Temper: Book One of the Taboo Series, page 8
“Are you sick?” Hugh asked as he closed the distance between us. I shook my head as the vicious energy in my body began to deflate. He kneeled in front of me. His fingertips brushed the hair from my face and traced my dark circles. His eyes narrowed as he waited for a reason for my sickly appearance. I didn’t want to admit my weakness and pride to him even though my silence fed his anxiety. “Mom said she hasn’t been allowed to see you, but she’s worried. Elizabeth told her you’re sick and contagious.”
“Elizabeth is the sick one,” I spat. Even I didn’t recognize the darkness in my own voice. He didn’t wince at my sharp tone but his eyes darkened at the implication. “Did the kitchen look different to you?” I asked.
I was afraid to tell him what was happening to me. I feared his likely outburst that would bring Elizabeth’s wrath down on him. I didn’t want more of his trust in Elizabeth to crumble. She didn’t deserve his affection but he deserved peace. Shame and humiliation flooded me. I was so powerless and weak.
“No. Why, what happened in the kitchen?” He would have noticed the lock with his obsessive maintenance. I stood on my weak knees. “Where are you going?” he asked as his hands came to my waist for support.
“Kitchen,” the excitement made it difficult to speak.
He held my hips and led me through the foyer and dining hall. He never asked why. His eyes filled with worry as I gasped in relief and stared at the refrigerator doors with no lock in sight.
“What’s going on?” There was no demand in his question, simply a need to comfort and understand.
I bit back the mist from relief before he could see it. “I’m so hungry.”
He laughed and sauntered to the fridge. He opened the doors and dug into the bottom drawer. When he returned to my side he offered a block of cheese the size of my fist. I stood tall, reaching to pull him down for a kiss on his cheek.
I pulled away as his muscles tightened. His fingers were wrapped around my ribs, and his brow dipped low. His eyes were impossibly dark. They flashed to mine and I shrank away
My stomach rumbled between us. His voice was too calm, “When’s the last time you ate?”’
I stared up at him. Crimson flushed in his jaw and cheekbones. His teeth raged against his lips as his eyes glinted with worry and rage. “I was able to find an edible grape at lunch,” I admitted without revealing I discovered it on the floor.
He lifted me by my hips and planted me on the edge of the counter. He leaned close, meeting my eyes. My fingers wrapped around the tube of chapstick in my breast pocket and began to twirl it.
His impatience climbed. “Why haven’t you been eating? I trained Hayden myself. He’s not perfect but he knows how to put cheese and carrots on a plate. Why did Elizabeth not make you eat?” The demand and frustration in his timbre crescendoed with his words.
I placed my hands on his chest, trying to calm him. “I’m sure Hayden is an excellent cook.” Resigned to tell the truth, I fought to find the most diplomatic words. “Every plate they serve me is filled with meat and everything on each plate is filled with the juice or blood of the animal.” My stomach twisted at the memory of so many rancid scents, sights, and small tastes.
Hugh huffed, “I told him you’re vegetarian. But it’s not like you to not say anything. Why didn’t you?”
My teeth tore into my lip and I understood his compulsive habit. “Elizabeth.” His face twisted in confusion for a moment before the realization dawned on him. His eyes widened and his knuckles turned white as he gripped the counter. “She demands I eat meat for no other reason than her need for control.”
“There’s food in the fridge. Why haven’t you eaten when she’s not around?” His loud curses and face darkened with rage when we stood outside of Elizabeth’s study filled my mind. Elizabeth didn’t deserve my protection but Hugh could be devastating to himself if I offered the truth.
“I didn’t think about it.”
“Please don’t lie to me.”
All power drained from me at his plea. “Don’t do anything, Hugh. Promise.”
He waited, weighing my needs against his own emotions. “I promise.”
I sighed and felt the heavy burden of his reaction fall away. “She locked it.” His eyes grew and his body released one hard shiver. His eyes darted to the door as though he wanted nothing more than to break his promise. Alarms climbed from my chest to my mind because of how still and unblinking he became. I had never seen eyes so full of malice. “You promised,” I reminded him.
