Temper: Book One of the Taboo Series, page 24
I peeked through my fingers. A reddish pelt from the desecrated deer was draped over the porch rail. My stomach twisted as I read the writing burned into the skin, 'Return my William, or I’ll have your flesh.'
I glared at the destruction, recognizing the freckle on the dead being’s nose. Her threats didn't scare me as my logic knew they should. They incensed me.
“Can you bury him?” I asked.
“I’ll be discreet,” he promised as he turned to the tool shed.
I kept a closer watch and asked the police to scourge the area routinely. They never found traces of her and the tracks likely from Beau were circumstantial. They thought I was insane with paranoia but since I kept their wallets thick and never asked them to reject their morals the way Elizabeth did to her own men, they cooperated.
Stan and Hugh remained oblivious to the threat, and I intended it to stay that way. I found myself weighing Dimitri in my mind and contemplated how fast he could snap her neck or how many of her servants he would be able to fend off when she decided to attack. I didn't understand why she was waiting.
Spring wet the earth the day Anya found me hidden in the library. She heard the whimpers of pain from my chest and rushed forward, her maternal instincts already growing as she stroked my hair.
“What happened?” She crooned while trying to wedge herself beside me.
I smiled at the soft mound beginning to protrude from her abdomen as it pressed against me. I bit my fingers to hold in the new thoughts and realizations.
“I need to let Hugh leave,” I admitted. "You have to take him from here. Away from me."
Anya scoffed at me, “You know he doesn’t want that.”
“But, it’s not right. I can’t let go and it’s not fair to him. He can’t thrive and heal with me around. He has no chance at happiness, not here, where every touch hurts.”
Anya lifted my face to meet her troubled eyes. “I don’t have the answers. I don’t know if there is a right or wrong in your situation. But I know love and both of you deserve it.”
I nodded vigorously, “Exactly. He deserves love. He deserves that,” I exclaimed, gesturing to the little girl growing in her body.
“That’s not what I meant.” Her voice was thick with frustration and sympathy. I looked away from the pain in her expression. “Hugh doesn’t need you to tell him what he should have or what he deserves. You’re both understandably scared. But you’re going to remain in this cycle of fear until you reach out and accept your relationship is different but worthy.”
I shook my head. I couldn’t accept it. I propelled away from her. “Not everyone gets their happy ending. If we did, it wouldn't be so special.” I turned my back to her so she wouldn't see the jealousy.
“Olivia, wait-” I cut her off with a sharp wave of my hand as my head filled with irrational anger. I charged from the room, unable to listen to her validating his sacrifice. She didn’t deserve the snap of my tongue but I couldn’t risk him.
When I left Hugh in the darkened den alone that night, I slipped into my bedroom, closed the door, and locked it against my heart.
Chapter 49- Vent
He still wouldn’t speak, but the dark shadows beneath his eyes mimicked my own. I felt the gazes of everyone in the house as they watched us with worry. Our bodies grew weary from restless, guilt-ridden nights. I knew it must be excruciating on his scarred soul.
My emotions ravaged my exhausted body, but I refused to admit defeat. I stayed hidden away, prone to fits of crying and screaming into my pillow.
I wanted to claw my heart from my chest. I wanted to destroy every inch of my being to rip his love from me. I released him from one prison to simply lock him in another.
I tried to feign normalcy by setting the table for meals and pulling smiles across my face. He began to do the same yet I couldn’t pretend my plan was working or that he was pulling away. He was as desperate for a respite from our separation as I was but I clung to my fierce need to free him.
✷✴✷
The fire spread as a warning over the forest, blowing coal-black smoke towards the house. I opened the gate and watched in desolation as creatures escaped their homes and the destruction.
I couldn’t separate the rage from the agony as I witnessed more lives become lost because of me. I couldn’t hide the attack from Stan or Hugh.
We all stood back as the deer charged. A fox shot between my legs to hide in the garden. Birds shrieked as their nests were lost to Elizabeth’s fury.
