Loving Sarah, page 26
part #3 of The Caversham Chronicles Series
“Do you know about her, too?”
Lucky nodded.
“When Ian asked me if I could love a babe that was not my own, I told him of course I could. Lucky, you know what kind of a family we are. There were always children tagging along behind us. First Ren and Lia’s, then Elise and Michael’s. Not to mention the children at Haldenwood and those in the village who were friends to us as we grew up.”
“I know.” A hollow timbre in Lucky’s voice was the only clue to the true pain Ian knew Lucky was feeling. He turned his deep brown-eyed gaze to Sarah first, then to him. “That’s why I think you will be the most perfect mother in the world for her.”
“Lucky? What are you saying?” Sarah’s eyes grew wide and round, and Ian read the confusion on her face. “Oh, God, Lucky, is she your….”
“No, Sarah….” Ian tried to stop his wife before she incorrectly assumed the same thing she did of him.
“It’s not what you’re thinking, Sarah,” Lucky explained. “Not that at all.”
Ian jumped in and began telling her the story of how he and Lucky came to be in possession of the baby girl, now named Maura.
“Oh God,” Sarah whispered. The slight sound echoing in the vast book-filled room. She stood and headed for the door, firing questions at him as she walked. “Is she here now, Lucky? Where? I want to see her.”
“Sarah,” Ian called for his wife. “Please come back.” He understood her desire to rush to the child, but this was more about Lucky’s sacrifice right now than his wife’s desire to embrace and nurture a babe in need of a mother.
Lucky stood and rang for a footman. When one arrived, he asked for the baby’s nurse to bring her. Lucky then walked over to the French doors, which opened to the duchess’s rose garden. “I will first tell you something about her, if I may.” His voice was strained, and he visibly swallowed hard as he straightened his shoulders in an attempt to appear stronger than he likely felt. “I’ve been calling her Maura, because she has the same fighting spirit and will to live that I witnessed in my nurse when I was much younger. She died trying to save my life. Lia remembers the details more than I, for I was only a child. But my aunt was trying to kill me, and Maura, my elderly nurse, died when she was beaten after being caught trying to sneak food for me one night.”
Ian had never heard this tale before, but he got the impression Sarah had. He never knew of the treachery his partner had survived.
“The baby Maura,” Lucky continued, “has overcome a great ordeal. She is now gaining weight and growing. Though Prescott thinks she may have some lingering effects of her earlier malnutrition, he isn’t certain and has tentatively proclaimed her healthy.”
Ian heard the hitch in his friend’s voice as Lucky took a deep breath to continue, and he knew his friend’s heart was about to break when Lucky handed the babe over to Sarah and him.
“Her color is coming back to her skin, and her beautiful green eyes are not so sunken. They sparkle with happiness now. Her hair is beginning to grow back—so much of it had fallen out when we bathed her aboard the ship. It’s dark brown with a slight curl at the baby-fine ends.”
Ian didn’t interrupt him and continued to listen, knowing how important this was for Lucky and for Sarah. “She smiles now, all the time. Ian? Do you remember that first day, when all she did was make that horrible mewling cry?” When Ian nodded, Lucky went on. “She has a beautiful smile, with a mouth full of teeth and another molar coming in right now. It bothers her sometimes, but aside from that, she’s a happy baby, making noises and babbling all the time.”
Ian glanced over at Sarah and saw tears streaming down her face as she understood how difficult this was for her brother.
“Lucky, you love her. Are you certain you want to give her to me?”
“There is no one I would entrust her to more than you and Ian. I know you will be the perfect parents for Maura. You will be a wonderful mother to her, and she needs a mother’s love. Not that of a nurse or nanny, which is all I would be able to provide for her right now.”
“Are you sure?” Ian saw tears welling in Sarah’s eyes now. This was perfect for them all.
“I have never been more sure of anything. I’ve done some thinking these past few days. And I’ve come to the conclusion that I am simply not ready to be a father to her. I’m not prepared for it. I have no home, no wife, and nothing to offer her right now.”
