Once Upon a Temptingly Ruinous Kiss: #2 The Whickertons in Love, page 14
“So, how often do you visit Lord Pemberton?” Louisa asked without preamble.
Completely caught off-guard, Leonora’s feet pulled to a halt and her head spun around to stare at her sister.
Louisa laughed. “I sent Phineas to tease some information out of Lord Pemberton at last night’s ball. It would seem, despite his usual tight-lippiness, he was most forthcoming.”
“What did he tell him?” Leonora gasped, surprised that he would share their secrets with Phineas. He always seemed so concerned that anyone might find out.
Louisa frowned. “Are you upset that he said something?”
Leonora did not know what to think. She merely shrugged, trying to sort through her thoughts.
“Well?” Louisa prompted. “Do you go to see him whenever Grandma Edie pretends you are somewhere in the house, that she just saw you but doesn’t know where you went?”
Sighing, Leonora nodded. “Yes, I go to see him a couple of afternoons a week.”
“And…is he truly teaching you how to fight?”
Leonora’s mouth dropped open. “He told Phineas that?”
Louisa waved her sister’s surprise away. “Oh, don’t be upset with him. After all, he knew that we knew that something was going on with the two of you.”
Leonora frowned. “Since when do you defend him? I always thought that you somehow…disliked him.”
Turning back down the path, the two sisters walked ahead. “I didn’t dislike him,” Louisa corrected. “I simply did not know if I could trust him. He always seemed so sinister.” She shrugged her shoulders. “However, after everything Phineas has told me about him, I suppose I misjudged him.” She stopped once more and turned to look at Leonora. “He seems truly concerned for you.”
Leonora sighed, unable to hide a smile as she thought of Lord Pemberton and everything he had done for her. “He is a most honorable man. I…I owe him everything.”
“You do seem much changed,” Louisa observed thoughtfully. “More confident. Is that because of him? Because of what he teaches you?”
Leonora nodded. “He made me realize that I cannot hide from the world forever, that I don’t even want to. Still, I cannot help but be nervous around others, around men.” She remembered daring herself to accept Lord Sedgwick’s invitation to dance the night before. It had been the hardest thing she had ever done. Her nerves had almost overwhelmed her, and more than once, she had felt like bolting from the dance floor. Nevertheless, a calm and quiet voice had continued to whisper in her ear, and that voice had sounded suspiciously like Lord Pemberton’s. It had reassured her, encouraged her and, in the end, she had succeeded.
“I was surprised to see you dance with Lord Sedgwick,” Louisa remarked, her green eyes watchful. “You did not seem to be enjoying yourself.”
Leonora heaved a deep sigh. “I know I cannot hide from the world, yet when I try to mingle, I cannot help but feel ill at ease.” She met her sister’s eyes. “No, I did not enjoy myself. I wish I knew why. He’s a perfectly amiable gentleman.”
“And he seems to truly like you,” Louisa added as she gently squeezed Leonora’s hand. “Do you care for him?”
Leonora shrugged. “I do not know. He’s a kind man, but whenever he approaches, I…I simply wish he wouldn’t.”
“What about Lord Pemberton?” Louisa inquired, her gaze thoughtful. “Does he make you feel ill at ease? After all, you go to visit him at home, all by yourself and without a chaperone.” Leonora opened her mouth to defend her decision, but Louisa lifted a hand to stop her. “I’m not criticizing what you’re doing. I know that society would condemn you, but I’m your sister and I care more about your well-being than about upholding anyone’s reputation. Believe me, if he is truly helping you, I have no objections. All I meant to say was that when you visit him, you are alone with him. Does that not make you ill at ease?”
Leonora frowned, trying her best to recall all the many moments she had shared with Lord Pemberton. “It did in the beginning, but never as much as with other gentlemen. Something was different from the start.”