I turned to see Anya with tears of disbelief in her eyes, Stan shaking his head, and Dimitri holding his love in comfort.
Hugh lit a cigarette as he stared at me. The malice in his features shot fear through me. I glared in answer to his thoughts. You won’t return to her.
He turned away, shaking his head as though he heard me argue.
I wavered, my heart pounding. My chest struggled not to release the sobs as every part of my being begged me to allow him to hold me.
It took days of Dimitri following Hugh throughout the house before he finally gave up on trying to escape to her. I sat Hugh down in the study privately.
It was agony to say the words, “If you want to leave I will let you. But never to her.”
I wanted to die as pain filled him. He understood my meaning. I would release him to a life without me. Regardless of my intentions, I was incapable of forcing him from my home. It was his decision.
He sat on the sofa for two straight days, staring at his hands without moving. It took every ounce of my power to not fall at his feet. When he stood it was as though I never uttered the words. Shame consumed me from my relief of his continued presence.
My birthday came hushed with a gift from Stan as I attempted to cook breakfast. He took the pan of charred eggs before handing me a small package. It was a simple picture in a silver frame of me and Hugh as children.
I couldn’t hide the small smile pressing against my lips. I stared at us and grinned at Hugh’s missing front tooth, the one that grew back charmingly crooked. His lanky arm draped around my shoulders in a hug meant solely for a best friend.
I felt the meaning in Stan’s eyes and the demand for reconciliation between the two of us. I was too ashamed to admit to him the reason for our distance.
He pulled me in for a hug but remained silent. His lectures of acceptance and love had been ignored for so long. He hurt for me. He hurt for Hugh.
I stared at the picture as Stan carried the platters of barely edible food to the table. Anya and Dimitri stumbled into the room with sleepy smiles. She said nothing as she sat. Our relationship remained strained since our spat, but she was never cold.
I tried not to glance at her belly, beautiful and full of hope. It hurt me even though I already loved the child. I sighed heavily and tried not to look at the picture as Hugh’s presence neared.
I sat at the end of the table, next Anya, and slipped the picture into my lap. I avoided eyes, smiles, and conversation. My daily struggle for survival began to feel eerily familiar.
Anya’s gaze dropped to my lap and her expression caught my attention. Something brittle flashed in her eyes as she gritted her teeth.
“Can I see?” Silence fell over the group and hummed in my ears. All eyes were glued on us.
I nodded, embarrassed for unknown reasons. I glanced at Stan in question and passed the picture. Hugh's eyes fell on the image.
He remembered the day the same as I did. We threw the raining orchid petals the camera captured, still vibrant in our hair. He remembered the laughter, joy, and innocence.
His eyes flashed to mine and I couldn’t look away. Everything he fought against, silently and brutally, screamed in him. I could hear it. I could feel his distress.
My lips trembled, battling against my suppression of words.
Warmth hit my face. Something soft tumbled into my hair as the table gasped.
Dark yellow scrambled eggs splattered against my blouse. I stared up at Anya. She smirked over her spoon with a mischievous gleam in her eyes.
Before I could respond a pancake frisbeed from the other end and landed, syrup down, on her shoulder.
Colors began to whiz past. Squeals, laughter, and war cries filled my ears before I could fully comprehend what was happening.
Stan cried for order before giving into the urge, hefting his entire plate above his head and dumping the contents onto Dimitri. Bedlam hit my dining room.
Syrup, berries, eggs, and bacon flew across the air. Shrieks and curses rang out as I stared around. Laughter burst from my chest, painful and crazed.
Though food flew and peals of laughter grew deafening, Hugh seemed disconnected from the moment. His thoughts were secured in another world.
He lifted the picture. His eyes brightened as they absorbed every detail and filled with wistful longing at his memory. It was overwhelming, the depth of which his emotions matched my own.