“Nothing besides your love.” Sarah wiped her eyes.
In this entire transaction, Ian had never once thought about the fact that gaining custody of Maura would now make him a father. Sarah wasn’t going to be the child’s only parent; he was now going to be her father.
“You will fall in love with her too once you meet her.” Lucky visibly relaxed, as though a great weight had been lifted from his shoulders. And Ian felt the transfer of responsibility as he willingly accepted Lucky’s burden.
Minutes later, Sarah watched the young nanny enter the room with a squirming toddler in her arms. She came closer with the child and went to hand the babe over to Lucky, but he pointed to Sarah.
“Let Mrs. Ross-Mackeever meet her new daughter, Penny,” Lucky said.
Sarah suddenly became nervous, unsure if she would make an adequate mother. The girl brought the babe over, and Sarah felt her arms trembling as she realized this was now going to be her child. Lucky was entrusting this tiny life into her care, and Ian’s as well, to raise and nurture into adulthood. It was an enormous responsibility, one she willingly accepted.
She looked into the bundle of blankets and saw the most serious, dark green eyes she’d ever seen. They overshadowed every other feature of the child’s face. Darker than emeralds, they were so deep a green they were almost black. When the baby heard Lucky’s voice, she smiled, then began to cry as the nanny handed her to Sarah and not Lucky. She wrapped her arms about the babe and began walking toward Lucky so Maura could see his face and reassure herself that all was well. Sarah’s heart melted the moment the baby smiled upon seeing Lucky.
“She will come to recognize you soon. Do not worry.” Lucky gently stroked baby Maura’s cheek with a finger and stepped back. “Show her to Ian. He hasn’t seen her in a few days. I swear she’s gained two pounds this week.” Sarah thought Lucky had to be in deep anguish because he was chattering while she held the babe he’d taken into his heart.
She went over to where Ian stood in front of the fireplace and presented the infant to her husband. “Isn’t she beautiful, Ian?” Sarah stared down at the babe, in awe of her.
He made a sound of agreement as he stroked her dusky pink cheek. She watched her husband as he radiated joy when the babe grasped his finger and tried to put it in her mouth. He was so big and gruff, then at times he could be so gentle and caring. He was like a coin. There were two sides to him, but he was still the same man on the inside. And she loved him.
Lucky came toward them and said softly, “This is the right decision all around. As I said, I have nothing to offer her. I’m unprepared for fatherhood at this time. I’m not married, and I’m too young yet only five and twenty. Besides, it’s not as though I’ll never see her. After all, we are family.”
Something in his words echoed in Sarah’s mind as though she’d heard them before, but she shoved the thought aside as she cradled the baby in her arms. She’d never loved her husband nor her brother as much as she did right then. Ian, for his acceptance and willingness to be a parent to this child who wasn’t his, even after learning of the loss of his two sons. And Lucky, for giving up this little girl he’d come to love so dearly. Her heart swelled with joy and hope.
“We shall name you godfather, Uncle Lucky,” Sarah said to her brother. Then she began to cry again. A wave of guilt washed over her, guilt that she could love a babe other than the twins she’d miscarried. Even though Prescott had assured her that she’d done nothing to cause the loss of her pregnancy, she still felt that she should have done more to prevent it from happening.
She wanted so much to remember her twins, but Lia had told her that by the time she’d delivered them, she was unconscious, and the boys were already gone. In falling in love with Maura, she almost felt like a bad mother, as though she should be missing her twins more.
“Darling, why the tears?” Ian asked.
She considered her reply carefully, as she didn’t want them to be alarmed at her misplaced guilt. In the end, she chose to keep her guilt to herself. “Because I’m happy, Ian.” She turned and met Lucky’s gold-flecked brown eyes, swimming with unshed tears of his own. “I am so very happy,” she repeated as she stroked the infant’s head feeling the downy-softness of her baby hair.
Within hours, Sarah and Ian’s Mayfair home was descended upon by Elise and Michael, who’d arrived at their Hanover Square home that morning for the opening of the Parliamentary session the following week. Sarah sent a note to her sister telling her she needed her help but not what for, and almost immediately, her sister and brother-in-law were in the drawing room. Ian had kept them company until she could come down with her new daughter.