His face pivoted towards me with an odd jerk. “How am I supposed to do nothing? I can’t accept that.”
Fear blurred my vision as I gripped his wrists. “I’m fine now,” I crooned. He glared down at me, unconvinced. “I have cheese.” I waved the block in the air.
He refused to smile. Though his eyes still dripped with hatred my hand rose to his chest again, and up his throat. The tilt of his head and question in his eyes made the tiniest flicker of nervousness twist in my gut and a smile tease my lips. He wrapped his arms around my shoulders and pulled me against himself. I closed my eyes at the protective kiss he pressed into my hair. I could almost hear his mind contemplating and plotting.
Reality shattered the moment as distant voices reached our ears. Hugh cursed as he plucked me from the counter. I smoothed my dress down as Hannah’s voice neared too quickly.
He grabbed for the precious cheese. “I’ll distract them, go.” I rushed from the room and brushed a quick kiss across his lips before the door swung closed between us.
Chapter 14- Blanch
I groaned at the thought of having to lower myself down the stairs to not eat breakfast again. I didn’t want to witness Hugh’s reaction to being to forced to serve me meat. I cringed at how much he would fight it and worried if he would even comply. I prayed for him to do as he was told for his own safety.
I hoped he would at least be kind and use the dryest meat possible as to not ruin the rest of the plate. Aromas made my stomach sob with need as I descended the stairs.
I froze as I entered the dining room. Grandfather sat in his usual chair across from my own. I glanced between Earnest and Elizabeth. Neither met my eyes.
Grandfather looked guilty as Elizabeth stared ahead as though resigned. I moved to my place and sat. My eyes narrowed at the evident plot forming somewhere deep in her mind. A malicious gleam shimmered in her cold eyes.
A startled gasp caught in my chest as I stared down at the plate set in front of me. I laughed and lifted my fork. I felt like Earnest greedily devouring his meat as I stared down at the omelet and fruit on my own plate.
Elizabeth watched me as I controlled myself and ate daintily. I didn’t try to repress my elation and grin of gratitude. I wanted to lick my plate clean. I wanted to kiss Elizabeth in appreciation. “Thank you, Grandmother. I knew if I gave you some time you’d understand-”
She lifted her hand to silence me. “I didn’t do this for you. You don’t deserve this kindness.”
I balked. “Excuse me?”
The small smirk teasing her lips should have fanned my rage. Instead, it made me feel small. “I welcomed you into this home, did I not?” I nodded dumbly. “I have asked for a modicum of obedience from you,” she continued, paling with the anger her own words seemed to sow. “You have left this home without permission and you dragged along Hugh with you.”
The blood rushed from my brain. My eyes ticked to Grandfather, hoping he would save me. In Elizabeth’s eyes, I already risked Hugh’s safety three times. “You weren’t here and I was lonely so I went home,” I tried to argue. Her voice raised over mine, sparking the rage in my body.
“I said leave Hugh alone.” Her voice deadly calm as she leaned toward me.
“He was kind enough to take me home. I did nothing wrong. You said this wasn’t about punishment before. Why are you doing this?” I reigned myself back in and bit my tongue in regret.
Her body rose from the chair as if possessed. “Your mother was the same as you. We gave her our trust and affection. You’re the spawn of that fiend. I will not have this family dragged through hell again. You’re right, it’s not about discipline. It’s about retribution and defensive action.”
I glanced across to see Earnest staring up at Elizabeth with understanding and sadness. “What did Ruth do?” I whispered.
Elizabeth glared down at me. The fierce calm in her eyes made her rage more terrifying. “She ruined our name, our family, and my brother. She even killed your father, in her own way. Even you realize it.” My mind spurred for a response.
The whisper slipped through my lips. “William?”
A deranged spirit rose in her chest. “Don’t ever speak his name,” she snarled.
