Loving Sarah, page 30
part #3 of The Caversham Chronicles Series
CHAPTER NINETEEN
Sarah rose and went to the man she hoped her husband would forgive for his past cruelties and abuses toward Ian and his family. Holding out an arm, she supported him as she led him to the bench she’d just vacated.
The man hobbled slowly. He was frail, his skin had a translucent gray pallor. Frankly, he’d seen dead men who looked better than his grandfather at that moment. His oft-repaired serviceable clothing appeared far too large for his skeletal frame, and with the wheezing sounds he made, Sarah wondered if he’d even live to see another week.
This truly was his last wish, just as he’d said when he’d arrived.
“What is he doing here?” Her husband’s voice was filled with venomous hatred that had been stewing inside him for many years. His rigid stance showed no compassion. Sarah was surprised at Ian’s vitriol toward his grandfather, even after seeing his morbid condition.
“I invited him to stay the summer with us.” She would have to set the ground rules now for them both. “Your grandfather is a guest in our home, Ian, and you will be kind to him.”
“You’re named after me you know.” The old man sat on the bench. “Ian Alexander. I might have been angry with your father for marrying beneath him, but I knew all along he’d be the son to give me the first heir to the title.” The old man held Ian’s attention. “Your uncle and I were similarly afflicted, you see.”
Sarah didn’t know what his affliction was, but the most important thing she wanted to have happen right now was to get Ian to see the old earl was harmless and held none of the control over his life that Ian had imagined.
“Then it’s no wonder my father left the home,” Ian spewed. “He likely feared catching your ‘affliction’ as well.”
“Ian!” Sarah felt her cheeks flame for her husband’s rude behavior. “My lord, I am sorry….”
“Bah!” The old earl brushed off Ian’s words. “I deserve some of his hostility, but he’ll have to hear me out now because I’m going nowhere until he does.” He then looked up at Ian who still leaned against the post. “Take the gloves off lad, come on. I am old, near death, and cannot do you a bit of harm.”
“Sarah,” —she lifted her gaze to Ian— “if I promise not to kill him, will you leave us?” The only reason she might consider it was because Ian’s stance was less defensive now and more guarded.
“I will do what your grandfather wishes.”
The old man gave a slight, almost imperceptible, nod of agreement. “You might not wish to hear it all, lass.”
“Ian, do not hurt him,” His wife whispered harshly to him as he held her elbow and escorted her down the finely graveled path to the glass doors that opened to an interior hallway of the home he’d yet to see. “He’s your grandfather and he wants to reconcile with you before he dies. It is his final wish. Do not disrespect him.”
He wanted to choke on that. Sweet, innocent Sarah had no idea what a cruel man her grandfather could be. Ian needed to hear him out and do whatever was necessary to get him out of this house.
After the door was firmly closed behind her, he walked back to where the old man sat upon the bench. He’d grown dramatically thinner and much older in the ten years since Ian had last seen him. Ian was willing to even acknowledge that the man might, indeed, be ill. If that was the case, then he did likely risk his health traveling here.
He returned to the post and leaned against it again, rather than sit next to the old man. “Did my father know of your affliction, as you call it? Because I’m trying to imagine the agony he felt knowing he was dying and that the only male family member he had to send his only child to was a sodomite.”
His grandfather slumped forward onto his cane, which he’d placed between his knee and his prosthetic. The old man sighed heavily as though he were Atlas and the weight of the world was finally rolling off his shoulders. “He did not know. My two wives did not know either. I found out about Trahern a few years after his death when his friend began to blackmail me. He was going to tell the entire naval command about your uncle. At first, I feared he knew about me as well, but found out later he did not.
“After many years of giving this blackguard every penny I could squeeze out of my estate, my lifelong…friend, Morgan, put an end to it for me. He used his connections to discover who the blackmailer was, and the man was finally stopped.”
Ian didn’t know whether to believe him. There were many questions he still had. “Is that why you quit paying for my education? Do you know what a burden that placed on my aunts? Your own daughters?”
“I know you think it was because I was angry when you’d arrived early and witnessed…what you did. But, God’s truth, by this time I had nothing left.” The man broke into a fit of coughing, and when he got it under control, he continued. “You saw the condition of the home that day. There were no servants except those who were unable to find work elsewhere.”
“You’re thugs….”
“On my honor, I swear they were there to protect you. You were always protected until the day you left your studies.” The old man sounded sincere.
“Why didn’t you say so? Why let me fear them?”
“Perhaps I was wrong to do it as I did, but those men were loyal to me and would have died to protect you, my sole heir.”
Ian spent most of his life hating this man for his actions, and now here this man was, near death and begging for understanding and forgiveness. How could Ian believe this man after all of the bullying and horrible things he’d said about Ian’s parents?
“You said things about my mother—things I would have called you out for had I been older. She loved my father and he adored her.”
“Second son or no, he should never have married against my wishes. Your mother was beneath him. I stand by that.” Ian was about to interrupt him when his grandfather stopped him. “When I was enamored of the bottle, I perhaps said many cruel things, all of which I ask your forgiveness. I knew no other way to raise a young man than to make him a hardened, battle-ready officer. It’s how I was raised. I thought I was doing what was right.”
