‘Almost out!’ Abe half-shouted, half-laughed. ‘Five… four … three…’

  ‘THE SPOOK’S GONE POTTY!’ Maudlin screamed. ‘GET ME OFF THIS CONFOUNDED CONTRAP—’

  Suddenly, there was another WHOOMMFF of steam and a squeal of the battered wheels, and we burst into a brilliant blue light.

  For the teensiest of seconds, I thought we’d emerged above the ground – until I saw waves crashing overhead and I realised we were UNDER THE SEA!

  The Atilantus was zooming through a sort of clear tunnel like a fishy bullet from an ancient pistol.

  ‘THIS IS AMAZING!’ Mum cried as we zipped among what looked like a sunken forest of tree trunks. ‘THE PIER!’

  She was right! Grandad Abe’s invention had exploded out from underground and was racing between the hundreds of wooden legs that held up Brighton Pier.

  ‘I told you!’ the old ghost chortled as we raced onwards.

  We may have been flying along at break-neck speed, but I could clearly see the Atilantus was travelling inside a glass tube, held together with great clasps of rusty bronze and, from the looks of it, stretching away into the distance … we had a long way to go. A VERY long way to go. So I sat back and did my best to enjoy the ride, trying not to think about the fact we were in an extremely old and decrepit machine, heading hundreds of metres beneath the ocean.

  OH, I DO LIKE TO BE BENEATH

  For miles and miles, the Atilantus whistled onwards, going deeper and deeper as we went.

  Every now again we’d reach a rickety bend in the tracks or come across a leak in the tunnel and get soaked as the Atilantus exploded through the curtain of water that rained down through it, but mostly … well, mostly we just kept shooting straight out into the open sea.

  ‘It’s getting a bit murky,’ Dad said to Abe from the second row. ‘How far are we going?’

  I turned and looked at him, and I could tell he was starting to have the same worried thoughts as me. We were getting very, very deep underwater, and it was starting to get very, very dark on the other side of the glass.

  ‘Not long!’ Abe replied, smiling to himself. ‘We should be seeing it any second … there!’ He jabbed a ghostly finger at a large dark shape in the gloom outside.

  ‘What is it?’ I asked, squinting my eyes to try and figure out what I was staring at.

  It looked like a colossal crack in the seabed.

  ‘That, my dear boy, is the Banister-Bulch Trench! Discovered by me and your great-great-great-granny yonks ago!’

  ‘It looks deep!’ Mum squeaked nervously.

  ‘Ooooh, it is,’ Abe said. ‘Very deep indeed.’

  ‘And … are … we … going … down … there?’ Mum asked.

  ‘MOST CERTAINLY!’ Grandad cooed as the glass tube reached the edge of the enormous gorge and we plunged downwards again. ‘HOLD ON TIGHT! THIS IS THE BEST BIT!’

  Without any warning, the Atilantus began twisting and dipping, this way and that, like an out of control rollercoaster. In the light of the fish-eye lanterns, I watched with horror and excitement as we dived beneath crags of stone and zipped between the broken remains of old shipwrecks, glistening with treasure.

  Over and under, around and through, we hurtled into the trench, zig-zagging wildly. Thundering between great rocky chimneys that spewed columns of volcanic ash, until … suddenly, through the glass walls of the tunnel I caught sight of one of the most beautiful things I’ve EVER seen.

  Everybody gasped as we started to slow down and we gawped at the view spreading out in front of us.

  Nestled right into the bottom of the gargantuan gorge was a stupendous garden of the weirdest, most gigantic underwater plants you could imagine. It went on for miles!

  ‘How is this all down here?’ Mum asked.

  ‘A visiting tiki-trog helped us out with a warm-your-welks charm years and years ago,’ Abe replied with a smile. ‘It might be in the freezing depths of the sea, but the Banister-Bulch Trench is a tropical oasis.’

  Below, I could see honking great fans and domes of pink and gold coral, surrounded by a huge forest of billowing yellow kelp. A massive maze of anemones in every colour imaginable pulsated a little way off, and vast lawns of green and purple seagrass spread out, dancing in the currents … And all of it was glowing as brightly as the flowers in Mr Croakum’s flowerbeds.

  It almost looked like the Milky Way had sunk to the deepest depths of the ocean and we’d just found it, twinkling in the bottom of an immense trench!

