Carpe Diem, page 18
“Stop it!” I yell to myself.
I open the door to the bedroom and make my way to the bathroom to splash some water on my face. The last thing I need is for Flynn to see me like that. I’ve embarrassed myself enough for one night.
After fixing myself up I start to head outside to meet Flynn, I walk by my purse. A thought comes to me. I look toward the front window; Flynn is sitting with his back to the window, sipping on his glass of wine.
Perfect. I reach into my purse and retrieve the red shard. I stand staring at it in my hand for a moment before I make my way back to Flynn’s room.
I walk over to his nightstand and place it next to his alarm clock. I think this is the right spot for this one. As I turn to leave, I notice the writing on a piece of paper next to the lamp. I see Jack’s handwriting that says, “Flynn.” A letter from Jack to Flynn?
I don’t know what made me pick it up. It is a complete invasion of privacy that I would have thought unforgivable. To read someone’s last words to someone, that is not you. Unfortunately for my voice of reason, I have not been thinking clearly all night. I open the worn paper and read.
Flynn,
I guess this is it, the big good-bye. I don’t have much to say to you that I haven’t already said in life, so I will just say this.
You have been my friend for as long as I can remember, but you have been more like a brother to me. Your friendship and support over the years has meant the world to me. I could not have asked for or found a better man to call my friend.
If I can ask you one last favor. Look after our girl. Be there for her, comfort her, clean the gutters for her. Also, watch over Bryna and if I die before she is married make sure she doesn’t end up with some jackass, and should that day come, if she asks you, know that you have my blessing to give her away.
I wouldn’t trust them in the care of anyone other than you. Be well my friend and take care.
Jack
P.S. Also, if I die younger than I would like and you are still single, I want to tell you that if you should find your happiness, know that you have my wholehearted blessing. I would not trust anyone else with her heart.
Jack’s words wash over me and I feel the tears starting to fight their way out.
“What are you doing?”
His words startle me. And I drop the letter on the floor. The look on Flynn’s face of anger, hurt and shock all rolled into one.
“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have,” I confess.
“No, you shouldn’t have,” he says, walking toward me.
Regret immediately rushed over my body. I knew it was wrong. If I had asked him if I could read it, he might have said yes, but now I have betrayed his privacy and I will never know if he would have shared this with me.
I lean down and pick up the letter, fold it, and hand it to Flynn.
“This was meant for me.”
“I know, I’m sorry. I was leaving you a gift, and then I saw it laying there. I don’t know what came over me.”
Flynn doesn’t say anything as he places the letter in the drawer of his nightstand and then leaves the room.
I follow Flynn, apologizing repeatedly. He accepts my apology halfheartedly and begins tossing dishes into the sink.
“Maybe I should go,” I offer.
“I think that would be a good idea.”
That brings us to today… Today is the second anniversary of Jack’s death. We all made plans to meet for dinner and then visit Jack.
I have not spoken to Flynn since that night. I have tried to call, text him, but he doesn’t answer or respond. I confessed to Abby and Casey everything that happened that night and what I had done. They both agree he just needs some time to cool off, he could never cut Bryna and me out of his life. One could say he is being stubborn about this. I, however, can’t blame him, I would have felt the same way. Since I am the one at fault, I need to be willing to give him the time he needs to forgive my actions.
Although there was nothing in the letter that I felt was overly personal, I can understand that it was still a huge invasion of privacy. All I can do is hope that today he will break his silent treatment.
These last nine months since I was given this most unexpected gift have been amazing and I would hate for my one mistake to put a dark cloud over everything Flynn has done for me in Jack’s honor.
Sitting here applying my makeup in an effort to get ready for dinner, it doesn’t feel real that Jack has been gone two years already.
I can’t stop thinking about the last nine months. The gift Jack has been so thoughtful in creating and so well planned that even though he was meant to be here with me on this grand adventure, and though he couldn’t be, I still felt him here with me helping me. This grand plan that was meant to be a surprise anniversary gift has turned into the best possible way he could have said good-bye to me.
After getting dressed, I have just one last thing to do before dinner. It may not have been on the agenda for today, but, I think it is what I need to do. It feels right and I think it is time. After all, how can I ask others to forgive me when I hold on to so much anger? Looking at the clock, I verify I have plenty of time before I have to meet everyone at the restaurant.
Fifteen minutes later, I am walking through the halls of the fifth floor, the coma ward of the hospital. I have walked these halls more times than I care to admit, but I know in my heart this will be the last time. It's bittersweet really, I used to come here to channel help my anger and help my grief. It was a comfort and a curse at the same time.
The curse was walking down this hall to Helen’s room, knowing that the woman responsible for taking Jack from me was right in front of me, having her close enough to touch, but knowing that no matter what, me being this close will never mean anything to her, because she was in a coma. That knowledge was a hell of my own making.