“What did she need me for?” Elise asked. “Perhaps I should go up and see if she’s….”
“I am fine, Aunt Elise,” Sarah said as she crossed the threshold. “But my daughter will need baby clothing immediately,” she said as he entered the room with her sleeping bundle. The surprise that crossed her sister’s face was priceless. Sarah handed Maura to her sister, as once again Ian explained how the child came to be in his and Lucky’s charge and the condition of her health.
“Do you mean to tell me that Lucky’s been hiding this babe in the house for a week? And Mrs. Steen assisted him?” Elise appeared surprised that the elderly family housekeeper would have been party to something so desperate, yet wonderful. “Where is he? I want to wring his neck and kiss him at the same time.”
“He remained at Upper Brook Street to allow us some time to get to know our new daughter,” Sarah said softly, as she cradled the sleeping infant. “The babe’s nanny came with us to help me learn Maura’s routine, and I believe she’ll stay on.”
“Don’t be angry with Lucky. He didn’t want to tell anyone because of what Sarah had been through,” Ian defended Lucky’s decision. “And he wanted to wait until the time was right before we mentioned her to Sarah, and discussed possibility of adopting her.” Neither he nor Sarah felt it necessary to mention that Lucky had fallen in love with the infant in the short time he’d been caring for her and that his heart was in tatters over his decision to allow them to adopt her.
“Is that what you’re naming her?” Elise asked. “How’d you arrive at that?”
“Lucky named her,” Ian replied, “and we’ve decided it suits her.”
The discussion turned to the legalities of adopting the infant, with Michael promising to make all of the necessary arrangements for the paperwork. “It shouldn’t be too difficult as the woman who gave her to you is in another country and willingly handed her over to you in front of a witness.”
“I don’t think she cared that there was a witness,” Ian said. “If you had seen the desperation on her face and the way she just shoved the sack into my hands and ran off, you would know she wanted the babe to have a better life than what she could provide.”
“I wonder why she chose to give the babe to you, instead of to Lucky?”
“I’ve asked myself that over and over. The only thing I can think of is that because I am fair-haired and light-eyed, she assumed I was from another country. Lucky, being dark-haired and dark-eyed, could have been Portuguese for all she knew, even though he dresses better than I and exudes wealth much more so than I.”
“It doesn’t matter to me why she did what she did,” Sarah said, so happy at that very moment her heart could burst with joy. “Right now I could hug her for this precious gift.”
“Have you sent Lia a note yet? She’ll want to come see her as quickly as possible.”
“Yes.” The tea cart arrived, and Sarah poured a cup for Elise and set it in front of her and handed one to Ian and the other to Michael before pouring one for herself. “And we have decided that, since Maura is named after Lia and Lucky’s deceased nurse, they and Ren should be her godparents.” She met her sister’s gaze, then added, “I hope you don’t mind. You can be godparents for our next child.”
Ian felt the most hope that he had since learning of the miscarriage the week before. Sarah was starting to regain her memory, and they were beginning to rebuild what he’d once thought a doomed relationship. And his wife was starting to be optimistic about the future and the possibility of more children.
“Of course we don’t mind,” Michael said.
“As long as you don’t forget,” said Elise, cradling the sleeping infant in one arm and sipping her tea with her free hand.
“If I did,” Sarah replied, “I’m sure you would remind me.”
“I wouldn’t be the conscientious older sister if I didn’t.”
Later that evening, after Sarah had put the baby down for the night, Ian knocked on the door of her rooms. He’d worried the last few hours over asking her if she would be fine if he decided to go to Scotland, Canada, and America with Lucky. Though not imperative that he go, he felt strongly that he should because the new ships were partly his. Something as important as interviewing the shipbuilders should be a shared obligation. Ian and Lucky had conceived and sketched these ships, the designs were his, and he wanted to make certain the shipbuilder understood and agreed to his drawings. Lucky could negotiate the costs. The business aspect had always been his area of expertise, whereas Ian was a naval architect, a ship designer at heart.
