Anxiety Happens, page 1
“There are fifty-two weeks in the year, and fifty-two nuggets of gold glinting in this short book. You don’t have to climb to the top of a mountain to find your guru: John Forsyth and Georg Eifert are sitting, figuratively speaking, right in this book. They guide you through well-tested, poignant exercises and mind changers for stopping anxiety from interfering with the life you want to live. And they talk to you the way they suggest you talk to yourself: with compassion, openness, acceptance, and wisdom.”
—Ian M. Evans, FRSNZ, professor emeritus of psychology at Massey University, New Zealand; and author of How and Why People Change
“Forsyth and Eifert have written a rare book, which combines solid scholarship, enormously practical tools, and an overflowing heart. Anxiety is pervasive, perhaps these days more than ever. To find a deep sense of confidence and inner peace, I highly recommend this book.”
—Rick Hanson, PhD, New York Times bestselling author of Resilient
“Anxiety Happens is a gem of a book. It reads like a gentle journey with a wise and caring guide. The highly expert authors guide you every step of the way, as you develop the willingness, self-compassion, and wisdom needed to embrace the fullness of a life well lived. It’s just excellent.”
—Dennis Tirch, PhD, author of The Compassionate-Mind Guide to Overcoming Anxiety
“John and Georg have done it again: this is now their third superb book for radically transforming the way we respond to anxiety. In fifty-two bite-sized chapters, they’ll show you a wide variety of simple yet powerful ways to powerfully change your relationship with fear, anxiety, and insecurity in all their different forms. You’ll learn not just how to disarm anxiety, but how to actively utilize it to build a rich and meaningful life. If you want to get past your blocks and barriers, develop a deep sense of inner security, and do those important things that really scare you—this is the book for you!”
—Russ Harris, author of The Happiness Trap
Publisher’s Note
This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information in regard to the subject matter covered. It is sold with the understanding that the publisher is not engaged in rendering psychological, financial, legal, or other professional services. If expert assistance or counseling is needed, the services of a competent professional should be sought.
Distributed in Canada by Raincoast Books
Copyright © 2018 by John P. Forsyth and Georg H. Eifert
New Harbinger Publications, Inc.
5674 Shattuck Avenue
Oakland, CA 94609
www.newharbinger.com
Cover design by Amy Shoup; Acquired by Tesilya Hanauer; Edited by Kristi Hein
All Rights Reserved
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Names: Forsyth, John P., 1965- author. | Eifert, Georg H., 1952- author.
Title: Anxiety happens : 52 ways to find peace of mind / John P. Forsyth, PhD, and Georg H. Eifert, PhD.
Description: Oakland, CA : New Harbinger Publications, Inc., [2018]
Identifiers: LCCN 2017044311 (print) | LCCN 2017050888 (ebook) | ISBN 9781684031115 (PDF e-book) | ISBN 9781684031122 (ePub) | ISBN 9781684031108 (pbk. : alk. paper)
Subjects: LCSH: Anxiety--Treatment--Popular works. | Meditation--Therapeutic use.
Classification: LCC RC531 (ebook) | LCC RC531 .F669 2018 (print) | DDC 616.85/2206--dc23
LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2017044311
For my wife, Jamie: your enduring love and support have turned darkness into light and have made all things possible. I love you! And for the many people who struggle with anxiety and fear: this book is a testament to your courage, strength, and basic goodness.
—JPF
For my wife, Diana: I am grateful and truly blessed that we can share our paths toward fulfillment with love, humor, and joy—we know that all possibilities are within us. And for my teachers, different ones at different times: without your inspiration I would not be where I am today.