I stood, shoving the chair back, furious and ready to match her fire. “I am not my mother. I have done nothing to warrant this cruelty. I demand to be treated with decency if I am going to be forced to live in this house.” I met her glare to prove I would not be dominated. “Your prejudice against me is unjustified.”
“You have no right to demand anything from us. You’re as ungrateful as she was.” Her finger jabbed the air between us and I fought the urge to flinch.
I turned to Grandfather as he sat, pale and staring at us. His silence incensed me. “Where have you been all week? Why are you letting her treat me this way?”
“Elizabeth has her reasons for being hard. It’s to help you, I’m sure.”
A cold, derisive laugh filled my chest. The frigid disrespect and malice didn’t belong to me. They had born it into me. “Are you not listening? She’s angry with Ruth, not me.” I spun at as she stood blanching. “You’re a liar. This is about Hugh.”
“That’s absurd,” she spat.
I remembered his worries of Elizabeth calling him by her brother’s name. My posture and voice softened towards her in pity. “Hugh isn’t William. And I’m not Ruth. You have to see reality.” Her eyes misted. She appeared to be calming. I hoped I struck the nerve of sanity she needed.
Grandfather stood quickly. I turned to him, optimistic he could help bring some sense to her. His face was purple with fury as he glared at me.
He pressed his lips into a long, mean line and shook his head as though I said the most insensitive, hurtful thing imaginable. My eyes narrowed in defense. He came around the table and brushed a hand down Elizabeth’s arm.
The subtle motion felt dangerous. It was as though he was permitting her to do as she would with me. He walked from the room with his head bent in resignation. He left me to the mercy of the demon trembling over me.
Her menacing whisper confused and frightened me, “I told you not to say his name.”
I jumped at a slam from the kitchen door. Hugh stared while feigning confusion. His fisted hands and darkened eyes revealed his true emotions. He tried to smile but instead produced an unconvincing snarl.
“Hugh,” Grandmother acknowledged him with a nod. Her hesitation was almost undetectable as she turned back towards me. That flash of a moment pulled at my curiosity.
I saw the intensity and severity of her darkness. The sadness of it overwhelmed me even as she glowered.
She turned from the room with a sweep of her skirt and her head high as though she held no shame. She seemed to exhale wicked intentions.
Hugh backed into the kitchen, seething and silent, his eyes trained on her back. I watched in shock as I was left alone with trepidation seeping into the room from every corner.
Chapter 15- Steam
I had infuriated my grandmother in my attempt to be understanding and show her a reflection of reality. I fueled her disdain and Grandfather’s disappointment. I felt doomed.
Her agony and rage seemed spiraled around Hugh and William. I needed to know what happened to the man, who he was, and what my mother did to him.
Elizabeth stayed locked in her study and Grandfather disappeared to snooze on the empty pond in a rowboat. It looked like any other day but the difference was almost tangible.
I heard his steps when he crept into the hall. The awe he set in my mind silenced the vile fear. He slipped into the room before moving towards me as though timid of my reaction. He set a large bag on the bed. His voice pulled at me, “Olivia?”
The worry in his features made me gulp. I didn’t know how to articulate the building terror. “You’re going to leave again.”
He nodded, eyes wide and confused. “Monday morning.”
I swallowed hard and looked around the room- always her room. The fear and anger were making my head swim. I was drowning.
He approached me as he would a feral being. “Olivia, come with me.” His thin arms folded around me. The pressure of the graspable future pinned me to the floor. I didn’t know how to survive that house or room. I needed home.
His eyes danced across my face, searching. I turned from the silent pleading to the bed. “What’s this?”
He shrugged, “You won’t be needing it for a while.”
His eyes shone with his emotions. I could taste his worry, understanding, and the excitement threatening to singe us both if I agreed. I lifted the drawstring bag and emptied it onto the bed. A mixture of nuts, dried fruits, fresh vegetables, and bread tumbled onto the duvet. A fresh tube of chapstick lying among the necessities made me laugh.