The old man wheezed and took a moment to collect his breath before he could continue. “I need to know that you forgive me before I die, because I will likely not make the return to Edinburgh.”
Ian didn’t know what to think. Everything he had thought was true was not, and the man he had thought despised him actually cared for him. What was he to do now?
“Morgan died last year.” His grandfather’s emotions caused him to choke on his words. “I miss him terribly. He was…the best friend a man could have for over sixty years. What you walked in on that day was not shameful or abominable. It was the two of us showing our love for each other. You never should have seen it, as I had no warning that you would arrive early.”
The two men were silent a long time. Ian wondered how he could ever resolve the image in his head of that day as anything close to loving. It wasn’t what he imagined when he thought of love and making love with Sarah. That was abhorrent and….
“I can see you are still having issues resolving that in your mind,” the earl said. “But know that I never loved anyone as much as Morgan, and you are the only person alive to know this.”
Sarah paced the hallway just outside the orangery, waiting for either one of them to come out first. She assumed it would be her husband. She didn’t expect to see them both, the earl hanging on to her husband’s arm. The sight brought tears to her eyes. She couldn’t imagine her husband not forgiving a dying man, because she knew at his core Ian was a good person, no matter his previous hardships. Somewhere in his past he’d learned compassion.
She smiled at them both and let them pass by her as she followed them into the foyer, where the earl had two servants waiting to carry him up the steps in his sedan chair.
When the earl was at the top of the landing, Ian strode out of the front doors so quickly she had a difficult time catching up to him.
“Ian stop, please,” Sarah called out as she ran after him. He did not turn around, so lost was he in his pain that he likely could not hear her calling. He’d gone so far down the drive that he almost reached a back gate that led to a field. When he finally did stop, Sarah was winded and leaned against the nearest tree, doubled over trying to catch her breath.
“Why didn’t you call for me?” He came to her and led her a few feet into the woods. Finding a fallen tree, he then sat upon it and brought her down onto his lap.
Sarah attempted to slow her racing heart and her heaving breath. “I did. Several…times.”
“I should be very angry with you, springing him upon me as you did.” Even though his voice was stern, he cradled her in his arms protectively.
She met his warm gaze and knew his heart was confused. Rather than defend her actions, she said, “When we spoke yesterday, after he recovered somewhat from his travels, he told me his last wish was to ask for your forgiveness. He admitted he did not deserve it, but he wanted to apologize and explain.
“He readily admits he made mistakes. But he would like a clear conscience and lighter burden to carry as he passes from this world to the next.”
Her husband turned his head away as he collected his emotions.
“Ian, you can forgive him or not, that’s between you and God. But he deserves your compassion, if not your respect.”
He was silent for a while, then nodded. “It will just take me a while to get used to not hating him. That’s all I have known. None of the things I believed about him were as I thought. And I’m trying to…sort out how I feel about it all now.”
“Sort quickly because he does not have long.”
He lifted her from him, and she took his seat on the fallen tree and watched as he paced a path before her.
“Why did you really leave London? What was it you were upset about? Was it because of the memories?” He didn’t sound accusatory, but like a desperate man in need of answers.
“After you left for Aberdeen, I remembered the night in my room in Liverpool. You said you didn’t want children. And here we now had a daughter, which you seemed to love, and I didn’t understand. We made love several times before you left, knowing full well it might lead to another child.” She gave him a satisfied smile. “And it did.”
He started to speak, but Sarah stopped his interruption with a barely perceptible lift of her hand. Despite his look of stunned happiness, she wanted to finish while she had the answer formed in her mind.
“Neither of us knows if I will carry the full nine months, nor even if, at the end of that term, I can give birth to a healthy child. But I know one thing, Ian. I love you. I lusted for you during the race to New York, and fell in love with you somewhere along the return voyage. Then to have you tell me that you didn’t care for children as I was in the throes of morning sickness felt like a slap in my face.”
“Can you ever forgive me? It was thoughtless of me,” Ian said.
“I will forgive you because you are my husband, I love you, and we are a family. I also truly believe you are a better man now than you were then.”
He stared at her for a moment until he realized what she’d said. She loved him. She could see realization dawning in his hazel eyes. He closed his eyes and bowed his head, the stress of years of fighting something invisible flowing out of him.
“I have loved you for a while now.” His hand reached into his pocket. “I just did not know how to say it.” He took his hand from the pocket and held it out to her and opened it. Her breath froze in her chest as she looked down at the ring she had tried on that first day in his cabin.
The oval ruby solitaire was set in a white gold band with four prongs holding it in place. She held out her hand, knowing he’d never be able to get the ring on but unwilling to tell him how she knew this.
“It was my mothers, and it appears we shall have to have the band stretched,” he said.
“It’s beautiful, Ian,” her voice cracked, disappointed that she was unable to get it over her knuckle.
