In Command, page 8
“Ra’mi has always been one of my favorite places,” Lorne said. “Not just for the food, but to be around the everyday Aunare who are living their lives. Being here helps keep everything in perspective. Otherwise, it can be easy to lose sight of the people that matter. Those we’re responsible for.”
Those we’re responsible for. That seemed like such a heavy statement as I looked out at the crowds—such a small percentage of our people—that I wasn’t even sure if I could process it.
Was I up for the job?
Would the Aunare let me stick around long enough to find out?
“Be honest—are you mad about the meeting today?” I asked him, even if I was a little scared of the answer.
Lorne looked down at me and studied me for a second as if to see if I was truly asking. “Of course I am.” He sounded a little confused about why I’d ask, but I had to know for sure.
I’d been worried about that, but I thought I’d have to pry the truth from him. I didn’t think he’d just tell me instantly that he was mad at me.
Unless he wasn’t mad at me. “Are you angry with how I did?” I needed to be sure. There was a lot that happened at the meeting.
“No. Amihanna.” Now he didn’t just sound confused. He sounded shocked that I’d thought it. “No. Never at you.”
I let go of the breath I’d been holding.
Lorne pressed his lips together as he thought, and then he nodded. “I wasn’t going to tell you, but I think you need to know that the High Council is… it’ll be a place for you to learn how to rule, and that’s it. You don’t need to censor yourself with them or worry if you lose your patience with them. Just be you and everything will fall as it should.”
“I did that this morning and it turned out great.” I laid on the sarcasm thick and gave him a forced smile.
He shrugged as if the disaster today was no big deal. “It was always going to be a rough start, but it’s a start. That’s the important thing.”
I wished I could feel that optimistic about it, but I was too much of a realist. I wasn’t sure he could promise me that the Aunare would ever accept me, and I couldn’t really promise to make them. That wasn’t how ruling worked, at least not in my experience. Because that’s exactly what SpaceTech did, and that wasn’t anything I wanted to emulate.
“I can feel you thinking, and that’s not what I want. At least not thinking about whatever you’re thinking right now.” Lorne stared down at me. “Is there anything about the meeting that’s worrying you in particular?”
I shook my head, but then I thought of something. “What did he say? In Aunare? Before you kicked—”
Lorne grew bright and he closed his eyes. “You can ask me a lot of things, and if you press me, I’ll answer. But I don’t want to answer that. Please don’t make me say it. Know that he said something awful about you, and I won’t hurt you by repeating his words.”
I reached up and cupped his cheek, tapping it a little so that he’d open his eyes. “I won’t—”
“Yes. You would, and you’d have every right to ask for his life once you knew. No one should ever say anything like that to you.”
Holy shit. Whatever that jerk had said must’ve been awful.
And now I really, really wanted to know. “Please tell me what—”
“You don’t want to know,” a voice said from behind me.
I looked to see who had spoken. Ashino, Lorne’s head guard, rarely ever spoke to me. That he had meant whatever was said, it had to have been truly terrible.
Okay. I had to know. I was going to make him tell me. “It’s not like this doesn’t concern me. It’s about me. I can’t have everyone know except for me. The meeting is mostly on the news, and I can—”
“No, you can’t. I made sure you’d never accidentally find out what was said.” The ferocity of Lorne’s voice took me by surprise. “I’m the High King. I have that power, and I used it today. ”
What? “How?”
“It’s why I left the meeting right after you did. My team tracked down the people who had access to the video. I made sure that what the former councilman said would never be aired, and then I made sure that everyone in the room knew the consequences of repeating what was said. Ever. Anyone who defies that order will answer to me.”
Oh my God. My mouth dropped open. I couldn’t imagine what that asshole could’ve said that would make Lorne go so far as to have it stricken from existence. It seemed convenient that the footage on the news started with me blocking the councilman, not before.
Now I wasn’t sure I wanted to know, but I absolutely needed to. I stared down at the floor to gather strength for knowing whatever would come next, and then I looked straight into Lorne’s gaze. “Can you at least tell me what it was about?”
Lorne pressed his lips together and shook his head.
“Please.”
Lorne’s shoulders hunched and he looked so defeated, but he spoke anyway. “It was about you and Jason Murtagh and that day in the diner.”
Oh.
My heart dropped, falling weightless to my feet, until it was smashed.
Oh.
Everyone in the ship was quiet, watching me, and I closed my eyes, shutting it out. Shutting out the memories and the horror and everything that haunted me. Everything that I’d already worked so hard to lock away today.
And then I realized something, and I turned, searching the room, until I saw him. “That’s why you got so mad. In the gym. That’s why you said…” I didn’t need to finish it.
Eshrin pressed his fist to his heart. “I am sorry for what I said, and doubly sorry that I upset you.” He bowed his head.
Oh.
I understood.
I understood why Lorne went to such lengths—and I appreciated it—but…
I squeezed my eyes tighter. “But you made it go away, and that makes it worse somehow. Like I’m trying to hide what happened, but I’m not. I’m not at all. I’m just trying to survive it and everything that happened after and before and I’m trying so hard to move on. I don’t understand how anyone could throw that in my face—”
I felt Lorne’s warmth as he wrapped his arms around me, pressing me so tight, too tight. Almost as if he thought he could staunch the wound in my soul if he held me tight enough.
