Autumn Dreams at Mermaids Point, page 13
Alex gave his shoulder a final quick squeeze, then padded away on bare feet towards the stairs.
Resolving to not let his complicated feelings about Archie spoil what might be the last time the kids saw him for a while, Tom knocked on Emily’s door. ‘Hey, sweetheart. Do you need anything?’ When she didn’t answer, Tom knocked again. ‘Em?’ Still nothing. Deciding she probably had her earphones in to try and block out the racket from downstairs – it hadn’t escaped Tom’s attention that the game’s volume had snuck back up while he’d been in the shower – he turned the handle and opened her bedroom door, knocking again as he did so. Expecting to find her in her favourite position, lying on her back with her feet propped up on the wall over her headboard, Tom was surprised to see her bed was empty – the quilt as neat and smooth as when she’d made it that morning. He stepped inside to find her perched on the deep windowsill of her bay window, arms curled around her bent knees, Anna’s old blanket draped over her shoulders. ‘Em?’
Refusing to look at him, she shook her head. ‘Go away.’
Now what? The last thing either of them needed was a confrontation ahead of what would be a very stressful few days, so Tom opted for something neutral and stuck to his original reason for knocking on her door. ‘I just wanted to let you know I’m back and to see if you wanted a drink.’ She shook her head again. ‘Okay, well, we’ll be downstairs when you’re ready to come down.’
Feeling like he’d failed her yet again, Tom was almost out the room when she spoke.
‘It’s that easy for you, is it?’ Her words were full of venom and accusation and froze him to the spot.
‘What on earth are you talking about?’
Half-turning on the windowsill, Emily waved her arms in an all-encompassing gesture. ‘This! Leaving this house, leaving Mum behind.’
Oh, shit. The kids had seemed to be coping so well, fired up and excited for the move to Mermaids Point, so he’d thought it best not to raise the subject of Anna and what they’d be leaving behind. He’d had some second – and even third – thoughts about the wisdom of taking them away from everything that was familiar, but Max especially had been excited about the prospect of starting at a new school, and had already begun making a playlist on his phone for the daily bus ride. ‘No, sweetheart. Nothing about this is easy.’ Crossing the room, he settled on the floor beneath where she was perched. ‘Your mum and I spent almost every day of our married life in this house, of course it’s breaking my heart to leave.’
‘Then why are you making us go?’ She started crying then. The sobs ripped through Tom like the blade of a knife.
‘I… I thought it would make it easier for all of us, you and Max especially, not to be surrounded by all the sad memories. I thought if we were in a new place we’d find it easier to remember the happy times we all shared.’
‘You want us to forget about her – don’t lie to me! I’m not a child,’ Emily said, sounding exactly that. ‘Pop said so!’
Fucking hell. What had his dad said now?
Reaching up, Tom grasped Emily’s hand, clinging on when she tried to shake him off. ‘Look at me.’ He tightened his grip, tugging on her hand to be sure he had her full attention. When she turned sullen, accusatory eyes on him, he lessened his hold and stroked the back of her hand with his thumb. ‘I loved your mother more than it should be possible to love another person. I still love her, still think about her, and miss her every second of every day. Wherever we go, wherever we live, I will carry her and my love for her in my heart. Always. So will you. So will Max. She’s what made us, us, sweetheart. She’s the jam and cream and we’re the sponge cake. She filled us up and made life sweet and special and perfect.’
‘Then why don’t you ever talk about her?’ Emily sobbed. ‘You never say anything!’
‘Because it’s too bloody hard.’ Tom hung his head, fighting back tears of his own. ‘I look at you and I see her in the curve of your cheek, the way your hair shines like spun gold in the sunlight. I hear her in Max’s laugh. She’s in every breath I take until sometimes it’s too hard to breathe. And I’m sorry. I’m sorry she’s gone and you are stuck with me and I’m so useless and I can’t find the right words to help you through this because I’m still struggling to navigate it myself. I’m so sad, Em, all the damn time and it’s exhausting. I just wanted us all to feel a bit less sad, and I thought moving away might help us to do that.’
