The Falling, page 25
I couldn’t imagine Elodie not being liked by the women she desperately wanted to befriend. They were the only people who would truly understand her situation and be able to relate in a much deeper way. I was proud of myself for wanting my friend to be happy and loved and have as many friends as her little pure heart could hold; the thought of her happiness didn’t make me jealous at all. Unlike my father, who needed to possess the people closest to him under the pretense of love. I tried really fucking hard to not be like him in that way. I wanted the things I love to flourish, uncaged and free. He made the mistake of marrying someone whose mind, body, and spirit were wild. She couldn’t be owned, and he needed to collect things. While my mother couldn’t be tamed, Estelle was primed to be a precious and pampered doll—a beautiful brunette with eyes for him and his world only, a prize he could display, polished and perfect.
“What time is it?” Elodie asked, eyeing the downpour of rain through the window. “Gloria was supposed to be here with Julien by now.”
“Have either of you seen their baby? He’s so cute.” Austin strummed his fingers on the table.
“Only in pictures!” Elodie responded immediately in a high-pitched voice. “He looks just like his—” She stopped in mid-sentence and her face lit up; so did my brother’s.
Elodie’s hand shot up into the air and waved. I turned to see who they were looking at as the back door opened. Kael stood, half in, half out, dressed in his uniform, his cap hanging out of his front pocket. I quickly ran through my appearance in my head. I was still in work clothes, with frizzy, air-dried hair. Even though I’d planned to be a bit more polished when I saw him, when we made eye contact, my self-consciousness instantly disappeared. It was wild, the effect he had on me. All of the spiraling thoughts slid from my mind as he took a step forward and a small child walked in behind him. The boy had dark hair, wet from the rain. He was as cute as Elodie and Austin had gushed, and Mendoza’s wife, Gloria, followed behind him. She was beautiful—of course she was—and radiant, despite the dampening rain. She had big, dark eyes and thick, long hair. She was dressed in a white turtleneck tucked into dark jeans. Her jeans were baggy on her frame and her smile oozed confidence and sweetness, almost as if she was an old friend, though I had never spoken to her.
“Hi.” Elodie addressed the child first. “I’m Elodie.” She was using a baby-talk voice and the boy smiled brightly. Okay, he was actually the cutest child I had ever seen. He looked so much like Mendoza, but also like his mother. Big, bright brown eyes and thick lashes.
Austin stood up to hug Gloria and I waved awkwardly. It was clear that Austin knew her well by the way he smiled at her and the fact that he wasn’t hitting on her. My kitchen felt smaller than ever as Gloria glared at Austin and playfully hit his arm.
“I heard you got Martin smoked today for what you did last night. Get your shit together.” She spoke to my brother like a sibling.
What Gloria said took a few seconds to hit me. Kael had been reprimanded and humiliated, publicly, at work, but wasn’t going for my brother’s throat? I guess no one was immune to Austin’s charm. I was used to seeing women, even myself, hover over him and contort themselves to accommodate his varied behaviors and volatile personalities—outwardly strong, yet sometimes extremely fragile.
“I knowwwww,” Austin whined, and ran his hands through his messy hair. “I’m sorry, truly. I’m not going near that girl again,” he promised all of us. When his eyes landed on me, I mentally cussed him out in hopes that the whole twin-telepathy thing would work.
“You better. Are you coming over to grill with us?” Gloria asked Austin.
“Hell, yeah,” he responded without hesitation.
“You can come, too.” Gloria was looking at me. “We’re going to chill at our house, if you want to join us.”
It felt nice to be included, but I really didn’t want to be around anyone other than Kael today. I didn’t know how to respond in a way that wasn’t rude. I wanted to keep open the chance of being invited again. My brain was failing me, not coming up with the words fast enough, when Kael spoke. He was answering Gloria, but his eyes were on me.
“Actually, we have plans. And we can’t move them.” He shrugged and looked at her.
“Next time, then.” Thankfully, Gloria’s smile was just as warm as it was when she arrived.
