Sea-ing is Believing!, page 2
THE SKELL-A-PHONE KEY
‘TA-DAH!’ Maudlin hooted, flourishing her hand at us. Between two of her stumpy fingers, she was holding what looked like a little white marble attached to a thin, twisty piece of metal with tiny notches and teeth cut into it, sort of like a key. ‘Hows about that, then?’
Nobody spoke.
‘Umm, thank you, Maudlin,’ said Mum, after a silence that seemed to go on for ever. ‘It’s lovely.’
‘Is it a…?’ Dad mumbled. ‘It’s a … errr … it’s definitely … what is it?’
Maloney grimaced. ‘I don’t know why I bother sometimes!’ she grumbled. ‘Honestly! What kind of brain-bungled eejits don’t know a skell-a-phone key when they see one?’
‘A skell-a-what?’ Mum asked, looking embarrassed.
‘A SKELL-A-PHONE KEY!’ Maudlin barked. ‘Worth a small blunkin’ fortune. I had to haggle with a hitchy-scratch for hours to get me hands on it, so I did!’
‘Och, how lovely, dear!’ Nancy said, leaning in for a better look. ‘But I’m not sure I’ve ever heard of one.’
‘Me neither,’ said Dad.
‘What’s it for?’ I asked, and instantly regretted it.
‘See for yourself, boy.’ Maudlin turned her piercing gaze on me and I felt a shudder creep across my skin. Even though the ancient leprechaun had become a close friend of the family since she saved our lives a few weeks back, I still found her super spine-jangling. ‘It’ll curl your toes with shock.’
She held the skell-a-phone key out towards me and I nervously took the small object.
‘It’s not dangerous, is it?’ Mum whimpered as I turned the strange thing over in my hand.
‘Depends on who’s using it,’ Maudlin cackled.
Getting a closer look, I saw for the first time that what I thought was a white marble was actually an ornately carved little skull, and the strip of intricately notched and twisted metal sticking out of its base had tiny letters engraved into it.
‘“Gimble and Gump’s Otherworldly Supplies”,’ I read out loud.
‘They’re the best makers of skell-a-phone keys in all the worlds,’ Maloney declared, looking very proud indeed.
‘But …’ Mum looked terrified to ask. ‘What does it do?’
‘HA HA!’ Maudlin snatched the key back from me and bounded off her chair. ‘I’ll show you, Rani,’ she guffawed excitedly. ‘You’ll love it, so you will.’
We all watched in wide-eyed silence as the leprechaun hobbled across the kitchen, scattering her chickens in all directions. She headed straight to the yell-a-phone that hung on the wall next to the fireplace, then stopped and grinned back at us.
‘After all the gossipy grumble-griping that’s been going on about Abraham Banister, I say we ask him ourselves and find out the truth once and for all. Let’s see if he really did run off and leave his one-eyed bratling to be gruzzled by a graveghast!’
In no time, everyone was huddled around, waiting to see what Maudlin’s gadget could do. Well, everyone except Granny Regurgita. She refused to show any interest and was so annoyed when we all left the table, she took to grabbing fistfuls of food from our plates.
‘Rumblish nonkumbumps, if you ask me!’ the greedy troll slurped between mouthfuls of birthday cake and squirrel-cheese twirls. ‘You’ll be sorry … I’ll gobble the lot!’
I suppose now would be a good moment to tell you what a yell-a-phone is, just in case you don’t know, my human friend. The yell-a-phone is an irritating contraption that allows us to speak to anyone around the building, no matter where they are. It’s also the way Mum and Dad usually like to wake me up in the mornings, calling for me to help with chores.
The main control is in the kitchen and it looks like a kind of typewriter, but instead of the keys having letters on them, each one connects you to a different room of the hotel.
Yep! It’s that simple. All you have to do is click the button you want, then speak into the trumpet-shaped mouthpiece and away you go.
Natter … natter … natter … natter … natter!
‘I don’t believe this,’ Dad wheezed, looking like he was somewhere between laughing and crying. ‘Maudlin, are you telling me that we can actually call Abraham?’
‘I am!’ the leprechaun chuckled.
‘Just like that?’ Mum gasped.
