Once Upon a Temptingly Ruinous Kiss: #2 The Whickertons in Love, page 19
Leonora wrung her hands before she inhaled a deep breath and then looked up at him, courage sparking in her eyes. “Not quite. I have a number of theories, but I still need to…test them.” She glanced down at her hands. “I was wondering if you would help me?”
Again, Drake found himself surprised. Although her whole demeanor spoke of a woman in retreat, it seemed that she had come here this day to ask for his help. “Of course. Anything you need.”
A smile flitted over her face, and yet, she still seemed as nervous as she had when she had stepped across the threshold to his study. “The other day,” she began, her voice barely more than a whisper, “Lord Sedgwick called on me. We took a stroll together through the gardens, and he spoke kindly.” She glanced up at him, and Drake could see new tension come to her posture, her hands gripping one another tightly. “I felt quite at ease. Then, however…” Her eyes closed, and she inhaled deeply, her chest rising and falling. Once. Twice. “He tried to kiss me,” she suddenly blurted out, and her eyes flew open, finding his unerringly. “I froze.” She shook her head, and a look of deepest disappointment and shame came to her eyes. “I froze. I could not move. I could not do anything. I simply stood there and stared at him. If my sister had not come…” Although her voice trailed off, they both knew what she was trying to say.
Drake swallowed but found it hard to get past the lump in his throat. “Fear can be crippling,” he told her, needing her to know that she had nothing to be ashamed of. “It is always different to imagine a situation than to experience it firsthand.”
Leonora nodded, and he could see that rationally she agreed with him. Nonetheless, her heart felt weakened. “I was thinking that perhaps it would help if…” Her teeth sank into her lower lip, and she averted her gaze once more. Whatever she was about to say clearly made her deeply uncomfortable.
“Whatever it is, say it,” Drake encouraged her. “I will do what I can to assist you.”
A small smile came to her face. “Thank you. I had hoped you would say that.” Still, she once more wrung her hands, then took a careful step forward. “My…My first kiss was stolen from me,” she whispered, her eyelashes fluttering rapidly as though she did not quite dare look at him, “and when Lord Sedgwick drew near, I felt…as I did then. I did not wish to kiss him, but…he did not…” She swallowed. “Perhaps he truly was not aware of my reluctance. I do not wish to judge him too harshly. Lately, I feel as though I cannot trust even myself the way I used to.”
Drake was about to contradict her, urging her to trust her own instincts. Yet, he remained quiet, sensing that it was not the time, that there was more she needed to say.
“What happened with Lord Sedgwick made me fearful,” she whispered, and for a brief moment, her eyes closed. “I’m afraid that a kiss will always and forever be something to fear.” Looking into his eyes, she shook her head. “I don’t want that. I want…I want to know what a kiss feels like that is freely given.”
Drake nodded. “Of course.” Then, however, he felt a slight frown slowly descend upon his forehead as he regarded her. “A kiss freely given?” A tantalizing shiver danced down his spine as a suspicion began to form in his mind.
Leonora nodded, and a shuddering breath left her lips. “Yes.” She swallowed hard, then met his eyes. “I trust you. I trust you as I trust no one else. You know…what happened. You will understand should I freeze. You won’t…” Her voice trailed off, a hint of crimson coming to her cheeks as she peeked up at him through lowered lashes.
Never before had Drake seen her like this. “You’re…You’re asking me to…kiss you?” Drake asked, wondering if he might be misunderstanding her.
Swallowing, she nodded. “If you…If you don’t mind.” Something hesitant, but equally determined rested in her gaze.
“Are you certain?” Drake asked, unsure how he wanted her to respond.
Again, Leonora nodded. “Do you mind?”
Yes! No!
Torn, Drake stared at her, not knowing how to reply. The thought of kissing her was deeply appealing. Yet, he wondered if he possessed the self-control needed to only give her a peck of a kiss. More would no doubt frighten her even more. What if he crossed yet another line? “Do you think it wise?” he asked, stalling for time. “I have no wish to frighten you.”