Louisa nodded knowingly. “I could tell that something was different between the two of you the moment I returned outside at the house party. I was so worried that I left you alone with him when I raced off because of Phineas’ foolish remark. But then when I returned and I saw your face, I knew that he did not frighten you, at least not the way others did. Do you know why?”
Leonora heaved a deep sigh. “I’m not certain. Believe me, I have wracked my mind trying to make sense of everything. Why him? The answer is, I don’t know. I wish I did, but I don’t. I suppose, we never do get all the answers we seek. Some questions we simply have to carry with us and find a way to be content without their answers.”
The sisters continue down the path, enjoying the warm rays of the sun as much as the time they spent with one another. It had become rarer as of late, and both cherished this moment. “I’m relieved you’re telling me all this,” Louisa said, offering her sister a warm smile. “I know this is hard for you, and I’m grateful you’re sharing your thoughts with me. Please know that no matter what you’re going through, I will always be here for you.”
Leonora stopped and turned to her sister, pulling her into a deep hug. “I know, dearest. Thank you so much for everything.” She stood back, relieved to be able to speak to one of her family with utter honesty.
Louisa squeezed her hands affectionately. “If there’s ever anything I can do, all you need to do is ask. I hope you know that. I only want to see you happy again. I want to hear your usual confusing babble about some scientific theory or another.” Louisa laughed. “I want to see you smile and enjoy yourself and be at peace. And one day, perhaps, I want to see you happily married with a family of your own. I want all that for you.”
Louisa’s words, which meant to express affection and loyalty, gave Leonora pause. Indeed, ever since the night of the masquerade, she had found herself wondering about her future. Never had she thought much about marriage and family. She had always been too preoccupied with her interests, her passion. Yet, after what happened, she now found herself wondering if she would ever be able to marry. After all, a mere dance with Lord Sedgwick had nearly made her flee his presence. “I’m not certain I’ll ever be able to marry.”
Louisa sighed, casting her sister an encouraging smile. “Give yourself time. Be patient. One day, you might not feel as you do now.”
Leonora nodded, wishing her sister could be right. Still, doubt remained. “Perhaps. Perhaps not.” Her thoughts moved to moments she had observed between Louisa and her new husband, and she turned curious eyes to her sister. “You do not mind when Phineas comes close, when he pulls you into his arms, do you?”
Louisa frowned, the hint of a smile upon her lips. “Of course not. Why do you ask?”
Leonora turned her head and allowed her eyes to sweep over Hyde Park, over the many couples promenading here and there in the early spring sun. She saw affection and smiles and people at peace with themselves and each other. “Before, I never much thought about the closeness between a husband and wife,” Leonora mumbled more to herself than to her sister. “Now, it seems like an insurmountable obstacle.” She looked back at her sister, wondering what it felt like to feel completely at ease in a man’s company. “There are certain intimacies shared between husband and wife that I don’t believe I’ll ever feel comfortable with.”
Louisa’s kind eyes looked into hers, and Leonora could see her own pain reflected back at her. Indeed, her sister had found utter happiness and knew to consider herself fortunate. She knew what it was that Leonora was missing out on. Leonora could see it in her eyes. “You might feel that way now,” Louisa counseled gently, “but one day, you will feel differently.”
Leonora heaved a deep sigh. “You cannot know that. All I know is how I feel now, and it is not promising.”
Louisa grasped her hands. “Perhaps you simply have to give this a try. For months, you have kept yourself locked away. Of course, it takes time to reacquaint yourself with those around you, with normal interactions. You danced with Lord Sedgwick, and although it might have been far from easy, you managed at least. Perhaps you need to consider this a first step and prepare yourself to take others. Over time, they may lead you to your own happiness.”
Leonora looked at her sister with curious eyes. “I’ve never heard you speak in such a rational manner,” she chuckled, deeply affected by her sister’s thoughtfulness. She knew that Louisa never liked considering things in too detailed a manner. “Are you truly suggesting an experiment?”
