A Rose and a Promise, page 14
‘Mr Thomas’s family has been informed, and they’re on their way. Your friend won’t be on her own for much longer.’
Aled stared at her incredulously. Was she purposely denying Cadi a source of comfort? ‘She needn’t be on her own now, because I’m here.’
‘I hope you don’t think I’m speaking out of turn, but you’re just a friend …’ began the nurse, but Aled intervened.
‘I’m not just a friend, I’m more than that. We’ve been through a lot, me and Cadi, and we’ve always been there for each other. I’ve never let her down before, and I don’t intend to start now.’
The nurse spoke kindly. ‘If you really want what’s best for Mrs Thomas, you’ll give her space to grieve.’
The door behind them opened, and Izzy came in. Tears streaming down her face, she looked straight at Aled, a frown creasing her brow. ‘Why aren’t you in there with her?’
‘Good question,’ said Aled, glaring at the nurse.
‘I’m sorry, but unless he’s family …’
Izzy took him by the hand. ‘He is as far as I’m concerned.’
She led Aled back to Cadi, and the three held each other as they mourned Jez’s passing.
June 1944
Cadi stared blindly into the grave, tears trickling down her cheeks, as the vicar read the committal. His words washed over her, but she waited for him to finish before stepping forward. Clasping a single rose between her fingers, she kissed the petals before allowing the flower to fall on to the lid of the coffin. Beside her, a black ribbon replacing her collar, Annie snuffled at Cadi’s fingers. Stroking the smooth hair of the dog’s head comforted Cadi somewhat, but Annie would be going back to Rhos with her parents after the wake, and it would be a long time before she saw Jez’s dog again. Turning to her mother she spoke unsteadily, her voice hoarse with emotion. ‘Jez loved roses because they reminded him of me.’
Jill slipped her arm around her daughter’s shoulders. ‘You were his Rose Queen.’
Cadi fingered the brooch of delicate roses that Jez had given her as a Christmas gift. ‘He loved hearing me tell how I’d been crowned Rose Queen, because he said it was the start of my journey to Liverpool, and had it not been for the carnival I might never have come his way.’
At Cadi’s side, Maria dabbed the tears from her eyes. ‘You made Jez happier than I ever thought he could be,’ she told Cadi. ‘I’ll never forget the way he brought you to me, after saving you from Eric. I knew there and then that he’d found the love of his life.’
Cadi’s lips trembled. ‘I wish I could’ve saved him the way he saved me.’
Jill squeezed Cadi’s hand. ‘That’s all poor Aled’s been saying, but the truth is neither of you could’ve saved him.’
Cadi turned to her mother. ‘What’s Aled been saying?’
‘He’s beating himself up because Jez saved his life, but when push came to shove he couldn’t save Jez. I’ve told him over and over that there’s nothing he could’ve done, but it doesn’t make the slightest bit of difference. As far as Aled’s concerned he’s let you both down.’
‘But that’s ridiculous,’ Cadi sniffed.
Jill wagged a chiding finger. ‘You were saying the same thing yourself just a few moments ago, so what’s the difference?’
Cadi opened her mouth to argue before shrugging helplessly. ‘I wish I could’ve done something.’
‘Which is only natural,’ said Jill, ‘but you’re going round in circles, and that won’t do you any good. You need to move forward, not live in the past.’
‘Only I don’t want to move forward,’ said Cadi softly.
Jill glanced over the top of Cadi’s head to Maria, who stepped forward. ‘Jez wouldn’t want you to live in the past, Cadi you know he wouldn’t.’
Cadi shook her head. ‘I hear what you say, but I’ll never be happy again, not without Jez beside me.’
Jill kissed the top of her daughter’s head. ‘I know it feels like that now, but you’ll not feel this way for ever.’
‘I will,’ said Cadi fervently ‘because no one can bring him back.’ She watched as Aled took some soil from the box and sprinkled it into the grave. Grey-faced and hollow-eyed, he looked as though he’d not slept since the day of the attack, and it worried her that he was still on board the Ulysses as rear-gunner. She said as much to Jill and Maria.