I thought I needed some justice, an apology, some whatever you want to call it to be happy again. There were days I would wish she would wake up so I could make her feel the pain she caused me, other times I found comfort in the thought that the limbo she was in, being neither dead nor alive was hell for her, but those were not my thoughts today.
Today I feel peace. I feel like things will happen in this world and no one can predict or prevent the things fate has planned for us. Today I say my good-bye to Helen, and to all that anger. Today I forgive her.
As I approach her room Nancy Jacobs the day nurse grabs at my attention, she is on the phone, but the look in her eyes with her frantic motions causes me to stop at the nurses’ desk. She takes a breath and holds out her hand and motions for me to wait until she is off the phone.
“Okay, yes thank you, yes, I have to go. Thank you…” Nancy says while hanging up the phone.
“What’s going on?” I ask.
“Honey, I’m so glad I caught you, you can’t go in there,” she says, trying to hide her panic.
“Why, what happened, did she die?” I ask, not knowing how the answer would make me feel if the answer was yes.
“No, she didn’t die. I really can’t talk about it with you, since you are not family…” she says, trailing off at the end.
She has never said that to me before. She has always found a way to let me know what the status of her condition is.
“Nancy, I understand that. However, today was to be my final visit, I had hoped to say my peace and be gone. I know you have bent the rules for me to visit her the last two years, but can you make one more exception? I promise I will be quick, no one will know I was here,” I plead.
“Mrs. Reynolds, I seriously can’t. And all I can tell you is that she did not die.”
She whispers the word die and gives me a strange look as if I am supposed to pick up on this new code. I look at her in confusion, still not understanding the meaning, and then BAM, it hits me like a ton of bricks.
“SHE WOKE UP?” I yell.
“I’m sorry I cannot release patient statuses to anyone but family,” she says while she nods her head yes.
“I have to see her,” I scream.
My mind is filled with a haze. The woman who took Jack from us has woken up. All those days of sitting at her bedside, staring at her, wishing I could explain to her exactly what she took from me. All those days of being happy that she was stuck in limbo.
Nancy can’t get around the nursing desk fast enough to stop me. I dart toward room 508, the room I have spent so many hours in. I place my hand on the knob and turn with no thought to what I will say when I get on the other side.
Kyle is startled when he sees it is me coming through the door. Helen has a look of confusion, why would she know me? She has been in a coma since that day. She slept for the last two years, peacefully unaware of what she took from me.
“Mrs. Reynolds, you can’t be in here!” Nancy yells, pulling at my arm.
“It’s okay, Nancy, thank you,” Helen says to my surprise.
“Are you sure?” Nancy asks before releasing my arm.
“Yes, thank you.”
I’m speechless. All the things I planned to say to a comatose Helen are gone from my mind. Never in a million years would I have thought she would ever wake up. Nancy informed me long ago that it didn’t look good and that they were basically waiting for her body to give up.
“Hello, Piper is it?” Helen says.
I look to Kyle before I confirm
“I already told her everything,” Kyle tells me.
“Yes, I’m Piper,” I say, forcing the words.
“Piper, I cannot tell you how sorry I am,” Helen tells me.
“I, I came here to…” I can’t finish my thought
“It’s okay, Piper, whatever you need to say to me I deserve it,” Helen tells me.
Kyle and Helen both stare at me waiting for me to speak. After a few moments, my heart starts to slow and I can breathe easier.
“How, how are you awake?” I ask.
“The doctors don’t know for sure, they are still waiting for some tests, but for now, they think her brain healed itself,” Kyle informs me.
“And how long have you been awake?”
“About a week,” she tells me.
“I see, and Kyle told you about Jack?”
“Yes, he did. Piper, I know that there is nothing I can say to bring your husband back, but please know how sorry I am. If I could take his place, I would.”
The words hang in the air. If she could take his place, she would. Nevertheless, she can’t. Jack is gone and now she lies here, awake, on her way to what appears to be a full recovery.
My anger starts to rear its ugly head and then I smell it. Coffee. I look around the room, not a coffee cup to be found, I open the door and look into the hallway. Nancy is standing at the nurses’ station. She looks and gives me an inquisitive look. I look around and see no one else. I close the door and turn my attention back to Helen and Kyle. It is then that a strange sensation comes over me. It is a calm that I have not felt in a long time, a calm that reminds me of why I am here today.
“Today is the two year anniversary, did you know that?” I ask.
“Yes, I know…” Helen starts.
“No please,” I interrupt.
“Okay.”
“Did you know that I used to visit you?”
“No, I didn’t.”
“I used to sit by your bedside and tell you about all the things I thought I wanted to say to your face. I would tell you how you deserved to die for what you took from me.”
“Piper…”
“No, let me finish.”
“All right.”
“I used to tell you about all the things Jack was missing out on, how much I missed him, and how much I hated you. I would dream about a day that I would get to say all those hurtful things to you.”
I can see the tears forming in her eyes. Mine are falling down my cheeks.
“But today I came to offer my forgiveness.”