  ‘Would you look at that!’ Nancy blurted.

  ‘It’s wonderful!’ Mum joined. ‘I … I can’t believe it!’

  But … that’s not even the best bit, my reader friend, because right in the middle of the never-ending undersea shrubbery was THE OTHER HALF OF THE HOTEL!!!

  THE BRINY BALLROOM

  ‘There it is!’ Grandad Abe hooted. ‘What a sight for spookery eyes.’

  Nobody spoke.

  All of us, including Manky Old Maloney, were flabbergusted and watched in silence as the tracks took one last swoop under an archway of fiery red coral and curved towards the building at the centre of the glowing pleasure gardens.

  ‘The Briny Ballroom,’ Abe chuckled. ‘We’ve reached our destination.’

  As we approached, I wasn’t even sure what I was gawping at. The building was a kind of colossal clear orb, held in place on the seabed by huge claws of gleaming gold.

  The Atilantus rattled around a final bend and passed through an opening into the base of the humongous glass ball.

  I don’t think there are enough words in the whole world to fully describe what we all saw as our fish-train chugged into the small arrivals station, just like the one below the hotel reception.

  ‘This way,’ Grandad Abe said as we came to a shaky stop. He floated past me, onto the wooden platform, then gestured for us to follow. Everyone clambered out through the metal ribs of the fish skeleton, eager to get a better look.

  I swayed onto solid ground with knees like jelly, although I didn’t care one little bit. I felt like someone had reached inside my head and scrambled my brains with an egg beater, but that wasn’t going to stop me now! The shock of meeting my long-dead great-great-great-grandad yesterday was enough to make me think I was dreaming, but riding a mechanical fish skeleton into the depths of the ocean, and discovering a whole new part of the hotel ALL BEFORE LUNCH was verging on BONKERS and I LOVED IT!

  ‘Come on, darling,’ Mum said to me, practically hopping with delight.

  Ahead of us was a railing, just like the one in the ‘Welcome Under’ room, and I couldn’t wait to reach it and get a better look at the cavernous place.

  We all shuffled over to the balcony edge like we’d had few too many sips of bluebottle brandy, and…

  ‘CORRR!’ Maloney cooed as she doddered up next to me. She planted her stumpy hands on her hips and peered about with a grin on her face.

  ‘What did I tell you, Maudlin?’ Nancy said, her eight eyes bulging with surprise. She gave the little leprechaun a nudge with her nearest elbow. ‘I said you’d thank me when we got here.’

  Maloney didn’t reply, she was too busy gawking, and I can’t say I blame her. Everything Grandad Abe had said was true.

  The Briny Ballroom was HONKHUMPTIOUS!

  No … it was more than HONKHUMPTIOUS!!

  It was HUMDEFFEROUS!!!

  Before us, underneath the high walls and ceiling of glass, stretched the most enormous circular dance floor I’d ever seen. It looked a bit like the floor of the hotel reception, with loads of patterned rings spiralling into the centre, but instead of black and white tiles, it was paved in thousands and thousands of tiny blue and purple seashells. Right in the centre, where Great-Great-Aunt Zennifer’s fountain would have been if we were back at home, was an ornate tree carved out of silver.

  Beyond the tree there was a bandstand with a roof above it like the dome in Granny Regurgita’s tower-bedroom, and around the edge of the dance floor were lines of entertainment stalls and amusements. I could see a pink-and-yellow-striped helter-skelter slide, a carousel with multi-coloured seahorses around it, and a ferris wheel with carriages made from giant clams.

  There were food wagons, and fortune-teller tents, and rows of wobbly mirrors, and all of it – absolutely everything – was covered in a thick blanket of cobwebs and dust.

  ‘Well?’ Abe said, after we’d been gazing at it all for what seemed like an eternity. ‘It might be in need of a good old clean-up, but you’re all most welcome. Lovely, isn’t it?’

  ‘Och, it’s a beauty!’ Nancy sighed, fanning herself with her four hands.

  ‘Yes!’ Abe laughed. ‘And how we partied here!’

  I glanced upwards when a large cloud-like blob caught my attention as it moved around the outside of the glass walls, distracting me from my family’s nattering.

  ‘Gosh!’ Mum cried. She’d spotted it too.

