The Falling, page 22
He shifted his body closer to me as we sat together on the floor. I could tell his eyes were reading mine to see if he could trust me. Please trust me, I wanted to beg him.
“She’s . . . she’s all the things I’m not.”
I felt like he let me in, even if the door was barely cracked. I kept my focus on his face. In the tiny twitch in his jaw, I could sense his protectiveness of her, and in his eyes, the adoration for her. I was ashamed that it made me a little jealous. Not in a romantic way, not even close, but in a way that I really, really, really wished I had someone who loved me that much.
“When did you see her last?” I wanted to ask more before he closed the door on me.
“Before I deployed.”
“Wow. It’s been nearly a year?”
His face fell. When Kael’s guard was down, he showed emotion so clearly.
“So, Jasper. That whole emotion-control thing,” he said, setting a boundary. A firm one. He was changing the subject to keep me out of his personal business. My stomach twisted, but only I knew it. I was playing the part of a chill girl who you can hang out with . . . order takeout and talk about Twilight. Kael’s line in the sand was drawn, so I followed him through my pretend Door B and moved the topic back to vampires.
“He was also a soldier,” I added, trying not to show much emotion. I was happy that he let me in, even for the few seconds it lasted. I waved my nails in the air to try to make them dry faster.
Kael’s hands touched the tiny stubble on his chin. I knew it would be gone soon, due to regulations and all.
“He was,” he said and nodded. “Wait, wasn’t he a Confederate soldier?”
My hand covered my mouth. “I’ve never thought about it like that,” I admitted. Yikes.
Kael rubbed his hands together inches from my face.
“Well that changes things,” I instantly decided.
“People can do things that you don’t like, and you can still like them.” He paused a for a moment. “Especially fictional characters. They’re meant to make us question ourselves, aren’t they? Sometimes the shittiest ones can teach us the most. That’s the point, the balance between good and evil and all that.”
“But a Confederate soldier is . . .”
“Bad. Pretty fucking bad,” he affirmed. “But you didn’t write the thing. And you don’t like that part of the character. Just as I don’t love that main guy, Derek, from American History X. He’s an ex-Nazi and a total piece of shit, but it’s one of my favorite films and he does the right thing in the end. Sometimes we find comfort in stories that aren’t perfect. People are complicated, you know?”
“Everyone has a backstory,” I said, my voice less confident than his, but he made me feel like he wanted to hear me. “When I was younger, I would always make excuses for everyone’s behavior. My dad said it’s the thing that made me weak.”
Kael’s voice was soft but quick to come. “You mean empathy?”
I looked away from his eyes and up at the ceiling.
“I guess so,” I said, fragments of traumatic experiences flipping through my mind. Every time I gave someone a pass I was trying to do the right thing. But in the end my dad’s harsh judgment became the only lens that mattered.
“Making excuses for someone’s bad behavior isn’t always the same thing as finding the reason why they are that way.” Kael looked at me patiently.
I nodded. He was so intelligent when he spoke that he could take something like a vampire film and turn it into a meaningful discussion without sounding like a pretentious douche. Kael made my multitude of thoughts make sense in a way most guys his age never had.
“Yeah. I’ve found my peace with Jasper, flaws and all—and I guess I’m realizing that most of my comfort things are bad examples,” I admitted, listing them off in my head. Gossip Girl, The Vampire Diaries, One Tree Hill.
He agreed. “Mine, too.”
“Alice deserved better,” I said, wondering where the line between writing and opinions lay.
“Yeah, she did.”
“What else comforts you?” I dared to ask. I don’t know what I was expecting as his response, but the question was out before I could process it.
I kept my focus on his face as he seemed to be thoroughly considering my ask, and was quiet for the longest ten seconds of my life. Kael looked straight ahead, staring at the brown tapestry hung on my wall. My mom got it from some flea market, I didn’t remember in which state.
“Being around you.”
The boldness of his confession sucked the air from my lungs.
His bright eyes turned to me. I was speechless and very caught off guard, to say the least.
“And you? What brings you comfort?” he asked.
I could feel my mind going into its own version of fight-or-flight and I was a little surprised by the way I felt. I was afraid to say that I loved being around him, too, that it brought me comfort to connect with him and that I was growing more and more attached each time I saw him. But what did this mean? He finds being around me comforting? I didn’t know what to make of that.
“I . . . um.” I hesitated, realizing that I had somehow moved closer to him.
Kael’s finger was warm when it touched my lips. I both froze and caught on fire. I felt dizzy. He pressed the pad of his index finger into my wet lips and kept it there for no longer than a second. I could barely breathe and was trying with everything in me to remain calm and think before I reacted. For once.
Studying Kael’s face, I sprinted through the possibilities of what this moment could turn into. I hated that the hourglass in my mind was moving faster, the sand pouring through the gap mercilessly reminding me of our limited time together. Our eye contact made me nervous; he was looking at me so intensely that my cheeks warmed. I wanted to tell him that I had never felt as much comfort from a person as I did from him, at least not in real life. I wanted to tell him that I would miss him terribly when he left. I wanted to admit that I liked him—more than just being grocery-shopping, stargazing buddies. I couldn’t and wouldn’t, but fuck, did I wish I could.
