The Falling, page 24
We got into his truck and kept conversation to a minimum. His brows were pulled, his eyes deep in thought. I knew my behavior was unfair and I didn’t know if I could stop it. I was hurt and embarrassed and not exactly great at controlling my acting out. Another thing to send my mom a thank-you postcard for if I ever got an address for her someday. This wasn’t Kael’s fault, I knew that. I needed to grow the hell up and stop lashing out. I would break the cycle, even though it was really fucking hard. Regardless of our sticky relationship, Kael and I were friends and I cared about and respected him enough to stop myself from doing what I would normally do, taking my hurricane of emotions out on everyone around me.
He had been through enough: the MP nearly took a nightstick to his already injured leg! The scene had been horrifying and the memory of it was a hundred times worse. It had to be a thousand times worse for Kael. But how dare I make this about me or Austin!
“It’s so messed up of me to be rude to you right now. Let’s not talk about my brother tonight? I’m sorry. We’ve . . . well, you’ve been through a lot. I’m really sorry for the way I responded. I know you’re coming from a good place,” I reassured Kael, reaching for his hand to calm me. I hesitated with my hand hovering above his, tempted but timid. His fingers reached up, wrapping around mine. They were warm and familiar, threaded through mine, and I felt grounded again. I didn’t know if he would let go or not, but if he did, I would respect that and not touch him again. He didn’t, though; he rearranged our fingers so he would drive safely, but he didn’t let go.
“I’m sorry for all of this. Really sorry. I can’t believe what just happened. You must be traumatized.”
“Enough saying sorry. I’m used to trauma.” He relied on humor to soften hard things, and it worked.
“I’m serious. You did nothing wrong. By standing up for my brother, you got forced into a shitty and dangerous situation. It’s so fucked up how they have a little bit of power and they abuse it. We should have stayed at dinner and let Austin figure it out. You didn’t have to rescue him.”
“That’s my job. Literally. To protect the freedom of civilians.” He smiled. He was being sarcastic, but his words were still somewhat true. The irony wasn’t lost on me.
“Do you really think that’s what you’re doing? In the Army?” I hesitated to ask, afraid that my words would come off as insulting. I didn’t mean them that way, and I knew how sensitive a topic this could be for him. If he didn’t respond, I would change the subject and not pressure him. But if he did, I’d be grateful for the insight into his beliefs.
He didn’t answer right away, so I counted my breaths while he turned the truck on and blasted the heat. It was so loud and blew cold air that hadn’t warmed up yet.
“I can’t speak for every single service member, but I know that I try to do what’s right, with good intentions. When you put enough humans in the same place, there are going to be some bad ones. But in my case, I never went out of my way to hurt anyone, I never abused my power like some do.” The look on his face was one of a lost boy. A soldier away from war, but still not at home.
Nothing I could say would match the gravity of what he was saying. A simple Thank you for your service wouldn’t do.
“And you’re still willing to die for the cause?” I asked.
He lifted our connected hands to his lips. He kissed the back of mine and I closed my eyes. A small comfort.
“Yes,” he said. The word felt like a flame against the back of my hand.
“Please don’t.” I opened my eyes to see him staring through me.
“It’s not like I plan to. But there’s—”
I interrupted him by moving our hands to cover his mouth.
“Let’s keep it at that,” I begged. I couldn’t think about him going anywhere except across the state of Georgia.
“Deal.” He leaned back against the seat. “For now, at least.”
I didn’t want to read too much into his comment. It felt like a warning so it made me pause, but I blocked myself from digging into it. I focused on him. On his warm eyes, his careful and callused hand holding mine. Even inside of the eye of a storm, he could make me feel like I was safely planted. It was all about perception, and mine could have used a dose or two of reality. But instead of searching for the ground, I was floating in the sky with the brightest star of all. My mom’s voice echoed in my head as I leaned over and kissed Kael: The brightest stars burn the fastest, so we must love them while we can. She told me that only once, but all these years later I still remembered it.
I touched his cheek with my free hand, running my fingers over his skin. The soft scar tissue above his eye, but below the fresh cut there, the harshness of his jawline.
“Are you okay, really?” I asked, loading the question this time with extra meaning.
He laughed a breath through his nose and looked straight out of the windshield. “Maybe someday I will be.”
“Let’s go home?” I asked Kael, no longer wanting to pressure him with conversation.
He nodded in agreement, and I hoped he would come in and stay the night of his own accord, without me having to ask. We drove home in the most peaceful silence. My eyes closed again, and by the time we made it to my house I was dreaming of a place where I could keep Kael safe.
CHAPTER FIFTY
I don’t know what I’d do without my job. It wasn’t only about paying bills—although God knows there was that. It was about turning the key in the front door, switching on the lights, making sure we had fresh towels and were stocked with oils. Each little task took me out of myself and helped me connect to the world around me. I was sure of my skills as a massage therapist and proud of what I could do to help people disentangle the knots of their own lives. I needed that more than ever today, as I tried to disengage from the anxiety that hadn’t gone away from last night. One minute I was listening to music with Kael and the next I was being interviewed by aggressive military police.