He slipped from the room, unseen to the rest of the wild party. My knees quaked as I stood to follow.
I rushed through the house, trying to find where he hid. There was no fear, simply need.
I knew I should calm and oppress the emotions but needed more to see the blue eyes light again as they did at the table. I needed to hear his small chuckles in simple moments again. I needed to see his smile flash. I needed the happiness I knew I didn’t deserve.
I halted at the door to my room with shaking knees. Hugh sat on the edge of my bed, staring at his folded hands and waiting.
When his face lifted I winced at the suffering, too clear. He tried to force a smile but faltered and gave up.
I stepped closer, staring down at him, too afraid to speak. I knew I should run before I crashed, but I moved closer.
His hands lifted to cradle the back of my thighs. He bowed before me to lean against my hip. My heart leaped and thundered in its familiar tune of hope even as my mind reminded me menacingly of how wrong my feelings were.
My body didn’t stiffen at his touch the way I hoped it would. My hands couldn’t push him away. My lips trembled as I held back tears. My fingers lifted and ran through the forms of curls climbing again, perseverant. I sighed as glee shivered down my spine.
“I love you,” I whispered, biting my tongue and regretting the honesty- my failure.
His face lifted. Understanding glinted in his eyes. He had always known.
He rose, his body swaying against mine as he balanced. His long, coarse fingers encased my face. His eyes annihilated my walls when they smiled as though my words were his reason for living. His soft sigh whispered across my cheek with life, as though he had waited for longer than time could be measured for me to admit it.
I could see how thin his patience strained and yet he contained it all- his madness and temper- for me.
“I’m sorry. I love you,” I said again, feeling the weight crumble from my shoulders.
His lips lowered to mine, tender and insecure. I breathed him in again. I filled with life at his touch. I was never meant to save him but with the release, I had finally saved myself. I feared I was damned for such devotion, but he was worth any risk.
In the evening the family surprised me with a small cake. Everyone relaxed as the heaviness lifted from myself and Hugh.
Immediately plans changed. I thought to the suitcase hidden beneath my bed, and how instead of fleeing that night as planned, I would unpack it.
Everyone laughed as Anya handed me a large box filled with my favorite chapstick. Hugh grinned as a small, fluffy dog pranced from the library where she slept. Her pink collar held a shining tag with her name, Cookie.
I readied for bed with the door wide open and Cookie curled into a fluffy mound on the foot of my bed. When I heard his footsteps hesitate in the doorway I looked up. I took his hand in mine and lead him to the bed, my touch careful, genuine, and respectful.
He laid back as his eyes turned cold and tragic. He struggled to trust the gentleness. I smiled, curled into his arms, and told him with a solemn kiss that he was safe.
Chapter 50- Frost
It felt right to fall into dreams with the rhythm of his heartbeat and wake to his glowing, scarred face. I relished in his soft touch and kisses.
There was so much more peace and easiness with him than when I fought against him. The tragedy of my life morphed and remained steadily blissful.
I still missed his voice. I still missed being wanted in a different form of intimacy but never pushed. The slightest touch at the wrong time or in the wrong area made his body turn rigid. He would pull away and his mind closed off for days at a time.
I despised Elizabeth for bruising him. I wanted to break her for breaking him but kept my fury beneath a thick blanket of patience.
The grass and trees of the forest began to turn green. I watched from the stoop when he disappeared into the budding growth. He often ventured into my world alone, but I could never bring myself to face it.
As Anya’s abdomen began to grow and she saw the family Hugh and I could be, she and Dimitri decided it was time to leave. They didn’t return to Maine as expected but instead bought a home much closer. If I stood in Ruth’s room and stared across the trees I could see their roof. Though they no longer lived with us, they were over often enough for us to never need to miss them.
Summer warmed our bones and Hugh finally started venturing into the kitchen. Small creations began appearing at the table. I filled with elation to see him dancing again. It was his way of processing and communicating his contentment. Stan’s smile never seemed to slip, though mine did once.