—GHE
Contents
Acknowledgments
Introduction
1. LIVE Your Life
2. Find Connection
3. Creating Space
4. Live with Intention
5. Release the Fear
6. Exploring the Costs
7. The Struggle Trap
8. Letting Go
9. Flip the Switch
10. Do the Opposite
11. Taking a Leap
12. Voices of Anxiety
13. On Autopilot
14. Whole, Complete, Enough
15. Kindness and Self-Care
16. Cultivating Allowing
17. Popping the Illusion
18. Not Buying It
19. Getting Unstuck
20. Humanizing the Mind
21. Words, Letters, and Ink
22. Be Patient
23. Disarming Anxiety
24. Who Am I, Really?
25. The Expansive Self
26. Let It Be
27. Drop the Stories
28. Behavior Matters!
29. Discover Your Passions
30. Finding Your North Star
31. Opening the Right Doors
32. Making Wise Choices
33. Do, No Trying
34. Exercise Kindness
35. Don’t Feed It
36. Body Surfing Emotions
37. Refocus, Reconnect, and Redirect
38. Moving with Barriers
39. Lay Off the But(t)s
40. Unhooking from the Past
41. Grounding in the Now
42. Releasing Attachments
43. Drifting Along
44. Take Good Care
45. Reclaim Your Power
46. The Gift of Gratitude
47. Paying It Forward
48. Taking the Reins
49. Inhabiting Your Body
50. Growing Through Adversity
51. One Step at a Time
52. The Journey Ahead
Acknowledgments
The seeds of this book were planted several years ago when Catharine Myers—our associate publisher at New Harbinger and a longtime friend—encouraged us to share our collective wisdom, teachings, and exercises that over the years we’ve found to be of enormous benefit to so many people who struggle with anxiety. Catherine has supported us tirelessly through many writing projects for well over a decade, including inspiring us to write this book. We deeply appreciate her friendship and wise counsel, along with her creative spirit and editorial skills. Thank you!
We would also like to thank our copy editor, Kristi Hein, for her tireless and masterful editing. The book you have in your hands is better than it was because of Kristi’s gentle touch and astute suggestions during the editing process.
And finally, we would like to thank you, the reader, for having enough faith in us to pick up this book and see what it may offer you. Know that you are not walking alone and you have everything you need to thrive when anxiety happens. We wish you much peace and joy on your life journey!
Introduction
We live in an age of anxiety. It’s an experience shared by millions of people on this planet. You may know what it’s like. You feel it. You think it. You may confront it from the moment you wake up until you go to sleep at night. Even then, sleep may offer no comfort.
There’s no escaping this simple truth. Anxiety has been with us for as long as we know. Our ancestors needed it to survive. We need it too. But in our modern industrialized world, few of us are facing down predators on a daily basis. Still, many experience anxiety and fear daily, and, in a way, it can feel like being followed by a hungry lion wherever you go. Over time, anxiety can strip away your passion and zest for life. And it can literally take over your life and become your life. It’s bad enough just to have anxiety. But when it begins to rob you of your freedom, you have a problem with anxiety. Yet it doesn’t have to be this way.
This little book offers fifty-two ways to break free from the snares, the traps, and all the false hopes and promises that anxiety and fear set for you. Like a child throwing a tantrum, anxiety forces itself into our awareness and can deplete our energy, resources, and resolve. It screams, “Pay attention to me or else!” It makes it seem like your life is at stake. But the biggest “or else” message is this: “You won’t be happy, so long as you feel anxious or afraid.” This is a natural setup for endless struggle. Anxiety is no longer an emotion that can be felt and experienced. Anxiety is now a problem that must be overcome before you can have the kind of life you so desperately want. Yet it doesn’t have to be this way either.
The Struggle Is Costly
Ancient wisdom and modern science teach us that anxiety and fear are two of many unpleasant emotions that all human beings will experience as long as they’re alive. In fact, you wouldn’t be reading this book without them. But the struggle with anxiety is different. It is the source of great hardship and pain—and it is mostly unnecessary. This is important to understand.
Often, when anxiety and fear show up, we see them as the enemy. We harden, shut down, and withdraw. Naturally, then, we want to struggle to bury them, fight them, or run away from them. Meanwhile, the clock is ticking. Moments spent st
Anxiety in and of itself, without the struggle, can be useful in many ways. Our ancestors needed it to stay safe and alive. We need it in the modern-day world too. Sometimes anxiety is a warning call, telling us that something is wrong or even harmful or dangerous. It may even give you a nudge to accomplish goals. Or it may alert you to something amiss in your life. Maybe you’re off course and far from the life you wish to lead. Anxiety will show up then too. Anxiety may also be a sign that something is so important to you that you care intensely about it. So intensely, in fact, that you fear losing it.
What you don’t need is the constant struggle with anxiety. Paradoxically, the more you try to get rid of anxiety, the more it gains a hold on you. It often increases over time. Learning to let go of the struggle is a powerful antidote to the misery caused by endless unsuccessful struggles with your emotional pain.
The Freedom to Create Your Best Life
Since the dawn of time, millions of people all over the world have felt the self-limiting blows of crushing anxiety and fear. We certainly have too. Many have also found enormous grace and healing by walking themselves through the material we’re about to share with you. And their lives are better for it. This can happen for you too.
This book offers you hope and a way into the life you want, one in which you’re not held back by your struggles with anxiety. This new approach is based on several streams of solid research, our own and that of others, spanning emotion science (that is, work showing that suppression and control of thoughts and feelings makes them worse), mindfulness-based interventions such as acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT), and contemporary research supporting positive life changes, human thriving, and psychological health and wellness. We won’t be covering the science in this book—this is not the place for that. Rather, we are offering you a set of tested strategies that will help you tip the scales back to where anxiety becomes just a normal part of living fully. But this is hard to do unless you’re willing to look at things differently.