Still crying, Emily slid from the windowsill and down into his lap, a tangle of arms and legs and cornfield gold hair. ‘You should’ve told me. You should’ve said something, I would’ve helped you.’
‘It’s not your job, sweetheart.’ Tom held her close, pressing kisses to the top of her head, his own eyes swimming with tears. ‘Shh. Shh. Don’t cry, sweet Em, I can’t bear it.’ He rocked her in his arms the way he used to when she was tiny.
‘I’m sorry,’ he murmured when her sobs quietened.
Nodding, she pulled back a little to dig in her pocket for a tissue. ‘It’s okay.’
‘No. It’s not. I thought I was protecting you, but I’ve been protecting myself instead. I promise I’ll try harder to be more open with you. You’re growing up before my eyes, sweetheart, give an old man a chance to catch up with that fact.’
She smiled – a bit wobbly around the edges, but a proper smile. ‘You are a bit slow on the uptake, sometimes.’
‘Cheeky.’ He kissed her temple. ‘Look, Em, none of this is too late to stop, you know? Just say the word and we’ll forget about the whole thing. I know things were difficult at school, but now everyone’s had a chance to calm down over the summer break it’ll be a different atmosphere next term.’ He touched her cheek. ‘You didn’t do anything wrong so don’t feel like your friends won’t still be your friends over one silly thing.’
She fiddled with the balled-up tissue in her hand before lifting her eyes to meet his. ‘What if I still want to go? Does that make me a bad person for wanting to get away from everything too?’
‘No.’ Tom gathered her close, something settling inside as he realised some of the accusations she’d thrown at him might be her trying to deal with her own guilt about wanting to move on. ‘Like I said, Mum will be with us wherever we go. We’ll keep her safe in our hearts.’
Emily sat up once more and placed a hand on his cheek. ‘I don’t want you to be sad all the time, Daddy.’
Leaning forward he pressed a quick kiss to her forehead. ‘I don’t want you to be sad all the time either.’
‘Then we’ll both have to try,’ she said, leaning in to rest her head against his shoulder.
Out of the mouths of babes, he thought. ‘Yes. Yes, we will.’
It took a couple of hours, but he finally persuaded his father they still had work to do and the kids, particularly Max who was hyper after playing his game, needed a bit of time to relax. He escorted Archie to his car, placing a hand against the door when his father would’ve pulled it open. ‘What did you say to Emily earlier, Pop? She was really upset.’
Archie pulled at the cuffs of his shirt, not meeting Tom’s eyes as he said, ‘Nothing.’ When Tom turned to lean his weight against the car, his father sighed. ‘All I said was it’d do you good to forget about everything and move on with your life.’
Tom had honestly thought Emily had misheard, or at least misinterpreted, what he’d said, but it looked like he owed her a mental apology. ‘What were you thinking?’
Archie fiddled with his keys before shoving them in his pocket. ‘What? It’s true. I’m sick of the sight of you moping around the place, and it’s not good for the children to see you making such a meal of it. Anna’s gone, boy.’
‘You think I don’t know that!’ Tom snapped. He cast a quick glance to where he’d left the front door ajar, then forced himself to lower his voice. ‘Not all of us can walk away without a backward glance and start a new life.’
‘Is that what you think happened?’ Archie reached for the handle and pulled against Tom’s weight trying to open his door. ‘All these years and you still haven’t got a bloody clue what the truth is. Poor Tom, always the victim, always the one who suffers.’ He yanked again on the door, clearly furious, though Tom had no idea how on earth he thought he could be in the right about any of this.
Still, he yielded his spot and let Archie get into the car before he responded in a hoarse voice. ‘I know what happened Pop, I was there.’
‘You only think you know what happened because you still see everything through the eyes of the child you were at the time. I thought things would change over the years, particularly once you were married yourself, but no. You had the perfect mother and then the perfect wife and the perfect marriage with two perfect kids and so you never took off those rose-tinted spectacles. Now, move your car, I’m going home!’ Archie slammed the car door closed, almost catching Tom’s fingers.