Stan asked me privately about my future pertaining to marriage and giving him what he felt would be grandchildren.
I was as vague as possible and claimed I wasn’t sure I ever wanted children, or if I changed my mind I preferred the idea of adoption. Cookie pranced from the room, content with being a single child.
She never made a sound but for her small mumbles of argument. She took after Hugh, never barking. It was interesting how comfortable I became with silence.
✷✴✷
I stood trembling as Stan and Hugh slept. I couldn’t look away from the bloody badge from the department I relied on.
Within minutes the house was swarming with patrol cars and German shepherds trying to find the scent of the missing officer. I explained to the sheriff how the badge was waiting for me on the desk in the study.
They couldn’t find the body but no longer thought me insane.
✷✴✷
I began classes at college again with the intention of becoming a veterinarian. We truly were a family- Hugh, Stan, Cookie, and I.
Hugh’s eyes communicated his frustration when he thought he’d never be capable of contributing. I consoled him, telling him how much he fulfilled my life and my home and regardless of how hard he would struggle, I supported any decision he made. I would do anything to fulfill him.
I didn’t understand when Hugh sat me down with his birth certificate in hand. The place where William should have been named as his father was instead signed as ‘unknown.’ He pointed to it avidly while his eyes glowed with triumph. I could feel it was important to him and he could see I wasn’t comprehending.
He stood, took my hand, and guided me from the house through the back door. I tried to protest as he led me through the gate and into the woods, but he calmed me with a kiss. He helped me over the fresh growth and debris.
The deeper we climbed the more I suffered pangs of nostalgia for the creatures I cared for when I first let him into my home.
He led me past the tree where we watched the fawns. The trunk that once propped against it was a bed of dirt, disintegrated by Elizabeth’s flames. He lifted me over the still-crumbling hunks with bright eyes as his crooked grin pulled at my heart.
I smelled the roses before they came into view. I looked around at the dancing white blossoms encircling us, carefully tended and majestic. They lined the small field where my doe was born and later nursed her younglings. I blinked in confusion as Hugh lowered himself to one knee with a ring in his hand.
I understood then. There was no law between us committing to each other through a traditional marriage- our one sliver of normalcy.
I accepted him gladly. One year before, I’d have never thought it a possibility, not even a dream.
✷✴✷
Autumn reigned and the scent of turning leaves filled the air. Hugh and I held a small ceremony on the property. Dimitri became certified to ordain for us. Anya stood as my witness and Stan as Hugh’s.
We held hands beneath the cooling sun as colorful leaves fell around us, whispering about our possibilities. Anya grinned as she held a small arrangement of roses resting on her huge stomach. She glowed as she suppressed tears of happiness for us, eyeing Dimitri with hope for their own future with a diamond of promise glinting on her swollen finger. Even Demi’s erratic movement in Anya’s womb seemed to be in celebration.
Nothing of that day could compare to the perfection of Hugh's eyes as he nodded sincerely in agreement, his version of ‘I do.’ They were the color of violets. As his smiling lips pressed to mine with the promise of forever, my heart ruptured with joy.
When I pulled back from the kiss a movement at the edge of the forest caught my eye. Beau leaned against a tree as he glared into our cage.
My heart stammered and stilled at the threat of his presence. I refused to show him my fear. I simply glared before turning my back to him. I refused to announce him and startle everyone. He wasn't important enough to distract from the love Hugh and I had fought such a long, bloody battle for.
We all stilled at the tiny chirps from the garden and the predator became forgotten. We listened for the sound, watching as a cinnamon winged bird flew between the pumpkins. Hugh waited for her to fly away before searching. He returned with two baby birds, still pink and barely tufted, shivering in his hands.
Dimitri and Stan set a ring of pumpkins in the grass. Hugh placed the baby birds in the middle to keep them safe from snakes. We all watched from the distance as both parents came to check on them and fed them at intervals.