Her cheeks seemed to burn in an even deeper shade of red, and he could see that asking him for a kiss had taken a lot of courage. “I’m sorry if my request made you uncomfortable. Of course, if you do not—”
“It is not that,” Drake hastened to assure her. Without thought, he stepped closer, his eyes seeking hers, needing to know how certain she was of this. “Do you know what you’re asking?”
Her chin rose with each step he took toward her, her eyes holding his. “I thought about it endlessly,” she finally said when no more than an arm’s length separated them, “and I remembered how I have come to feel in your presence. Yes, at first, I could barely bring myself to look at you. Do you remember? That first day we met?”
Looking down at her, Drake nodded.
“Since then, a lot has changed.” A brave smile flitted across her face. “You’ve taught me much, and I faced challenges I never thought possible. I have come to feel more comfortable around others. Though not as comfortable as around you.”
Drake inhaled a slow breath, allowing himself to feel her words washing over him. “You believe my…kiss would not make you feel thus? Frightened? Reluctant?”
Leonora nodded. “I do.”
Those two simple words conjured memories of their training sessions. Drake could almost feel her in his arms, his hands wrapped around her wrists, holding her tightly. He could feel her heartbeat and her breath, the warmth of her body and the courage and fear that warred within her.
“Do you believe you would have felt differently if you had come to trust Sedgwick first? If you could have been certain he would cease should you experience doubt?” Drake inquired, wondering about the exact nature of her theory. “Is that why you’re asking me to kiss you?”
“It is a reasonable conclusion, is it not?” Leonora replied, her eyes straying from his, and Drake could not help but think that she was not being completely honest. “Will you help me then?” she asked, looking up at him once more.
Drake hesitated, still uncertain. Yet, a moment later, he felt his own head bob up and down, agreeing to her request. “What did Sedgwick do?” His teeth gritted together at the memory. Although he had not seen anything through the thick hedge, he remembered well the words the young lord had spoken as well as the images that had formed in Drake’s mind.
A dark shadow fell over Leonora’s face. “He…he moved toward me, his hands reaching for my arms. He pulled me closer, and his gaze…” Her eyes closed briefly before she forced them open once more, willing herself to look up into his. “His gaze dropped to my lips.” Absentmindedly, her right hand rose, and the tips of her fingers brushed against her lower lip.
Drake gritted his teeth, finding himself tormented by the memory as well as tempted by the woman in front of him. “And then your sister appeared?”
Leonora nodded. “I don’t know what would’ve happened if she had not. I keep wondering if perhaps at a later moment, the threat of his kiss would’ve been too overwhelming for me to ignore. Perhaps I would have found the strength to react. I don’t know. Still, I’m afraid that I would have let him. I don’t know why I would. I know I did not want his kiss.” She shook her head, something helpless in her eyes as she looked at him. “I don’t understand, and…I hate it. I hate not knowing.” Her jaw tightened, and she swallowed. “I need to know. I need to be better prepared.”
Drake nodded, understanding very well how deeply that feeling of powerlessness could wound a soul. “Very well,” he said, uncertain how to begin. Was he simply to reach for her? Pull her close? No, he needed to give her time to react. He needed to move slowly and give her the chance to feel every moment, to feel her fear rise, to feel that sense of paralysis settle over her. Only if she felt it through and through, would she later be able to respond as well.
To defend herself if needed.
“If you change your mind,” Drake told her, holding her gaze to know that she heard him, “if you want me to stop, all you need to do is say so.” His brows rose as he waited for her acknowledgment of his words.
“I know,” Leonora whispered, her breath quickening as she forced herself not to back away.
Drake nodded, then slowly closed the remaining distance between them until the tips of his boots brushed against the hem of her skirts. He watched her chest rise and fall with each breath, her eyes darting from his face before returning again and again. There was uncertainty in her gaze, and yet, at the same time a sense of determination which kept her rooted to the spot.
