A Rose and a Promise, page 23
It was Christmas Day and Cadi was talking to Poppy and Izzy outside the NAAFI.
‘I appreciate the offer, but I don’t see why you should miss out on Christmas just because of me,’ Cadi insisted. ‘I know they say that misery loves company, but it would only make me feel worse than I already do.’
‘But we won’t have a good time, knowing that you’re unhappy,’ said Poppy.
Cadi laid a reassuring hand on her friend’s shoulder. ‘I’ll be happier if it’s just myself and Aled,’ she gave a soft laugh before continuing, ‘because he’s as miserable as me at the moment.’
‘I don’t like the thought of not being here for you, but it’s not about me,’ said Izzy. She pulled a rueful face. ‘Christmas will never be the same again, will it?’
Cadi gave her a friend a sympathetic smile. ‘No, but it will get easier – not that it feels like that at the minute.’
Hearing several people break into song, she took her friends in a warm embrace. ‘I rather think that’s my cue to leave.’
‘You know where we are should you need us,’ said Poppy.
Nodding, Cadi turned towards the gate, where Aled was just pulling up in his car. As she took her place in the passenger seat, she gave him a grim little smile. ‘I don’t care where we go, as long as I don’t have to listen to people singing carols and being happy.’
He pushed the car into gear. ‘I thought we might go for a walk along the canal; we shouldn’t bump into too many people down there, not today.’
Cadi brightened. ‘Good idea. I love canals, and it’s one place I never went with Jez.’
‘So, no memories,’ conceded Aled. ‘I must admit, I suggested the canal because it’s somewhere I never took Marnie, either.’ He glanced over his shoulder before pulling out on to the road. ‘How’re the girls?’
‘Down in the dumps, which is understandable, but I think they’ll feel better not having me around, and I know I’ll feel better not pretending to be happy. Kitty is spending the day in Waddington with Ronnie, but I made sure I telephoned to wish them a merry Christmas before coming out.’
‘That was very good of you, but I’m sure people would understand if you kept a low profile.’
‘Jez loved Christmas – it was his favourite time of year – and so did his nan. It upsets me that I’m not celebrating something he loved so much, but it’s not the same without him.’
‘I wish there was something I could do to make you feel better,’ said Aled.
She glanced across at him. ‘I take it you’ve not been in touch with Marnie?’
He shook his head. ‘No point. Much like yourself, I’m feeling bad enough as it is, without having her tell me that I’m living a lie.’
‘Doesn’t she realise that you’ve had a terrible year? Surely she could’ve waited until after Christmas—’
But Aled cut her short. ‘Sorry, Cadi, but contrary to Marnie’s conviction, I’d rather not live a lie, no matter how painful the truth. If she doesn’t want to be with me, then I’d prefer to know about it sooner rather than later. There’s no sense in prolonging the agony.’
‘Have you told your parents?’
He pulled a face. ‘Mam was furious, saying that Marnie was being selfish, but in truth she’s just worried that I might change my mind about returning to the farm.’
Cadi watched him closely. ‘And is she right?’
He tapped his finger against the steering wheel. ‘I’m not staying in the RAF when all this is over, and as I don’t know how to do anything other than farming I don’t see that I’ve much choice. Besides, whether I like it or not, farming’s in my bones.’ He glanced sidelong at her. ‘If you’re stuck for work you can always come and work for me.’
Cadi laughed. ‘And get covered in you know what every day? It was bad enough that day you drove past me in the tractor and I got soaked in it.’
Aled pretended to take offence. ‘Surely you’re not still harping on about that?’
‘Eau de cow poop,’ giggled Cadi, ‘what’s not to like?’
‘I prefer to think of it as the smell of the countryside,’ chuckled Aled. ‘Or clean living.’
‘I wouldn’t call the stuff you covered me in as being clean.’
Aled raised his brow. ‘Aye, I seem to remember that you didn’t seem too chuffed at the time.’
‘All I remember is you laughing your head off,’ said Cadi. She began to giggle. ‘My dad tried to convince me that you’d only done it because you liked me.’
