The Falling, page 28
“I did what I had to do to help you, all of you.” My dad pointed an accusing finger at Kael. “I watched you pull a body into camp, barely able to walk yourself. I did what I believed to be right, and I have a hell of a lot more experience with this than you do.”
“You were protecting your own position! You didn’t give a fuck about us or our lives! You only cared about your retirement and not jeopardizing your legacy,” Kael snarled at my dad. “Tell your daughter how you used the lives of young men and women to get promotions and medals. Tell her how you constantly threatened us, making sure we never so much as whispered your name. My fucking friend is losing his mind over the guilt and he can’t even talk to anyone about it.” Kael stepped toward my dad. They were now to face-to-face.
“Are you hearing yourself, Martin? You’re a soldier. I’m a soldier. We’ve seen and done things most people can’t dream of. If you’re haunted by what you’ve done, you’re a piss-poor excuse for a man.”
Kael stood silent as my father continued his demeaning rant.
“You know what will really haunt both of you? If he can’t feed his family and has no paycheck, no healthcare, nothing. That’s haunting.” My dad’s thick finger pressed against Kael’s chest. I took a sharp breath, Kael didn’t react. “You really want to get back at me, Martin? Sleeping with my daughter isn’t the way to provoke me.”
Kael didn’t flinch, but my nerves and anger erupted.
“What the hell are you talking about?” I exploded. “You don’t know anything about us or what we’re doing!” My dad had the nerve to slap us both with an accusation that wasn’t even true.
“This is bigger than whatever childish game you two are playing, Karina. This man can’t be trusted. He’s an unreliable liar. He’s put people in danger, real danger—you and your brother should keep your distance.”
My dad’s golf shirt was pulling, untucking from his jeans, and his skin was red, all blotchy. Like a liar, or an innocent man on trial. I couldn’t tell. Like my mom said, there’s always more than one lie for every truth. I looked at Kael again.
“At this point you don’t even care, do you, Martin? You have your bags all packed to move up to Atlanta and, what, are you going to take my daughter with you?” He laughed, then continued, “I know you bought a house there. Word travels fast around here. You know that better than most.”
Words burned in my throat, failing to escape. There was no way that what my dad was saying was true.
“You bought a place in Atlanta?” I turned to Kael, but he was speechless, and my confusion turned into devastation. “Did you?”
I couldn’t hide my shock as he nodded.
“When were you going to tell me?”
I wanted to touch his face and turn his cheek toward me so he would have to face me, but I was too stunned to move.
“You knew I was leaving,” he said simply, as if we were discussing what to eat for dinner. His jaw was clenched, but his mouth was flat, nothing to read. I couldn’t tell if he was putting on a show for my father, acting like he didn’t give a shit about me, or if he just really didn’t. He was just the other day offering to take me to his place, here in town. Not in fucking Atlanta. I hated being gaslit. But I wasn’t even sure that’s what Kael was doing, since there was zero emotion is his eyes; he didn’t even care enough to manipulate me.
“That doesn’t answer my question, Kael. When are you going?”
“Soon.” He barely spoke.
I couldn’t breathe, but managed to ask, “When?”
“Not soon enough,” my dad replied for him.
I couldn’t look away from Kael, not even to tell my dad to shut the fuck up. When I searched Kael’s eyes, I couldn’t find what I was looking for. I couldn’t find anything.
I felt my anger too intensely to control it. I needed a reaction from him, so I pushed against his chest, but his body didn’t move at all. Even the way the fabric of his uniform felt against my palms triggered me. The green and tan had always been an omen to the bad shit in my life.
I pushed Kael’s chest again. I needed reassurance that the person I’d come to know was in there somewhere, that I hadn’t invented this. As my hands touched his chest, his grasped for mine, latching on to my wrists.
“Do not touch me like that,” he said calmly, looking into my eyes as he lowered our hands, then let go of mine. The words went straight to the deepest part of me and filled me with shame. He took a step away and stopped near the entryway of the kitchen.
I immediately shrank. What was I even doing? I couldn’t believe that I had just pushed him like that, and in front of my father. No matter my anger. I couldn’t look at my dad because I was afraid that I’d see more of myself in him than I could accept. I apologized to Kael immediately and loudly, but he didn’t seem fazed. He was blank, shut down, a vacant soldier replacing the man I had come to know.
Kael was slipping away from my little living room.
“None of us are right in the head anymore.” Kael’s words tore me open and I struggled to stay in self-preservation mode.
I didn’t believe Kael was being honest with me, and my dad was a notorious liar. I felt like I was in a fun house, mirrors cut in weird shapes, bent to confuse you with a distorted version of reality. What you thought was reality. Everything around me was warped.
“Both of you, just get out.” My voice was shaky in its delivery, but the words came out confidently.
Kael remained unfazed. Wow. The pain lashed at me again.
My dad persisted in pushing my boundaries.
“Karina, we need to resolve this before it becomes more of a problem.”
“This isn’t my problem. It’s yours.” I pointed at both of them and said the words through gritted teeth.
Kael barely made eye contact. I couldn’t believe his audacity to not even look me in the fucking eyes.
