Roman, page 6
Winter’s head was down, her hair veiling her expression. I walked her to a table in the corner of the room. I wanted as far away from the counter as possible. If I hadn’t known Winter hadn’t eaten all day, I’d have just trashed it all and taken her home. But she had to be hungry. This wasn’t much, but it would hold her until we got back to the clubhouse.
“Fuckin’ bitch,” I couldn’t help muttering under my breath. This wasn’t the worst thing that could have happened, but it was bad enough. I reached for Winter’s hand and held it when she tried to pull free. “Don’t.” I hadn’t sat across from her. Instead, I’d put her next to the wall in a booth seat with me on the outside.
“Are you going to --”
“No, Winter. And I think you know I’m not. She’s just a spoiled girl used to getting whatever she wants. She saw my beard and tats and assumed I’d behave a certain way. That’s all it was.”
“I get it if you want her, Roman. I do.”
I met her gaze and held it for long moments, hoping she could see the truth in my eyes. “I don’t.” When she finally nodded her understanding, I put an arm around her. “I told you, Winter. You’re my woman. You think I’d let just anyone wear my colors? You’ve been part of an MC for a lot of years. How many men’ve you seen put their jacket on a woman?”
“None,” she whispered. “The officers don’t have colors at Black Reign, but the other patched members do. No one wears a member’s colors but the member.”
“Same here at Iron Tzars, honey. The fact that I put my colors on you for any reason should tell you something.” I needed her to understand I was serious but wasn’t sure how to do it other than to give her time.
We ate in silence. Winter mostly picked at her burger and nibbled on a couple of fries. She drank most of her water, thank God. I knew she needed it. I could see her glancing at the counter, looking at the woman who’d tried to encroach on her territory. There was longing and sadness reflected on Winter’s face that broke my heart. So help me God, if it was the last thing I did, I’d make her believe she was beautiful. And that she was the only woman for me.
Once we were finished, I helped her back on the bike before climbing on myself. “I need your arms tight around me, Winter. I want to feel you pressed against me.” She did as I asked. I knew she would. Probably would have even if I hadn’t asked, but I wanted her to know I needed her as much as I was sure she needed me. And I didn’t mean in just a physical sense. Yeah, I wanted her body, but more than anything, I wanted her heart. Winter was the kind of woman who wouldn’t give part of herself -- physical or otherwise -- to anyone unless she was all in. To be all in, she had to trust that person. I wasn’t there yet, but I wanted to be and was willing to do whatever I had to do for her to realize I’d protect and cherish her with everything I had inside me. As a former Marine and the enforcer of my club, I had a lot inside me. I’d give everything to her and never think twice about it.
I looked back over my shoulder. “When we get back to the compound, you and I need to have a talk. You feel up to it?”
“I need to check on my sister. What do you want to talk about?”
“Your past. My past. We need to get everything out in the open so we both know what we’re dealing with.”
“I’d have thought you already knew about my past.” She sounded small and unsure of herself. Not something I ever wanted her to feel.
“I only know the basics. You’re going to tell me all of it. When you do, I’m never going to tell another soul. It will be our secret. But you are going to tell me. I need to know.”
“Why? I’ll still be the same person I am now.”
“You will, and you’re a wonderful person, Winter. We’re going to be together for a very long time, so I need to know it all, and I want you to give it to me.”
“I don’t know if I can.”
“You can.” I reached back to gently squeeze her thigh. “You’re the bravest person I know. You’ll do this because I asked you to. I promise you we’ll both be stronger for it.”
Chapter Five
Winter
For the first time since Roman had taken me for a ride on his bike, I wasn’t relaxed. The ride back to the compound was nerve-racking. The very last thing I wanted to do was discuss my past with him, but I suppose he deserved to know. I wasn’t sure I believed him about us being together, though I had no idea what his game was. I knew it hurt like hell when that woman had come on to Roman, but he’d shut it down. I’d seen his expression. I’d heard his words. And he was taking me back to the clubhouse with no plans on leaving me alone. He wanted a conversation I didn’t really want to give him, but he was with me. Not her. That had to mean something.
