‘No, it was none of those things,’ Dad said, grinning. He looked like he was about to start jumping up and down with delight at who had arrived. ‘It was—’

  Suddenly an explosion of ectoplasm erupted over a family of unsuspecting hinkapoots as Prince Grogbah appeared, clapping his tiny hands with glee and waggling his curly-toed feet.

  ‘Oh, lummy!’ he cooed, looking about the foyer. ‘What’s arrived? Is it something bitey?’

  ‘Go away, Grogbog!’ I grunted at the little ghost, before sticking out my tongue.

  ‘ZIP IT, SCUZZLING!’ he barked, raising his hand to silence me. ‘I want to see the new guest. I do hope it’s something dreaderous! Maybe today will be the day I’ll see Frankie Banister get slobber-chomped!’

  ‘Oh, get out of here, you wee jobby!’ Nancy yelled, shaking her fists at the spoiled goblin prince. ‘Don’t you talk about Frankie like that!’

  Ever since my great-great-uncle was defeated and carted off to the Himalayas, Grogbah has been haunting me non-stop. It’s a nightmare! He almost never leaves my side, except when he waddles off for the occasional naked dip in the fountain (which he still insists is his own private plunge pool), and the rottly toad especially loves annoying me whenever he gets the chance. It’s his way of getting revenge after being grunched-up in the garden, I suppose.

  ‘Now is not the time!’ Mum snapped, grabbing a broom from Ooof, the hotel’s handyogre. She waved it towards the prince like he was a bad smell. ‘Don’t think I won’t waft you away!’

  ‘Shut your mumble-holes, all of you!’ Grogbah shouted. ‘I want to park my peepers on what’s here! The wallpaper’s been chattywagging about something terrorfumbling! A real creepsy cruminal. Whatever it is, it must be horribump!’

  ‘Errm, no,’ Mum replied, betraying a worried look for a moment. ‘It’s nothing . . . I mean . . . no one like that. The wallpaper is wrong.’

  ‘It’s never usually wrong!’ Madam McCreedie rasped.

  ‘It could be a boy-eating-borkle, perhaps?’ Grogbah chuckled. ‘Or a razor-toothed nifflehog?’

  The guests crowding reception and the great spiral staircase gasped in alarm.

  ‘Or a gristle-witch?’ Prince Grogbah continued. ‘Oh, yes! A nasty bone-stealing gurnip of a gristle-witch.’

  ‘That’s enough, you rambunking pook!’ Maudlin Maloney’s voice croaked from somewhere in the throng of magical guests. She was far too short to be seen among them all, and I never would have spotted her if she hadn’t suddenly raised the nozzle of the vacuum cleaner into the air. ‘You stop scaring everyone with your pint-sized prattle or I’ll switch this on and you’ll be guzzled a second time!’

  Not even Prince Grogbah was stupid enough to argue with the ancient leprechaun. He scowled down to where Maloney was standing in the crowd, then glowered over at me.

  ‘See you in your room, snotling!’ he scoffed. ‘I’m going to practise my opera singing all night long!’

  With that, he vanished in another little explosion of ectoplasm, leaving our guests to gawk about with wide eyes.

  In an instant the massive room was filled with the babble of questioning guests again as they shouted and called for answers.

  ‘GET OUT OF THE WAY!’ Maudlin Maloney pushed through the jostling mob. She reached Mum and me beside the stone reception counter then clambered up onto its surface. ‘SHUT YOUR GABBLING GOBLETS IF YOU WANT TO FIND OUT WHO’S ARRIVED!’

  Everyone went silent. I looked up at Mum, and she nodded to me.

  ‘Go on, darling,’ she said with a wink and nudged me up onto the stone counter next to Maudlin. ‘You can tell them.’

  ‘Well,’ I announced in my loudest voice. ‘It’s—’

  ‘A stink demon?’ called Mrs Venus from her wheelbarrow.

  ‘A tusk-billed plunktipus?’ shouted Horatio Croakum, the hotel’s gardener.

  ‘My Aunt Trudy?’ wailed Berol Dunch, the geriatric mermaid, from the pool at the base of the fountain.

  ‘NO! NONE OF THEM!’ I yelled. If I didn’t tell them now, our guests would never let me get the words out. ‘IT WAS . . . IT WAS . . . IT WAS GREAT-GREAT-GREAT-GRANDAD ABRAHAM!’

  PANDEMONIUM

  As I shouted the words, Dad stepped out from his spot under the archway, revealing the ghost of our long-dead relative, floating just behind him.