“Get out. Now,” I said to them both again, but I was looking directly at Kael. He was still staring straight ahead as Elodie’s voice rang through the chaos.
“Martin! You’re here again!” she chirped, having no clue what she had just walked into as she bounced across the living room to give Kael a hug. Her face shifted from excitement to confusion as he stood unmoved by her enthusiasm. He suddenly took a step, then another, and his body moved like a robot, not stopping or even glancing toward Elodie as he walked out the front door.
I couldn’t bring myself to watch him leave, so I focused on my father.
“You, too. Get out.” I looked directly into my dad’s beady eyes and gestured toward to the door.
Kael’s truck roared in the background. I felt sick to my stomach. My father looked at Elodie, opened his mouth, then snapped it shut. He was summoning his outward charm—something he had mastered for the sake of appearances.
“I heard your soldier will be home soon.” My dad’s tone was soft as he touched Elodie’s shoulder. They weren’t close, but he had always been nice to her when she tagged along for dinner.
“I hadn’t heard this, is that true?” She sounded genuinely shocked at the news. Her eyes blinked a few times as my dad nodded.
“I’ll be going, good to see you, Elodie.” He managed a smile for her as she awkwardly waved goodbye and disappeared into the kitchen, leaving me alone with my dad.
A scowl returned to his face as he addressed me. “I’ll see you on Tuesday.” His tone told me that it wasn’t a request, it was an order.
This, whatever the fuck this whole thing was, wasn’t close to being over. Instead of feeding his ego and airing my grievances as I felt them, I waved at the door again, not giving him the satisfaction of taking any more of me. I held my breath until he was gone and made my way into the kitchen, where Elodie was pacing was back and forth, waiting for me. Her arms immediately went around my body, and for the first time since I met her, I didn’t have the energy to pretend that everything was okay.
CHAPTER FIFTY-EIGHT
When I woke up the next morning, my head was throbbing. I couldn’t exactly recall how I got to my bed last night but had a faint memory of Elodie’s voice shushing my sobs as they wore me down to sleep. I remember her standing in the doorway with a look of pure worry on her face, the thin line of hallway light disappearing with her as she left the room.
I had tossed and turned the entire night. My room was too hot, then too cold. I curled into a ball to comfort myself, covering my mouth to calm the heaving; I had no tears left, but my body seemed to think that I did. I couldn’t stop. As soon as I would slip into near-sleep, Kael’s face would flash in my mind. When I couldn’t sleep, I checked my phone, too many times to count. My finger hovered over his name repeatedly, deliberating whether to block him or delete his number, but at the same time desperately hoping for a single text from him. Nothing. And I had the strength to do nothing except toss my phone to the other side of my bed.
Even in my dreams, I couldn’t escape him. Was my heart actually broken? Was Kael a liar? He wasn’t even part of my life a few weeks ago. My reaction to all of this was an overreaction. I was preparing to lose him eventually, but this felt different from the loss I knew was coming. I imagined that pain would be a longing ache for him, inflicted by distance, something remedied by texts and calls here and there. But this was altogether different.
I stretched my arms out in front of me as I lay in bed. My body felt sore everywhere. The morning was misty and overcast, and I couldn’t guess the time. How long had I slept? I found my phone under one of my pillows and squinted through puffy eyes to read: 8:24. I needed to get up and ready for work at eleven, but didn’t know how I was going to deal with today’s shift. I untangled myself from the disheveled mess of sheets and comforter and got out of bed. As I walked out of my room to the bathroom I heard the TV in the living room and knew Elodie was already awake. After a quick check of my face in the bathroom mirror, I splashed my cheeks with water in a futile attempt to revive myself. Kael’s tube of cinnamon-flavored toothpaste sat unopened on the counter. I cringed, feeling a pang of regret. He never even had the chance to use it, but maybe that was for the best.
As I stepped into the hallway, I heard Elodie giggle, clearly amused by whatever she was watching. That laugh always lifted my spirits when we hung out and binged on TV. She had kept me from plummeting last night. She hadn’t asked any questions, she just hugged me as we sat on the couch as I cried. She was here for me last night in a way that I had never felt in a friendship before. I wanted to thank Elodie and say that I was sorry that I hadn’t told her about what was going on with me and Kael.
“You’re awake.” She smiled, turning toward me as she lowered the volume on the remote. Head hurt. It felt like it had been days, not hours, since Kael and my dad were here. Elodie looked surprised as I practically crawled to her on the couch, snuggled up next to her, and wrapped my arm around her. She covered me with the blanket she was using, and I cuddled in closer. We didn’t say anything at first and I couldn’t think of where to begin or just how much I wanted to say. I owed it to her and myself to at least try to explain what was going on.
“Do you believe in coincidences?” I asked.
“Coincidence is simply what happens.” She paused. “Are you asking me about serendipity?”
Serendipity? Kael coming into my life seemed like a series of unfortunate events. I didn’t want to admit it was anything more than that.
