The Falling, page 32
“What feeling?”
His hand was warm when he lifted it to gently grab mine. He pressed them both to his chest and I felt his heart pounding.
“I’m not even sure what it is, it just feels so good. And I’m a selfish fuck who wanted to keep getting this feeling from you before I left. I didn’t mean to hurt you, I really, really didn’t. I waited each day like a madman for the other shoe to drop, for you to find out that I lied about knowing your dad, but each time I saw you, everything disappeared except you and me. I know this isn’t enough and I won’t ever be enough for you, but I just wanted to explain myself and apologize for not doing it earlier.”
He dropped our hands but I grabbed his again. My eyes were stinging, and my head was foggy and I didn’t know up from down, but I knew I wanted to hold his hand.
I moved toward him, closing the space between us. A pile of papers and a bookbag were in the way, but I pushed them toward the door as Kael held my hand, firmly.
“I’m really sorry, honestly. And I get it if you just want me to go away.” He rounded his shoulders, deflated, and I had the strongest urge to comfort him.
He was so close now that I could smell the faint earthy cologne he used and I could feel the warmth radiating from him. I ignored the storm of doubts left in my head, stepped over any remnants of red flags, and pulled my hand from his to bring it to his cheek.
His skin was so soft, so beautiful and familiar. I felt warm and glowing from the inside out and couldn’t think of how to say that to him. I used my body instead of words to show him we would be okay. I climbed onto Kael’s lap and he groaned as I wrapped my arms around his back. The sharp fear of rejection disappeared as he dug his hands into my hair. I could feel the relief flowing from both of us so intensely that I thought we would shake the truck.
His hands held on to my hips, roaming around the tops of my thighs without a word between us. Somehow this would work out, we were supposed to be together. If we weren’t, it wouldn’t feel this good, we wouldn’t be able to communicate like this, without saying a word. The connection wouldn’t feel this intense and electrifying if we couldn’t figure it all out. I refused to believe the universe was that cruel. I brushed my thumb across his cheek just below his eye.
“I don’t. I don’t want you to go away ever again,” I whispered, as his eyes fluttered open to look into mine.
“Are you sure? I’m trying to warn you,” he said. He brushed a piece of my hair out of my face and tucked it behind my ear. “I like your hair, by the way.” His voice was a whisper by the end of the sentence, and my hands were shaking as they trailed over his bottom lip and he made a noise again, encouraging me. I pressed my lips to his, letting all my guard down now, letting all the pain rush out of me, all the anxiety, the loneliness; it all melted out of me as he kissed me. His hand went around the back of my neck and his lips opened mine wider to taste more of me. I never, ever wanted to be away from this man again, no matter how many coincidences and unanswered questions surrounded him. No matter what demons he was running from or chasing. I couldn’t lose this, not again. I hugged him tighter and he said sorry between kissing me and pressing his hands to my cheeks, and I shushed him, begging him to take me home.
He didn’t stop kissing me, exploring me. I was completely melted by his warm hands and mouth.
“Okay, okay,” he eventually said, kissing my forehead. “Let’s go home.”
The way he said “home” made me feel so comforted. I had always thought of home as a place, but it’s a feeling, I decided in that moment.
I stayed as close to Kael as I could during the short drive to my house. We turned onto my street, and he drove more slowly before pulling up to his usual spot. I felt a mix of nerves and elation, and a rush to get inside with him. I missed having him in my house, and I think he knew that. He gave me a shy smile and courteously picked up my handbag, to move it out of my way. In my rush to climb out of the passenger door, I knocked the thick packet of papers to the floorboard.
“Sorry, I dropped these. I hope I didn’t mess them up,” I said, as I stacked them neatly. “Is this for your discharge?” There was an Army folder on top with the typical Army star. Kael stilled next to me. I felt the shift in the air around us as I realized what the packet said.
“Who’s enlistment packet is this?”
Being nosy and not thinking anything of it, I started to open the folder. That’s when Kael reached over, trying to grab it from me. “Who’s signing their life away?” I teased, as his eyes fell to the paperwork in my hands.
And then I read the name on the first page.
AUSTIN TYLER FISCHER
CHAPTER SIXTY-FOUR
Now it was Kael’s turn to call my name. Kael’s turn to bring me back to earth.
“Karina. Karina,” he said. “Listen to me, Karina. There’s an explanation—”
His words were gibberish. I could make out my name, but that was it. I could barely feel my body. The truck was parked on solid ground but felt like it was dangling over the edge of a cliff. “What is this, Kael?” I managed at last.
When he didn’t answer me, I screamed.
