Earthlings, page 4
“Natsuki, are you going to the fireworks display? You’ll wear yukata, won’t you?”
“Yes, that’s what I’m thinking.”
“Shall we go look at new ones together? I saw one with a really cute goldfish pattern.”
Everyone was enjoying the summer vacation, but it was still really fun to spend time with classmates again. The classroom was buzzing with the incessant chattering and laughing of twenty or so children.
“Quiet now, everyone!” The door opened, and Mr. Igasaki came in.
“Yay!” Shizuka said happily.
Mr. Igasaki looked just like a member of a popular boys’ band, so all the girls loved him. And not only was he good-looking, but also his classes were known for being easy to follow and interesting.
“Natsuki, I have to make some more printouts after class. Will you stay behind to help me?”
“Yes.”
Mr. Igasaki was always asking me to help him with things. That day, too, when Shizuka said goodbye a little jealously, I was again left alone in the classroom with him.
“You’re doing so much better at social studies now, Natsuki,” Mr. Igasaki said.
“Yes,” I said and nodded. I really wanted to improve my capability as a “work tool,” so I was studying hard.
He stroked my head. Even after he removed his hand, my skin still prickled under my hair.
“Your posture is really bad, Natsuki,” he said. His hand came up inside the hem of my shirt and rubbed my back directly on my skin. “See, that’s how you sit up straight. If you don’t do that, you’ll end up getting stiff shoulders, you know.”
“Yes.” I stretched my back as much as I could trying to get away from his hand.
“There, that’s much better. Now hold your belly button in too.” His hand started moving around to the front, and I hastily twisted my body away. “What’s wrong? I’m trying to teach you how to have a good posture, right? I can’t do that unless you behave.”
“Yes.”
His hand brushed over my bra. I sat rigidly upright not saying anything.
“There, that’s better.”
Finally he took his hand away, but the tension didn’t leave my body.
I was just leaving to go home when he said, “Natsuki, you know, you should wear white knickers, not dark pink ones. Boys shouldn’t see them, and they shouldn’t show through your clothes either.”
“Okay.”
I picked up my bag and pedaled my bicycle as fast as I could to get home.
Mr. Igasaki often warned me about the color of my underwear. That’s why I wore a black shirt, but it seemed that still wasn’t good enough.
It’s really hard to put into words things that are just a little bit not okay.
I had the feeling that Mr. Igasaki was a little bit not okay.
I’d been in his class since going up to the fifth grade and starting the regular course at the cram school, and he’d always been like that.
But maybe I was imagining it. It was unlikely anyone as good-looking as him would be interested in an elementary schoolgirl like me. I was probably just being uptight.
I caught sight of someone waving as I sped along on my bicycle.
When I looked closer, I saw that it was Miss Shinozuka, my homeroom teacher.
“Good evening, Miss Shinozuka.”
“Oh, Natsuki, how come you’re out so late?”
“I’m on my way home from cram school.”
“Oh, I suppose that’s okay, then.”
Miss Shinozuka was middle-aged, and everyone called her the Raving Mad Hag because her chin jutted out and she was always getting hysterical and going on and on. She was a bit like my sister in the way everyone laughed at her behind her back.
“Oh, and by the way, Natsuki, I’ve just been doing the grading, and you did really well on the last test.”
“I did? Really?”
“You never used to be very good at arithmetic, did you? But you did very well this time.”
I was pleased. Miss Shinozuka might be prone to hysterical outbursts, but when you got good marks she was really kind.
“You’re slow doing sums, but if you just take your time and avoid making silly mistakes, your marks will improve, you know.”
“Thank you, Miss Shinozuka!”
Miss Shinozuka rarely got thanked by pupils. When I thanked her so eagerly she responded cheerfully, “Being studious is a good thing, you know.”
I had never been given any affirmation at home, so I was hungry for praise. When I was complimented, even on a whim by a hysterical teacher, my chest grew hot, and for some reason I felt like crying.
I wanted to study harder and become the sort of child that grown-ups found useful. Then, even if I was worthless, maybe I wouldn’t be thrown out. I didn’t know how to live in the wild, so if I was kicked out I would inevitably die of hunger.
“I’ll try even harder!” I said fervently.
Miss Shinozuka looked a bit taken aback. “Well, yes, it is good to try your best,” she said and then waved goodbye. “You take care now.”
Everyone also called Miss Shinozuka an ugly old spinster who’d missed the boat. There was a rumor that she fancied Mr. Akimoto, the sports teacher—as if he would take interest in someone like her, they sneered.
Grown-ups had it tough, too, I thought. Miss Shinozuka functioned well enough as one of society’s tools, but maybe she wasn’t functioning properly as one of society’s reproductive organs.
She was in the position of educating me and ruled over me, but at the same time she herself was also being judged as a tool of society. But at least once you were able to buy food for yourself, you didn’t need to worry about being thrown away.
I set off for home once again. In my bag I had a new homework printout. I wanted to finish it quickly, study harder, and get closer to being once of society’s components.
I sat in my bedroom looking at the calendar. Today was the last day of summer vacation. On the calendar I’d noted “347 days to go.”