  Everyone stared as the shape twisted and shimmered, darting this way and that, gliding up towards the top of the ceiling. For a moment, it looked like the giant blustery blizzard that had visited our hotel just a few weeks ago was out there in the depths, until, sparkling with the coloured lights from the pleasure gardens below, the entire cloud dived straight through the glass walls and I saw it was an immense shoal of fish!

  ‘How did they do that?’ Dad gasped. ‘Are they ghosts?’

  ‘Ha ha! What nonsense,’ Abe scoffed. ‘No, Bargeous, they’re not spook-salmon.’

  ‘But they just swam through solid walls!’ Mum joined in. ‘And now … well…’ Mum pointed with a look of amazement on her face. The hundreds of little fish were soaring through the air like birds.

  ‘Ah! That’s where you’ve got it wrong, my friends,’ Abe replied. ‘I know what you’re thinking, but this place isn’t made from glass.’

  ‘It’s not?’ Maudlin grunted. The novelty of discovering the ballroom was wearing thin and I could see she was getting grumpy again. ‘Well, you could have fooled this old flubberchub! What are you talking about, you phantom fool?’

  ‘We’re standing inside a bubble. It’s enchanted with mer-magic, so the local sea life can swim straight through it as though they’re still in water. Marvellous, if you ask me.’

  Abe floated to the nearest end of the railway platform, then turned and beckoned for me to follow him.

  ‘See, Frankie?’ he said. ‘Give it a go.’

  I ran over to where my great-great-great-grandad was waiting and gently touched the see-through walls. They were cool and slightly squidgy.

  ‘Now, one gentle push,’ Abe instructed.

  I couldn’t help whooping with excitement as my hand passed straight through, into the warm waters on the outside. I wriggled my fingers and watched as tiny bubbles formed along them, tingling and popping.

  ‘THAT’S AMAZING!’ I shouted and shoved my whole arm through the wall. I could feel a gentle pull from the deep currents that were swirling around out there in the dark. It tugged at my wrist and rippled my shirt cuff.

  ‘Not too far, my boy,’ Abe said. ‘You don’t want to slip and end up on the wrong side.’

  I pulled my arm back in, then turned to Mum and Dad and waved to show them my soaking wet sleeve.

  ‘BRILLIANT!’

  We watched as more and more sea creatures glided through the walls and emerged from their hiding places, attracted by our unexpected appearance in the bubble.

  There were brightly-coloured schools of clown fish that darted around the abandoned food wagons, and stingrays that swooped in and skimmed the shiny floor like fast-moving pancakes. Herds of spiny sea dragons ventured out from among the branches of the silver tree, rabbitfish chased each other around the carousel, and a green sea turtle flapped lazily over our heads.

  ‘Get away!’ a cracked voice suddenly yelped behind me, ruining the magic of the moment. I turned to see Maudlin Maloney swatting at a large eel-like creature that was trying to nibble at the bundle of trinkets tied to her belt. ‘Be off with yer!’

  ‘Oh! I wouldn’t do that if I were you,’ Grandad Abe said, raising his hands as the ancient leprechaun started batting at the ugly thing. ‘That’s a lesser-spotted-blurtle! They go pop if they’re attac—’

  BOOM! SPLAT! SQUELCH, SLOP!

  Maloney planted a hefty WALLOP right between the blurtle’s eyes and the unfortunate creature exploded in a cloud of slime, showering the grizzly bad-luck fairy in strings of ooze and blobs of stinky … I don’t know what.

  Anyway … it doesn’t take a genius to guess that Maudlin was absolutely hopping mad about it. I wanted to laugh so much, but I wouldn’t have dared in a bajillion years.

  ‘Are you okay?’ Mum asked nervously as the leprechaun flicked a chunk of blurtle from the end of her stumpy nose.

  Maloney didn’t speak. She just stood there, dripping in sea gunk.

  ‘Looks like it’s sushi for dinner,’ Nancy whispered to me, stifling a giggle.

  Maudlin balled her hands into fists and scowled at the rest of us.

  ‘I think I’m done with all the nicey-niceness, Abraham,’ she croaked. ‘Forget the blunkin’ fish! Forget the BLUNKIN’ fun!

  ‘Now, now, Maudlin,’ Abe said. ‘Plenty more to see.’