“What is this! What the hell is this?” I slammed the folder down onto the seat’s empty space between us. “Do not move any closer to me until you tell me what this is and why it has my brother’s name on it!” I was every emotion: fear, anger, disgust, contempt.
Had Austin really joined the Army? No fucking way that was what this was. I must be missing something. Kael stared at me blankly, I could see him doing it again, closing himself off like he did during the fight with my dad.
“Don’t you dare shut down! I want answers,” I insisted. Austin! I dug in my purse for my phone and, finding it, searched the screen to pull up his name. My head was spinning so fast that everything was blurry when I tried to call him. Of course he didn’t pick up.
“This can’t be true, Kael, didn’t you just give him a job? You . . .” I could barely get the words out. “You convinced him to enlist, didn’t you?” I spat at Kael as I yanked and pushed the door of the truck open and stepped outside.
I coughed, my lungs failing me as the world around us spun. “Oh my god.” It sank in. “You did this because of my dad . . . oh my god.” I held on to the door of the truck and Kael ran around to my side but kept himself at a safe distance.
“This doesn’t have anything to do with your dad. This was me helping your brother with his future! I did this because he needs to stop fucking up his life. His words, not mine.”
I wanted to scream at Kael. He was a marble statue—beautiful, but cold.
“You knew how I felt about Austin, and the Army, and the agreement we had that he would never enlist. You knew how much it would hurt me and you still did it. Oh my god, I’m such a fucking idiot.” I glared at him. “You’re so fucked up.” I put my head in my hands to not have to look him in the face.
It wasn’t worth trying to rationalize. People, some of them, hurt others as a way of masking their own pain, but some people just hurt other people simply to do it. I didn’t need to know anything else about Kael to know that he must be one of these people. All of the helping-Austin bullshit, all of the hours we spent and secrets we shared, it was all fake. I wrapped my arms around myself. I was going to be sick. Kael had the nerve to reach for me and I jerked away, moving from the street to the patch of grass next to the sidewalk in front of my house. I felt unstable in all forms of the word. My body and mind were no longer connecting.
Even though I couldn’t speak, I kept backing away, nearly tripping on the edge of the sidewalk.
“Karina! Please—” Kael pleaded. I held my hand up, silently begging him to stop.
“Get away from me!” Tears soaked my face and I brushed aside strands of hair stuck to my wet cheeks.
“Go!” I screamed, not caring that it was dark out or that I would be alone on the side of the road. I just wanted to be as far away from him as humanly possible.
And of course, because the universe hated me, the moment my shoes touched the ground and I yelled at him again to drive away, the sky started to cry with me, covering me with thick tears of rain from head to toe.
I collapsed in the grass after he pulled away and stayed there until the moon glared at me to go to my own bed and leave hers. There were no stars to dry my tears.
A NOTE FROM THE AUTHOR
An early version of this story was originally self-published as the novel The Brightest Stars (2018). Now, several years later, and after many months of writing and rewriting (more than thirty thousand words are new!) and a deeper exploration of character and story, I have reconceived a book that I am proud to relaunch. There was so much more that I wanted to share with readers.
During the pandemic, I had a lot of time for inward reflection and thinking about the issues that are most important to me. I know we all have gone through our own version of this in some way, and for me, it became really clear that a part of my voice, a part of myself, wasn’t fully expressed in my earlier drafting of this novel. I didn’t know where that piece of me had gone, but I couldn’t find it inside the pages as I turned and turned, and the novel ended. So I decided to revisit this story and these characters thoughtfully, and with great energy and affection. I truly believe you will find more of me, Anna, inside this “revisited” story. I’ve titled the new novel The Falling—and the books to follow in the Brightest Stars Trilogy will be The Burning and The Infinite Light of Dust.
I can’t wait to continue with you on Karina and Kael’s journey to discover themselves as they discover one another. Thank you for continuing to believe in me and coming on this journey as we learn together.
<3 Anna
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
This is that awkward part of a book where I pretend I just won an Oscar and name the first people who come to mind, so bear with me as I try to give these wonderful people in my life a tiny bit of the recognition they deserve.
Anne Messitte: It was more than fate when our paths crossed but didn’t connect in the early days of my publishing, because now they have at the perfect time. I’ll never forget the day I met you at a Greek restaurant in NYC and was just absolutely blown away by your deep understanding of romance and the audience of readers who embrace these books. I felt an immediate connection with you. I not only wanted to work with you on my stories, I wanted to listen to you talk for hours about the community of readers and how to serve them best. It was refreshing and has been the best ride starting this big dream with you! Thank you for your endless hours and unlimited capacity to help me run my first company. I can’t thank you enough for making me dream even bigger and become a better writer with each book we do together. You understand me, and that’s priceless.