Aled burst out laughing. ‘Your father must have some pretty strange ideas when it comes to courting.’
Cadi laughed until the tears came. ‘My poor mother.’
Pulling into the car park close to the canal, he turned to look at Cadi. ‘I have to say you look a lot better than you did back in October.’
Wiping the tears from her eyes, she nodded. ‘My appetite’s come back with a vengeance, and I’m eating lots of the good stuff.’
‘It shows,’ remarked Aled as he got out of the car. ‘Jez would be pleased.’
She smiled as he took her hand to help her from the car. ‘That makes me happy, because I know he would’ve been dreadfully upset to see me the way I was.’
He closed the passenger door. ‘What changed do you think?’
‘I don’t really know. One day I was feeling green around the gills, and the next, as hungry as a horse. I know that losing Jez knocked me sick to my stomach, but even though the pain’s still there it’s bearable now.’
‘How do you feel otherwise? I hope you’re not still blaming yourself?’
She shook her head. ‘I’ve come to terms with the fact that I couldn’t have done anything differently. What’s more, had I not found him when I did, I’d never have had the chance to say goodbye.’ She cast him a sidelong glance as they passed a couple of boats that had moored up for the festive period. ‘How about you?’
Aled struck a stone with the toe of his boot, sending it bouncing down the path in front of them. ‘I beat myself up for the longest time, but much like yourself, I came to the conclusion that I couldn’t have done anything differently, so rather than torture myself for something I had no control over I decided to turn my focus on you.’
She stared at him in amazement. ‘Me?’
He pushed his hands into his pockets. ‘I couldn’t save Jez, but I can look after you, whether it be moral support, a shoulder to cry on …’ he shrugged, ‘or anything really.’
Cadi nodded slowly. ‘Is that why you suggested coming up for Christmas?’
‘I couldn’t bear the thought of you pretending to be happy when you were anything but, but I know you wouldn’t have wanted to disappoint your friends.’
‘Jez would be pleased to know that you were keeping an eye out for me.’
‘I’m glad I can do something for him.’ He fell silent for a moment before adding, ‘I wish I had a relationship like yours and Jez’s, but no matter how hard I try mine seem doomed to fail.’
She tucked her hand into the crook of his elbow. ‘I know you said you’ve sworn off women, but you will find someone, given time.’
He pushed out his bottom lip. ‘Maybe, but I’m not even going to think about women until I’m settled back on the farm.’
‘Probably a good idea,’ said Cadi. ‘You’ve got enough to concentrate on without worrying about a new belle.’
‘I need a woman to see me in my overalls and think, yep, that’s the man for me.’
Cadi mulled this over for a moment or two before voicing her opinion. ‘I bet there’s loads of women in the village who’d jump at the chance to be a farmer’s wife.’
He smiled vaguely. ‘There was only one village woman that ever piqued my interest, and she’s off limits.’
Cadi squeezed his arm. ‘Poor old Aled. Life’s not been fair to either of us, has it?’
He pulled a grimace. ‘I dunno so much. At least I’m alive. There’s plenty of aircrew who never made it past their first operation.’
She nodded grimly. ‘I always said I preferred Jez to be a mechanic because he had both feet safely on the ground. Had he been aircrew I could’ve lost him a lot sooner than I did, so at least we had some time together.’
‘Every cloud,’ said Aled.
Clasping the locket which hung around her neck, she blinked back the tears before they could form. ‘I wish I had something other than jewellery to remember him by.’
‘You’ve got your memories,’ said Aled. ‘No one can take them away.’
‘You can’t hold a memory.’
Aled squeezed her arm in his. ‘True, but you can treasure them.’
Having spent the day away from the festivities, Cadi and Aled joined Izzy and Poppy for an evening meal in the NAAFI, at Fiskerton. Cadi and Poppy saved a table while Aled and Izzy collected their meals, and waited until they returned with their laden trays before going up to queue themselves.
Standing behind Cadi, Poppy placed her hand on her friend’s waist. ‘So, how’s the day been for you?’
Cadi turned to face her. ‘Not too bad. Certainly better than it would’ve been if I’d gone home, or back to the Belmont, because I know they’d have showered me with sympathy, and that would only have made me feel worse.’