‘He’s a different man from the one I met back in the Greyhound,’ said Maria, arching her brow as she looked at Cadi. ‘I know it was a while back, but …’
Cadi shook her head. ‘I’ve never seen him look so ill. He’s carrying a terrible burden.’
‘Why don’t you have a word with him, luv?’ said Jill. ‘Tell him the same as we’ve told you, that working as a rear-gunner is too dangerous a position to be dwelling on things that were out of his control.’
Nodding, Cadi walked over to where Aled was talking to two of Jez’s colleagues. Making his excuses, he turned to greet her.
‘Have you got a minute?’
He nodded. ‘Of course. What can I do for you?’
She spoke quietly. ‘You can stop blaming yourself for not being able to save Jez.’
Rubbing his hand across the back of his neck, he glanced at the sky before looking back to Cadi. ‘He put his life at risk to save me …’
Cadi interrupted without apology. ‘Because he could, and had you been able to do the same I know you would have done, but they were totally different circumstances.’
‘I just feel as though I’ve let him down,’ said Aled. ‘You too, come to that.’
‘Why me?’
‘Because you’ve always been there for me,’ said Aled. ‘Warning me about Daphne, even though you knew it could cause ructions.’ He hesitated. ‘I wish I could’ve done something to help you the way you’ve helped me.’
‘You helped me to look for Jez, and you never left my side when we were waiting to hear … news. You might not think you did much, but you really did. Just being there made the world of difference.’
He pushed his hands into his pockets. ‘You do know that if you ever need me, all you have to do is call?’
She threaded her arm through his. ‘Of course I do.’ She hesitated. ‘I hope you don’t mind my saying, but you look as though you’ve not slept in a month of Sundays.’
‘I’ll be fine,’ said Aled. ‘It’s you I’m worried about.’
She squeezed his arm in hers. ‘Stop worrying about others and start looking after yourself. You’re no good sitting at the back of the plane if your mind’s elsewhere.’
‘Easier said than done,’ Aled confessed. ‘I can’t get that day out of my mind, no matter how hard I try.’
‘I’m the same,’ said Cadi. ‘I keep reliving the moment we found him, over and over – I believe the Canadians refer to it as Groundhog Day.’
Aled puffed his cheeks out. ‘Why do we do it to ourselves, when it doesn’t make the blindest bit of difference to the outcome?’
‘All part of the grieving process, I suppose,’ Cadi said. ‘When something happens so quickly, it can be hard to make sense of, especially when there was no reason for him to die.’
Aled gritted his teeth. ‘That bloody pilot …’ Cursing himself inwardly for voicing his inner thoughts, he shook his head. ‘Sorry. I didn’t mean to …’
Cadi patted his forearm. ‘Don’t worry. I do it all the time.’
Trying to steer away from the day of the attack, Aled changed the subject. ‘Are you going to continue in the WAAF?’
Cadi looked at him in surprise. ‘Of course I am. Why wouldn’t I?’
He shrugged. ‘Too much, maybe?’
‘Better than sitting at home feeling sorry for myself,’ said Cadi, adding as an afterthought, ‘wherever home is.’
He eyed her speculatively. ‘What do you mean, “wherever home is”?’
‘I suppose I feel lost without him,’ said Cadi, sliding her arm out from Aled’s. ‘I know Maria would have me back in the Belmont, and my mother would want me back in Rhos, but I don’t feel as though I belong anywhere other than the WAAF. Does that make sense?’
He nodded. ‘Perfectly.’ He paused as Marnie came over to join them.
She smiled at Cadi. ‘I was so sorry to hear about Jez, Cadi. He was a lovely man. If there’s anything I can do …?’
Cadi returned her smile. ‘I wish there was, but it’s going to take time.’ She glanced meaningfully at Aled. ‘Make sure he takes care of himself, won’t you?’
Marnie arched a doubtful brow. ‘I’ll try my best but I don’t know whether he’ll listen to me.’
Cadi indicated her parents, who were standing by a taxi, waiting for her to join them. ‘Sorry, but I think I’m needed. I hope I’ll see you both at the wake?’
Marnie slid her arm through Aled’s. ‘Of course.’