When she invited him to enter, he opened the door and found her seated on the floor before a chest at the foot of her bed. In her hand were embroidered linens and spread on the Persian rug around her were infant gowns, woven blankets, and tiny, fur-trimmed, hooded baby coats. He watched as she fingered the embroidered lettering on the napkins and caught the sheen of tears glistening in her eyes.
Perhaps it wasn’t a good time to bring up leaving just yet. He didn’t know what to say to her. Should he hold her? Is that what she needed? Did she need to cry for the twins again? Or could these be happy tears?
Then his heart sank into his gut. Were her tears because she remembered his words to her the night before he left her in Liverpool? How on earth would he explain that?
Just how did he approach her or break the silence?
She took care of that for him. “It took me one entire day to sew one tiny baby napkin,” she said as she held one out to him, “but I made these all myself.”
“They’re perfect,” he said, not sure what to say. If he could just discern what she needed from him, he would give it. He didn’t know what else to do, never having had a lady in his life on a daily basis before now. He had his aunts, but he’d never lived with them. His mother died when he was a boy, so he had little memory of her. And the various mistresses he’d had over the years were no comparison to his lady wife.
“No. They’re not. I do horrible needlework. Even a blind woman can embroider better than I can.”
He sat on the rug next to her and gave the stitching a closer inspection. “You know,” he said, hoping he could lighten her mood, “you’re right. But when you think about what part of the body these cover and what they’re intended for, who cares what the initials look like?”
She laughed. “I suppose I do sound a bit silly, don’t I?”
He shrugged. “You’re entitled to a little lapse in reason. Just for tonight, mind you. Tomorrow you must be completely rational again. Our daughter depends on it.”
The linen she held fell to her lap as she sighed. “Oh, Ian. I had given up hope of ever becoming a mother, and now this miracle has come to me. Do you have any idea how truly blessed I feel right now?”
“I think I have some idea.” He hoped she understood that he, too, felt truly happy at the prospect of fatherhood. The fact that this baby wasn’t of his seed meant nothing to him. She was a beautiful infant in need of loving parents. He and Sarah were now Maura’s mother and father.
Sarah turned serious. “There is a cloud over my happiness, and it isn’t because of the twins.”
“What is it then?” Dear God, don’t let it be those memories. He could take just about anything but that right now.
She wiped a stray tear and took a deep, reinforcing breath. “That my brother is hurting because of the gift he’s given us. He bonded with Maura before he knew I’d lost the twins. And I know Lucky as well as you. He would have raised Maura as his own daughter. His words this morning were his way of convincing himself he was doing what he thought was right for the child. It wasn’t for my benefit. He was trying to ease his own pain.
“He has given me the greatest gift one human could give another, aside from laying down his life. He’s given us this gift, Ian. She’s our daughter, not just mine.”
Ian thought a moment before replying. She was right. Lucky had bonded with the baby girl the entire trip home from Portugal. He’d turned his cabin into a nursery for her and fed the child himself when he was not at the wheel. Lucky had immediately made whatever changes were necessary to his life to raise Maura. And when he discovered Sarah had lost her babes, and that it was unlikely she would ever have children again, his best friend willingly cut out his own heart to give it to his sister. “Then we shall do our best to make certain that Lucky is always a big part of Maura’s life.”
“Yes,” she said, “we should. He needs it. Maura won’t remember these events, but Lucky will.”
He stared at his wife, noticing for the first time that she wore a diaphanous robe over an equally enticing gown. He felt a familiar stirring, but his wife was likely not ready for lovemaking yet. “Are you ready for bed?”
She folded the last linen and placed it on top of the stack, then gave him her attention. “Did you want to ask me something? Why did you come?”
“For no reason,” he said, fingering the fringe on the edge of the rug. “I wanted to see if you were still happy.” He needed to tell her about his travel plans, but it just wasn’t the right time to burden her with the fact that he’d be leaving again.
