Anxiety Happens, page 5
But if you can step back a little, you’ll begin to notice that thoughts are just a bunch of words, with no real form or substance. This will open your mind to more than the automatic conclusions and reactions you may draw from those words. The next exercise will help you see for yourself that thoughts are just words too.
Playing with Thoughts
Let’s start with the word “spider.” When you think “spider,” what does it look like in your mind? Can you see it crawling? If spiders scare you in real life, you may even feel a little anxious or disgusted. Now sit where you can see a clock. Say that word “spider” out loud, over and over, as fast as you can: “Spider, spider, spider…” Do it for exactly forty seconds.
When you’re done, reflect on what happened to the meaning of the word after forty seconds. Did it still make you feel creepy (if you felt creepy)? And did it continue to summon the image of the spider? Or, did the words start running together, morphing into an odd sound—“ider, ider, ider…”? Notice too how quickly the meaning of the word dissolves during those forty seconds.
Right now, repeat the exercise. But this time use a thought you tell yourself when you’re anxious or afraid—something that gets you tangled up and struggling. Give it a one-word name, like “worry,” “panic,” “anxious,” “alone,” “sadness,” “death,” “dirtiness,” “sickness,” “heights,” or “crowds.” You may use a judgmental word, like “ugly,” “stupid,” “worthless,” or “boring.” It might even hurt or make you mad to think this word.
Now say that word out loud as fast as you can for about forty seconds. Then stop and reflect. Does the word still sound as believable as it once did? Can you see how it’s also just a word, a sound without form or substance?
This powerful exercise teaches us that the mind can create an illusion of anxiety monsters that are really not monsters at all. The monsters are words, linked with images and sounds, that have meanings that you’ve learned to give them. When you understand that about the mind, you’ll develop your capacity to get unhooked from its many snares. You’ll also learn to see that you are not what you think.
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Not Buying It
Like a skilled salesperson, the mind is constantly offering us thoughts and hoping that we buy whatever it offers. Sometimes the mind offers useful and life-affirming thoughts. These are certainly worthy of our attention. But often the products of the human mind are not helpful. When you buy into unhelpful thoughts, you’ll know it, because it leaves you feeling more anxious and with a deep sense that your life is getting smaller.
You can learn to break this cycle. To do that, you’ll need to recognize your thoughts and images for what they really are. Thoughts! But, as the next exercise teaches us, there’s an important distinction between you and the products of your mind. This simple and powerful exercise will help you when your mind is trying to get you to buy into unhelpful thoughts.
Having Second Thoughts?
The practice here is simple, but it will take some getting used to. Whenever you have a thought, preface it with “I’m having the thought that…” For example, when you say or think “I’ll have a panic attack if I go out,” you can think or say out loud, “I’m having the thought that I’ll have a panic attack if I go out.” Or if you find yourself thinking, “I need to get a handle on my anxiety or my life will go downhill,” you can say out loud, “I’m having the thought that I need to get a handle on my anxiety or my life will go downhill.” The practice is to notice that you’re having thoughts.
You can apply the same strategy to scary images or feelings. With images you can say to yourself, “I’m having the image that [insert an image that bothers you].” With feelings, you can say to yourself, “I’m having the feeling that I’m about to die” or “I’m having the feeling that [insert what you typically feel].”
If you find this too clumsy or difficult, there’s an even simpler way of labeling. Whenever any thought comes up, just label it thinking: “There’s thinking.” Whenever an image comes up, tell yourself “There’s a picture.” And when physical sensations come up, just label each of them, one at a time, as “There’s a sensation.”
Practice doing this deliberately with anything your mind or body offers you. This will give you space to see your thoughts and emotional experiences for what they are—products of your mind that need not always be listened to, trusted, or believed.
It takes a while to develop these new labeling and language habits. It’ll probably feel awkward at first. Just stay the course and keep practicing. These new skills will help you see thoughts as thoughts, images as images, and feelings as feelings. Even when the most intense and scary thoughts, images, or feelings seem highly believable, remind yourself that they’re still only thoughts, images, or feelings. This will give you the space you need to move forward when your anxieties and fears show up. You don’t need to buy into everything your mind dishes out.
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Getting Unstuck
It can be very hard to move forward when your mind tells you to stay right where you are because it’s safer, less risky. When you’re anxious or afraid, your mind may even conjure up all kinds of reasons why you should either just stay put or run. But it’s important to understand that your mind is baiting a trap that ultimately keeps you stuck, far from the life you wish to have.
The most dangerous of those traps comes in the form of reasons and a litany of justifications for running away from anxiety instead of staying with it. Your mind may say, “You’ll make a fool of yourself if you go to the show, or do this or that.” It may proclaim, “If you panic, then you might hurt yourself (or someone else), embarrass yourself, or even die. It may declare, “You can’t go to the show because you’ll fall apart, have a nervous breakdown, be unable to cope or breathe, or lose all control.” All of these thoughts bait you to just sit on your hands and do nothing.