Flavia Viotti, agent/manager/business partner extraordinaire: You are such a badass and one of the hardest-working people I know. I’m so honored to be working with you and can’t wait until our dreams come true. You’re a force and I’m sooo here for it. I can’t imagine my life or career without you. Since the day we met, I knew I wanted you in my corner and have never looked back. I hope I can one day live up to the way you see my potential, even if it takes one hundred years.
Erin Gross: You complete me. Literally. Thank you for being my right and left hands, brain, arms, etc., etc. You’re the best and we are taking over the world together. You’re so innovative and literally work through your sleep. I heart you so hard. I’ve known you since the very beginning of my career and you’ve always rooted for me and seen what even I couldn’t see. Here’s to the next decade.
Kristin Dwyer: This is our tenth book together! Whattttt. You’re the bomb and I can’t wait for eleven, twelve, ninety-nine. You’ve helped guide me as an author and held my hand as I have navigated my career since day one (literally). You’re the OG and I heart you so much.
Douglas Vasquez: It’s so hard to believe that we met at a signing in Brazil all those years ago. You started as a fan and now are one of the closest people in my life. You understand me and root for me and it means the world to me. Here’s to taking over the world in a fresh, exciting way. I couldn’t do this without you.
S.M.: I didn’t get enough time with you and some days I hate you for that. Others, I remember the way you taught me about myself, and that you were the first person who ever told me to write my thoughts down. You told me I should be a writer long, long before I ever could have dreamed of it. You taught me so much about myself in such a short time and I wish I would have had more time with you, or would have known just how deeply you were hurting. Until I see you again, I will write you into my novels and dream about what your life could have and should have been like.
Vilma Gonzalez: We will be the Tae to each other’s Yoongi and carry each other around to beautiful places in our next lives.
Eric Brown: Your wise counsel and the many hours spent to ensure the solid foundation of my company are truly appreciated.
To the dedicated team at Wattpad who have helped me produce and present Frayed Pages x Wattpad Books, especially Tina McIntyre, Deanna McFadden, Patrick McCormick, Delaney Anderson, Lesley Worrell, Amy Brosey, Rebecca Mills, and Neil Erickson. And to Aron Levitz and Ashleigh Gardner for all the years of collaboration and for supporting the partnership that’s created this unique co-publishing imprint.
To all my publishers around the world, the editors, the sales teams, the cover designers, everyone who spends any of their precious time trying to help my dreams come true, thank you!! Your time and dedication doesn’t go unnoticed.
And to my small circle of friends who have been here for me through the world changing, you are the glue of my life.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Anna Todd (writer/producer/influencer) is the New York Times best-selling author of the After series, which has been released in thirty-five languages and has sold more than twelve million copies worldwide—becoming a #1 best seller in several countries. Always an avid reader, Todd began writing stories on her phone through Wattpad, with After becoming the platform’s most-read series with over two billion reads. She has served as a producer and screenwriter on the film adaptations of After and After We Collided, and in 2017, she founded the entertainment company Frayed Pages Media to produce innovative and creative work across film, television, and publishing. A native of Ohio, she lives with her family in Los Angeles.
COPYRIGHT
Copyright © 2022 Frayed Pages, Inc. All rights reserved.
www.frayedpagesmedia.com
Published in Canada by Wattpad WEBTOON Book Group,
a division of Wattpad Corp.
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No portion of this publication may be reproduced or transmitted, in any form or by any means, without the express written permission of the copyright holders.
First Frayed Pages x Wattpad Books edition: July 2022
ISBN 978-1-99025-980-7 (Hardcover)
ISBN 978-1-99025-998-2 (Paperback)
ISBN 978-1-99025-981-4 (eBook)
Names, characters, places, and incidents featured in this publication are either the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons (living or dead), events, institutions, or locales, without satiric intent, is coincidental.
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Cover design by Lesley Worrell
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ABOUT THE PUBLISHER
About Wattpad Books
Wattpad Books, a division of Wattpad, is the leader in data-backed publishing. Leveraging billions of daily insights from Wattpad’s global community of 80 million book lovers, Wattpad Books combines the best of art and science, using human expertise and story DNA machine learning technology to identify the trends, voices, and stories that are the future of publishing. By elevating the stories of diverse communities around the world, Wattpad Books is creating new space for writers and fans of every genre.
Wattpad Books
A division of Wattpad Corp.
36 Wellington St. E.
Toronto, ON M5E1C7
www.wattpad.com
Anna Todd, The Falling