And maybe he could. If anyone could, it was him.
After a moment, I took a breath, and said what was on my heart. “I’m not sure I’m fit to rule anyone, let alone the Aunare. Maybe the council is right. Maybe I’m too broken. Maybe I’m too hurt by SpaceTech to think rationally. And they’re definitely right about speaking Aunare. I can’t. I’ll never be able to. That just isn’t in the cards for me anymore.”
Lorne stepped back just enough to grip my shoulders and force me to look at him. “The council is wrong.” His words were angry. “You’re not too broken. You’ve endured so much and you’ve kept on fighting. Everyone with half a brain and a soul in their body is so proud of you and your strength. There is no one more capable of saving the Aunare and winning this war against SpaceTech than you. I truly believe that you were born for this.”
“I don’t know. I don’t know what I’m doing and—”
“And you’re learning. This is all new for you, and to think that you’d get everything exactly right and that everything would go perfectly on your first day is insanity. You’ll make mistakes, but to be perfectly clear—you didn’t make one today. Don’t let the council put those kinds of doubts in your mind. Remember that your station is above them. You don’t need them to approve of you. They don’t get to tell you who you are. Only you have that power. Don’t you dare hand it over to that group of lazy, arrogant imbeciles.”
I stared down at the floor and let his words sink in. Is that what I was doing? Did I let the High Council put doubts in my mind?
No. I didn’t think so. They were already there.
I looked up at him again and hoped he’d understand. “I guess I don’t really even know if I approve of me ruling. I think that’s the problem. I’m doing it—” I said that part quickly so that he wouldn’t freak out or cut me off. “—and I’ll do my best, but I feel a little bit like a fraud. I want to go into the kitchens and get my own food, and apparently that’s scandalous. And that’s just a small thing. I saw the news and it makes sense that it was—”
“I thought I told you to stop watching it,” he said it as if he were annoyed that I hadn’t listened to him, but it wasn’t that easy.
“I can’t—” He started to talk, but I placed my hand over his lips so that he’d listen to me. “I can’t stop watching the news. I have to know what they’re saying so that I know what I’m up against. The only way I can strategize is by knowing. But honestly, it’s not as bad as before…” I lowered my hand because I knew he was going to respond to what I said next. I didn’t want to say it, but I felt like I had to put it out there. “I just don’t think the Aunare want me as their queen, and if that’s what everyone thinks, then maybe I shouldn’t be.”
“They don’t know what they need. They don’t know you, and they can’t make that call. I do.” He ran his fingers through my hair and then brushed a soft kiss against my lips. “You’re going to be an amazing queen—I know it in my heart, in my soul, and I know it because I see your fao’ana and I have faith in them, in you, and in our culture to know that those fao’ana are true.”
Maybe he had a point there.
“It’s not just me wanting something from you. This is about you becoming who you truly were meant to be. If Liberation Week hadn’t happened, no one would be questioning this. Not even a little bit. Not even you.” He sighed. “But hiding on the estate hasn’t been doing you any good. Not really. They used to know you, but they don’t know you anymore. They’ve forgotten how excited they were when your fao’ana first appeared, and the Aunare were behind us getting married and being co-rulers when we were betrothed. They will be happy again.”
“They were?” Because that seemed like the opposite of how they were now.
“They were overjoyed with us ruling together. Everyone agreed. This fear of you—this distrust of you becoming queen—is fear of the unknown in who you might have become. It’s made worse by a fear of war and the danger that comes with being at war. So, tonight our job is to enjoy some time being us in front of our people. We’re going to forget all the things that happened today and just have a nice, normal date where we talk about nice, normal things. I’d like to show them how you are when you’re relaxed and having fun. They’ve seen angry Amihanna in the arena. They’ve seen you fighting for them—protecting them—in Ta’shena. Now, let them see you. The you that I know.”
He was right. I never let anyone see me. That was the problem. Hiding who I was had become ingrained by necessity. On Earth, I needed to disappear into my hoodie and hope that it would keep anyone from looking too hard at me. Maybe that’s why I’d never been on a date. Haden and I only hung out in places with the Crew or at his place. I never took him to the apartment I shared with my mom. The few times that Roan dragged me to Starlight, I kept the hoodie up. I never relaxed. Not even once.
Going from one extreme to another was unsettling. If that was the problem, I’d just have to try harder to relax. It would probably even be good for me.
The look on his face made me feel too exposed. There was a sadness in his eyes and some guilt that didn’t belong there.
I’d lived. I was proud of that, even if I was still a little broken by my past. But I didn’t regret the choices that I’d made or who I’d become because of my experiences.
I hadn’t always liked myself, but I did now.
Whoever I was becoming—queen or not—was going to be a stronger, better version of myself.
Because I was a di Aetes.
I wouldn’t give up. Not ever. I would fight. For my people. Earther and Aunare. Because I was both.