I nodded to Gloria, tentatively accepting her future invite.
I would be sure to thank Kael for saving me from my own social awkwardness when they left. Honestly, I wanted them all to leave, even adorable little Julien. I wanted to be alone with Kael.
CHAPTER FIFTY-ONE
“Sorry, Kare. Next time, dinner’s on me.” Austin gave me a hug and said another quick sorry against my ear.
He was out the door before I could respond. I waved goodbye to Gloria as she left carrying Julien. Elodie double-kissed me and gave me a puzzled look before opening her umbrella and following Gloria out of the house. As their voices trailed off, Kael shut the door, locking not only the main door, but the screen door, too. Just like that, the kitchen was empty.
“Are you keeping something out or locking me in?” I asked him, sarcasm coating my voice.
He laughed and brought his gaze to meet mine. I nearly squirmed when he focused in. “Both.”
I couldn’t move the smile from my face, and Kael’s doubled in size, bigger than I’d ever seen. Finally, a level-ten smile from Kael Martin! I won. I didn’t know what, but in my head there were buzzers going off and neon signs saying !!WINNER!! and I knew that something special was mine. We stood there for a few seconds, taking each other in, the rain outside filling our silence. Kael’s eyes went from my scalp to my socks and back up to my face before he spoke again.
“Hi.”
“Hi.” I smiled a smile that was so big that I couldn’t close my mouth, even when I tried.
“How are you?” he asked, nudging his shoulder to mine.
“I’m okay. How are you? You seem pretty happy for someone who got smoked today.” My brows drew together. I nearly apologized for my brother again, but Kael’s voice in my head stopped me.
His smile stayed as he replied. “It’s done now. I needed the exercise anyway.” He laughed, and I felt relief and guilt at the same time.
“Kael, I’m—”
“If you say sorry, I’m going to . . . well, I don’t know what I’ll do exactly, but don’t apologize for your brother,” he told me in a voice so patient that I couldn’t help but nod in agreement.
His face was freshly shaven, and his thick eyebrows were perfectly wild above his bright eyes. He was still grinning. Something about him felt different, lighter. I was confused, but so happy to be this close to him.
“Did you have a lot of meetings today?” I asked, shuffling my soft socks against the tile floor.
“I did.”
“And played taxi?”
He nodded. “A lot of driving. How was work?” he asked, turning the conversation back to me.
“It was okay. Same as always,” I told him, feeling the floodgates open in my mind. I tried to hold them up, but knew it was a lost cause.
“I was bored, honestly. I’m starting to feel a little . . . distracted at work.”
Kael’s brow lifted. “Distracted? How so?”
I felt my cheeks flush and my heart began to pick up speed. You! You distract me!
“Just life.” I told half the truth.
Kael was good at reading me, so I looked away from him and stared at the boiling water on the stove. I had wasted my time cooking for my brother. Typical.
“What were you cooking?” Kael changed the subject. He was looking at the skillet of food on the stovetop.
“Kitchen-sink pasta, my specialty when food in the fridge is about to go bad.” I waved my arm in the air. “For Austin, but he left, so I might as well not even finish it.”
Kael took a step toward the hot skillet. “I’m starving. I didn’t eat anything today because I was too busy.”
“Oh, you don’t want to eat my cooking, trust me. Didn’t you want to get dinner somewhere?”
He shrugged. “I’m easy. I’m good with staying in, if you are. And this smells really fucking good, honestly.”
A tiny compliment and my confidence was soaring. I pointed to the simmering pasta sauce. “Why don’t you try it first?”
“It can’t be that bad,” he teased, grabbing the ladle from the counter. He dipped it into the sauce and managed to make such a simple act insanely attractive.
“I wouldn’t be so sure,” I confessed.
“I’ve eaten MREs.”
I remembered my dad bringing home a spaghetti-flavored MRE for my brother and me to try after his first deployment. It was such a novelty to see food made out of powder, and Austin and I got so excited. For years I tried to hold that fond memory with my father as close as I could. I almost told Kael about it instantly, but I didn’t want to bring down the mood by talking about my dad.