“Thank you.” He nodded and tucked his hands into his pockets. He still needed me to consent. “I can’t come with you. I want to,” I explained at the disappointment in his eyes. “I miss home. I miss you. I miss safety.” My own words clawed at my mind, my heart screaming at me to flee. “But it would sacrifice your safety and Stan’s.”
His hands cradled my face to guide my eyes to his. “I can stay somewhere else for now. I can find an apartment or we’ll hide you. Please.”
They blamed my mother for something terrible and dark that cast its shadow upon me. Every moment in Hugh’s presence led me toward the edge of a dangerous cliff because of Elizabeth’s insanity. There was no escaping it in that house but the uncertainty of what would happen if I ran stilled me.
“I’m not risking you or Stan. I’m not that selfish.”
Hugh huffed and spun away from me. “It’s not selfishness, it’s self-preservation.”
Anxiety built in him as it fanned his temper. “They let me eat today. I won.” I watched his eyes darken in disbelief. “There was a reason they gave in. They won’t return to the same behavior.” I was beginning to convince myself but knew I could never convince him.
“What if it does happen again? There’s no telling when it’ll stop. What’ll happen next.” Distress filled his voice. He wasn’t merely broken for me. His own perception and life were in question. He loved my grandparents and had never witnessed such cruelty from them. It must have been similar to watching a loved one die in a certain form.
“Then I will let you take me home.”
He glared but nodded and found comfort in my promise. His fingers wrapped in my hair as he pulled me to him. Desperation lingered against my lips from his kiss.
Hugh slipped from my bedroom as quietly as he came. I looked down at the bag on my bed while trying to make sense of my life. I was a rat hoarding food in fear. I pushed the contents back in and crouched to the floor. I dug the bag beneath the dresser. I winced at the scraping pain as my knuckles were pierced with splinters.
A hidden, dusty, wooden box was the culprit. I pulled it towards me and carried it to the bed. My heart tumbled as though the box might hold answers about what Ruth did to William.
When I lifted the lid I blinked in confusion. My fingers grazed over the browned stem of a brittle, grayish rose that once was white. I lifted it and stared at the glittering ruby tied with a black ribbon to the stem.
I imagined it was something Father gave her when they were dating and picked through the bed of folded pages. Every note I opened was sweet and loving. Some told of plans to meet on the grounds, small testimonies of affection, and yearning for Mother’s company.
The deeper I dug the darker the subject became. A shaking hand had written a question of mother’s safety and asking if she was ill. They were eerily similar to Hugh’s questions when he found me seething in the library.
Obviously all of the letters were from a lover, but none were signed. I stared at the handwriting, trying to connect it to my father’s but it was too different. I stared at the ruby for a long time. I searched within its facets for answers though I knew it wouldn’t respond.
✷✴✷
The weekend flew too fast. Hugh crept into the library at night to keep my company. I hid under the bright sun amongst the flowers to capture his presence. The following week was as Hugh predicted but I found relief from the gift of hidden snacks. Hunger irritated me as I rationed but starvation was defeated.
Elizabeth’s pursed lips and disappointment at my strength incensed her cruelty through the week until I eventually sat at the table with no food offered but meat. I realized there was a reason why she relented on the weekend. Hugh’s presence was the reason for my safety and her hesitation.
I was proven right when the weekend came with relief of heaping platters of steaming food fresh from the blessed hands of the affectionate. Hugh helped me refill the bag beneath my dresser with a grim face and irritated tongue.
Again he begged me to escape but I found balance and saw no reason to disturb it. Another week passed of the same, and then another. There seemed to be no end.
Every weekend Hugh sat in my company. His spirit began distancing from mine as he continued being my savior. The endless cycle of hunger through the week matched with gluttony on the weekends made me feel as though I was becoming insane.
Guilt began to consume me as I watched his tortured mouth tear into itself as his eyes spilled over books. His tongue became wordless as months passed and frost began to settle around us on the bench, driving our silent relationship into the house. Our sole form of communication came from his eyes when they flashed darkly. His seething silence became unbearable when his hair would tumble to cover them and his emotions- his partition of defense.