“A coincidence is like bumping into an old friend at the movies or thinking about someone you haven’t heard from in a while and then seeing their name pop up next to a text.” Could it really be a coincidence that Kael and my dad and Austin and Mendoza and Phillip and everyone, literally everyone, were connected? I took a breath and continued, “The fact that my dad and Phillip and Kael are all in the same company feels like a bizarre circumstance.”
“It does, but you get to decide what that means for you, Karina.”
I stared at Elodie as she spoke, trying to take in how wise and comforting she was. People often underestimated her ability to read situations. Yes, she seemed young and bubbly, and adorably French, but her instinct and perspective blew me away.
Though I was ashamed to admit it, my first impulse was to lie again, to protect myself, but Elodie was trying to be a friend to me, and I desperately wanted to let her.
“Kael was here the whole time you were gone, and we’ve been seeing each other, well, not dating, but we were hanging out since the day we met.” My cheeks flushed, I barely had any energy, but the bit I did have was pure guilt.
“Did you sleep together? I’m not judging, only curious,” she asked me.
I shook my head. I couldn’t meet her eyes anymore, so I leaned my head onto her shoulder again.
“We didn’t. He didn’t even try.” I stopped mid-thought and had a realization. “Wow, that should have been my sign. He didn’t even want to sleep with me.”
“Be glad you didn’t, then,” Elodie said softly. I nodded in agreement.
A little corner, all the way in the back of my heart, the only part that hadn’t gone numb, began to ache again. Kael’s face flashed through my mind, him smiling at me, us in my kitchen, us falling onto my bed. The way he paid attention to the smallest things I said, the way his eyes lit up when we shared a favorite song.
“I think the other things we did were more intimate than sex. If we had only hooked up, this would be so much easier to get over.” I shuddered. How did I get myself into such a mess?
She took that in. “Yeah, the sex is the easy part, isn’t it?”
We nodded at each other.
“Do you want me to tell you that I think you shouldn’t see Martin anymore and that things sometimes don’t happen for a reason?”
I sat quiet for a moment.
“I don’t know why it feels like my world is ending,” I said softly, as Elodie’s hand stroked my shoulder and down my back. I felt like a child curled up next to her. “I’ve only been this hurt once in my life, when my mom left. Maybe I should just get used to the fact that everyone who comes into my life will leave at some point.” I saw my life as a revolving door. I got over my mother. I would surely get over this.
“What am I even saying?” I continued, closing my eyes. My mother’s face flashed behind my lids. “My mom leaving was so much worse. Kael’s a stranger. I can’t believe I’m even comparing them.”
Elodie breathed in a deep breath. I couldn’t look at her when she spoke. “Loss can’t be measured in that way. If it was that simple, life would be much easier.”
Her words sat with me, and as they settled, I felt a bit of relief in my lungs.
“People are selfish.” I sighed. “I’ve always known that. I think I lost my mind a bit.”
“People do things they don’t plan to do when they’re in love.”
I let out a cackle, overcompensating for the possibility of truth there. “I’m so not in love.”
“Well, it might feel just as painful as if you were,” she said, pursing her lips. “I thought Martin was a nice guy. I really did, I’m sorry that I introduced you to him.”
The size of Elodie’s heart was so admirable. I wondered if things would have been different had I confided in her about Kael from the start. None of this was her fault, and I wanted to tell her that.
I sighed. “I lied to you about Kael, I’m the one who’s sorry.”
She shook her head and a piece of her hair fell from the low ponytail resting just above her neck. She tucked it behind her ear.
“Karina?” Elodie’s bright blue eyes met mine. She lifted one hand and rested it on her stomach. “Do you think your dad was telling the truth that Phillip will be home soon?”
My heart ached. “I wish I knew. Has Phillip not mentioned this to you?”
“No, he didn’t.” Elodie’s tone was solemn. “Did Kael say anything?”
I shook my head, but wished I had something to tell her. It made me worry how easily she could be hurt, and with people like Kael and my dad around her, I wanted her to be more guarded when it came to trusting others. If I ever found a way to look at my father again, I would try to find out what was going on. It was the least I could do for my only friend.
Elodie tapped her finger against the tip of my nose, making my eyes close and my face crinkle. “Let’s not change this to me.” Her smile was a sweet and knowing one, and I realized I hadn’t even asked her about her trip!
“Okay, but first you have to tell me about Atlanta. Did you have fun? Were The Wives nice to you?”
She smiled, giving my arm a playful squeeze. “Absolutely fun! But it was very crowded everywhere and the shopping was too expensive. I had a good time, but it will be curious if they ask me to hang out again.”
“They will.” I looked up at her. “If they don’t, it’s their loss anyway.”
“You need to eat,” Elodie exclaimed, jumping up from the couch. She disappeared into the kitchen and returned a moment later with a bowl of Cheerios with sugar sprinkled on top. Elodie knew it was my favorite breakfast, something my mom had made any time of day or night when she knew I needed a pick-me-up. It was still my comfort-food ritual.
I looked at the time on my phone: it was already 9:45, and I was due at work at eleven. How was I going to work a shift today? I was in no mood to be with anyone.
“I am going to call Mali,” I said between bites of cereal. “I know I’ve taken time off this week, but I just can’t go there today. I know Mali’s going to freak, but I just can’t do it.”