‘JUST LIKE THAT!’ Maudlin replied. ‘These handy gizmos connect you straight to the other side in a jiffy. I had one back when I was a lumpling and used to chat to my Aunt Influenza for hours. It’s as easy as stomping on stinkbugs! All we have to do is—’
Without a moment’s thought, she raised her arm above her head and then jammed the skell-a-phone key right into the middle of all the little round buttons on the yell-a-phone. There was a crunch and a squeal as the keys for the harpiery and the mud spa were bent aside, and then a tiny clicking noise as the skull shaped gadget snapped into place.
‘There!’ Maloney said, then folded her arms triumphantly. ‘Got it first time!’
‘So…’ Nancy placed two of her hands on my shoulders from behind and leaned over us. ‘What now?’
‘Now – ’ Maudlin whispered for dramatic effect. I could tell she was enjoying this – ‘we press it. Frankie, would you like to do the honours?’
I jolted with surprise and felt a swooshy mixture of happiness and fear in my belly. I would never have imagined in a squillion years that I’d be making a phone call to my great-great-great-grandad’s ghost when I got up this morning.
‘Yes, go for it, my wee lamb,’ Nancy encouraged me. ‘Give it a tap!’
I looked at Mum and Dad and they both nodded. Then, trying mega-hard to stop my fingers from trembling, I lifted my hand and clicked the skell-a-phone key.
A FAMILY REUNION
We all held our breaths and listened as the skell-a-phone line started crackling.
Even Granny Regurgita stopped shovelling termite trifle into her mouth and gawped.
At first there was nothing but the sound of rushing wind and a kind of distant wailing, until
‘Hellooooooooooooooooooooooo?’ a faint and feeble voice suddenly echoed from the trumpet-shaped thingy that stuck out of the machine. It sounded ghostly and full of sadness. ‘Hellooooooooooooooooooooooo?’
All the hairs on the back of my neck prickled and my arms shivered with goosebumps.
‘It’s a ghoulie! Talk to it, boy!’ Maloney barked at me. ‘Let it know we’re here!’
‘Ummm … Can you hear me?’ I spoke into the mouthpiece. ‘We want to talk to—’
‘Whoooooooo’stheeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrreeeeeeee?’ the echoey voice replied, louder than before.
‘It’s Fra—’
‘BEVERLY, IS THAT YOU? BEVERLY SNIPEGRASS?’ the voice interrupted. ‘THANK GOODNESS!’
‘Erm … no … it’s not Bev—’
‘WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN, BEVERLY? I’VE BEEN WAITING BLUNKING AGES! NEARLY SIXTY YEARS!’
‘My name is Frankie Banister!’ I shouted. ‘Can you hear me?’
‘WHO?’ the ghost-voice asked. ‘WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH BEVERLY?’
‘Beverly’s not here!’
‘WHERE DID SHE GO?’
‘I don’t know,’ I said, glaring at Maudlin for help.
‘We’re trying to reach Abraham Banister.’
‘NO, NOT ABRAHAM BANISTER! ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING? I’M LOOKING FOR BEVERLY SNIPEGRASS!’
‘That’s enough of that, the wisp-witted eejit!’ Maloney jabbed her finger at the skell-a-phone key and clicked it up and down several times. ‘Let’s try again, shall we?’
She released the button and we waited again as the sound of crackling drifted from the machine.
‘Talk, Frankie,’ Maudlin said to me with a wink. ‘It helps the connection.’
I looked into the metal trumpet and tried to imagine my great-great-great-grandad listening on the other end.
‘Hello?’ I said. ‘We want to speak with Abraham Banister. Are you there?’
We waited…
Nothing…
Nothing…
Nothing…
‘Abraham Banister?’ Maudlin joined in with me. ‘Get to the phone, you flutter-brained fool.’
I leaned towards the machine and was about to speak again, when a cheerful sounding voice laughed on the other end of the line.
‘Good gracicles!’ it said. ‘I wasn’t expecting a chattywag at this hour!’
I swear to you, my reader friend, I don’t know how I didn’t fall over with astonishment at that moment. Was I actually talking to Great-Great-Great-Grandad Abraham?
‘Abe, you old goat!’ Maudlin hooted into the yell-a-phone. ‘Is that you?’
‘The very same!’ he replied.
‘It’s Maudlin Maloney here. Remember me? We met when we were both holidaying in Antrim, giant-watching out on the causeway. I borrowed your binoculars, so I did.’
‘Boogle my bunions! It can’t be!’ Abraham said. His voice was warm and friendly-sounding.