Once we got to the clubhouse, Roman took me to my room. “Check on your sister. See if she needs anything. If she does, we’ll get it for her, then go have our talk.”
I shook my head. “I don’t want to.”
“I know, baby. But you’re going to trust me. You’re going to give me a chance to prove I won’t let you down. I’ll be there with you, and I won’t leave you. Get me?”
“Not really.” I grumbled, but there was a flush of hope I wasn’t sure I welcomed. He could easily break my heart and never look back while I’d be devastated.
As I opened the door, I heard a woman weeping. It wasn’t a hard, raging cry, nor did it sound like she was frightened. It was more like the aftermath of a fright. Or relief?
“Serelda!”
“Whoa, there, honey.” Roman pulled me back gently, putting me behind him as he entered the room first. There was no danger in his club, but Roman wasn’t the kind of man to let a woman under his protection enter a room without making sure it was secure first. I had no idea exactly what I meant to him, but I knew he considered me his to protect.
“What are you doing? I need to get to my sister.” Was I fishing? Maybe. While the need to get to my sister was paramount, I couldn’t help but want him to be thinking of me.
“She’s fine.” Brick was on the couch. Serelda in his lap. She clung to him, crying softly. He’d wrapped a blanket around her shoulders and was rubbing her back up and down slowly, trying to soothe her.
“Serelda, honey.” I knelt on the floor, brushing the hair from my sister’s face. “What happened?”
“B-bad d-dream.”
“Oh, honey. I’m so sorry.” I turned to look at Roman over my shoulder. “I need to stay with her, Roman. We’ll have to talk another time.”
“I’ll stay with her if you two got shit to work out.” Brick hadn’t made a move to let her go or to get up off the couch. In fact, he looked like he’d settled in for the duration.
“No. She needs me.” Tears were leaking from my eyes. It felt like a punch to the gut to see Serelda so distraught.
Serelda sniffed, wiping her eyes with her forearm before turning to me. “It’s OK, Winter. I’ll be fine.” She laid her head on Brick’s shoulder and curled up on his lap like she belonged there. It was all I could do not to warn the big guy not to hurt her.
“I got this,” he said in a gruff tone.
“You sure, honey? I won’t go if you want me here, Serelda.”
“No. It’s fine. We came here to make a fresh start, Winter. You were right. We both need a life. Because what we’ve been living isn’t a life at all. No matter what Rycks said.”
“He meant well. They all did.”
“They hurt you, little warrior?” Brick cupped Serelda’s face and looked down at her, holding her gaze as he gently demanded his answer.
“Black Reign?” Serelda’s eyes got big, and she shook her head vehemently. “No! They saved us! They wrapped us up in a solid wall of protection.”
Brick held her gaze for long moments. Was he trying to read her? Judge whether or not she was telling the truth? Then he nodded. “All right. Fair enough.”
Roman urged me to my feet, taking my hand. “Come on, baby. Let’s go. We’ll come back later, and all of us’ll go to supper together.”
Serelda looked at me and nodded. Only then did I let Roman take me from the room. His quarters were down the hall. He unlocked his door and ushered me inside and to the couch.
“Here. Have a seat. You want something to drink? I got bottled water. Beer. Soda if you want it. Milk?”
“Water’s fine.” I sat on the edge of the sofa, twisting my hands together in nervousness.
He brought a bottle of water and handed it to me. I fumbled with the lid but gulped down a quarter of the bottle before setting it on the coffee table. Not only did I suddenly realize how thirsty I was, but I wanted to use anything I could to delay this conversation.
“Better?” He sat next to me and took my hand gently.
“Yeah.” I cleared her throat. “Do I have to do this?”
“Why don’t you want to tell me? Ain’t askin’ for a therapy session. This is part of you. I need to know this to be able to proceed with a relationship with you. The very last thing I want to do is frighten you or hurt you because I don’t know what you went through.”