Kael’s eyes were on my mouth. I was very aware that my chest was likely beet red, the revealing pajamas not doing me any favors. I closed my eyes, thinking maybe he would kiss me again, and if he didn’t, I couldn’t bear to look at him much longer. I felt so much and couldn’t find a single word to say. When my lids shut, there was a sense of relief from his flame. My heart pounded.
His phone vibrated on the floor between us and I tried to read the name on the screen when my eyes snapped open. He scooped it up too quickly and I felt embarrassed that I was violating his privacy. He ignored the call, but his energy shifted instantly. I must have looked like such a freaking idiot with my eyes shut, like I was waiting for him to kiss me. Who said that’s even what I wanted? Not me.
Suddenly, it was like our little bubble popped and reality swallowed him up. His features felt harsh, his warm eyes became cold as they turned away from me and stared at the wall. I sank. I was pulled back into my thoughts on overdrive, wondering what I said or did wrong this time. Who kept calling him? Maybe he was secretly married? I couldn’t think of another explanation for his odd behavior.
I thought about Brien and how often he would “shush” me. How many times he would gently tap my leg under the table if I was talking too much in front of his friends. If I was embarrassing him. Kael isn’t like him, I reminded myself. He’s just making sure neither of us cross a line that we can’t reverse. I had a lapse of judgment. No big deal.
I paused, fidgeting and lightly pushing at my cuticles.
“Important call?” I asked him, hoping I didn’t sound as immature as I felt.
He shook his head. “Obviously not, since I ignored it.”
His tone wasn’t rude, but his words had a bit of defensiveness that rubbed me the wrong way.
“Dinner will be here in five minutes, if you want to wash up,” he mumbled.
“You don’t have to talk to me like I’m twelve,” I said and rolled my eyes. I wasn’t completely sure why, but I felt slighted and moody.
“Madam, your dinner will be delivered in precisely three hundred seconds.”
I cackled, a real laugh, suddenly back to being amused. This thing with him was exhausting but exhilarating.
He grabbed the pillow from my lap and I kicked my leg out at him. He suddenly tossed the pillow back at me and used his hand to push it down a little across my crotch area. Oh my god! His eyes were on mine and I squeezed the pillow, shoving it tightly between my legs, now remembering why I had it in the first place. Kael’s cheeks were a bit more red than usual. Or was I imagining that his embarrassment matched my own?
Both of our backs were against the couch and we sat facing forward with our legs in front of us. Mine were crossed at the ankles and I still had the pillow on my lap. I couldn’t catch up with my breath, even though we had barely moved. I turned my head. I just had to look at him, to try to make some sense of what we were doing.
His chest was rising and falling the way mine was. This wasn’t exactly what friends did. We were crossing the line like we did last night when he kissed me. Why stop now?
“What?” I looked into his eyes, not sure what I was asking.
“What?” he repeated, shifting again, so his face was inches from mine.
Him kissing me or not was no longer the thing I feared, it was this different type of intimacy, this comfort. I tried to calm my heart and my head. No matter how good it felt to be with Kael—how much I wanted this right now—I knew it was never, ever going to work. He was leaving and I wasn’t ready to date anyone, especially a long-distance soldier who I barely knew. We had an arrangement. An agreement.
“I . . .” We both spoke the same exact word at the same exact time.
Kael’s expression looked like he was sizing me up, deciding what he was going to do based on what he thought I was going to do. All logic was gone as his tongue grazed over his bottom lip, making it shine under the light. I wanted to taste him again; it was all my mind was full of.
I tried to be logical even though it felt impossible.
“Do you think this is a good idea? What we’re doing right now?” I could barely get the words out through my deep breaths.
“It feels like it is.”
“But do you think it is? What will happen if we kiss again?”
“Karina.” Kael turned his entire body toward me. “Please don’t ask me questions that I can’t answer. Not tonight. Please.” His voice was a whisper as his hand cupped my ear.
All of my shame and embarrassment and second thoughts about feeding the hunger I had for him quickly melted out of my body and mind. I couldn’t keep my eyes open when his thumb gently massaged the lobe of my ear. My neck instinctively rolled back and he lifted my head, firmly cradling my neck with his other fingers.
I let him take over. I didn’t want to stop whatever questionable decision we were about to make. His lips were even warmer than his fingers as they brushed against mine. The tiniest of contact. It tickled in a daze-inducing way. He pushed against me, bringing his body to hover over mine. My back pressed against the edge of my couch as his mouth opened mine. A wave of relief, calmness, excitement, silence, screaming, rolled over me. I lifted my hands to his shoulders and guided his body to trade places as I climbed onto his lap, feeling his arousal against the thin silk of my shorts. I could feel the wetness in my panties as I kissed him again and again.
The door shook with a knock just as Kael’s fingers dug into my hips, pressing me closer. I jumped off of him, my knee hitting my cup of tea and splashing it onto the floor.
“Elodie! Oh my god.” I wiped at my mouth and tried to calm myself down. I was quickly coming out of the trance, realizing I would have to face Elodie if she caught us like this. Or my brother, which would be even worse . . .