‘It is, my friend, it is!’ Maudlin croaked. She seemed just as excited as I was.
‘How lovely to hear from you, Miss Maloney. How can I help you?’
‘Well, I’ve actually got a few people here who’d like to say a skwinkly little hello.’
‘You do?’ Abraham chuckled. ‘Who might that be?’
‘There’s your great-great-great-grandson, Frankie Banister,’ the leprechaun beamed.
‘Well, I never!’ Abraham laughed.
‘HELLO, GRANDAD ABE!’ I yelled far too loudly into the metal trumpet.
‘Good evening, my lad,’ Abe said. ‘You kept the family name? What a marvellous treat!’
‘Nancy’s here,’ Maudlin continued.
‘HELLO, POPPET!’ our spider-chef called, dabbing a handkerchief to the corner of one of her eyes. I sometimes forget that Nancy actually knew Abe when he was alive.
‘Then there’s Frankie’s parents, Rani and Bargeous,’ Maudlin went on, but Mum and Dad were both completely overwhelped and barely managed a quick sobbed response. ‘And Regurgita’s here too!’
We all heard Grandad Abe gasp.
‘My schmoopsy-poo?’ he wheezed. ‘My barnacled beauty? HOW ARE YOU, MY DARLING?’
Granny, who was halfway through emptying a huge bowl of whipped armadillo mousse down her gullet, turned and grunted at us as great blobs of the stuff trickled down her chin.
‘OH, BOG OFF!’ she bellowed. ‘I HAD ENOUGH OF YOU THE FIRST TIME ROUND!’
‘Ah ha! There’s the beauty-tooty I know and love!’ Abe said with a sigh. ‘I wish you could be here, my honey-blossom. Would you believe I’m at a deathly dinner party as we speak, with my good friends, Charles Dickens and Boudicca. It’s a hoot! We were about to enjoy our dearly-departed desserts, but this is way more fun!’
‘Now, Abe, hang on a moment…’ Maudlin interrupted. ‘I’d love to say this is just a cheery-chatty call, but we have some blunking big questions that need answering.’
‘Oh?’
‘You wouldn’t believe the rumpskallious mess that’s been occurinating at the hotel, so you wouldn’t.’
‘Oh, dear!’ Abe’s voice replied. ‘My wonderful hotel! I do hope nothing dreadful has happened to her?’
‘It’s fine, Grandad Abe! The hotel is still in one piece, but we’ve had a right pickle with…’ I don’t know why I paused. ‘With…’
‘With what?’ Abe pleaded. ‘Don’t leave an old ghost in suspense!’
‘We’ve had a right pickle with your son,’ I said, feeling that strange gurgly feeling in my belly again.
‘With … Oculus Nocturne!’
A GHAST FROM THE PAST
Suddenly a ferocious blast of ice-cold wind erupted from behind us, knocking me against the yell-a-phone. I spun around just in time to see Mum and Dad sprawling across the kitchen floor and Maudlin flailing into the corner, narrowly missing the open door to the cellar. Nancy grabbed hold of the stove-front and held on tight, glancing around the room in panic.
In an instant, all the candles on the cake and dotted about the room went out, and I watched in dismay as the shadows swelled, filling the room with an enchanted darkness that even magicals couldn’t see through.
‘What’s going on?’ Granny bellowed from her place at the table, but before anyone could utter a reply, lightning streaked across the ceiling and zig-zagged down the walls.
‘Frankie!’ I heard Mum yell, but I couldn’t see where she was.
‘We need to get out!’ Maudlin cried next. ‘Something’s gone terribly wrong!’
Another blast of frosty wind stung my face and hands, and the air was filled with the deafening roar howling ghostly voices and birds squawking.
‘WHAT HAVE YOU DONE, LEPRECHAUN?!’ Granny roared.
‘I DON’T KNOW!’ Maloney shrieked. ‘GET OUTTA HERE! I THINK WE’VE CONJURED SOMETHING FROM THE OTHER WORLD!’
I tried to run to where I thought the kitchen door was, but my feet seemed to be frozen to the ground and I shivered uncontrollably as more and more gusts of blisteringly cold air toppled chairs and smashed plates in the blackness.
‘LOOK!’ It was Nancy’s voice.
I twisted my head and caught sight of a brilliant twinkle of green light that sparked into view on the opposite side of the room. Its dazzling glow shimmered and flickered, and I could just make out my mum and dad huddled together with Nancy as it glistened.