There is a space between you and what you think and feel—a moment in time when you can choose how to respond and what you will do. In this space, you can choose to relate differently with your anxious mind and body—and your life. You can learn to let go of the struggle and start moving in directions in which you want your life to go. This is the way to create genuine happiness, peace of mind, and a wholehearted life. This book aims to start you on this journey.
Some ideas and teachings in this book may seem odd, backward, even strange to you. But if you stick with them, you’ll gain freedom from suffering and the turmoil that anxiety creates in your life. You’ll learn how to transform your relationship with anxiety. No longer tormented by it. No longer a slave to it. You’ll learn to tap into your inner strength and courage to let anxiety be without getting knocked around by it. Then, and only then, will you be free to do what you really care about.
We invite you to dive into this book with an open mind and a willingness to try something new, opposite, and different from what you’ve done before. As you do, be mindful that we’re not asking you to like what you think or feel. Nobody likes anxiety or fear. Nor will we ask you to condone past wrongs committed against you. What we’ll teach you is how to move beyond anxiety and fear and create the optimal conditions for your own genuine happiness and peace of mind. This is something you can do.
Use This Book Wisely
This book will teach you fifty-two ways to stop running from your anxiety, fears, and worries and instead spend more time creating the life you want to live. To benefit, you don’t need to believe what we say. You don’t even need to understand all of it.
The simple, short, and powerful exercises in this book offer you new experiences, skills, and ways of approaching anxiety and your life. Do the exercises in a quiet place where you feel comfortable and distraction is limited. Let’s call this your peaceful place, your safe refuge. Simply read the instructions twice and follow them as best as you can.
We guarantee that your mind will throw many arguments at you as to why this or that sounds impossible, is too difficult, or doesn’t make any sense. When such thoughts show up, thank your mind for each of them. Then move on. There’s no need to argue with your mind. Don’t get stuck trying to convince yourself of anything.
The only thing we ask is that you stay open. Do the exercises and check out whether, over time, they start working for you. You have little to lose and much to gain by approaching your anxiety problems in a radically different way. We’ll show you that way.
Of course, you don’t have to keep on doing all the exercises forever. The whole point of the exercises is to teach you a new way of navigating life’s ups and downs so that you can live in alignment with what matters to you. Make a note of the exercises that work best for you, and then keep on practicing those! After a while they will become a habit. It’s also a good idea to go back and reread chapters that deal with issues you continue to struggle with.
Keep in mind that this book offers a journey of change, growth, and self-discovery. To make a real difference in your life, you’ll need to start doing something new and unlike anything you’ve done before. That’s what this book offers you—the hope of a new life even with anxiety. When you wholeheartedly and genuinely work with this book, it will work for you. You’ll find that you’re freer to exercise your capacity to create your own destiny without anxiety limiting you. That much we know from our own research and experience. So let’s get started.
1
LIVE Your Life
All of us wish to be genuinely happy and to thrive. But this isn’t easy to do. Life will inevitably offer obstacles, problems, and pain. No one can escape this simple truth. But this doesn’t mean you have to be miserable. It doesn’t mean that you have to live in fear.
Anxiety happens. It’s not a choice. But you can live your life without anxiety controlling you. This doesn’t mean that you’ll never feel any painful emotions again. You will. We will. Every person on this planet will. But feeling these emotions when you feel them doesn’t mean that you have to suffer.
Emotions happen. We have little control over them. But you can control how you respond to your emotional life. Anxiety doesn’t have to control you. It is you who can decide whether anxiety and fear control you or not. You can learn to feel whatever you feel and think whatever you think and go forward to create the kind of life you wish to live. This is the path to unlocking your inner power to control your life and create genuine happiness.
You can create the conditions for your genuine happiness and peace of mind. You don’t have to remain stuck in anxiety and fear, or mired down in the difficulties that life offers. The trick is learning to live well when life is hard and unkind. This is the heart of the LIVE approach in this book:
Letting go. You’ve probably heard it said that “what you resist, persists.” And what you resist will amplify your pain and suffering while draining your energy and robbing you of your freedom. The way out of this cycle is to learn to let go of the struggle with what your mind and body offer you. In this way, you free up your precious energy and resources to do what you really care about and LIVE without fear controlling you.
Inviting. Nobody chooses anxiety. But you can choose how you relate with it. Instead of resisting, you learn to open up to what you’re experiencing anyway. You get curious. You learn to welcome all aspects of you—everything that your mind, body, and emotional life dish out. You watch and welcome your experiences with kindness and compassion––with love. Stepping back and allowing will help you find peace and joy, even in difficulty, and LIVE your best life.
Valuing. Without a clear sense of direction, our choices in life can lead us astray—or worse, toward dead ends. To really LIVE, you’ll need to know what you wish to LIVE for. You’ll need to clarify what really matters to you—your values—and then make wise choices that support the kind of person you wish to be and the kind of life you wish to lead.