Slowly, carefully, Drake extended his arms, his hands reaching out to clasp her upper arms. He watched her watching him and wondered if she would change her mind.
If she would lift her hands in defense.
If she would push him away from her.
And then Drake’s hands closed over her upper arms, and he could feel a shiver go through her. Surprisingly, her gaze was suddenly fixed on his. The pulse in her neck hammered wildly, but her breathing seemed to have calmed a bit. Drake wished he knew how she felt in that moment. Terrified? Powerless?
Or perhaps curious?
Tempted even?
He pulled her closer, and she came willingly, no tension in her arms and shoulders. There was no resistance. She did not fight him or struggle. As he pulled her toward him, ever closer, she came.
A kiss freely given.
Her words echoed in his mind, and he wondered if she had put her request to him simply because she was lacking another option or because a part of her truly wanted him to kiss her. Drake could not know, and yet, he needed to, realizing that he did not wish to kiss her if she had to force herself to endure it. If only he could be certain that she would stop him. What if that paralysis fell over her again?
As it had with Sedgwick.
What if she only wanted it to be different with him?
Drake gritted his teeth, worried that she might be completely unable to react, to voice her reluctance. “Stop me,” he whispered, encouraging her, reminding her of what she needed to do should she wish to. “I have no right to kiss you against your will, and you have every right to defend yourself against me.”
“I know,” she whispered in response to his words, and Drake exhaled the breath he had been holding, relieved that her mind was not frozen but able to respond.
Her mouth was no more than a hair’s breath away. He could feel her warm breath against his lips and knew that she could feel him as well. “Fight me, Leo,” he whispered against her lips. It was not what he wanted to say, but it was what she needed to hear.
What she needed to do…should she wish to.
Drake prayed she would not, yet, deep down, he had not anticipated her allowing him so close. He had not expected that he would feel the way he did.
Overwhelmed.
Tempted.
Lost…
…in the moment.
…in her.
A kiss freely given.
Was it possible that a part of her truly felt comfortable kissing him? That a part of her perhaps even wanted to? The thought warmed Drake’s heart and urged him closer still, making him realize how desperately he wanted to kiss her.
How desperately he wanted her to want him to kiss her.
Looking down at her, Drake saw her eyes flutter closed…and then she lifted her chin another fraction and her lips brushed against his.
It was no more than a fleeting touch, and yet, it shot through Drake like a bolt of lightning, erasing everything aside from the desire to feel her in his arms.
Every doubt and hesitation fell from him. He forgot about duty and responsibility. That voice that whispered in his head about right and wrong, always urging him to hold back and show consideration, was suddenly silent. Instead, his pulse thudded in his veins, all but propelling him forward.
Without thought, Drake dipped his head, touching his lips to hers once more. Again, it was only a fleeting touch. Only this time, it was his…and she did not pull away. It was as though she was leaning closer. Was he imagining it?
And then a soft sigh escaped her lips, and the touch of his lips against hers was suddenly no longer fleeting.
His hands pulled her closer as he kissed her, truly kissed her. His lips moved against hers, gently, tenderly. He felt her breath, warm and sweet, and he sank into their kiss as much as he dared. There was still caution within him. He was not mindless, of course. The fear of hurting her, frightening her, pulsed in his blood despite the longing he felt.
“Leo,” he whispered before his lips brushed against hers again. His hands moved, one slinking around to settle upon her back while the other trailed upward. The tips of his fingers brushed against the delicate skin upon her neck, and he felt her shiver. Yet, her lips seemed to move against his. Was he imagining it? Had he completely lost his mind? She couldn’t possibly be—!
Her hands settled upon his middle, and he could feel her warmth even through the layers of fabric separating them. She leaned closer, and this time, Drake was certain that she was kissing him back.