More deeply, your mind is saying, “You can’t have anxiety and live your life!” But you certainly can live your life with or without anxiety. This takes some courage on your part. Courage is the decision that something else is more important than the fear.
When your anxious mind tries to trap you, sitting still with your thoughts and not doing what they say is one of the most courageous things you can do. It’s courageous because the impulse to cut and run, or avoid, is so strong and automatic. Doing nothing about anxious thoughts and feelings is the more difficult path.
Your mind will be screaming at you to listen to it, just as you’ve always done. But you don’t need to listen, even when your mind is throwing a tantrum. You can simply watch your thoughts as thoughts. And if you stay committed to this practice, you’ll find that it’ll get easier to observe and just take note of thoughts, images, and urges rather than doing as they say.
One simple way to get started is with mind watching. When you practice watching your mind, you learn to be an observer instead of taking in and swallowing whatever nasty-looking stuff your mind dishes out. You learn how to spot when your mind is baiting you with thoughts that not only keep you stuck, but also make you anxious and afraid, and may even leave you feeling bad about yourself. This next exercise will get you started.
Mind Watching
Get in a comfortable place where you won’t be disturbed for five to ten minutes. Begin by closing your eyes and taking a series of slow, deep breaths.
Imagine your mind is a medium-sized white room with two doors. Thoughts come in through the front door and leave through the back door.
Simply watch each thought as it enters the white room. Don’t analyze it. Don’t engage or argue with it. Don’t believe or disbelieve it. Just acknowledge having the thought—that’s all. Acknowledge it and do nothing with it. Keep on watching the thought until it leaves. When the thought seems like it wants to go, then let it go. Don’t try to hold on to it.
Keep breathing, keep watching. A thought doesn’t require you to react; it doesn’t make you do anything; it doesn’t mean you’re less of a person for having it.
Again, watch and notice your thoughts and treat them as if they were visitors passing in and out of the white room. Let them have their brief moment on the stage. Then, when they’re ready to go, let them leave, and greet and label the next thought—and the next.
Continue this exercise until you sense a real emotional distance from your thoughts. Wait until even the judgments are just a moment in the room—no longer important, no longer requiring action.
Practice this exercise at least once a day.
The key to this Mind Watching exercise is to notice and observe judgmental and other unwanted thoughts rather than getting caught up in them. The more you practice being an observer, the more you’ll be able to let any thought come and go without it controlling you. Make an intention to do that. Recognizing how mind traps keep you stuck is an important skill. It’s also a critical step out of the struggle-and-avoidance trap. This is how you’ll get your freedom back.
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Humanizing the Mind
You’ve met people you don’t like very much—we all have. These people may annoy you. They may even scare you, revealing your deepest fears and vulnerabilities. Their words and actions are unwelcome, perhaps upsetting, and yet they prod you in ways that hurt. And you end up feeling bad.
Your mind can be like one of these people—bullying and taunting you. Here you can benefit from getting some perspective. One simple way is to ask yourself, “Who’s telling me that right now?” If your anxious mind were a person standing behind you, would you really want to listen to that person? Has this person given you useful advice in the past?
But this may seem a bit too abstract. So let’s do another exercise, created by John’s wife Jamie, to make this teaching more concrete. You may wish to jot down your answers on a piece of paper.
Who Am I Dealing With?
Begin by getting in touch with your anxious or fearful mind. Focus on the unsettling messages your mind feeds you about you and your life before, during, or after you’re anxious or afraid. Now let’s see what this mind of yours would be like if it were a person you’d just met. Go ahead and imagine this for a moment. Close your eyes, if that helps you create a clearer image.
Imagine what this person is like in as much detail as you possibly can. What kind of personality does your anxious mind have? What kind of person are you dealing with here? Is this a caring, loving person, or someone who is critical, harsh, and opinionated? Is this someone you’d like to spend time with? Would you want to be friends or have this person over for dinner?
Now let’s fill in some details. Is this person male or female? How old is he or she? What does the person’s face look like? What does the person’s body look like? How tall is the person, and what does he or she normally wear? How does this person carry himself or herself?
Now go further. How does this person sound? Loud? Opinionated? Boastful? Negative? Nagging? Does the person speak with an accent?
Then step back for a moment and ask yourself: Who is this person? Give the person a name—don’t be afraid to choose a funny one. Take time to reflect.
Once you have this character clearly in your mind, imagine that she or he shows up on your doorstep one day uninvited. As you open the door slowly, ask yourself: What is my reaction to seeing this character? Am I choosing to greet this person in a loving way, perhaps as a dear friend or family member? Or do I choose to greet the anxiety character as an enemy or unwelcome guest? You might be ambivalent. Notice here that treating anxiety with ambivalence or as an enemy would not be something you would hope for in a healthy relationship with another person in your life. This is where things need to change.