“Both times I was away from you,” he began, “I missed you terribly. I missed your ready smile, your infectious laughter, and your giving spirit. I missed being with you, the way you smelled, the way you tasted. I missed talking with you, walking on deck with you” —he reached out and lifted a lock of her hair— “and watching you use a pitcher of water to wash all that glorious hair. I missed your presence in my bed and at the table in the evening.” He tilted her chin up to meet his gaze. “I knew I loved you, Sarah, before I even knew you carried my sons.”
Her breath caught. Then she gave a shaky sigh as she fought tears.
“I want you, Sarah,” he said, his voice as filled with emotion as she was. “I want you as my wife, and Maura as our daughter. And I want as many children you want, but if the physician says you should not, then I will not surrender you for the sake of a child. Because, in the end, I love you and cannot live without you in my life.”
The sun was moving lower in the sky, and Sarah shivered, having forgotten her pelisse on the dash out the door to follow him. Ian removed his coat and placed it over her shoulders. She was surrounded by his scent—a combination of him and faint traces of the soap he’d used. It was what home smelled like to her. Home was where ever this man was, whether it was a cabin aboard a ship or home in London, Surrey, or Scotland.
She nodded and he extended his hand. She placed her trembling one in his, and he helped her to stand, then wrapped his arms around her, holding her close.
There was no better feeling in the world for her than being in Ian’s arms, and second was being wrapped in his warm coat. She savored his masculinity and needed his strength.
“We should be going back,” she said. “Dinner will be in a few hours.”
Later that night, his fingers stroked her cheek and she stared into the green-brown depths of his soul and knew he spoke the truth. He loved her. Desire sparked between them, and he fanned the ember when he brought his lips down to hers in a single, searing kiss. She opened for him, and his tongue swept across the ridges of her teeth, then mated with hers. She grabbed onto him as though a woman drowning, and he her only lifeline.
She met his passion with equal enthusiasm, telling him with her body that she’d wanted him as much as he wanted her, and missed him just as much as he had missed her. When he broke the kiss, she pressed her face into his chest and groaned as she struggled to catch her breath.
His amorous intent was obvious, but she had to stop him—hopefully only for now. “Ian, I’m not sure I can just yet. I sent a note asking, and I’m still waiting to hear if it’s safe.”
He backed away and held her gaze, a tender smile on his face. “I apologize. You must think me a lecherous sort.” He sat up. “If Prescott says you shouldn’t, then we won’t.”
She didn’t think it important to tell him that it wasn’t Prescott she’d asked, but her sister-in-law. The doctor would likely say she shouldn’t, where Lia was a woman and a mother three times over. She was also incredibly knowledgeable in areas such as this.
Ian rose from the bed and pulled on his banyan, tying it loosely around his hips.
“Where are you going?”
“I thought to sleep in my bed so as not to disturb you.”
“I want you with me,” she whispered. “Please?”
He slipped off the banyan again, then slid between the sheets until he was behind her holding her against him again, cradling her in his arms. Sarah took his hand and placed it over her softly rounded belly, and he nuzzled the back of her neck, sending warm shivers throughout her body.
“Stop wiggling your bottom against me,” he whispered. “It’s unfair.”
“I’m sorry. I’ll try not to again.” She shifted again, trying to get comfortable in his arms.
“This is why I should sleep in my own bed,” he grumbled into the dark.
Shortly before sunrise, Sarah stirred when she heard Trudy place a salver atop her nightstand. One eye crept open, then she slid from the cocoon of Ian’s embrace, hoping she did not rouse him. Throwing her wrap over her arm, she took the note and went into the connecting sitting room.
Bringing the note over to the chair next to the hearth, she took a tinder and lit the pair of candles on the end table. She eagerly broke the seal and began to read, her sister-in-law’s words bringing first a frown, then a smile to her lips.
Dearest,
You are completely forgiven for rousing me from my husband’s bed. I cannot tell you what a fright I had when my maid brought me your note. Thankfully, I had the forethought to open and read your missive before sending Ghita to call for the coach and pack my trunk.
In response to your question, I have one of my own. How do you feel? In my opinion, if you are feeling well, then, by all means, proceed.
L.
Sarah smiled in the dim light of the sitting room. Glancing back at the open doorway to her chamber, she rose and blew out the candles before re-joining her husband.
Even though there was a late summer chill in the room, she slid the wrap from her shoulders and dropped it as she walked, then lifted the hem of her night dress and pulled it over her head. At the edge of the bed, she parted the curtain and folded back the covers before climbing upon the thick down mattress. She dropped her slippers then slid in next to Ian’s naked warmth.
It took a fraction of a moment for him to realize what she was about as she ever so slowly traced a finger down his bare chest. Just when she was about to reach his shaft, he placed a hand over hers. “Stop now,” he said, “or I’ll not be able to.”
“I don’t want you to stop,” she whispered.
“Are you sure?”
“Absolutely,” she replied as she nuzzled and lightly kissed her way over the strong curve of his jaw and wrapped her fingers around his rising erection.
“I don’t want to hurt you.”
“You won’t.”