Only eighteen days had passed since we’d welcomed the ancestors for Obon. I wouldn’t be able to see Yuu again for 347 days.
Our love kept me going. When I thought of the bond between us, it was as though I was anesthetized. I didn’t feel any pain.
I wished I were an alien, like Yuu. Yuu and I were the same in that we were both living as parasites on our families, but I couldn’t even say I was an alien.
I sat down at my desk and started studying. I wanted to be able to buy my own food as soon as possible. To achieve that aim I would do whatever society required of me.
When I went through to the living room, Mom looked exhausted.
“Mom, shall I make dinner tonight?”
“No,” she answered without even turning around. “Don’t go poking your nose in where you’re not wanted.”
“But you look so tired. We learned how to make curry at—”
“I said no. If you start meddling, you’ll just end up making more work for me. Try and be a good girl now.”
She was right. I was being pushy. From my family’s perspective I was worthless, so it was presumptuous of me to try to do anything positive. It took all my effort just to remain at my zero level without becoming a minus.
“You’re always the same, all talk, even though you can’t do anything.”
Mom always told me off when she was irritable. She wasn’t telling me off for my own good but because she needed a punching bag. By hitting me with her words not her hands, she regained her composure.
Mom had a part-time job, and she was fulfilling her role as one of society’s reproductive organs by raising me and my sister. Of course such a worthy person as her would get tired!
“Our entire family has to put up with you,” she muttered to me, and I supposed she was right.
I clenched my fists. This was a magical power I had recently learned. By gripping my thumbs, I could make darkness inside my hands. If I did it well, I could make the darkness inside my hands so black that it was almost the color of outer space.
I liked looking at the universe inside my hands. If I got really good at it I thought, I could teach Yuu how to do it next summer.
“What are you grinning at now? You’re disgusting!” Mom shouted.
It was dumpster time.
I went back to my room. The sooner I could stop being a hindrance and become a useful tool for society, the better. If I learned lots of magical powers, maybe I could even be of some benefit to society.
I opened up my magical transformation mirror and looked at myself. After concentrating a while, I got the feeling that I’d managed to transform just a little.
Suddenly I felt invincible. I stood up, went over to my desk, and focused on my homework.
Maybe because of my magical power, the work went fast. It felt as though there was a glow emanating from within my hand as it gripped the pencil.
Soon enough it was April, and I moved up to the sixth grade. Summer was steadily approaching. My calendar countdown of the days until I could see Yuu was finally down to two digits. I was elated at the thought I’d be seeing him again soon.
My sister asked me to go buy her some stuff from the drugstore where Mom worked. I was looking for eyedrops for my sister’s sty when I caught sight of Mom at the far end of the store. She wasn’t a qualified pharmacist. She just did things like shelf stocking.
I was just about to go over to ask her where to find the eyedrops, when a young woman behind the cash register shouted, “Not those, Mrs. Sasamoto! You’re supposed to be doing the shampoos.” Mom pulled an irritable face and headed to the back of the store.
“Godzilla Sasamoto’s such a pain in the neck,” the woman muttered.
I started. For a moment I thought she was referring to me.
“Yeah, what a grouch. Blows up at the slightest thing. Such a drag,” another young woman counting money at the other cash register said with a sigh.
Oh, so it was Mom they were talking about.
So my sister was Miss Neanderthal and Mom was Godzilla. Was it to do with their mother-daughter blood connection, I wondered.
I ended up rushing out of the store without buying the eyedrops. When I turned back to look, Mom was just coming back out into the store in a foul mood. She really did look as though she could explode at any moment.
It was the end of the class, and I was just about to leave when Mr. Igasaki called me back.
It had been quite some time since he’d last done that. We hadn’t been alone just the two of us at all since I’d entered sixth grade, and I’d begun to wonder whether I’d mistaken his intentions. I felt ashamed of having been so paranoid.
I followed him back into the empty classroom.
“I wanted to ask you about this,” he said and placed something on top of his desk.
It was a small white package wrapped in toilet tissue.
At first I didn’t know what it was. When I looked closer, I saw blood and realized that it was a sanitary napkin. The pink wings were familiar.
“Natsuki, you threw this away in the bathroom earlier.”
I was speechless.
It was true. I was on my period. I had gone to the girls’ restroom during the break and had thrown a napkin away in the triangular corner bin in the toilet. How had Mr. Igasaki known it was mine?
“As a teacher in this school, Natsuki, it is my job to teach my pupils about this sort of thing alongside regular lessons. You haven’t disposed of this properly. Look, some blood has seeped through here, see? You have to wrap it better. I’ll show you how to do it.”
He wrapped my sanitary napkin in some tissue paper that was on the desk.
“Look, if you do it like this it stays clean. That’s better for the cleaners, isn’t it?”
“Yes . . .”
“Okay, now you do it.”
“What?”
He smiled at me gently, as always. “You can practice it now. I’ll watch and make sure you’re doing it right.”
“Uh . . . now?”
“Yes, you have a fresh one with you, don’t you? Change the one you’re wearing.”
I stood there unable to speak.