Louisa frowned. “An experiment? No, I merely believe that you need to mingle, have conversations, dance and see how you feel about these kinds of interactions. Perhaps over time, you will start to feel better.”
A deeply affectionate laugh burst from Leonora’s lips. “It might shock you, dear sister, but what you are describing is in its essence an experiment. You have a theory, which states that with time and practice my response to the opposite sex will change. Furthermore, you propose that I observe my responses closely in order to gauge whether or not certain interactions can be considered pleasant and might ultimately affect how I feel about intimacies common in a marriage. Is that not so?”
To Leonora’s great amusement, Louisa’s face bore an utterly bewildered and deeply shocked expression. Then she blinked and swallowed, clearly trying to settle her thoughts. “Quite frankly, Leo, I never thought the day would ever come that you and I would discuss anything remotely scientific. That in itself should prove to you that nothing is impossible.” A deep smile came to her face, and she squeezed Leonora’s hands gently. “You might not feel like it now, but you will heal. You will be yourself again if you find the right man for you. In my experience, it doesn’t matter how people make you feel as long as you have someone by your side who makes you come alive with a single look. That, dear sister, is priceless.”
Warmed by her sister’s words, Leonora nodded, suddenly feeling far from defeated. “You love him very much, do you not?”
As though someone had switched on a light, Louisa’s face began to glow in a way Leonora had never seen before, only ever when her sister gazed upon her husband. “He is a nuisance, that is for sure,” Louisa laughed, “but he is my nuisance. He understands me as no one else can. We can bicker with each other all day, and still fall into each other’s arms at night. He is always there when I need him, and although he might not always see things the way I do, he respects me for who I am.” She inhaled a deep breath of the clear spring air. “Believe me, Leo, we will find such a man for you, someone who is your perfect match in every way. Don’t concern yourself with anyone who makes you feel any less than that but hold out for that one person who can all but read your thoughts, who does not hesitate to stand by your side, who thinks about you every moment you’re not with him.”
Louisa’s words painted a most beautiful image, and Leonora could not help but feel the joy of such affection. Yes, she wanted such a man for herself, and in that moment, she did dare believe that it was possible. She had to give herself time, but eventually, one day, she might all but stumble upon the very man who was meant for her. Just like Louisa and Phineas had been meant for each other. They too had faced obstacles, and yet, they still had found their way to each other.
Leonora hoped with every fiber of her being that one day she would find herself equally happy.
Chapter Nineteen
Breaking Free
“I saw you dance with Lord Sedgwick the other night,” Drake remarked after offering Lady Leonora a glass of lemonade. “I admit, I was surprised you did not refuse him.” Surprised might not have been the perfect word to describe his emotions in that moment. Indeed, what he had felt had been something dark and deeply infuriating.
Gazing out the window of his study, Lady Leonora sighed. “It surprised me as well,” she admitted, then turned to look at him. “I knew I needed to try though. If I ever want to find a husband, I need to push myself into once more mingling with potential suitors.” She heaved a deep sigh. “My sister helped me realize that life will not always be as it is now. It is not stagnant. It is not something fixed in place. It changes, and one day, it might change into something more for me.”
Handing her the glass of lemonade, Drake watched her closely. “You hope to marry?”
“Of course.” She took a sip from her glass. “Does that surprise you? Is marriage not what all young ladies are raised to achieve? I know, my parents are quite unusual when it comes to finding suitable matches for their daughters. In fact, they’ve always urged us to follow our hearts because happiness cannot be found in any other way.”
Drake found their current topic of discussion to be rather unsettling. “It is a wise thought,” he admitted, wondering what life would be like if marriage were based on love instead of other criteria. Would people be happier? “And so, you hope to find a love match?”
Lady Leonora smiled at him, a wistful look coming to her eyes. “I see how happy my parents are, how happy my sister is now. I admit, I never much thought about marriage. I was always too distracted, too preoccupied with other matters. Now, however, I cannot help but wonder what the future holds in store for me on that account. However, whatever it is, I believe I will only be able to reach for it if I push myself back into situations that make me uncomfortable. How else am I ever going to get used to them?”
