Carpe Diem, page 9
“Oh yeah, Jack really knew how to make a fool of himself,” I say, as Flynn finishes one of his stories.
“He sure did,” Flynn responds.
“Flynn can I ask you a question?”
“Sure.”
“Why did you stay?” I ask.
“What do you mean?”
“When I found out I was pregnant, why did you stay here instead of going off to college?”
Flynn puts his fork down and leans back in his chair.
“That is kind of a hard question to answer. I think it was because I had seen my life in a certain way and going away to college wasn’t what I saw for myself. The only reason I was going to go was because Jack was going. I thought it would be fun. When his plans changed, I had no reason to go.”
“So has your vision of life worked out?”
“For the most part. I knew I wanted to stay in town, I never saw myself living anywhere else.”
“So why didn’t you ever get married?”
“Hmm, well I guess I would have to say never found the right girl.”
“The right girl? Flynn, you have dated some awesome women. How could none of them have been right for you?”
“I’m not sure what to tell ya. None of them ever measured up to what I was looking for. I guess maybe I’m simply meant to be a bachelor for life.” He laughs.
It always amazed me that Flynn never got married. When Bryna was younger, he was so good with her. He would lie on the floor and play Barbie’s with her. As she got a little older, he allowed her to dress him up for the tea party. I used to think that one day he was going to make a great dad.
I’m not sure what made me ask my next question, the wine, the thought that he is not married or rarely dating anyone, or the fact that he stayed in town with Jack. Oh Jack. The common theme, looking back on everything, was Jack. Was he in love with Jack?
“Flynn, are you gay?”
“What makes you think I’m gay?” he says, exploding into laughter.
I feel my face turn a bright red with embarrassment. What was I thinking? I should have known better then to think he was gay. I couldn’t help myself. He was showing some signals so it wasn’t a totally unwarranted question.
“Let me see, there is the fact that you’re not married, you don’t date much, you were always attached to Jack’s hip… I guess I thought maybe there was a chance…” I stop myself before I finish that sentence.
“What, a chance that I was in love with Jack?” he asks very seriously.
“I guess I thought there was a chance yes.”
“No, Piper, I am not gay and I was not in love with Jack. If I were, I would have told him and you.”
“I just thought… well we all have our secrets.”
“I may have many secrets, Piper, but being gay is not one of them.”
I look deep into his eyes. Many secrets? I give him a squinty-eye look and add in a smile as if to let him know I am interested in hearing about his many secrets. Flynn smiles back and shakes his head.
“Oh no, this is not the time or place for me to be airing out any skeletons.” He laughs.
“Come on. If you don’t tell me, I will have to assume I was right and that you are gay.” I laugh.
“Piper, you really don’t want to know my secrets. Jack knew them and that was bad enough.”
The mood gets a little awkward after that. When the waitress finally brings the bill, I am relieved. Flynn seems a little put off by my line of questioning. I never took him for someone easily offended or maybe I hit a nerve. He may not be gay, but there is definitely something bothering him.
Jack knew and never told me so it can’t be that bad. I decide not to press the subject. If he wants to tell me what was on his mind, he will, in his own time.
When Flynn drops me off at my house, I offer him a nightcap, but he declines.
“I’m truthfully sorry if I offended you or pressed you too hard on anything tonight,” I offer as an attempt to restore the mood,
“Piper, you didn’t offend me. You could never offend me.”
“Are you sure? You’re okay?”
“I’m fine, I had a lot of fun tonight. I’m ready to get home, unbutton my pants, and relax, I think I ate way too much,” he says with a smile.
“Okay, as long as we are okay,” I respond.
“Yes, everything is fine. I will talk to you tomorrow.”
I exit the car and Flynn waits for me to get in the house and turn the lights on before he waves then drives away. Still feeling weird about how things were left, I decide to give Abby a call to see what she thinks.
“You asked him what?” Abby yells into the phone.
“I know, but that would certainly answer a lot of questions if he was,” I point out.
“Yes that would indeed answer a ton of questions, but I don’t see him being gay. Like at all.”
“Me either, but you never know. My thought was that if he was and never knew how to tell us that if I brought it up that it might be easier for him to come out. But then he said Jack knew his secrets.”
“I don’t think he is mad, and of course, Jack knew his secrets. I know all yours and I don’t tell anyone, especially Dave.”
“So you think he is fine? It ended so weirdly,” I ask as I remember those words, you don’t know all my secrets.
“I do. I mean he is a guy, he probably needed to get home to take a shit after eating all that food.”
I laugh at Abby’s explanation and decide that on some level she is probably right. Flynn and I have known each other for years. If he was going to get mad at me because of a question, then he should hate me for some of the things in our past.
Like the time he asked me to cut his hair and I forgot to put a guard on the clippers and accidently shaved his head. Or the time that he asked me if I wanted to clean his house for some extra cash. Things were going great until I decided to do his laundry and accidently shrunk his favorite shirt. Oops.
After thinking about all the things he should have been pissed off at me for and wasn’t, I have to agree with Abby.