“It’s probably the food.” Kael stood and went to open the front door. Of course it was the food. Geez, Karina, paranoid much?
Kael set the plastic bag between us without saying a word about the second kiss or what would have happened if the delivery man hadn’t interrupted. He unpacked the bag and opened each container, describing the dish to me without teasing me for having copied his order. He handed me my food first and waited to see my reaction before taking a bite of his own.
“Incredible,” I said with a mouth full of food.
His smile distracted me from wondering if we were going to pretend like it didn’t happen, again. I didn’t want to know the answer to that—not right now, at least. So there we sat, bonding over the foam boxes on our laps, browsing through Netflix, and joking and bickering like an old married couple. The boundaries had all slipped tonight. I hoped it wouldn’t destroy me when I fell.
CHAPTER FORTY-SEVEN
Kael was parked in the back of the spa when I got off work the next day, his huge Bronco dripping water from its massive body. He was wearing a long-sleeved shirt with his company’s name printed on the front and blue jeans with frayed bottoms, as if he had worn them for years. I wanted to touch the soft, worn denim and feel the thread of the fabric against my fingertips.
“What are you doing here? How did you know when I would be off?” I was surprised to see him waiting with a freshly washed truck. Surprised, but thrilled.
“A little birdie told me,” he said, pulling his sunglasses off his eyes and opening the passenger door for me.
“Does that little birdie happen to have an adorable French accent?” I asked.
He shrugged. “That’s confidential,” he said with a straight face. I could see a little gleam in his eye. How was it possible that I missed him so much when he had stayed at my house until almost midnight, leaving right before Elodie got home? I didn’t know if I could hide Kael’s visit from her if she so much as mentioned his name. Even if I told her the minimum, that he was at the house, she would want something, a little snippet of gossip, a morsel of a taste of my personal life, but unfortunately for her, I didn’t kiss and tell. Oh, god, the kiss. It made my cheeks glow, my heart sink and float, sink and float.
“What are you doing here?” I asked Kael again. I was hesitant to climb into his truck, not knowing exactly where things stood with us.
“I came to hopefully get you to go on a date with me.”
“A date? I thought we said we weren’t going on dates, that we were just going to hang out until your discharge? We seem to keep doing the opposite of that.”
He shoved his hands into his pockets and stood there, next to the open door.
“I disagree. We’re technically hanging out.” He shrugged. It was hard to argue with him when he looked this relaxed, this innocent and playful. I knew if I went with him, I’d have a great time.
“Semantics,” I argued.
“Maybe, but would you like to hang out with me tonight, since you don’t work until eleven tomorrow?”
I said yes without even pretending to have to think about it. There was no point. We both knew I would go anywhere he asked me to. He held me by my elbow as I climbed up into the seat, and he shut the door behind me. The fact that he opened doors for me was something I appreciated in a guy. The gesture wasn’t lost on me—it was an old-fashioned and small thing, but I actually really liked the thought behind it and it made me feel safe. Kael was a gentleman without even trying. As he stood there, looking so confident in himself and in me, I knew this was all temporary and had my guard up not to get used to it. I hoped there would be men out there like him. If I could find someone who was half as smart and thoughtful and opinionated and socially and emotionally aware, I’d be lucky.
“I have something planned for you. Nothing too fancy, I put together some music”—he paused, sheepishly—“and I want to take you to dinner at my favorite spot in town.”
I was getting more excited by the minute.
“You made a playlist? How cliché, but also awesome.” I couldn’t wait to hear what Kael had assembled.
I was in fake-dating bliss.
“Wait, am I dressed okay? I’m still in my scrubs. I can change if you want to stop by my house.”
Kael shook his head. “You look great. You don’t need to change. Unless you really want to?”
I didn’t really want to. Yes, I wanted to dress cute and look as pretty as I could to hang out with Kael, but at the same time I felt comfortable. Even with no makeup and wearing my favorite black scrubs, I did actually feel pretty.
“I can stay in this,” I told him, settling it.
This is what life must be like every day for people who are in love. Not that I was in love, but this was companionship that’s good for one’s heart and self-esteem. Kael thinks I’m cool enough to hang out with, and though I tried not to value myself based on other people’s opinions of me, his opinion mattered.
“I found like five bands I think you’ve never heard of. One is called Chevelle. I once knew this guy in basic training who would scream their lyrics over and over. They were from his hometown, and by the time we graduated, I knew almost all of their songs by heart. I don’t know if you’ll like them now, but if you had listened to them before you fell for Shawn Mendes, it might have been a different story.”
“Leave Shawn out of this,” I told him with a smile.
“I saw that poster in your room at your dad’s.”
Kael turned onto the highway as daylight was disappearing from the sky.
“He’s the John Mayer of our generation,” I argued.
Kael snorted. “John Mayer is the John Mayer of our generation.”
A few minutes later, he was quiet, and I was happy as we listened to music and drove down a long, curvy road that I had never been on before. I would always remember the way the sun and moon danced in the sky that night and what a sense of calm his silence had started to bring over my body.