Then…
Without any warning, the glowing orb… blinked! My breath felt like it had been squeezed out of my lungs as I realised I was looking at a single green eyeball, burning in the darkness.
It glared around the room, then stopped and fixed its gaze on me.
‘P-p-please don’t hurt us,’ I stammered, my skin prickling with horror.
It blinked again then changed colour as a second one appeared next to it. Suddenly I was looking into a pair of deep blue eyes.
‘Hurt you?’ a voice chuckled in the gloom. ‘HA! What fun and nonsense!’
My whole body jolted with a mixture of alarm and relief, and I quickly felt the urge to burst into tears. The voice was kind and pleasant sounding, just like … GRANDAD ABE!
Slowly, more twinkling lights started to flicker in the shadows, and… I wasn’t sure, but as they glimmered, I thought I could make out the faint shape of a human figure standing there, next to the table. Its outline glistened delicately as the light spread around it like smoke … and . . . maybe I was going bonkers, but I swear it was waving!
‘G… G… Grandad?’
‘Good evening, young chap!’ the thing in the dark replied with a laugh. ‘It’s me!’
‘Abraham?’ Maudlin grunted. ‘What are you doing here? It was only supposed to be a skell-a-phone call.’
‘You scared me halfway to Timbukthree!’ Nancy heaved, clutching her four hands to her chest.
‘Ha ha! Surprise!’ My great-great-great-grandad shone into full view as the enchanted darkness filling the room returned to the regular kind. ‘Goodness, look at your faces. Anyone would think you’d seen a ghost!’
I goggled in shock at the elderly spook with his bald head and curly moustache.
‘Ah, it feels simply terrific to be back,’ he beamed. ‘Honkhumptious! It’s like I never left!’
With that, he turned to where Granny Regurgita was gawping with the face of someone who’d just swallowed a wasps’ nest.
‘There’s my schmoopsy-poo,’ he tittered, holding out his arms for a hug. ‘How about a little smooch?’
CURIOUS GUESTS
‘BLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGHH HHHHHH!’
Granny Regurgita smashed straight through the kitchen door, taking half the wall with it.
The last thing we saw was her massive silhouette sprinting like a bull with bellyache towards reception and a cloud of cement and brick dust swirling around her.
‘BLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGHH HHHHHH!’
‘Hmmm . . . that was a little unexpected,’ Abraham stammered after a moment of silence. He looked at us with a mixture of bewilderment and amusement. Like this was something Granny did quite regularly back when he was alive. ‘Do you think we should pursue?’
By the time we’d hurried to the foyer and turned the corner under the archway, rumours and whispers had spread from room to room, and every guest staying with us was now bustling about in the reception hall, gossiping and asking questions.
Granny had torn through the crowd, scattering guests left and right, and was hiding behind my Great-Great-Aunt Zennifer’s statue, peeking out like a kiddling playing hide-and-seek.
‘BOG OFF AND DON’T EVER COME BACK!’ she bellowed when she spotted us entering reception. ‘I MEAN IT!’
‘Oh, goodness!’ Mum said as we walked further into the enormous room and a sea of nosy faces with wide-eyed expressions turned to greet us. ‘Evening!’
‘DON’T COME NEAR ME!’ Regurgita wailed, making the guests chatter excitedly. ‘I’LL BLURGLE IF HE TRIES ANYTHING SMOOCHERISH!’
I still felt dizzy with surprise at who had just appeared in our kitchen, but I already knew I wasn’t going to let my howling hippopotamus of a granny ruin this moment. How often do you get to meet a great-great-great-relative after all?
‘Hello, everyone!’ Dad said, smiling excitedly from beneath the archway.
‘Never mind all your hello-ing, Mr Banister!’ Madame McCreedie, the banshee, croaked from the middle of the crowd. She licked her crusty lips hungrily. ‘Hurry now! The wallpaper’s been whispering about a new arrival. What’s here and is it edible?’
‘Is it disgusterous?’ shouted an over-excited impolump, his trunk-nose twitching this way and that.
‘Wath it a denthitht?’ called the Molar Sisters (triplet tooth fairies with extremely bad teeth, named Dentina, Gingiva and Fluora) in unison. ‘Pleath thay it wath! We could uthe a good dentitht jutht now!’