After hanging up, I pull down the velvet box and prepare to cross off yet another item. I scan my list, looking for my latest adventure and cross it off.
Learn how to shoot a gun
Holidays, they say, are the hardest after the death of a loved one. If it were not for everyone offering to come to my house for Thanksgiving, I think I would have had a mental breakdown this year. Last year was hard not having Jack around, but it still felt so surreal. Those that say the first year is the hardest must have found some magic pill that takes the pain away, I feel like this year is even harder.
Bryna took the week off work and is spending her whole holiday break with me. I am so excited to have her home and look forward to spending some time together.
Flynn called a few days ago and let me know that for my November Carpe Diem item we will all be taking a cooking class on Wednesday.
I had to laugh because I’m not the horrible cook I used to be. The only reason I added that to my list was because at the time I couldn’t even boil water. Jack and Bryna endured many years of burnt and sometimes unrecognizable food before I finally got the hang of things.
Bryna is still asleep in her room. I didn’t want to wake her just yet. She has been working so hard at school and we have been staying up late talking. Flynn won’t be here for a few hours so she will still have time to get ready.
I follow my morning routine of drinking my coffee and doing some cleaning. I’ve even started my morning walks again, but I will not walk today. Today I will make a visit that I know I should not. I haven’t been there in over a month, so I’m not sure why I feel the need to do it today. Maybe it is because tomorrow is Thanksgiving. It should be a day that I am thankful for what I have so why I feel the need to do this to myself. It just makes me mad and fills me with grief.
Although I tried to talk myself out of it, I once again find myself sitting in the hospital parking lot. I haven’t yet gotten out of the car. Maybe just sitting here will satisfy my uncontrollable need.
“I will not go in, I will not go in, I will not go in,” I tell myself.
A half hour later, I fail in my attempt to talk myself out of it and find myself shutting off my car and opening the door. I grab my purse and yet again find myself waiting for the all too familiar elevator. When the door opens, I see Nancy, the day nurse, behind the door.
“Oh, Piper. Not today,” she blurts out.
“No? Why not?” I asked, confused.
“There are way too many people up there. Someone might recognize you,” she tells me.
“Oh,” I say as I hang my head.
“I’m sorry. Any other day you know I would help you, but I just can’t today.”
“I understand, I don’t want you to get in trouble.”
“Honey, I’m sorry.”
I smile and turn to walk back to my car.
“I hope you have a happy holiday,” Nancy calls to me.
I turn slightly and wave as I wish her a happy holiday in return.
Getting back into my car, I am slightly relieved that Nancy caught me when she did. Had I gone in there and someone recognized me, I would have had no excuse for my behavior. Then there is the part of me that is sad that I was not caught. Maybe if I had, I would be able to stop my visits, if nothing else out of pure shame.
When I return home, I find Bryna just waking up and pouring the last of the coffee into a mug. I wish her a good morning as I take off my coat. I had hoped she would still be sleeping when I got home.
“Where did you go?” she asks.
“Oh, just wanted to clear my head so I went for a drive,” I lie.
After a brief conversation about how she slept, I excuse myself and run up to take a hot shower and start getting ready.
I start the shower and begin to undress. As I look at myself in the mirror, I can’t stop thinking about Jack. How he would have had me committed if he knew what I was doing.
I am finally able to brush off my disappointment in myself and make myself what I know will be an empty promise to never go there again.
“Mom, Flynn will be here soon,” Bryna yells up to me an hour later.
“I know. Honey. I will be down in a minute,” I yell back as I finish putting my makeup on.
I know Bryna is excited. This will be the first time she has been on one of my Carpe Diem days since the first dinner.
Before I know it, Flynn is knocking at the door and Bryna is flying to answer it.
“Flynn!” she yells and gives him a big hug.
“Bryna!” he yells, equaling her enthusiasm.
I sit back and laugh as they kid around with each other.
“So you ready to learn how to cook? You must be getting sick of mac & cheese and ramen noodles by now,” Flynn asks.
“Hey I can cook, just last night I made Mom and I dinner.”
“So was it mac & cheese or ramen?”
“It was spaghetti, for your information.” She laughs.
“Oh yeah, ’cause you need a degree from the school of culinary arts to make that,” he jokes.
Bryna punches him in the arm and lets out a pretend to be insulted gasp. Gee, I wonder where she gets that from?
“You ladies ready?” Flynn asks, rubbing his arm.
“Yep, I just have to grab one more thing,” I say.
Once again, I walk over to the hutch and grab a piece of the cup. I had not told Bryna about what I am doing with the shards yet. I thought I would let her in on my little quirk in person.
“What’s that?” she asks.
“Remember how I told you Dad’s mug broke?”
“Yes.”
“Well it’s a long story, but I have been leaving a piece of the mug at each of the things I have been doing.”
“Huh?” she says, giving me a confused look.
“I will tell you all about it on the way.” I laugh.