I smirked as he brought the spoon to his lips for a second time.
“It’s really good. Let’s eat this?”
“If you’re sure”—I shrugged and turned off the burner—“after the day you’ve had.”
“Who said I had a bad day?” Kael asked, stepping closer. He put his arms on both sides of me and leaned in. His face was inches from mine.
Would it be weird if I kissed him?
Will he remember kissing me when he’s back in his hometown, beginning his new life? Would he miss me? Would he remember me at all? The thoughts hurt me.
“I—” I couldn’t recall what he had just said to me. I was too distracted by how close he was.
“I’ve been smoked before; everyone has. I’m taking this as a farewell from the Army. Plus, look how my day has turned around.” He licked his lips, and I mirrored his action without a thought.
“You promise you’re okay?” I asked one last time.
“Me?” He tapped his chest with his finger. It landed on his rank badge, front and center.
I nodded. My throat was dry as a bone. “Yes, you. After yesterday, after today, in general. I really hope you’re okay,” I said, meaning it.
He smiled again. “I’m fine. Are you worried about me?” he asked playfully.
I shook my head, avoiding eye contact. He dipped his head down to make my eyes meet his.
“Karina, I think you are worried about me.”
The kitchen, my very small kitchen, felt as if it were shrinking by the second.
“I mean, I was worried, yeah. Last night was pretty damn intense. I feel like you should run away from me as soon as you can, before something worse happens to you.”
He smiled and chewed his lip again. The scar above his brow had darkened; I noticed the change of color. Some days it was more raised, others more purple. The cut he got last night was less pronounced today. I felt a little relief.
“I’ve been to war twice before the age of twenty-one. I can handle MPs, and Austin is . . . well, Austin.” He sounded like he knew my brother well and, once again, I felt left out.
“Karina, Karina, Karina,” he sang my name. There was a softness to the way it sounded that made me want to close my eyes. So I did.
Kael’s voice carried on. “You keep apologizing for things you didn’t do. I thought we were going to stop doing that,” he teased.
I loved this mood he was in. I wanted to stay in a cloud of it forever. I was blissful long enough to get addicted, enough to crave it again until reality caught up with me. What was I doing? Literally, what the hell was I doing? I opened my eyes, closing the curtain on my daydreamy moment with Kael.
I somehow managed a voice. “You sound like my old therapist.”
“Is that a good or bad thing?”
I thought about it for a second. “Both.”
“Well, if I were your therapist, I would surely advise you to stay away from men like me.”
I watched him as he nodded and inched closer to me. I wished I knew where we stood.
“Far, far away,” he whispered.
My eyes grew wider as he neared. His mouth was saying the opposite of what he was doing. Something inside me burned to know more, to know everything about him.
“And what if I don’t want to stay away?”
“It’s wise advice. But you’re the one paying the bill,” he said.
It sounded like a warning, so I moved my head back, putting a little space between us to think straight.
“What exactly is it that I’m staying away from?” I asked, “An upstanding citizen who drives women and their children home from the doctor and goes to war to fight for our country?”
“A man who has no capacity to know what’s right or wrong anymore. Someone who tears things apart”—he paused, and I could feel his warm breath flush against the apple of my cheek—“and doesn’t stay to put them back together.”
Kael’s fingers were warm when they caressed my chin, tilting my head to see his full face. His breathing slowed and the air between us became more serious. The stakes were growing with each second that passed.
“A man who’s a killer,” he whispered.
Adrenaline shot through me and I held his eyes. “I . . . I don’t know what to say to that.”
“You don’t have to say anything.” Kael’s eyes were on my lips as I nodded.
He kissed me the way I’ve only read about in poetry. I now understood what all the poets and writers complain about when they lose their love. This was that feeling they all chased, missed, remembered, would die for another chance to feel again. His lips opened and his tongue slid across mine. I would never forget this kiss, it was now a part of my DNA, the intensity of emotion, a rush unlike anything else I could explain. I wondered how anyone could possibly live after feeling this even once.