I sighed. “Can I ask you a question first?”
“Anything, baby.”
“Why me? You could have any woman you wanted. That woman at the restaurant was sure interested.”
“Don’t want no one else. As to why? It’s hard to define. At first, I felt protective of you. I knew you’d been through something and had no idea what. But I saw how hard you were fighting to break free of… something. You fought for what you wanted. You fought to protect your sister even as you knew she was struggling with being here, away from everything familiar. You did it because you knew it was what she needed. Somewhere in there, I realized you were the perfect woman for me, because you’d protect your family no matter what. You’d see to their well-being, even if it meant pushing them outside their comfort zone.” Roman’s words were so emphatic and strong I knew he wasn’t lying. Everything he said was truly how he felt. How he saw me.
My lips parted on a gasp and my eyes got wide. “You really see me like that?”
“Absolutely, Winter. I told you before. You’re one of the bravest people I know. And considering I was a Marine, I don’t say that lightly. Now. You told me that your father was the one who gave you to the men who scarred you. You also said you killed him yourself. What about the men who did this? Did Black Reign take care of them too?” Now, Roman looked more like a killer. I knew he was the enforcer for Iron Tzars, but I hadn’t really seen it often. Now, the enforcer was front and center.
“No. Not that I know of. I don’t even have a clue who they were, and the only person who knew is dead. It was thirteen years ago. I’m not sure I could even remember what they looked like.” I turned away from him. “All I really remember is the pain.” I shook my head slightly before adding softly, “And the blood.”
“I take it they were sadists?”
I shrugged. “No clue. They just liked cutting us. I think they liked the blood for some reason.” I couldn’t help the shiver as I remembered the feel of the blood covering my body. Both mine and my sister’s. “There were two of them, but only one of them actually had sex with us. The other just… I don’t know.” My ears roared, and the room spun. I thought I whimpered but wasn’t sure.
His body sliding over mine. His arms wrapped around me as he moved against me…
“Fuck.” Roman lifted me in his arms and hurried across the room. The next thing I knew, I was in front of the toilet. Roman held my hair back while I retched over and over again, what little I’d managed to eat coming up in a violent rush.
A cool cloth wiped over my forehead, and Roman spoke to me in soft, soothing words. “I’ve got you, baby. No one will ever hurt you again. I swear it. Take a breath for me.”
I gasped for breath, closing my eyes and concentrating on the wet cloth brushing over the skin of my face and neck.
When I was sure the nausea had passed, I sat back, collapsing against Roman. He reached out and flushed the toilet and handed me a glass of water from where it sat on the vanity.
“There. It’s over. You’re OK. I’ve got you.”
“I’m so sorry, Roman.”
“Honey, there’s nothin’ for you to be sorry for.” With infinite gentleness, Roman pulled me into his arms and held me. Much like Brick was doing with Serelda when we left them. “Maybe this was a bad idea. I need to know, but…”
“No. I get it now. If something triggers me like this did if we…” I shuddered again, shaking my head. “No. I have to get this out. I see that now.”
So, sitting there in the bathroom with me sitting between Roman’s legs as I clung to him, I took a deep breath and began.
“There was blood. So much blood.” I swallowed back the nausea threatening to bubble up again. “They paid my dad extra to be able to cut us. One of them said he liked blood play. I don’t think Dad expected everything they did to us, but there was nothing he could do except double the price afterward. Taking us for medical treatment would have raised questions, and we were underage.”
Roman’s arms tightened around me, but he said nothing. Just kissed the top of my head and continued to rub my arm and back in a slow, soothing gesture.
“At first, they tied us down, so I don’t like being restrained. Or trapped, really.” I snuggled closer to Roman before I caught myself. “Actually, this is the first time I’ve been held by someone other than Serelda. There were brief hugs occasionally at Black Reign, but always by the women. I don’t like men touching me.”