  ‘Hello, there!’ Grandad Abe smiled shyly and gave a little wave to everyone. ‘Surprise!’

  In seconds, the whole of reception was clamouring with raised voices.

  ‘Is it really you?’ gasped an elderly pine dryad.

  ‘I DON’T BELIEVE IT!’ hooted Reginald Blink, the cyclops.

  ‘It can’t be Abe … he had more skin the last time I saw him!’ Berol Dunch insisted.

  But it was! I found I couldn’t help staring at the elderly spook with his odd socks and twinkling blue eyes, as he nodded and smiled. I’d seen the painted portrait of my great-great-great-grandad every day of my life, and now I had a chance to finally get to know him. This should have been better than a million Trogmanay gifts all rolled into one! Although. . .

  I wasn’t sure why, but that old familiar feeling of doubt bubbled in my belly again. Just because Abe was here and seemed friendly enough, it didn’t mean that all the terrible things Oculus had told us weren’t true. What was it Grogbah had said about the wallpaper’s gossiping? Something terrorfumbling? A real cruminal?

  ‘’Ere! Whath all thith we’ve heard about you being a thneaky tho-and-tho?’ the Molar Sister lisped in unison, as if they’d read my thoughts.

  ‘A what?’ the old ghost replied, looking slightly shocked.

  ‘We heared you’re a grim-hearted gurnip!’ gurgled an elderly anemononk.

  ‘A right RUMPSCALLION!’ Reginald Blink joined in.

  ‘Good gracicles! No!’ Abe gasped. ‘You’ve been misinformed!’

  ‘Then what about your blunkerly son?’ Lady Leonora, scoffed as she materialised in mid-air.

  ‘That little whippersnooper necromanicled me and made me act as a . . . a . . . COMMON SERVANT!!’

  ‘I NEARLY DIED!’ wailed Wailing Norris from halfway up the spiral staircase.

  ‘You’re already dead, you cretinous idiot!’ Lady Leonora snapped at the trembling, wild-haired spook. Then she turned her attention back to Abe. ‘But, still…’

  ‘I can’t be blamed for what that boy got up to! I can’t even remember him. Not really! It’s not my fault if he tried to destroy the hotel!’

  ‘I don’t think we told you that,’ Maudlin said, raising an eyebrow and scowling at the moustachioed ghost.

  ‘What?’ Abe chuckled. ‘No . . . I just sensed it!’

  ‘You sensed it?’ Maudlin asked.

  ‘Indeed!’ Grandad Abe tittered. ‘Something us spirits are skilled at. Isn’t that right, Lady Leonora?’

  ‘Ghosts are terribly intelligent,’ Leonora agreed, nodding pompously. ‘I myself am particularly astute!’

  ‘I didn’t know you two knew each other,’ Maudlin grunted, looking sceptical. ‘How do you know Lady Lenora’s name?’

  ‘It’s a ghost thing!’ Abe said. ‘Our magical minds, know more than most. . .’

  ‘Charmed, I’m sure!’ Lady Leonora gasped at the compliment and giggled annoyingly.

  Maloney opened up her mouth to speak again, but Leonora plucked a wispy fan out of the air and waved it at the ancient leprechaun.

  ‘Shoo!’ the ghost hissed as she floated down to the ground. ‘The master of the house will not be wanting to spend another moment with the likes of you.’

  ‘What makes you think he wants to see your mangy mug?!’ Maudlin hissed, but the haughty grey ghost ignored her.

  ‘Come, my dear,’ Lady Leonora warbled at Abe.

  ‘Now that you’re one of us, you’ll be wanting to learn of all the best haunts around the hotel. I know a marvellous spot on the seventh floor that’s perfect for practising your screams!’

  With that, the lady-ghost went to link her arm around Grandad Abe’s and . . . he shrieked!

  ‘DON’T TOUCH ME!’ he bellowed, recoiling from the mortified-looking ghost.

  ‘HOW RUDE!’ Leonora squawked. She was so surprised that she exploded a tiny burp of ectoplasm onto the floor tiles.

  Silence suddenly filled the busy room again as everyone gawped at Abe.

  The old ghost glared at us all, then grinned nervously.

  ‘I . . . I do beg your pardon,’ he mumbled. If ghosts were capable of blushing, I think his entire body would have turned red as a tomato at that moment.

  ‘I’m . . . ummm . . . I’m terribly tired. Travelling from the Land of the Dead is an exhausting journey! I’m a married fellow and if it’s all the same to you, I’d just like to spend a spot of snuggle-time with my darling wife.’