We pile into Flynn’s car and I begin to explain how when the mug broke a piece must have flown into my purse and how it poked me when I reached for my wallet when we went skydiving. I continued telling her how it had made me feel better knowing even a piece of her dad had been with me that day.
Then I told her that while waiting for my video, I saw a tree and how I knelt down and buried it and that it gave me a little bit of peace so I decided to leave a piece of him where ever my adventure took me. By the end of the story, we were both in tears.
“That is possibly the most perfect thing you could have ever thought to do with Dad’s mug.”
“So you don’t think it’s weird or anything?” I ask, wiping the tears away.
“Mom. No. Dad would have liked that,” she answers.
Flynn had been quiet through my story and only offered a smile and a comforting hand when I needed it to help me get the words out.
We pull into the parking lot just as Bryna and I finish wiping our tears. Flynn offers to drive around the block a few times if we need more time, which makes us both laugh. He finds a parking spot close to the door and before you know it, we are walking into Savory Cooking and Catering.
We are greeted by a man wearing a chef coat and hat. He is all smiles from ear to ear.
“Ah, Flynn, these must be the lovely ladies you told me so much about,” he says, reaching over to give us a kiss on each cheek.
“These are none other,” Flynn says with a smile, looking back at me.
“Oh, honey. You didn’t tell me they were so gorgeous.”
“What can I say, I guess I never noticed,” Flynn jokes.
“Sugar, no falser words have ever been spoken in my presence. You know, these dolls are breathtaking.” Chef laughs waving his hand “Well anyway, sweetie, I am Chef Basil. You can call me Chef.
“Basil? Is that your real name?” I ask.
“Oh no honey, but Chef Burns just doesn’t have a nice ring to it if you know what I mean.”
“I agree. I am Piper and this is my daughter, Bryna,” I say.
“The pleasure is all mine. Now let’s get you in here and start cooking,” Chef says as he waves us in.
Chef Basil sets us up at our own cooking station since we are the only ones here. I assume Jack wanted to have the class all to ourselves again. You know, in case I started a fire or something.
“Okay, so I have to tell you, when Mr. Flynn here told me the theme for today’s menu I was a little shocked. I mean I have never been asked for anything like this before. But I think I have come up with some fun recipes for you all to cook up today,” Chef tells us as he uncovers the center island holding our ingredients.
“SPAM? We are cooking with Spam,” I shout with laughter.
“Yes, ma’am, you are. Mr. Flynn here told me this was all your Mr. Jack’s idea and who am I to change the wishes of your dearly departed,” Chef playfully sasses back.
“No, it’s fine. It’s just he didn’t really like Spam, so it kind of surprised me that’s all,” I say, still laughing.
What on earth was Jack thinking? Granted I love Spam, he was the one that thought meat from a can was just weird and refused to eat it. I have gotten so used to not buying it that I actually had forgotten how much I liked it.
Before we begin prepping our work areas, Flynn walks over and hands me another letter. But before I open it, Flynn tells me that Jack hadn’t finished his letter so Flynn wrote me this letter.
I look at him in shock. Was the last letter the last I would receive. My eyes start to gloss over, but before the tears fully have a chance to take over Flynn puts his hand on my shoulder.
“Oh no, I have a few more, but this one he hadn’t really written. I suppose he wasn’t as sure what he wanted to say about Spam,” Flynn tells me, adding a smile.
“Yeah, I mean what is there to really say about Spam.” I laugh, taking a deep breath and open the letter.
Piper & Bryna,
Spam, Spam, I love Spam… Said no one, ever. However, today we come here with open minds and empty bellies for the possibility of finding a new love of Spam. May the Pepto be with us, we are going to need it.
Flynn
P.S. Jack was hoping to use today’s menu as inspiration for your Thanksgiving dinner, but if I could make one small request, can you please still make us a turkey. And I don’t mean turkey-flavored Spam.
I have to laugh when I finish reading Flynn’s letter and hand it over to Bryna to read. She starts laughing and gives Flynn a hug.
“Oh my gosh, that is the sweetest thing I have ever seen,” Chef blurts. “Oh I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt your little moment there,” he adds as we all look over to him.
“You’re fine. Should we get started?”
“Oh, honey. You took the words right out of my mouth.”
Chef begins by passing around the recipe cards we will be using, and then instructs us to retrieve our ingredients from the center island.
We do as we are instructed and are soon creating what he calls our Spamtastic masterpieces. First we open our sealed cans of Spam and cut it into two-inch-by-two-inch cubes. Next we take our bacon and cut it in half and begin wrapping the cubes with the bacon then stick a toothpick in to hold the bacon in place. Next we set our ovens to 325 degrees and place our pan of bacon-covered Spam into the oven as it preheats. Chef tells us to make sure the oven is not preheated before you put the pan in or the bacon will cook too fast and burn before the Spam is fully heated.
Next we follow our instructions to make a puff pastry and he mentions that if we are in a hurry we can use the store bought, thawed puff pastry sheets you can get at the grocery store.
After mixing the apples, cranberries, and other ingredients needed for the turnover filling, we add in the Spam and begin putting our turnovers together.