  With that, Grandad Abe hurried off down the stairs, and we all followed before the furious leprechaun could argue.

  Nobody wanted to stick around beside her just then. There were wisps of smoke coming out of her ears.

  SOMETHING A LITTLE BIT STRANGE

  Great-Great-Great-Grandad Abraham led us down the steps from the station platform and floated out across the room.

  ‘I’ll show you the best bits,’ he said, doing his best I’m-not-worried smile at Maudlin Maloney.

  We all followed, quietly gawping as we took the place in. It was even more impressive now that we were down below the towering bubble dome.

  As we got closer to the silver tree in the middle of the dance-floor, I saw there were tiny, intricate houses hanging among its branches. They looked like miniature palaces with turrets and verandas and staircases looping around their outside walls … and just when we were walking beneath the nearest one, I spotted a tiny figure hurrying out onto a low balcony.

  ‘Excuse me!’ it squeaked. ‘You there!’

  Everyone stopped in their tracks and looked up. It was a miniscule piskie princess, dressed in fancy caterpillar-silk robes with a teensy crown made from bent paperclips on her head.

  ‘I say … who is in charge here?’ she chirped.

  We all turned to Abe and pointed.

  ‘Ummm … well, I suppose I am,’ he mumbled.

  ‘Ah, good. Allow me to introduce myself.’ The piskie maiden drew herself up and tried to look as important and stern as someone the size of a thumb can do. ‘I am Viscera Von Tangle of the Lower Lumplands. Princess of the Piskish, Soverign of the Squatlings…’

  I caught sight of Maudlin Maloney pulling a face. Magical royalty, no matter what species, always like to make such a song and dance about introductions.

  ‘Empress of the Umpers, Duchess of the Dongles. And I’d like to lodge a complaint.’

  ‘A complaint?’ Abe said.

  ‘Yes!’ the princess snapped. ‘I ordered room service ninety-four years ago and it still hasn’t arrived!’

  Grandad Abe opened his mouth to speak but the tiny figure raised an even tinier hand and stopped him.

  ‘I’m a very patient piskie, but salamander skin paté on baked conker crackers does NOT take that long to prepare, no matter how good it is!’

  ‘Ah, I see,’ Abe said. ‘I’ll make sure that’s sorted for you.’ He nodded at Nancy, who pulled a small pad from her flower apron pocket and made a note.

  ‘Make sure you do, Mr … who are you?’ the princess barked.

  ‘Abraham Banister.’

  ‘Lies! You are not!’

  ‘Yes, I am!’ Abe shouted back at little thing, slightly too angrily.

  ‘Don’t try to fool me, wretched rotling! You can’t prankify a piskie, don’t you know? I spent many a summer with good old Abe and you are NOT him! I smell the green-eyed monster! You’ve brought it back! YOU ARE—’

  ‘A GHOST!’ Grandad Abraham blurted, stopping the princess mid-sentence. ‘I know! SURPRISE! Nothing to worry about! Lots has changed! MUST HURRY!’

  With that, he turned and floated off in the direction of the helter-skelter slide as fast as he could.

  ‘Piskies!’ he finally chuckled to us over his shoulder as we all rushed to catch up with the old spook. ‘Such little heads! Their brains can’t cope with too many thoughts at once. What a muddle-pot!’

  Now, I know what you’re thinking. You’re saying to yourself: ‘THAT WAS WEIRD!’ and you’re right … it was! That moment with Viscera Von Tangle brought back my little tingle of worry and started me wondering if Abe wasn’t being entirely truthful about something. And it didn’t take long to find out what.

  ABRAHAM’S OFFICE

  By the time we reached the other side of the Briny Ballroom, I could tell Mum and Dad thought something seemed a bit odd too, and they were whispering to each other. I think Dad was just getting ready to question Grandad Abe about what the piskie princess had said, when the old ghost interrupted us all.

  ‘We’re here!’ he cooed merrily.

  Abe was floating above a shiny circular symbol on the floor, right between the helter-skelter slide and the seahorse carousel. It was about the same size as the rug in my bedroom that Hoggit loves to roll on and scratch his scales, and as we got closer, I could see it was the shiny emblem of a wreath of twisty octopus tentacles, a bit like the ones that had appeared on the reception desk earlier that morning.

 

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