Mali understood why I was late. She had urged me to take the day off when I called to tell her what had happened, but I couldn’t bring myself to do that. Kael didn’t stay over at my house after all. He didn’t even come inside. He woke me up, walked me to the porch, and touched his hand to the top of my arm as his good night. We were back to just friends now that the moon was replaced by the sun.
He texted me that he had discharge appointments on post all day, and I guessed that meant he was getting closer and closer to his release from the Army. He asked if I had to work today and I told him yes, until late afternoon. He didn’t ask what I was doing after work, so I didn’t volunteer any more information. I was trying to keep things cool even though I truly hated being away from him. I was already embarrassed from having called him while I walked to work. He didn’t pick up, of course, and I left a nervous voicemail that I tried to delete but pressed the wrong button and sent it. I also couldn’t stop constantly checking my phone between clients and even once during a treatment for his answer. I took a few extra seconds after covering the client’s eyes with a warm towel. And finally, halfway through my shift, I got a text from Kael—very brief and wanting to know if I had plans for dinner.
I had texted my brother, too, trying to figure out what the hell happened last night. It was unbelievably stupid—he could have been badly hurt or arrested. And Kael was nearly assaulted by the MPs, and risked ruining his good standing and discharge plans. I needed to make sense of why Austin had gotten himself in that situation over this girl. It was so stupid. I could barely stand it. I thought about going by my dad’s and dragging my brother out of the house to interrogate him—but now that Kael was asking about dinner, I decided I’d much rather spend the evening with him than with my brother or alone with a frozen pizza and a half-bottle of wine.
Austin
I’ll come by tonight. If you want, come get me.
Kael
How late will you be there?
I was excited to read another text from Kael during my shift, but now disappointed to see that Austin wanted to come over for the evening. I was scheduled to work until four, but I would slip out an hour early if I didn’t have a walk-in by three. Maybe I would have time to see Austin before having dinner with Kael.
Kael texted that he wouldn’t be finished with all of his meetings until after five anyway. I invited him to come over around six thirty p.m., and offered to buy him dinner to even out his paying for my food the last time. I didn’t have money for much, but we could order in something tonight, and the next time I got paid, I could take him to a nicer place. Next time. The words sent a shiver of a warning through me. I really, really needed to stay in the present with Kael, or we wouldn’t fit anywhere at all. There was no future and I doubted I would ever see him again after his discharge and the arrival of Elodie’s baby. Phillip would be home and everything would go back to the way it was. I would be alone in my house again.
While waiting for my next client to undress and get comfortable before their treatment, I texted my brother to confirm that we needed to talk and that he’d better not fucking flake on me. I was more tired today than usual. I hadn’t slept very well after Kael dropped me off. For some reason, I lay in bed thinking only of the shitty things in my life. I didn’t have a typical family, or a loving boyfriend. I didn’t have Instagram-worthy brunches with a big group of girlfriends. Not that I even really wanted that, but the option had never presented itself. But what I did have, for now, was Kael, and I started to reread his texts when I saw one from Austin letting me know that he got a ride and was on his way over to my house.
I would still be at work for at least an hour, but I told him my door was unlocked. Kael’s by-the-books voice was in my head telling me to keep my door locked at all times, whether I was gone or at home. He seemed way too concerned, but I had downloaded the neighborhood security app when I moved in and it was pretty damn terrifying to get an alert every hour for a break-in or assault. Stolen dog, drunk driver, drunk soldiers fighting at a bar—it was so overwhelming that I turned my notifications off after three days. I knew the world was a lot darker than I wanted to believe it was, but I still wanted to have hope that we didn’t need to shut our doors and lock ourselves away from our neighbors and community. I hated the idea that I couldn’t leave my front door open with just the screen between me and everything outside. I wanted to hear the sound of cars, people talking and connecting as they walked down the little strip of shops across the street, the roll of thunderstorms, and the calm patter of the rain. Even honks and sirens were a part of the soundtrack of my life.
Austin was sitting on my couch, shoes off, hat on. I had thought about what I would say to him as I walked home from work. He looked bright and awake, much different from the way he looked last night, when Kael laid him in his bed. Austin pepped up when I walked in, grinning at me, already playing for my forgiveness. He was conniving back when we were seven, and even now not much had changed. Well, our family had changed a lot, our lives were turned upside down when our mother left us and a woman we didn’t know moved into our house before our mom even had a chance to come back. But Austin was still a brat.
“How was work?” he asked.
I stepped over his legs. He was sprawled across nearly the whole couch, and I maneuvered to the small available space at the other end and sat down.
“It sucked. It was fine, but it sucked. What the hell happened last night?”
“It was a misunderstanding. I’ll be fine as soon as I eat. What can you cook for me?”
I reached out to feel his forehead and rolled my eyes. “What can I cook for you? You should be asking what can you, Austin, make for me. And that’s not an answer to my question. I need details and I need you to stop getting yourself and other people in trouble. Kael could have really gotten hurt, Austin. This isn’t a game.”
He pouted for a second before nodding. “I know, I know. Let me order food. I have fifty bucks. We can get pizza.”