He jumped back out of the way, absolutely floored by the litany of accusations spilling from Archie’s mouth. The car engine started, and Archie glared at him through the closed window. Not knowing what else to do, Tom fished his keys out of his pocket and quickly backed his car out of the way so Archie could reverse out. As soon as the driveway was clear, he pulled back in and parked, only realising Archie’s big Jaguar was stationary in the road once he’d got back out. The car window slid down and he met his dad’s gaze. The anger was gone and for the first time Tom realised how old he looked. ‘Pop, come back inside so we can sort this out.’
Archie shook his head. ‘I need to get home. Philippa and I have a dinner reservation at the club.’ He stared at Tom for a long moment before his shoulders heaved up and down under the weight of a sigh. ‘You always were one for dwelling on the past, Tom. You’ve got so much life left to live, but if you’re not careful you’ll waste it obsessing over what should have been instead of embracing what might yet be.’
15
Three days later and Tom was regretting ever hearing the words Mermaids and Point. He’d never liked chaos and disorganisation, and at the moment that was what every waking moment consisted of. He’d even suffered his first anxiety dream since those early awful weeks after losing Anna, managing to wake Alex, who’d been snoring away in the second double bed of the chain motel they’d booked into, to break their journey from London. As a result, they were both even more tired and grumpy with each other than the already stressful moving process warranted.
‘No, no, turn it the other way,’ Tom snapped as Alex all but crushed him against the wall.
‘I can’t turn it the other way,’ Alex said through gritted teeth. ‘There’s no bloody room because you insisted we move the chest of drawers first.’
He had a point, but Tom was damned if he would admit it. ‘Put your end down then and we’ll try and pivot it from this side.’
‘Pivot it how?’
‘I’ll pivot you in a minute. Stop asking stupid questions and get round here.’
‘Tom?’ Nerissa’s voice echoed up the stairs, interrupting what threatened to be all-out war between them.
God, if one more person asked him one more bloody question, he was going to throw himself into the sea. Taking a deep breath, he ignored the evil glare Alex was sending him from the other side of the bed they were wrestling with and called out, ‘In Emily’s room.’
They’d just about manoeuvred the heavy frame to the correct spot beneath the window when Nerissa appeared in the doorway, a little out of breath from running up the stairs. ‘There you are! Sorry, the removal guys want to know where you want the sofa and armchairs putting.’
It was on the tip of his tongue to say he didn’t care, but given they’d already had to rearrange most of Emily’s furniture not ten minutes after the movers had humped it up the stairs, he quickly decided that wasn’t true. ‘Thanks, I’ll be right down.’
She nodded, sending the ends of the scarf she’d tied around her hair floating about her neck. It was a red one today, with big white polka dots, and matched the red T-shirt she was wearing. There was a smudge of dirt on her left cheek and her faded jeans had dark stains down the front as though she’d wiped her hands on them. She looked as tired as he felt, but still found a smile as she said, ‘Hang in there, they’re nearly done.’
It was true. The van was well over three-quarters empty. Funny considering how long it had taken them to load it up. He’d heard them talking over a cigarette break about staying in the local pub, so perhaps the thought of a pint or two had given them added impetus.
‘And then all we’ll have to do is unpack all the boxes,’ Alex said with forced merriment. ‘What fun!’
Nerissa grinned. ‘I can tell which one of you is the joker of the family. I’m going to make a cup of tea if anyone wants one?’
Alex fell to his knees at her feet. ‘You are truly a goddess made flesh. I’ll have a coffee, black, three sugars and in return I pledge you my undying devotion.’
‘Idiot.’ She was laughing now. ‘Cup of tea, Tom?’
He wanted to blow her a kiss at the prospect of a piping hot cuppa to chase away the dusty, dry feeling in his mouth and throat but settled for a nod, worried she might take it the wrong way. ‘Please.’ He waited until she’d left the room before nudging Alex none-to-gently with his foot. ‘You shouldn’t flirt with her.’
Alex sat back on his haunches, an unrepentant grin on his face. ‘Why? She’s gorgeous, sexy and single – just like me.’ He pushed to his feet, stepping a little closer into Tom’s space. ‘Or is she the real reason you’ve been so gung-ho about moving here?’