“It’s like I always say in class, isn’t it,” he said encouragingly. “Whenever you learn something new, you have to practice it! This is just the same. Is there anything strange about that?”
“No, but—”
“Come on, hurry up and do it before the next class starts. The junior high school students will be coming in soon,” he urged me.
I slowly took my pouch out of my bag. Raising my skirt, I pulled down my knickers, doing my best not to let him see anything. They were the beige knickers I used when I had my period.
With trembling fingers I pulled the napkin off my knickers and wrapped it in the tissue paper on the teacher’s desk, then put a fresh napkin on my knickers.
“There, that’s much better.”
I stiffened, thinking he was about to stroke my head.
I put the used napkin into my pouch and said, “Thank you,” bowing my head to avoid his hand.
“You’re a good, obedient girl, Natsuki. Children like you can be good at studying. Make sure you listen well to what I tell you.”
“Yes.”
“Well, then, I’ll see you next week. The math homework is a bit tough, but if you don’t understand something you can ask for my help anytime.”
I nodded and fled the classroom.
Magical powers. I have to summon my magical powers. The power of darkness, the power of wind—any magical power will do, but I need something. I have to use my magical powers on my whole body before my heart feels anything.
I ran into the house and washed my hands.
The napkin I had just placed between my legs was twisted. Blood was pouring out of my body. I felt as though I was being watched by Mr. Igasaki.
“What’s up with you? Not even saying hello when you come home,” Mom said, coming over to me.
I didn’t know what to say and swallowed my words.
“Oh look, you have a bruise on your knee. Did you bump into something on your bike?” Mom said, unusually gently. She bent down looking anxious.
Maybe if I try telling her now, I thought.
I needed magic to summon my courage. Silently I chanted a spell, then opened my trembling lips.
“Mom, I . . . the teacher . . .”
“What about the teacher?”
“Mr. Igasaki at cram school, he’s weird. He has been for a long time, but today he was really weird.”
“What do you mean by ‘weird’?”
“Well, he’s touched my body before now, to correct my posture he said. And today he told me off for the way I use sanitary napkins.”
Lines appeared between Mom’s eyebrows, and her mood began to turn ugly. “What are you talking about? You only get told off because you do something wrong.”
“No, it’s not that. He’s weird. Strange. Like . . . not normal. When he corrected my posture he didn’t just touch my back, he touched my breasts too.”
Somehow I just couldn’t properly explain the atmosphere Mr. Igasaki had about him when he was being weird.
“You’ve always had bad posture. I’m constantly warning you about it too. I can’t believe you’re making out your teacher’s a pervert just because he told you off. You’ve got some nerve!”
“No, honestly, he was being weird.”
“Of course he wasn’t. It’s not as if a teacher would take any interest in a child with an undeveloped body like yours. It’s only because you’ve got a filthy mind that you would think that. You’re the dirty one, not him,” she spat, and suddenly I couldn’t get any more words to come out. “Where did you learn about that sort of thing? What a horrible child. You should be using your time to study, not thinking about things like that!”
I felt something burst on top of my head. Mom stood glaring at me with a slipper in her hand.
“Answer your mother!”
“Okay.”
Mom had never hit me really seriously like that before. I felt a switch inside me click off. I couldn’t feel anything in my heart. The pain had gone, as if I was under anesthetic.
“You totally flunked that last test of yours, didn’t you? I swear that head of yours is empty. Isn’t it? Isn’t it?”
She thwacked me on the head with the slipper again.
“Yes, you’re right. I’m sorry.”
My mouth kept repeating the words Mom wanted over and over like a spell.
Yes, you’re right. I’m sorry. Yes, you’re right. I’m sorry. Yes, you’re right. I’m sorry. Yes, you’re right. I’m sorry. Yes, you’re right. I’m sorry. Yes, you’re right. I’m sorry. Yes, you’re right. I’m sorry. Yes, you’re right. I’m sorry. Yes, you’re right. I’m sorry. Yes, you’re right. I’m sorry. Yes, you’re right. I’m sorry. Yes, you’re right. I’m sorry. Yes, you’re right. I’m sorry. Yes, you’re right. I’m sorry. Yes, you’re right. I’m sorry. Yes, you’re right. I’m sorry. Yes, you’re right. I’m sorry. Yes, you’re right. I’m sorry. Yes, you’re right. I’m sorry.
Please don’t throw me out. I’ll listen and obey whatever you say, just please don’t throw me out. A child thrown out by adults will die. Please don’t kill me.
The words tumbled wretchedly from my mouth over and over, deliriously, like a spell, an incantation.
I must use my magical powers to stay alive. I must become empty. I must obey.
The homework from cram school was stuffed into my bag at my feet. Yes, I had to get on with studying. I had to study hard, become the sort of child that pleased adults and eventually the sort of adult that pleased other adults.
Mom had gotten herself so worked up she kept hitting me with the slipper, on my face, on my head, on my neck, on my back. The switch in my heart was off, so I didn’t feel anything. I held my breath waiting for time to pass. I shut myself up in a pod, like a time capsule in the earth, and held myself absolutely still, barely managing to take my life forward into the future.