That was what I needed to remember. That was the kind of queen I wanted to become. The halfer High Queen.
That thought made me smile. It had a certain ring to it.
The halfer High Queen.
Chapter Nine
AMIHANNA
A few of the guards went out to scope the market.
I hated this part. I hated that my guards were risking their lives for me, and I hated waiting here, doing nothing, while they searched for threats. I just wanted to get off this ship quickly before I chickened out. It wasn’t like anyone knew we were coming to Ra’mi today, but the guards were doing their job to make sure we were safe.
A few more guards left the ship. And then a few more.
Ashino—Lorne’s head guard—came back and motioned us forward. “The ship will stay here with a few guards. The rest of us will go with you. Your majesty, people saw me and the rest of the team, and they know what that means. Everyone moved to gather on the top floor of the market. If you want to wait a little bit, we can try to disperse the crowd. Or if you’d prefer—”
“That’s all right, Ashino,” Lorne said. “Do what you can to secure a path and I’ll take care of the rest.”
Ashino pressed his fist to his heart and bowed his head briefly. “Of course, your majesty. If you could give me a moment to start clearing the path before exiting the ship, that would be appreciated. I will do my best to have it ready when you come out.” Ashino quickly pressed his fist to his heart again, and then rushed back down the ramp.
“Is this too much of a problem? Should we leave?” I really, really wanted to see Ra’mi in person and walk on those crazy light floors, but I didn’t want to face a crowd, especially since I wasn’t sure what they were going to do when they saw me. This could easily get very ugly, very quickly, but it seemed like I was the only one worried about it.
“It’ll be okay,” Lorne gripped my hand and tugged me down the ramp. “I promise. I’ve dealt with situations like this my whole life. You did, too. Before—” He gave me a tight smile and left off the obvious bit. Before I’d been stuck on Earth. Before I’d lost all my memories. Before everything had gone so horribly wrong. “It’ll come back to you.”
I wasn’t sure about that. I still didn’t like people watching me. I was doing better—much, much better—but I still had issues that came from hiding for so long.
And yet, I couldn’t let something stupid like fear stop me. So, I gripped his hand a little tighter and kept pace with Lorne as we walked down the ramp. If he wasn’t worried about this crowd turning into a mob, then I had to trust him.
We stepped onto the roof and our guards surrounded us. Some in front, some behind, and some covering left and right. There were too many people blocking the way for me to tell where the roof ended and the light platform began, but I could see a little beyond the guards to the crowd waiting for us.
Ashino wasn’t joking. The people who had been milling about, buying food, hanging with their friends and family, had formed into a waiting wall. I couldn’t even see the market behind them, and I wasn’t convinced we could get through them. Ashino mentioned making a path, but there wasn’t a path to be made.
I glanced behind me, and Eshrin was there. He raised a brow in question, as if to ask—did I want to go back?
It was his job to make sure I was comfortable in my surroundings, not just for my safety, but also to help me maintain firm control of my power. We’d talked about my comfort level around people so that he could help me stay comfortable.
I shook my head. Not yet, I mouthed to him. I was fine, for now.
He pressed his fist to his heart, and I knew that if I changed my mind, he’d get me back to the ship quickly.
Lorne gripped my hand, and I looked up at him.
“We can leave,” he said the words, but the frown and the small crease between his brows told me that he would be disappointed if we left.
“But you don’t want to.”
He shook his head. “It’ll be better for us if we stay, but I know this first time being out among our people won’t be easy.”
That was true for sure. I don’t think he knew exactly why I was afraid of the crowd, but it was better that he didn’t. I wasn’t about to tell him how quickly a crowd could turn into a murderous mob. I’d been there. I’d seen it. And I never, ever wanted to be stuck hiding for my life again.
But knowing why I was afraid would only upset him more, and he’d probably take me straight home. That was the worst thing he could do for me right now. This fear of mobs was a demon I needed to face, especially if this was what was standing in the way of the Aunare accepting me as their queen. I’d made a promise to Lorne to get the Aunare to accept me, and I wasn’t going to break it. Especially because of something as stupid as fear.
As we got closer, the crowd stopped their chattering and started humming.
I froze. The Aunare loved sound. They used it to heal their minds and bodies, to change how they felt, and a bunch of other things that seemed more fiction than reality. But it worked. That was how I could explode things—melon, man, spaceship. It was all because of the frequencies I could harness. That was my power. My ability. That’s what made me dangerous and why I couldn’t lose control. I could blow up this whole place if I got upset enough.
But their humming still felt a little weird to me. It wasn’t as loud as an angry crowd would be, and I took that to be a good thing. What did it mean exactly?
We walked until there wasn’t enough room for us to go any farther. The crowd kept up their humming, and my skin started to glow.
Ice it. I hated when it did that in public.
“What do we do now?” I said in Lorne’s ear.
“We’ll say something, and then we’ll have our date.”
The guards shifted so that he could step in front of them, and he started to move forward, closer to the crowd.
I gripped his arm, stopping him.
Was he crazy? He couldn’t walk into the crowd. Anyone could be in there. Someone could hurt—