Drake felt his teeth grit together as he recalled two particular gentlemen. “Would you consider Sedgwick and Gillingham potential candidates?”
Leonora shrugged. “I hardly know. They are both amiable and respectful and possess a mild temperament and impeccable manners. They seem kind and devoted.” The expression upon her face fell.
Drake frowned. “You don’t seem pleased with your assessment.”
Lady Leonora shrugged. “There is no rational reason why I should not be happy with either one of them. Nevertheless, the fact remains that I need to force myself to endure their company.” Her eyes looked up into his, a plea in them as though he had the power to change the world for her. “What am I to do?”
Drake did not know what to tell her. He could not seem to bring himself to utter words that would encourage her to further her acquaintance with these gentlemen. “You continue what you do now,” he finally said, offering her an encouraging nod. “You do what you can until you find yourself no longer reliving…that moment.” He took a step back, almost desperate to change the topic. “Would you like to begin?”
A determined smile came to her features. “I would, yes.” She set down her glass and stepped forward to face him.
The moment they fell into their usual routine, Drake began to feel more comfortable. It was as though the rest of the world fell away, and they were the only two people, locked in his study, living in a world all their own. Her attention was solely focused on him while his was solely focused on her. Nothing and no one else existed, and Drake had to admit that he enjoyed these moments.
Lady Leonora no longer seemed to fear him. Yes, she had even spoken of trusting him. Yet, she had said so from the beginning. Now, however, her eyes no longer widened when he approached. The tremor that had often held her in its grip no longer reared its ugly head. She seemed all but at ease around him, and even when he moved forward to touch her, she did not flinch. Drake did not know what that meant, and he did not dare ask. He was not entirely certain that she was aware of that change in their relationship and her reaction to him.
“Would you like me to show you another way to free yourself should someone grab you, Lady Leonora?” Drake asked, curious to see her response.
Instead of answering, she paused, a slight frown coming to her face as she looked at him in a contemplative manner.
“Is something wrong?” Drake asked, worried that he had pushed her too far. Only she had been so eager this last week, eager to learn more.
Lady Leonora shook her head, a tentative smile playing upon her lips. “No, nothing is wrong. I was merely thinking that…” She broke off, and her eyes moved to settle upon his.
“That what?”
For a moment, she dropped her gaze and inhaled a deep breath. “Well, considering the circumstances of our acquaintance, it just struck me as odd that you continue to address me so formally. I was wondering if you would consider simply calling me Leonora.” A bit of a sheepish smile came to her face as though she feared that he would refuse her request.
Drake knew that he should not. From the very beginning, their interaction had been far outside anything society would deem appropriate. Drake had been unable to prevent it though. The first time she had sneaked over to see him, he had tried to send her back home, but failed. Somehow, he could not bring himself to deny her anything. “Very well,” he finally replied. “If that is your wish.”
Smiling at him, she nodded.
Drake cleared his throat, not certain how he felt about this new level of intimacy between them. Still, he could not help but reciprocate. “Will you call me Drake then?”
“Drake,” she said, testing his name, and a smile came to her face.
A long moment stretched between them as they stood there, looking into each other’s eyes, seeing each other as new people. Somehow, using the other’s given name changed something, and Drake could feel her gaze sweep over him in a most curious manner. He too could not deny that a part of him wished to know more of her, her thoughts, her emotions. She had shared much with him; unfortunately, most of it circled around that one night of her life. Nonetheless, he knew there were other parts of her he knew nothing about, and Drake could not help but regret that.
“Shall we begin?” he asked when the silence began to stretch into something uncomfortable and he found himself searching for words to say.
Leonora nodded most eagerly. She took a step toward him, her wide blue eyes upon his face. “What do I need to do?”