‘Nerissa is an employee – nothing more,’ Tom snapped.
Rolling his eyes, Alex held up his hands. ‘Christ, Tom, it was a joke. We all know you’re never going to get over Anna. I’ll go and help Nerissa with the drinks.’
Tom stared in disbelief at his brother’s retreating back, wondering what the hell was wrong with everyone. First his dad, and now Alex all but accusing him of – what? Spending too much time grieving for his wife? Was there a prescribed timetable for these things, because if so, no one had bothered to tell him about it.
‘Can someone tell us where this sofa is going?’ The impatient shout from downstairs told him he didn’t have time to dwell on it now. He’d catch up with Alex later, once things had calmed down, and find out what was going on.
Having sorted out the layout of the lounge – subject to change once the kids started moaning about not being able to see the TV properly from their favourite seats – Tom directed the movers to dump the last few boxes in one of the two empty surgery rooms. The practice had clearly been designed for several doctors to share, but from the looks of it, neither of them had ever been used.
Satisfied they were happy to be left to get on with it, Tom headed into the kitchen to find not only his, but the rest of Nerissa’s family crowded into the room, half a dozen different conversations on the go at once. Alex was leaning against the wall near the back door, his shoulder a little too close to Nerissa’s for Tom’s liking. He’d been serious when he told Alex not to flirt with her. Since his break-up with Jo, Alex had lurched from one bed to another, which was his own business as far as Tom was concerned, but there was no way he was going to treat Nerissa like that.
‘Here he is! Shove over, lad, and let Tom get at his tea,’ Andrew Morgan boomed from next to the kettle, where he was overseeing the filling of an array of mismatched mugs, none of which Tom recognised. He’d met the big, burly man in passing on his visit to the Point, but the way Andrew was beaming at him now, it was like they’d been friends for years.
Accepting the mug Andrew offered him, Tom read the slogan on its side – ‘It takes work to be this pretty’ – and grinned. ‘I’ll take that as a compliment.’
‘What’s that?’ Andrew caught sight of the mug he’d given him and laughed. ‘That’s one of Nick’s. Laurie bought it for him for his birthday years back. We thought the last thing you’d want was a mountain of washing up, so we brought enough for everyone. We’ll take them all home afterwards.’
‘Thanks.’ Tom found space to prop himself against the wall and watched Andrew and the young man he assumed to be Nick make short work of dishing out the drinks. He certainly had the family look about him, with the same dark curls they all sported, apart from Sylvia whose poker-straight red hair was cut into a neat bob.
Once everyone had a mug in their hands, Andrew came to stand next to Tom. ‘Hope you don’t mind us descending on you like this. Thought you might need a hand with the unpacking and what-have-you.’
‘It’s great,’ Tom said before taking a cautious sip of his tea. He was absolutely parched, and the almost too-hot liquid soothed his throat and lifted his spirits nearly as much as their surprise guests. ‘The more the merrier.’
‘That’s what Sylvia thought.’ Andrew nodded to where his wife was sitting at the kitchen table, Emily and Max on either side of her. She was telling them a story, if her expansive hand gestures and their rapt expressions were anything to go by. ‘We’ve got the barbecue and a cold box full of food in the car. Didn’t think you’d feel like trying to cook tonight, and it promises to be a lovely evening, too nice to be cooped up inside. Oh, and some beer,’ he added with a grin.
‘And I thought this cup of tea was good.’ Tom laughed. ‘Honestly, it’s so kind of you, I can’t tell you how much I appreciate it.’ And he really did. Though he understood their familial connection to Nerissa, there weren’t many who’d put themselves out for a stranger to this extent.
‘Well, we appreciate you for giving Nerissa a bit of stability.’ Andrew cast a fond look across the room at his younger sister. ‘She’s never complained, of course, but Doc’s given her the runaround for a while now.’
‘Can’t be easy on him, giving up after all these years.’ Though Tom had been frustrated with Malcolm for letting things slide for too long – especially the issue of his own health – he liked what he knew of the man and he’d served his community well for many years.