If your anxious mind were a real person like the character you just created, would you really want to listen to everything the person had to say? Would you let the person dictate what you do and when? Probably not. So choose the kind of relationship you wish to have with your mind and emotional life.
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Words, Letters, and Ink
Thoughts can seem solid, with form and substance, like giant rocks weighing you down. But this is a great illusion. In truth, thoughts are like smoke wafting up from a burning incense stick. We may try to grab the smoke, but it eludes us. We may try to hold on to the smoke, but it slips through our fingers. Eventually, the smoke dissipates and there’s nothing left. No lasting trace. Nothing to grasp at. This is the true nature of thoughts—words and images without form and substance.
Learning to see the real nature of thoughts is a powerful way to pop the illusion that you are your thoughts, or that all thoughts must be listened to and believed.
The next exercise will help you further cultivate this important skill.
Thoughts on Cards
This exercise can be done anytime and anywhere that anxious thoughts and urges show up. All you need are some small pieces of paper or index cards. When your anxieties and fears show up, simply label them, placing each thought, worry, sensation, urge, or image on its own card. Be specific!
Next, look at what you put down on the card. If we asked you to describe what you see, what would you tell us? Your first reaction may be, “I see the words…duh.” But here we want you to get more granular. What do you actually see on the card? Just focus on what you wrote down.
If you take a moment and just focus on what your eyes see, you’ll notice that you see words, letters, and ink. That’s it. If you wrote down “I am incompetent” and look at that, you’ll see words, letters, and ink. If what you wrote was “I am a banana,” you’ll see the same thing: words, letters, and ink. All thoughts are made up of the same stuff.
A moment ago, the thoughts and urges were inside your head. They probably seemed really hard and heavy in there. Now they’re out, exposed, and you can look at them. Allow yourself time to see them for what they are. What happens when you turn your life over to the words, letters, and ink on the card? Notice that you have a choice to do what the card says—to struggle—or you can allow what you wrote to be just as it is: a thought, a sensation, an image, an urge to act. Just words, letters, and ink.
To get a sense of the struggle, place the card with the thought or urge on it between your hands and push your hands together really hard. Do this for at least thirty seconds and then stop. Gently place the card on your lap. Notice the difference in effort between pushing against the thought or urge compared to the experience of the card gently resting on your lap.
It’s very helpful to practice holding your thoughts and urges by carrying them with you. To do that, place the cards in your pocket, purse, or briefcase as you go about your daily activities. Notice that you can move with them.
Once in a while, when you have a moment during the day, take the cards out and look at them, but make sure you don’t get hooked by what they say—just look and observe. Remind yourself what you’re really looking at—words, letters, and ink. Notice that you have a choice: to get caught up in the thoughts you see on the cards, or to do something else in your life. If you look to your experience for advice, you’ll know what to do. It’s time to trust your experience, not what your anxious mind says.
Practice putting your thoughts and urges on cards and taking them with you wherever you go. Do this every day for as long as you wish. If you like, you can change the cards from time to time. Some people we’ve worked with tell us that they prepare a stack of index cards. Then, every morning, they shuffle them and pick four or five different cards and carry them around for the day. The cards will be there any time you wish to attend to them, just as your old history is always with you.
Remember, every time you happen to touch or read a card during the day without getting tangled up in what it says, or doing as it says, you’re honing an important skill. Over time, you’ll notice a sense of detachment from the pull that those words have had on you for so long.
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Be Patient
Learning to watch thoughts come and go in the white room and move with them as you did with mindful walking are great skills that you can use daily. But when anxiety and fear show up and become more intense, they can drain away your hope and abiding intention to stay with yourself. It can seem nearly impossible to be inside your own skin and stay where you are. We naturally want to get away from discomfort. The urge to do something can be painfully strong, with the energy and explosive force of an intense storm. This can leave you feeling out of control and frightened.
You can learn to ride along with the energy inside—the thunder of your impulses, the lightning of your fear, the relentless uncertainty of your anxiety, or the pounding wind and rain that drives your tendency to cut and run. This takes some courage. You can practice just being with it, without letting it blow you away. This is another powerful way to live fearlessly—a life that is not dictated by fear.
This Too Shall Pass
Get comfortable in your chair and allow your eyes to close gently. Take a few moments to notice the natural rhythm of your breath as you breathe in and out.
As you settle, bring to mind a recent situation where you felt the strong urge to cut and run from your fear and anxiety. Bring the situation alive in your mind as best you can. Where were you? Who else was there? What happened? What did you experience then, and what are you experiencing again right now?
As you bring the situation to mind, notice the storm of anxiety or fear rolling in. Notice any turbulent physical changes in your body, including pain, pressure, or other scary sensations. There may be lightning strikes of thoughts, perhaps about your sensations and feelings. What’s your mind telling you about them? About the situation? About you?