His left hand trailed further upward, brushing along the side of her neck, his thumb skimming over her cheek. He felt the softness of her hair tease his skin before the tips of his fingers brushed upward along the back of her neck until his hand cupped her head, holding her to him. He knew he should not, afraid it would make her feel trapped. Still, he wanted her closer, wrapped in his arms.
For now.
Forever.
That thought unsettled him deeply, and all of a sudden, Drake jerked backward. They all but flew apart, eyes wide, breaths coming fast as they stared at one another. Shock stood upon her face, and Drake cursed himself for losing control, for doing what he wanted and not what she needed. “I’m sorry,” he stammered, trying to regain his composure. “I shouldn’t have. I—”
As he stepped toward her, Leonora backed away. Her eyes were still wide, something vulnerable in them. She looked at him as though she had never seen him before. Something he could not understand flashed in her eyes and lingered upon her face. Had he truly frightened her? Drake could not be certain. He wished he knew what was going through her head in that moment.
“Thank you,” Leonora murmured, a touch of disbelief in her eyes as they swept over him as though trying to discern if their kiss had truly happened or if perhaps it had been nothing more than her imagination. “Thank you.” She briefly dipped her head, her gaze falling from his, before she took a step back. “I need to go.” She cast him a shy smile and then turned and reached for the cloak he had draped over the backrest of a chair.
For a long moment, Leonora simply stood there, at the door, looking at him, an odd look in her eyes he could not quite understand. Then she smiled at him once more, turned on her heel and hurried down the hall.
Closing his eyes, Drake sat down on the edge of his desk, unable to move. A part of him wanted to go after her, urge her to stay, but he did not. Perhaps they both needed a moment apart after their kiss, a chance to regain their composure.
Drake tensed. Did she perhaps regret what happened? Had his kiss frightened her after all? Yet, she had not seemed upset when she had left, had she? She had seemed strangely thoughtful, but not frightened of him.
Not fearful.
He had seen no regret or dismay in her eyes. Still, questions remained, and Drake knew that they would keep him busy for the days to come. He would be unable to think of anything but her. But was that any different from the way it was now? Was he not already thinking of her and her alone? Day and night?
It was an unsettling thought; to be so dependent upon another person. Drake had not seen it coming. However, if only she would feel the same about him, he would not mind at all.
Not at all.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
A Message
Leonora barely felt the branches tugging on her hair and cloak as she hastened through the gap in the hedge. Her feet moved quickly, and her eyes were turned inward. That she did not trip and fall was a miracle.
Only when she reached the terrace doors did Leonora look around, her eyes searching for anyone nearby. She paused and listened and then slipped inside when no sounds could be heard. She forced her mind to focus, knowing that running into one of her sisters or worse her grandmother would not serve her now. Her mind was far too frazzled to concentrate, to formulate any kind of reasonable explanation for her current state of mind. Leonora had no doubt that all those raging emotions were written only too clearly upon her face.
Fortunately, she made it up the winding staircase and down the hallway to her chamber without encountering a soul. Closing the door behind her, Leonora leaned back, resting her back against it and closed her eyes. Her breath still came fast, and her lips still tingled from their kiss.
For a long while, Leonora simply stood there, remembering the moments she had shared with Drake. Indeed, she had lied to him. She had not merely wanted a kiss freely given. No, from the moment she had stepped through the hedge, Leonora had known what she had wanted. What she had wanted had been a kiss.
From him.
After the way every fiber of her being had reacted to Lord Sedgwick pulling her closer, she had needed to know if she would feel different if it were another. If it were Drake. He had touched her before, drawn closer, and it had not frightened her. She had not felt repulsed. Instead, she had come to cherish these moments.
And now, he had kissed her.
A deep smile came to Leonora’s face, and despite her confusion, she could not help but sigh.
Removing her cloak, she simply dropped it on the floor, then sank into her favorite armchair by the window. She pulled a pillow onto her lap and hugged it to her chest as her gaze wandered to the gardens below. She did not see them though, for her mind was focused elsewhere.