I shook my head. I definitely didn’t feel like cooking, but my brother needed to eat. I wasn’t going to let Austin leave here without him telling me what the hell happened last night.
“I have dinner plans and you need to save your money. Let’s make you something,” I suggested.
I stood up and waited for him to follow me into the kitchen. The sunlight pouring through the windows made that room at least ten degrees warmer.
“I have pasta and a few things in the fridge that are going to go bad soon. Let’s use up what I have.” I winked at him. “You should save your money for a haircut.” I pointed to his uncharacteristically long hair. I sort of loved when his hair was long, the opposite of a soldier, away from danger. Or was he?
“How did you get here, anyway?” I opened the cabinet and pulled out a pot. I knew I had pasta in my pantry and tomatoes on the counter that were nearly too ripe.
“Martin dropped me off.”
The pot slipped from my hands and fell into the sink. Water splashed up at me. “Martin?”
I turned the water off and looked at my brother. “How?”
My brother rolled his eyes and looked at me like I was making a mountain out of a molehill by asking him that. I had every reason to, especially after last night.
“I called him to say sorry for being a shitbag last night.” Austin was that way. He would put you in a crappy situation but not entirely on purpose, and he would always actually feel bad about it.
“How did you get his number?”
“Mendoza gave it to me.”
I sighed. My small circle was becoming more and more tangled.
“Are you and Mendoza close? I knew you were friends before, but have you stayed in touch?”
Austin nodded and the screen door creaked. Elodie’s voice chirped through the house, cutting the conversation off before my brother could respond.
“Karina?”
“In here!” I answered, as she came in, her face looking more tired than usual.
“I got home just in time, it’s about to pour!” She sat down at the table next to Austin and he gave her a big smile.
“We’re making dinner. You hungry?” he asked her.
I laughed, turning around to them. “Correction, I am making dinner. For Austin. Pasta with . . . well, random stuff, but it’ll be good.”
I turned the stove on to boil the water and started to dig through the fridge to see what random vegetables I had to throw into the pasta sauce. Carrots. Even though Austin was like a child when it came to food, if I chopped them up small enough he wouldn’t notice them. Hell, even if he saw me chopping them, he probably wouldn’t notice.
Austin and Elodie started basic small talk, how unpredictable the rain was and how the weather people never got the forecast right, that Austin had a headache and that Elodie’s hands were starting to ache each day after work. The pain was increasing quickly, and she was a little worried. Austin touched the tips of her fingers and she winced.
“Sorry.” He let go, looking like a puppy who’d chewed apart a favorite shoe.
“It’s okay,” she assured him, verbally petting his head. “I have about ten minutes until I have to meet Martin; he’s with Julien and Gloria.”
I turned around faster than I meant to, coming comically close to chopping the tip of my finger off. I set the knife toward the back of the cutting board, facing away from me.
“Martin, Kael Martin?” I asked her, somewhat puzzled. He told me he had meetings on post until five, but he was with Austin maybe an hour ago; now he’s somewhere with Mendoza’s wife and baby, and Elodie is going to meet up with them?
Elodie nodded. “He picked them up from home and dropped them off at the doctor. Kael’s been spending all his time on post for his discharge stuff. I offered to take them home since Mendoza’s on twenty-four-hour duty. I haven’t met Gloria, but I’m hoping to make mom friends.” Elodie’s voice became more and more exhausted as she finished her sentence.
“Oh. Yeah. Gloria seems cool.” I turned back around and continued chopping the carrot, noticing that the water in the pot was beginning to boil. My mind drifted to Kael as Elodie and Austin started talking about some park she saw on Instagram. So Kael must have driven back and forth to help them out. Of course he did. I felt the little nudge between my lungs as I thought of how much I liked the softness of his actions and how they spoke infinitely louder than his words.
I realized that Kael and I don’t talk much about his military life day to day. It’s more about the big picture of his life, but even then, the conversation is mostly focused on me. Elodie seemed to talk to Kael every day, and I wondered what he might have told her about us. I thought about mentioning to Elodie how often I’m hanging out with him.“Hey, Elodie, Kael and I are. . . friends . . . and we kissed more than once. I kinda want to kiss him again, but we’re just friends . . . okay, thanks? But since I can’t even explain what the hell we’re doing, there was really nothing to say to her.
Elodie’s loud laugh suddenly interrupted my thoughts. Clearly, I had missed one of Austin’s jokes, but I noticed how he had managed to charm her. The banter between the two of them was a pleasant distraction.
“Mom friends in the Army can be brutal. My mom got treated like shit by the wives around us. She hated it, that’s for sure,” Austin told Elodie. It felt a bit too personal, a bit too vulnerable for him to say so casually in my kitchen.
“It’s hard. I just want them to like me, is that too much to ask?” she whined, laying her forehead on the wooden kitchen table. She lifted it and gently put it back down, not actually touching, but pretending to bang the table a few times for dramatic effect. “I feel like I’m in primary school again but this time it’s worse, because I don’t know anyone, they are speaking another language, and I can’t even run home to my parents,” she sighed.
