The Hate Between Us, page 21
His face twisted with anger. “Why are you pushing this? Do you want it to be real? Do you want it to mean something?”
It took all my control not to show him how close that had hit to home. “N-No.”
He stood up. “As for that kiss, have you ever heard of developing feelings for your partner so you could act out a connection with them more easily?”
“What are you trying to say?”
“I figured out what’s happening when I’m acting with you—I had to convince myself I have a connection with you for this to work. I have to pretend I want you to be able to recreate feelings for your character. That’s all there is to our supposed connection.”
My stomach plummeted. His explanation made perfect sense and was something some actors did do, so why did it hurt hearing it?
I blinked fast, feeling the beginning of tears. I turned my wheelchair around so he wouldn’t see my face. “Then why didn’t you just say so?”
“Because I don’t want you to think I actually feel something for you, Turner. Seeing that you turn every fucking thing over in your mind, thinking it means something.” He raised his hands in the air. “I admit that it got out of control, but it was in the heat of the moment. Nothing else.”
I nodded. “Right. Okay, then. Good to know.”
“Good. I’m glad we finally understand each other,” he spat out.
The wind picked up, sending the leaves on the ground twirling in a whirlwind that reflected the feelings inside of me. The feelings that grew more unbearable the longer I stayed here by his side. I needed some distance.
“Can we leave? I don’t think I’m going to be able to concentrate on practicing anymore.”
He frowned. “Don’t act like a child. You—”
“Please.” My voice cracked.
He didn’t respond immediately, but I didn’t turn to look at him, feeling him watching me. After what felt like an eternity, he said through his teeth, “Whatever. Let’s go.”
I headed after him to his car. We didn’t exchange a single word, save for me giving him my address during the ride back, the space between us charged with tension and unspoken words.
Only once he was gone, pulling away from my driveway in a cloud of smoke, did I let the tears out, cursing the guy who despite my every effort to keep him out of my heart, seemed to be taking up more and more of its space, stubbornly refusing to leave it or my mind.
After that practice with Jason, I was perfectly fine avoiding him. I spent the weekend doing schoolwork and practicing Chloe’s scenes in front of the mirror, trying to make myself cry on cue. At first, I couldn’t do it, re-doing the scenes repeatedly only to feel more frustrated, but then I decided on another approach. Instead of focusing on Chloe’s painful moments, I focused on my painful memories, letting them take me over.
And it helped. Not just with the crying but also with my dealing with my negative emotions in a positive way. I was able to use them constructively, and there was something cathartic about that. It was like they owned me less and I owned them more.
Dr. Peterson agreed. We talked about my acting progress, but I also opened up about Jason and told the doctor all about the old crush I’d had on Jason, Caroline’s involvement in the accident, and Jason’s treatment of me after that. I mentioned how confused I’d felt when we acted and it had felt right.
Dr. Peterson said something similar to what Dylan had told me—that I could be projecting my character’s feelings. He called it transference. Or that Jason could really be pretending he wanted his acting partner so he could bring out his character’s feelings more realistically. Both explanations caused a raw ache in my chest I didn’t want to identify.
It didn’t help that I often caught Jason watching me these days, especially when I was with Liam.
“You definitely touched a nerve when you asked him that,” Dylan told me on our way to my PE class. She wanted to walk me there, and I used the chance to recount to her what had happened at our practice at Silver Lake. “Mr. Almighty isn’t as almighty now, eh?”
“I don’t know, Dee. Not that it makes me feel any better. What he said was mean.”
“Remember what I told you? Don’t let him get in your head. He’s just some little, insecure boy who acts no better than a caveman. He doesn’t deserve a single thought.”
It was probably better not to mention to her that not only had I spent countless thoughts on him recently, but I’d also spent countless tears on my pillow.
“But I told you,” Dylan continued. “The boy’s developing feelings, and I’m all here for when you break his heart.”
“You’re so mean.”
“Nope, no. That guy’s mean. It’s only fair.”
Chuckling, I bade her farewell and entered the girls’ locker room.
Shortly after, I entered the gym and spotted Liam standing with a teammate on the other side. Liam patted him on the shoulder when I approached them and turned to look at me with a pearly smile. “There you are. Ready for one on one?”
I groaned. “Already?”
“We’ve been doing basics for weeks.”
“I was kinda hoping we could stick to basics the whole semester.”
He chuckled. “No can do. Come on. I’ll go easy on you.”
If making me sweat like a pig and rush like mad to keep up was going easy on me, I didn’t want to imagine what it would be like if he was hard on me. Sweat was rolling down my body in buckets, gluing some parts of my baggy T-shirt to my body, and I already anticipated a long shower as soon as I got home.
I was having difficulty catching my breath when I grasped the ball in both hands and got ready to shoot, knowing already I was going to miss. The ball unceremoniously rebounded off the rim and rolled off toward the bleachers, proving once again I sucked at basketball.
“I’ll get it,” Liam said and jogged across the gym.
My skin prickled with awareness. I told myself I wouldn’t look, but my eyes betrayed me before I could make an effort to stop them, looking over to where Jason was playing ball with his friends nearby.