“But you’re OK with me holding you?”
I looked up at him and nodded. “Yes. It’s comforting. And I liked it before. You know. When you kissed me.”
He smiled at me, leaning down to place a gentle kiss on my lips. The contact helped settle me. I had no idea why. Maybe this man I’d built up in my fantasies and dreams was now my anchor. Though I felt gross and out of sorts since the vomiting episode, I couldn’t work up the self-preservation I needed to. The longer I was in his arms, the longer I wanted to be.
“I probably stink like vomit and sweat,” I muttered. I hadn’t meant for that to come out, but I’d definitely spoken my thoughts out loud.
“You don’t. Besides, good clean sweat never hurt no one. As to the other, it happens. Been in an MC long enough to see and smell it several times. You’d barely eaten anything, and it didn’t smell like beer.”
For some reason that made me chuckle. “Well, at least there’s that.”
“You think we can move to the couch now?”
“Yeah. Probably be more comfortable than sitting on the floor.”
Roman helped me to my feet, then stood himself. “Brush your teeth and wash off so you feel better. Do you want to take a shower?”
I shook my head. “No!” I cleared my throat. “I mean, I want to brush my teeth, and I’ll just kind of wash with a washcloth. I hate showers or baths.” He frowned at me, so I quickly explained. “I don’t like the feel of water on my skin much. It’s thinner than blood but…”
“I get it.” He looked like he did, too.
“I also don’t like washing. Touching my scars.”
“Do they still hurt?” He wasn’t judging, just curious. Roman was truly trying to learn what made me tick and what set me off and why.
“No. it’s not that. It’s the sensation. I don’t like the feel of them. Even when I use something between my hand and the scars, I imagine I can feel them. I don’t like touching them.”
He stared at me for long moments. I got the feeling he was having an internal struggle with himself. When he finally spoke, his question surprised me. “Would you be OK with me washing you? I’ll only get the high spots. Just enough to wash the sweat off so you don’t feel sticky. Arms. Legs. Face and neck. Pits. I only want you comfortable, Winter.”
This didn’t compute. “You want to wash me?”
“Look, I know what it sounds like. But I ain’t tryin’ to get you naked and feel you up.” He snorted. “At least, not right now. You were self-conscious about the sweat and vomit. I just want to offer a solution to help you have what you want and not be uncomfortable.”
Tears welled in my eyes. Serelda and I had similar issues with water and touching our scars. She dealt with that part better than me, while I dealt with the nightmares and internal scars better than she did. “Serelda often helps me in the shower. She knows I don’t like to touch the scars, so she helps with the washcloth when I can’t move past it. I hold her at night when she has nightmares.”
“Then let me do this for you. However you want to do it.”
I thought about it. “A shower would be nice. Is that too much?”
“Not at all, honey. I’m here to do anything you need. Including getting in the shower with you.” He gave me a cocky grin. Coming from anyone else, I’d have thought he was being crude. Not Roman. He was trying to lighten the mood.
“Before we do this, you have to know I’m not pretty to look at. What you see on my face is nothing compared to the rest of me.”
“Baby, there’s nothing you can show me that’s gonna make me change my mind about keepin’ you. You realize that. Right?”
I sighed. “I’m not going to be that woman you’re proud to have on your arm at a party, Roman. I’m always going to look like what I am. A scarred, traumatized freak with too much makeup on. My first instinct is to hide, not fight back. I’m always going to have a target on my back with any women at those parties, and I doubt I’ll be able to hold my own.”
“Like you did with Jezlynn and her group your first night here?” He gave me a challenging look, daring me to downplay what I’d done.
“That was a one-off thing. I was stressed to the max and knew I had to prove myself. I wanted to not be sheltered by everyone around me, and she said the right combination of things to set me off. Then the other one attacked me, and all the self-defense classes Rycks forced us to take kicked in. And the sight of the blood nearly did me in. If that had continued, I’d have lost my mind.”