‘How was Aled? He’s changed an awful lot since we moved to Liverpool. Mind you, I suppose we’ve all changed a fair bit since then.’
‘He’s definitely changed since the day we found Jez. Aled always used to be quick with the compliments, a real charmer, but that seems to have vanished. I think the whole experience has aged him, much as it did me.’
‘All that business with Marnie couldn’t have helped,’ Poppy supposed.
‘Not really. He just said that it wasn’t worth trying to change her mind, and it’ll be a long while before he even contemplates courting again.’
‘Not surprising, after his last two attempts. When is he going back?’
‘The day after Boxing Day.’ She hesitated. ‘He suggested we could go for a drive to Skegness tomorrow.’
Closing her eyes, Poppy inhaled deeply as though smelling something wonderful. ‘Oh to be by the sea!’
Cadi looked wistful. ‘I know we won’t be able to go down to the beach, but we’ll still be able to see the sea, and I’ve not done that since we left Liverpool.’
Poppy waited while Cadi ordered her plate of sausage and mash before continuing. ‘I’ve got to hand it to him, he’s doing a marvellous job of taking your mind off things.’
Cadi placed her plate on the tray. ‘I suppose he’s a crutch for me as much as I am for him. Poor Aled; he really thought his future lay with Marnie.’
Also opting for sausage and mashed potato, Poppy watched the cook ladle gravy over her food of choice. ‘He’s a handsome man who stands to inherit his father’s farm, and I bet he’s not short of a bob or two either. He’ll be fighting them off with sticks when he decides to start courting again.’
‘He deserves to be happy,’ said Cadi, as they took their trays over to join the others.
‘Do you still worry that people might think ill of your meeting up with him?’
Cadi shook her head. ‘Not in the slightest. Anybody who thinks he has an ulterior motive should take a good look at him. The poor man’s completely exhausted and I’m not surprised. His role is demanding.’ She slowed down so that she might finish their conversation whilst still out of earshot of their table. ‘I can’t imagine what it must be like to go out every day not knowing whether you’ll be coming home. Especially when the odds aren’t stacked in your favour.’
Poppy knew that losing Jez had all but broken Cadi. Aled might be her rock now, but what if he were to find another belle? It would only be natural for him to want to spend every waking moment with his new love, and Cadi had already lost two of the most important people in her life. If she were to lose Aled, Poppy feared it might prove to be the straw that broke the camel’s back.
It was the evening of Boxing Day, and Cadi and Aled had stopped off at a country pub to have a late dinner.
‘Thank you so much for taking me out. It’s really helped to take my mind off things,’ said Cadi as she scanned the menu. ‘I was dreading Christmas, but it’s not been half bad.’
‘I’m glad I’ve managed to cheer you up, even if it’s only a little bit. I had reservations about whether I was doing the right thing by coming on my own, but I’m glad I did,’ said Aled. ‘There would have been no sense in the two of us being miserable. Had I stayed in Finningley, I would have been surrounded by happy couples exchanging presents and snatching kisses under the mistletoe: not what I want to see after losing Marnie. And if I’d gone home I’d have had Mam telling me how there’s plenty more fish in the sea, but no one wants to hear that when they’ve just come out of a relationship.’
Cadi grimaced. ‘Mam and Maria were hinting about me moving on not long after I lost Jez, but I’m sure they only did it because they don’t like the thought of me being on my own.’ She furrowed her brow. ‘Why is it that everyone seems to think that you can only be happy if you’re in a relationship?’
‘I guess it’s the natural order of life,’ Aled supposed. ‘First marriage then kids.’
‘Well, I won’t be doing either of those for a long time yet, if ever,’ said Cadi. She smiled shyly at him. ‘And thanks for taking my mind off Christmas. I really do appreciate it, and because of you next year might not be too bad.’
‘I hope you don’t think that I’m comparing my break-up to your losing Jez, because I know they don’t come close, and in all honesty I feel a bit of a fraud licking my wounds when they’re nowhere deep as your own.’
Cadi gave a grim smile. ‘We’re both nursing broken hearts.’