  Everyone turned to look at Granny Regurgita, who was in the middle of trying to tiptoe up the first flight of the staircase. She stopped and grimaced.

  ‘NOT ON YOUR NELLY!’

  ‘But, schmoopsy-poo!’ Abraham begged. ‘I’ve come all this way!’

  ‘Ooooh, it’th tho romantic,’ the Molar Sisters sighed in unison. ‘I hope they kith, all thlobbery-like!’

  Granny’s cheeks suddenly puffed out and I thought she was going to be sick.

  ‘Don’t even think about it, you grimblish old creep!’ my grizzly granny bellowed. ‘I had a go at being wifely and lovelicious the first time round and I thought it was GUT-HONKING! I’d rather snuggle with a sabre-toothed snuzzbungle than spend more time with you!’

  And that was it…

  Granny galumphed up the great staircase like a demented rhinoceros and vanished out of sight.

  ‘Oh, bother!’ Grandad Abe mumbled miserably.

  Glancing over at the elderly ghost, the doubt in my head began to melt away. He looked so sad, just floating there, and I couldn’t help feeling sorry for him.

  I was about to call his name, but the clamour of our nosy guests instantly drowned me out as they grabbed their chance and started yelling and hollering questions again.

  ‘What can you remember about Oculus?’

  ‘Almost nothing,’ Abe whimpered. ‘I’ve been a ghost for nearly a hundred years! I can’t even recall what he looked like!’

  ‘What’s it like to pop your clonkers?’

  ‘COLD!’ Abe cried.

  ‘Why did you run away and abandon your first son and wife?’

  ‘I didn’t!’ Abe cringed. ‘I can’t remember them, I truly can’t! It’s all just one big smudgy blur!’

  Guests crowded around the startled ghost, while more and more appeared on the balconies, drawn by all the noise.

  Abe’s reappearance had split the hotel’s inhabitants into two teams. Some were cheering and celebrating his return while others were shouting and waving their fists in the air, obviously still not sure Abe should be welcomed as a hero if the rumours were true.

  It was chaos! Mum, Dad and Nancy were doing their best to control the situation, but a bit of juicy gossip was far more important than good behaviour to most magicals.

  Guests were whooping and yelling, and Berol Dunch even threw the remains of a sardine she’d been chewing on!

  I watched as if the world had turned to slow motion as the disgusting thing sailed through the air, passed straight through Abe’s head and hit the wall with a squidgy splat.

  ‘Take that!’

  DON’T MESS WITH MAUDLIN MALONEY

  ‘BREAK IT UP!!!!!’

  The cracked voice squawked so loudly, everyone (including Abe) stopped what they were doing and goggled about with surprise.

  I turned to look at Maudlin as she growled on the reception counter next to me. She fumbled with something on her belt then raised her arm into the air.

  ‘STOP YOUR MADNESS!!’

  Between her gnarled fingers the ancient leprechaun was clutching a small bottle made from blue glass.

  ‘I THINK THAT’S QUITE ENOUGH, YOU PACK OF HOODLUMPS!’ she bellowed. ‘GET BACK TO YOUR ROOMS!’

  With that, the grizzled bad luck fairy hurled the little bottle at the black and white tiled floor with a grunt. It shattered in a cloud of sickly yellow smoke and instantly the room was filled with a curious popping sound, like when you pour badger milk on puffed-maggot breakfast cereal.

  For the teensiest of seconds nothing happened, and then. . .

  ‘AAAAAAAAAEEEEEEEEEEEGGGGHHHHHHH!!’

  All at once, every single angry guest filling the foyer or bustling their way towards us lurched straight off the ground and started flying backwards at breakneck speed, as if they were being pulled by the elastic at the rear of their underpants.

  ‘WHAT’TH GOIN’ ON!?’ the Molar Sister’s yelped as they whizzed past, nearly knocking me off my feet.

  ‘AAAAAEEEEE!’

  Guests zoomed around the staircase and hurtled between the chandeliers. A gaggle of potato-sized dust pooks rolled the wrong way up the banister and Berol Dunch was dragged out of the fountain and down the corridor towards the swimming pool by her tail, leaving a wet trail on the floor as she went.

  ‘PUT ME DOWN!’

  I watched in amazement as bodies tumbled through the air until, one by one, they all vanished down the many hallways that led away from the great spiral staircase on all ten floors, followed by the sound of hundreds of slamming bedroom doors.