For Cadi, the rest of the day passed in a dreamlike fashion. She nodded in all the right places, shook people by the hand, accepted their condolences, and did her best to hide the fact that she wanted to run away and pretend that none of it had ever happened. It was only her close friends who knew how she was really feeling. Coming over with a glass of water, Poppy said quietly, ‘We’re right here with you.’
‘Thanks, Poppy. I don’t think I could’ve done this without you and the girls.’
‘All for one,’ said Izzy, who had walked over.
Cadi’s lips hinted at a smile. ‘That’s what Jez used to say, do you remember?’
‘The four musketeers,’ said Izzy.
Cadi blinked. ‘How am I meant to carry on?’
‘One step at a time,’ Poppy told her. ‘You’ve got to learn to live life without Jez, and that’s not going to be easy, but we’re going to be with you every step of the way.’
Cadi twizzled the wedding band on her finger. ‘I haven’t the strength to take it off. I know I should, because I’m not married any more.’
‘You’re still Mrs Thomas,’ said Poppy.
Bill and Maria walked over to join them, and Bill placed his arm around Cadi’s shoulders. ‘I should imagine you’re exhausted; I think we should call it a night, and say goodbye to our guests.’
Cadi stared around her. ‘Can they not stay just a little longer? It may sound silly, but I’m not ready to say goodbye to anyone yet. It feels as though once the wake’s over, that’s it. Life as normal’ – she laughed without mirth – ‘whatever that is.’
Bill squeezed her shoulders. ‘You make it sound so final, but Jez’ll never be gone when there’re still people who remember and love him.’ He took Cadi’s hand and placed it against her chest. ‘Jez’s memory, his thoughts, his love, are buried deep inside you. If you ever want to see him, you only have to look in your heart to find him. That’s why you feel close to him when we’re around, because there’s a little bit of Jez in all of us.’
Maria nodded. ‘Bill’s right. We’ve all got memories of Jez, and half of us wouldn’t be here today if it wasn’t for him.’ She smiled fondly at Cadi. ‘Whenever I see you, I remember the way he used to gaze at you, all soppy.’
‘Like a lovesick puppy,’ Poppy agreed.
Maria gave Cadi a sidelong glance. ‘You know you’d be more than welcome to come and work for me in the Belmont?’
‘Thanks for the offer, Maria, but I feel closer to Jez when I’m part of the air force,’ said Cadi. ‘It’s good to be busy, and my job keeps me on the go from dawn to dusk.’
‘I think Cadi’s doing the right thing,’ said Bill. ‘When me and the lads were making our way back to Blighty, we didn’t have any time to stop and think about things. It was only when I got back that it truly hit home. Having time to think isn’t always a good thing.’
Cadi made her point. ‘I used to have dreadful nightmares after the Greyhound got bombed. So much so, I feared they might haunt me when I had to sleep in a room full of strangers, but I was always so tired it was quite the opposite.’
Maria looked up. ‘And how do you sleep now?’
Cadi breathed out. ‘Truthfully? I don’t get much sleep, and when I do it’s never for long.’
‘And you still go out in the car,’ said Maria. ‘If you’re not careful you’ll wind up causing an accident.’
‘Normally I’d agree with you, but I’m never tired now, not even the teensiest bit. I go to bed wide awake, and I’m like that the whole day through.’
‘It’ll catch up with you at some point,’ said Maria, ‘and when it does, you need to ask for time off, so that you can rest properly.’
‘I will,’ Cadi promised.
They spent the rest of the evening swapping stories about Jez, and Cadi found herself smiling, just a little, when they discussed incidents such as the time Jez had asked the taxi driver to take him to Hillcrest House before realising how it must have sounded. With everyone having more than one story to tell, it was getting late when they said their final goodbyes. The last people to leave were Aled and Marnie.
Taking Aled in a warm embrace, Cadi held him tight. ‘Thanks for everything, Aled. Make sure you take your time on the journey home.’
Leaning back from their embrace, he smiled. ‘If you ever want to talk, just call.’
‘Only if you promise to do the same.’ She turned to Marnie. ‘Thanks for coming. Aled won’t admit it, but I know today’s not been easy for him.’
‘Stiff upper lip and all that,’ agreed Marnie.
Cadi closed the door behind them and slid the bolts across, before turning and seeing that everyone but Poppy had gone upstairs.