Kyle’s head springs up. He had been staring at the floor avoiding eye contact while I had my little speech. Helen’s tears are flowing faster than mine.
“I admit, I was shocked when I found you awake as I thought I was going to be talking to the same Helen I had for the last two years. But that shouldn’t change why I am here. I am glad to be able to say this to you as you are now.”
“Piper, I don’t deserve your forgiveness. I took your husband from you and that is unforgivable.” Helen sobs.
“You have it nonetheless. I forgive you. You did not set out to take my husband from me, you made a mistake. You have paid for it with two years of your life taken from you.”
“Piper I… I…” Helen tries to speak, but the tears hold back her words.
“I will leave you to it, I won’t be back. I need to move on from this and I can’t do that if I am holding on to such anger toward you.” I say, reaching for the door handle.
“I don’t know what to say,” Kyle says.
“Nothing needs to be said. All I ask is that you live the best life you can and seize each day as if it could be your last,” I say and then exit the room.
The walk to the car seems to take only a few seconds. I do not remember walking down the hall, getting on the elevator, or exiting the hospital. My thoughts were consumed with Jack.
I know in my heart that Jack was with me moments ago giving me the strength to do what was right. I know that he was standing next to me giving me the courage to forgive. As soon as I left the room, I felt he was gone. As if he had been with me, watching over me, waiting to be there for me this one last time.
I hesitate to put the key in the ignition, I need a minute or two to sit and do nothing. I pay no attention to any one thing as I look around the parking lot. People are coming and going from the hospital. Today is the last day I would be one of these people. I look over to the right and see there is a tree not far from my car that looks like a tree Jack would have liked. I reach slowly into my purse search for the small red piece of mug I had originally planned to leave with Helen.
I jump out of my car and walk over to the tree. At the base, I use my hands to dig a small hole and place the shard into it before I refill it. A smile comes to my face and I know that I have done the right thing today, for me and for Jack. My dark secret is done and will not cloud my path to being happy.
The cool raindrops hitting my skin startles me. I didn’t realize it was supposed to rain today. I look to the sky and see the dark clouds moving in. The rain starts pouring as soon as I get back into my car.
Taking one last look around, knowing this would be my last visit, I slowly pull out of the parking spot and head toward the restaurant. The rain is coming down harder, the first big storm of the year. The lighting flashing so brightly would make this a perfect day to sit at home with a glass of wine ready to watch the show.
I hear my phone buzzing in my purse. I’m sure it is Abby making sure I am on my way. I don’t dare look with the rain making it hard to see more than ten feet in front of you.
I look down at the clock when a bright flash of light blinds me. I hear what sounds like a small explosion and when my eyes are back on the road I barely have enough time to swerve to the left, barely avoiding the large tree limb falling in front of me.
I can hear the small branches scratching against the metal of my car. It sounds like a banshee screaming. When I pass the tree, I swerve back into my lane. The cement is drenched with a mixture of the rain and oils from cars making it hard to gain control. I quickly move my steering wheel to correct the tailspins.
When I have full control of my car, again I take a look in my rearview mirror to get a look at the fallen limb. It nearly fills the road, how I managed to slip through is a miracle. My heart is beating rapidly as I take deep breaths to try to calm myself. When my hands start to shake, I decide to pull over to the side of the road to shake it off.
“Holy shit that was close,” I tell myself.
With my hands still shaking, I dig my cell phone out of my purse to see who was calling. I slowly punch in the security code and see that I have three missed calls from Abby, five from Casey, two from Bryna and two missed calls from Flynn. They all left voice mails.
A nervous smile forms when I decide to start with Flynn’s message.
“Piper, where are you? Abby and Casey said you are not at home or the restaurant or answering your phone, there is a severe storm warning, we are canceling dinner. You need to call me. I’m worried about you, please call me.”
So note to future self, in order to get Flynn to talk to you after you fuck up I just need to go MIA for a short time. I didn’t mean to worry anyone, they must have been calling while I was sitting by the tree. I do not understand why everyone is so worried, it’s not like I have never survived a storm before.
I am about to dial Flynn when headlights catch my eye. They are wild and coming right at me like a freight train.
“Oh my God, no,” I scream.
Why the hell isn’t she answering her damn phone? I know I haven’t been the greatest friend the last few weeks, I’ve been ignoring her calls, avoiding her text messages like a pouting teenager who found out his mom went through his room. I should not have reacted the way I did, I should have allowed her to apologize and then moved on. I know she would never do anything to hurt me, we have been friends far too long and gone through too much to let this stupidity get in the way of that.
I’ve been thinking over the last few weeks as to why I am so pissed about her reading Jack’s letter. I had every intention of showing it to her one day, so should it matter she found it and was so overcome that she read it before I was ready?
Hell, before she put on the brakes we were about to cross a line we could never cross back from. Part of me wonders what would have happened if she had not stopped us. Would she have felt it was a mistake or would it have been everything I… My thoughts are interrupted by the ringing of my phone. The caller ID holds a number I do not recognize.