He was bouncing the ball between his hands, but his gaze was on me. I willed myself to keep breathing evenly, making sure my expression didn’t change. I took a quick inventory of his appearance, noting how even when covered in sweat he looked too attractive for his own good. Before I could look away, Jason’s attention turned to Liam as he jogged back to me. Without preamble, my skin grew hot and tight.
I just couldn’t come up with a reasonable explanation for Jason’s behavior. Seth was so sure Jason didn’t hate me. Hell, even Jason’s kisses last week, if I allowed myself that illusion, were an argument in favor of that. He was often watching me, and now he couldn’t get his eyes off Liam. But then, why did he try to sell me the bullshit that it was all acting and had nothing to do with us?
“You’ve been looking distracted all class,” Liam told me, his head tilted as he studied me. “Are you okay?”
I made a point not to look Jason’s way. “Yeah, it’s just that I’m a little tired, that’s all.”
His inquisitive gaze didn’t let up, and something uncomfortable stirred in my belly. “Are you sure that’s all?”
“Yeah. Why?”
He shifted on his feet, flashing his radiant smile. “I was thinking maybe I’ve been pushing you too hard with one on one?”
“No, that’s alright.” I chuckled. “I mean, I have to stop sucking so much at basketball one day, right? So don’t spare me.”
He barked a laugh. “I won’t. And you don’t suck at basketball.”
“Now you’re just trying to make me feel better.”
His smile widened. “Am I succeeding?”
“Maybe.”
He gave me a long look that brought a blush to my cheeks. “Then my job here is done.”
I looked away from the intensity of his gaze, feeling another pair of eyes studying me with equal intensity, but I refused to give those eyes any more attention.
Liam kept his word; he didn’t let up on me. I could barely remember my own name when class was finally over. Liam teased me about it all the way out of the gym.
“At least I won, okay?”
His grin was almost blinding. “Barely. And only because I let you win.”
I raised my brows. “You didn’t let me! I won fair and square.”
His chuckle followed me as I entered the locker room. I shook my head and moved to my locker, planning to wipe myself down with my towel until the rest of the girls left and I could change my clothes. I welcomed the silence when the last girl walked out, and I started undressing, taking off my sweatpants first. I shimmied into my pants and pulled my sweat-soaked shirt off, welcoming the brush of cool air on my heated skin. Just as I folded my shirt and dropped it into my backpack on the bench behind me, the lights went off. The room went pitch dark.
A cold shiver ran through me. What was going on?
My heart started pumping faster as my eyes darted around, seeing absolutely nothing. I’d left my phone in my locker . . .
The darkness of the room transformed into a nightlike darkness, and fear unlike anything I’d ever felt before slammed into me, rendering me powerless. I barely had time to brace myself against my wheelchair before a menacing voice filled my ears.
“Be quiet. It’s going to be alright.”
I cried out. “Who’s there?”
I whipped my gaze around, my moves jerky as I tried to maneuver my wheelchair in the small space. I couldn’t see anyone, hear anything. The air started pressing in on me, tightening its suffocating grip on my lungs.
A laugh resounded in my head. I couldn’t tell if they were male or female. I yanked my wheelchair backward.
“Okay, I know you think this is funny, but it’s not. Okay? What’s going on?”
Nothing. No response. Not a sound.
“Who’s there? Where are you?!”
I ran into the bench and almost toppled out of my chair, completely losing my orientation.
I needed to get out of here. Where was the door?
The continued silence in the room brought on goosebumps. Someone was here. Someone was here, and they were toying with me, and I couldn’t see a single thing . . .
My chest burned. I couldn’t gulp in enough air as I raced in what was hopefully the direction of the door.
I need to get out. Right now. Right goddamn now—
My wheelchair caught on something, and the momentum propelled me out of my chair and to the ground. I cried out. More laughter resounded around me, and I screamed. My heart was pounding so fast I feared it was going to give out on me.
“Leave me alone!”
Ignoring the pain in my elbows, I propelled myself up onto them and started crawling, trying to determine the right direction—
The door burst open. Fluorescent light from the hallway washed over the spot where I lay, and through my hazy vision, I saw a tall figure filling the doorway. I screamed.
“Katie!”
I needed a second to recognize the voice as Jason’s. It had been distorted, sounding as though it came from far away.
His Air Jordans skidded to a screeching halt next to me before he dropped to his knees, letting his backpack fall to the floor. “Are you okay? Can you sit up?”
I couldn’t speak, my breaths coming short. Only now I realized my face was wet—I was crying.
I pushed myself up to sit, only vaguely aware of Jason’s hands helping me up as I looked around us. Half of the room was still covered in total darkness.
“Someone’s here. The room got dark and they . . . they were laughing, and . . .”
Jason scanned our surroundings. “There’s no one else here.”
“There is!”
He turned on the flashlight on his phone and stood up. He did a quick sweep of the room before he moved around the row of lockers, going to the showers. I heard the curtains moving as Jason looked into each stall.
“There’s no one here.”
My heart pounded in my throat even faster. That couldn’t be possible. No one had gone out, and the voice had sounded as though it had come from right next to me . . .