‘Aled looked as worn out as yourself. Do you think he’s coping after what happened?’
‘Not in the slightest,’ said Cadi, ‘but I’ve had a good chat with him, and he’s promised to stop blaming himself.’
‘And are you going to listen to your own advice?’ asked Poppy tartly.
‘I’m going to have to,’ said Cadi, a tad reluctantly, ‘because blaming myself doesn’t bring him back.’ Her cheeks reddened as she prepared to make a confession to her oldest friend. ‘But how do I stop feeling guilty? And I know Aled feels guilty too. He’s not said as much, but he doesn’t have to: I can see it in his face, the same as I see it in my own every time I look in the mirror.’
Poppy stared at her, her eyes rounding. ‘Guilty about what?’
Cadi lowered her gaze. ‘About being alive.’
Poppy threw arms around her friend. ‘Oh, Cadi, you mustn’t feel guilty about being alive, because it’s a blessing, something to be thankful for.’ She hesitated. ‘Can I speak frankly?’
Cadi nodded. ‘Of course you can.’
‘Not appreciating every day that you wake up is an insult to Jez, because he doesn’t have that privilege. Being alive is something to celebrate, not regret.’ She paused as she found the words. ‘Jez would be mortified if he thought you intended to spend the rest of your days in mourning. He wanted you to be happy, you said so yourself.’
Cadi knew that Poppy was talking about Jez’s last request: that she should not end her days a widow. ‘I know I promised him, Poppy, but I really don’t know if I can ever keep that promise.’
Poppy eyed her sternly. ‘Then you’re not the woman I take you for. The Cadi I know would never break her word, especially not to someone she loved so dearly.’
Cadi blinked against the tears which started to form. ‘You’re making it sound as though I’m ungrateful.’
Poppy shrugged. ‘I did ask you if I could talk frankly, and you agreed I could. To be honest, Cadi, feeling guilty that you’re not lying in the ground next to Jez is being ungrateful.’
‘I can’t help the way I feel,’ cried Cadi.
‘No, but you can stop living in what should have been, and start living your life as it is now.’ She gave her friend a sympathetic smile. ‘I’m not trying to hurt you, or to be mean – I’m trying to do the exact opposite.’
Cadi nodded miserably. ‘I know you’d never try to upset me, and you’re telling me all this for my own good, and you’re right, of course you are. I promise I’ll do my best to stop living my life mourning what should have been.’
Poppy smiled. ‘That’s all any of us want to hear. Don’t forget Bill’s words: if you ever want to know what Jez would think, say or do in any given situation, all you have to do is look inside your heart to find the answer.’
Cadi enveloped Poppy in a warm embrace. ‘Thanks, Poppy. You really are the best friend a girl could have.’
Aled placed his arm around Marnie’s shoulders as they walked towards the car. ‘I’m glad that’s over with.’
She glanced up at the underside of his chin. ‘I didn’t realise that Cadi was a blonde.’
Aled looked confused. ‘What on earth has the colour of her hair got to do with the price of fish?’
‘Nothing,’ she said slowly. ‘I was just surprised, that’s all.’
‘Do you not remember the day we were carol singing outside the church, and Jez came storming over because he thought you were Cadi?’
She nodded.
‘Well, you must’ve realised the two of you look a little alike, for him to make that mistake,’ said Aled reasonably.
‘I didn’t really think about it at the time,’ Marnie admitted, ‘mainly because I didn’t know who he was.’ She fell into silent thought as she contemplated Jez’s reasons for thinking that Aled might be with Cadi. ‘What made him think I was her, though? We might look a tad similar, but there’s lots of blue-eyed blondes in the WAAF. What made Jez assume that I was Cadi?’
‘Because you were standing next to me.’
Marnie felt her cheeks begin to warm. She didn’t like asking these sorts of questions when Aled had just buried his friend, but something wasn’t sitting right with her. ‘You were about to kiss me at the time. Does that mean that Jez thought you were about to kiss his fiancée? And if so, what on earth would make him think the two of you would behave in such a manner?’
‘Because he’d behaved like a jealous idiot, and he was paranoid in case he’d pushed Cadi into the arms of another man. Only we sorted that out when I gave him a lift to Chester train station.’