  In ten seconds flat, me, Mum and Dad, Nancy and Maudlin were alone with Grandad Abe in the middle of the deserted foyer.

  There was a moment of confused gawking until Nancy let out a great big grunt.

  A grumpling who’d been watching the whole drama unfold from next to the reception desk had accidentally zoomed straight through Nancy’s bluish/purple hairdo as he was magically launched off the floor. Now, our unfortunate spider-chef’s curls were sticking out in all directions like a well-shampooed palm tree. Her tartan hat was A drooped over one eye, and her glasses had been flung off altogether. She looked like she’d just been dragged through a tornado backwards.

  ‘Oooch, I say!’ she huffed. ‘My perm! I’ve only just had this done! A wee bit of warning would have been nice, Maudlin, If I’d been one step further to the left, that poor grumpling would have taken my head off!’ She fumbled for her spectacles on the floor, found them and placed them back on her nose, blinking all eight of her eyes. ‘What in the blunkers was that, anyway?’

  Maudlin grinned a crooked grin.

  ‘That was a STOP ALL YOUR NONSENSE charm,’ she chuckled. ‘Stole the recipe from a bogrunt back in Tipperary years ago, and I’ve been perfecting it ever since. Very handy, I’d say.’

  ‘Indeed!’ Grandad Abe mumbled, looking at Maloney with a mixture of fear and gratitude. ‘I thank you kindly. You always know just the right charm.’

  ‘Think nothing of it!’ the leprechaun croaked. ‘Though it won’t keep those ruffians and rumpers in their rooms for long. I’d say it’s about time we all got ourselves to bed-i-bunks.’

  Nobody said anything. It was way past midnight, but everyone was far too excited to head off to their rooms.

  ‘There’s going to be a lot of explaining to do tomorrow, whether you like it or not, Abe.’

  ‘Oh . . . yes. I suppose there will be.’

  ‘Honestly, my old friend!’ Maudlin half-scolded, half-chuckled. ‘Who shows up uninvited to a gaggle of gossipy grahams at a time like this? You’re a glutton for trouble, so you are!’

  ‘I just wanted to visit after talking to you all. Oh, bother and blast it! I should never have come. Everyone thinks I’m a skuzzler!’

  ‘Well, I never believed any of the rumours, Abraham!’ Dad said. ‘I don’t think you’re a skuzzler and I’m glad you’re here.’

  ‘Me too!’ Mum added.

  ‘There’ll be plenty of time for that stuff tomorrow,’ Maudlin said. ‘Abe, you can sleep on my caravan steps, where I can keep an eye on you. The rest of you . . . GET TO BED!’

  We had a billion things we wanted to ask my great-great-great-grandad, but nobody was brave enough to argue with Maudlin Maloney.

  ‘GO!’

  THE FOURTH KEYHOLE

  The second the sun was up, I was dressed and rattling down through the floor of my bedroom in my BRILLIANT chair-lift quicker than I’d ever done before.

  Grogbah had kept true to his word and had sat spinning on my model-globe, singing at the top of his voice all night, so morning couldn’t have come fast enough.

  Today was Abe’s actual one hundred and seventy-fifth birthday and I couldn’t wait to spend the day with him. There was SO much I wanted to know his travels and adventures.

  Whatever doubts I’d had yesterday were gone and a buzz of excitement fizzed in my brain. I couldn’t believe I’d let stupid Prince Grogbah make me feel nervous!

  I reached the library floor with a BUMP and darted over to the doors that led through to reception.

  ‘Grandad Abe!’ I shouted as I flung the doors wide, then nearly fell over backwards when I saw the foyer was already filled with hundreds of guests. I guess I wasn’t that much of an early bird, after all.

  ‘Frankie, my dear!’ Nancy called from the stone counter. ‘Over here!’

  I glanced across the enormous room and saw my family gathered there, and they too were gawping at my great-great-great-grandad.

  ‘It was right here!’ I heard Abe say as he was floating in circles around the stone reception desk, with a look of frustration on his face.

  ‘There are only three keyholes, Abe,’ Mum said. She reached inside her top and pulled out the brass key that hung around her neck on a chain. ‘See? I should know – I’m in charge of them.’

  ‘No, no, no – there definitely used to be four!’ Abe said. ‘Fish, snake, bumblebee, octopus!’

  ‘Morning, boy!’ Maudlin grumbled when she spotted me. ‘What time do you call this?’

  Abe looked up and smiled.

  ‘Good day to you, young chap!’ he beamed, grinning a mischievous grin. ‘You’ve arrived at precisely the right moment!’

 

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