The shadows in the corners of the room shifted as my vision blurred. No matter how much air I inhaled, it wasn’t enough.
Jason turned off his flashlight and returned to his knees beside me. “Try to breathe slowly.”
“I . . .”
I can’t get enough air.
“Eyes on me.”
“I—I can’t get air . . .”
“Katie, eyes on me.” His hands caught my shoulders, and I met his piercing gaze. “Try to slow your breathing.”
“I can’t. I can’t get enough air!”
He moved his thumb up and down across my shoulder reassuringly. “You can. Follow me. Breathe in.” He took a long breath in, willing me with his eyes to do the same. “You can do it.” He took another deep breath.
At first, I couldn’t do it, struggling with short gasps of breath, until he repeated the motion. I copied him, my chest constricting against the air I so desperately needed.
“Good girl. Breathe out.” He released his breath, and I followed, expelling it in a shaky exhale. “You’re doing okay. Now again.”
My mouth opened for another inhale, my hand curling against my thudding heart. The room started to crystallize in front of my eyes as more air reached my lungs and my pulse started slowing down.
“Again.”
Our gazes never left each other. I inhaled, hypnotized by the dark shades of his turbulent eyes that turned them almost black in the semi-darkness of the space.
“That’s it. You’re doing fine.” His voice was like velvet, nothing like his usual granite.
The next inhale was much easier, and my heart rate returned to normal. I exhaled a long breath, my head finally clearing.
I blinked. Both of us were still. His hand on my shoulder was scorching my skin, leaving a deeper imprint the longer it stayed there. His eyes shifted between mine, then made a trek down to my lips, neck, and then my breasts. He sucked in a sharp breath, wrenching his gaze away.
“Fuck.”
What—?
I looked down . . . Shit! I was wearing only a bra from the waist up.
I slammed my arms across my chest to cover myself, stifling a whimper. I’d never felt more exposed than now.
His lips pressed together as he pulled away, allowing me the space I badly needed. “Where’s your shirt?”
I pointed in the direction of my bag. He went over and grabbed my shirt. Without meeting my eyes, he tossed it to me.
I fumbled with the garment as I rushed to pull it on, my cheeks burning.
“Are you okay now?” he asked gruffly.
“Yes.” The moment I said it I tensed up because I remembered I had one more matter to deal with—getting back into my chair.
Steeling myself for the taxing procedure of raising myself into my chair in front of Jason, I stretched out my hand and pulled it closer to me. I put the brakes on. This time Jason didn’t ask me if I needed help, for which I was grateful. This wasn’t going to be just taxing; it was going to be humiliating too.
I’d used to think the floor was my enemy. I’d fall out of my wheelchair and struggle for a long time to get back into it, feeling like all my dignity had gone out the window as I dragged myself into my chair any way I could. These days it was easier since I’d gotten the hang of the way to do it, but I still felt embarrassed and frustrated over how hard I had to work for something as simple as that.
I brought my hand under my thigh and raised my leg so that it bent at the knee, then repeated the movement with the other leg. I gripped the metal frame of the chair with one hand and put my other hand on the floor, preparing myself for the strenuous next few seconds.
Feeling his watchful gaze on me, I pushed myself against the floor and chair and raised myself into the seat, growing red partly because of shame and partly because of how hard it was to get up.
When I finally looked at him, there was something impossibly tender in his gaze, and I almost couldn’t believe my eyes. He blinked and broke our eye contact, turning his face away from me.
“What was this all about?” He motioned around the locker room. “I was on my way out when I heard you shouting.”
“The lights went out as I was changing, and then I heard someone’s voice. They told me to be quiet and that it was going to be alright.”
Shadows converged along the edges of his sharp cheekbones.
“Then they started laughing.”
“Could you tell who it was?”
“No. I don’t even know if it was a girl or a boy.” I ran my hand down my face. “I don’t understand. You said there was no one here, but I didn’t see anyone leaving the room. I couldn’t have missed that. Are you sure there was no one in the shower stalls?”
“Turner, the stalls are totally empty. There’s nowhere to hide there.”
I shook my head, biting into my lip. I glanced around the room, finding nothing but more shadows. “I don’t understand. I could swear they were here.”
There was something strange in his gaze, as though he was seeing something from a new angle.
“What?” I asked.
“Do you have flashbacks?”
I arched my brows. How did he guess that? I didn’t respond, turning my head away, but I didn’t have to—my reaction confirmed it.
“Maybe that voice exists in your head.”
I narrowed my eyes at him. “Are you suggesting I’m crazy?”
“I’m suggesting you went through a trauma.”
“No shit.” I motioned at my legs, and he looked away, his mouth clamping shut and jaw tightening.
I felt a flicker of satisfaction from shutting him up like that, but I didn’t feel this event was connected to the accident. If this had really been a flashback—if this voice had come from a suppressed fragment of my memory—it couldn’t have anything to do with Caroline, right?
But that voice had sounded so real. Like someone had actually been here.
“Still, that doesn’t explain why the lights went out,” I said.
His brows furrowed. “It is strange. They only went out here.”