He glanced at the bottom of his menu. ‘Talking of broken hearts, I see they’ve run out of custard!’
Cadi shook her head. ‘Thinking of pudding and you’ve not had your mains yet!’
‘Life’s not worth living without pudding,’ Aled chuckled. He glanced at her over the top of the menu. ‘I bet you’ll have fish and chips.’
Cadi looked mildly impressed. ‘I will indeed, but how did you guess?’
He closed the menu before laying it on the table. ‘I remember you saying fish and chips was your favourite, especially when you’re close to the sea.’
Cadi wrinkled her forehead. ‘Only we’re not by the sea.’
He grinned. ‘I know, but we’re not far from the canal.’
The barmaid approached, pencil and pad in hand. ‘Are you ready to order?’
‘We are indeed,’ said Aled. ‘Fish and chips for two, as well as an extra couple of rounds of bread and butter, please.’ Noting their order, the barmaid gathered their menus and headed back to the bar, and Aled indicated Cadi’s empty glass with his own. ‘Would you like another lemonade?’
Cadi nodded, and rested her chin on her knuckles as she watched Aled walk to the bar. To an outsider, it looked as though he hadn’t a care in the world, but she very much doubted that was the case when he was sitting in the gunner’s turret. Recalling John’s words, she spoke her thoughts as Aled returned with their drinks. ‘When Jez and I got married, I remember your father telling us how you were still flying by the seat of your pants, and treating the whole thing as though it were some big game. Have you always been like that?’
‘I was until we lost our mid-gunner,’ admitted Aled. ‘It took a while for the crew to get back into the swing of things, but given time you go back to feeling as though you’re invincible. If I’m honest, I don’t think we’d be able to get back into the plane unless we thought that way. But losing Jez showed me that none of us are safe.’
‘Because he was a mechanic?’
‘Yes. Much like you, I’d always thought those on the ground were safer than the rest of us. I know that airfields come under attack, but I’ve never known anyone on the ground to die, apart from Jez.’ He shrugged. ‘I’ve lost many friends in aircrew, it almost goes with the territory – in fact I’d say it was to be expected, really – but not ground crew, and not the way Jez went.’
Leaning back in her seat, Cadi gazed into the glass of lemonade. ‘You mean being hounded by a pilot who gunned him down on purpose?’
Aled nodded slowly. ‘There’s a big difference between someone taking a lucky shot and someone literally gunning for you.’
‘It took me a long time to come to terms with that,’ said Cadi. ‘I kept asking myself why he’d chosen Jez in particular, but of course he hadn’t. Jez was in the wrong place at the wrong time; it could’ve happened to any one of us had we been within his sights. The pilot of the Messerschmitt didn’t know him from Adam. He was purely doing what he had been instructed to do. To create hell on earth, while destroying the base along with our morale. I dare say our boys do exactly the same to them when they go over there, the only difference being we didn’t start this war, they did.’
Aled gazed steadily at Cadi. ‘You’re right. When we go over there we bomb them, the same way they do us. I don’t feel bad about it, because they’ve left us with no choice. If we didn’t retaliate they’d see it as a sign of weakness, and, believe me, they wouldn’t stop until they’d wiped out every man, woman and child. It’s the same when we’re under attack: I don’t stop to think of them as someone’s father, son or husband, I just make sure that I’m the one who comes out on top, else it would be my family mourning and not theirs.’
They both fell silent as the barmaid arrived with their food. Placing the plates down on the table, she smiled expectantly at them both. ‘Would you like any salt or vinegar?’
Covering her mouth to hide the half-eaten chip, Cadi nodded. ‘Both, please.’
The woman quickly returned with the condiments, and Cadi sprinkled salt over her chips before passing the cellar to Aled. ‘Everyone’s saying that the war’s going to be over soon,’ she said. ‘Do you think they’re right, or is it wishful thinking?’
Aled appeared to be deep in thought as he placed some of his chips on one of the rounds of bread and butter. ‘I’d say a huge part of it is wishful thinking, but at the same time I can’t see it going on for much longer, not at its current pace.’