Kael’s hands lifted me up onto the counter and my legs opened and he stood between them. His hands gripped the tops of my thighs as he devoured me, body first, then mind. His ACU jacket was crunchy between us, but I could still feel his heart pounding as I put my hand on it, next to the pocket. The way his heart danced under my palm felt like he was playing a song made just for me. This connection with him, this consuming connection, was otherworldly. I had never desired to be this close to someone before, not even when I was a teenager and confused infatuation with love. Pages of all the romance novels I had read, every scene from the dozens of rom-coms, all flicked and fluttered in my mind. They finally made sense.
His hands were pressing against my back, holding me to his chest. My mouth and entire being were docile in his hands as they cupped my ass, my hips, my neck. Whoever he was and whether or not I ever found out wasn’t on my mind as I kissed him for the second, third, then the tenth time. He carried me to my room, never letting his mouth leave mine, and I used my foot to slam the door behind us. I ignored the little bell going off in my head, reminding me that I shouldn’t fall for this soldier. My body ached, begging me to give in to its desire, and as he landed us on my bed, I let my mind go mute and allowed myself to lose control for once in my life.
CHAPTER FIFTY-TWO
The heat and the sun woke me the next morning. Its brightness came with the dawn of a new way to begin my day, with someone else here. At first, I was confused when I woke up with Kael, his body running his usual insanely warm temperature. My little room was hot and steam filled the windows. My cheeks flushed with prickly heat, and I looked at him next to me. His eyes were closed, and his lips were ever-so-slightly parted. He was still in his pants and boxers; only his T-shirt and jacket were missing. He proved to be a gentleman who didn’t even try to sleep with me. I couldn’t decide if that was a chivalrous thing or an insult to my ego. Although we hadn’t slept together, it had been the best night of my life.
I was grateful for his eyes being closed, as I couldn’t stop smiling like a lovestruck idiot. I really was a goner. This was going to end horribly. He was so beautiful, thoughtful, gracious, kind, and brilliant, and all of that overpowered the horror of not having a future with him. People my age hooked up all the time; why was my brain acting like we had exchanged vows just because we’d shared the same bed?
Being greedy with our limited time, I used the tip of my finger to trace around his chin; the squareness of his jaw was an art form in itself. As I studied his face I noticed it was marked with little scars. Every one of them made me curious to know where it came from. The one above his eyebrow was deep, along with the one below his lip. I touched it gently; the skin was soft and puffy. Kael rumbled a little and turned his cheek, mumbling something about rocket ships.
Kael draped his arm around me, pinning me to the bed. There was something incredibly safe-feeling about being with him physically. I couldn’t understand it, but the world seemed so far from us, my walls felt ten feet thick, my house made from iron and stone, not brick and drywall. I wondered if I should wake him up. I didn’t know what time it was, but since I didn’t have to work today, I craved a few more minutes with him in the silence.
There were so many things I wanted to do, and they all involved Kael. I hoped Kael didn’t have another full day of appointments. I really, really didn’t want my dreamlike time with him to prematurely come to a screeching, lonely halt. I continued to stare at every feature of his face, his bare chest, the tattoo on his forearm, and the nearby deep scar in the perfect shape of a bullet hole. I shivered and hoped I was wrong about that one. Thinking of him hurt was overwhelming and scary. I tried to analyze how it could be possible to feel this connected to another person after such a short stretch of time. How did I live before this? How would I after it? It was going to be so much worse when he left now that he’d stayed the night with me.
There wasn’t a dull moment the entire night, and as our voices had quietly filled my room with our secrets, I finally realized how insanely rare it was to meet someone who understood me. When Kael opened his eyes, my endorphins rose and I smiled back at his sleepy, so, so swoony grin. He buried his face in my messy hair and groaned, pushing his body against mine. Did he want to kiss me again or was he hiding in embarrassment? My heart pounded as he lifted himself up and faced me.
