Anxiety Happens, page 2
Engaging. No matter how you cut it, your life is created by what you spend your time doing. To do more of what you really desire in life, you’ll need to set intentions that are in line with what matters to you and then take action—in short, you’ll need to do something with your mouth, hands, and feet (that is, speaking, creating, stepping in a direction). This is how you LIVE out your important values. As you engage your values and your life, you’ll be armed with a new set of skills from this book to help you move with any challenges that show up along the way and to LIVE wholeheartedly.
The following brief exercise will give you a small taste of the LIVE approach.
What It Means to LIVE
Recall a recent time when you found yourself running late or stuck waiting in traffic or a store checkout line. Bring the scene to life as we walk you through each piece of LIVE.
Letting go—Let go of your old struggle with anxiety and fruitless attempts to control what you’re experiencing in your mind and body.
Inviting—Open up and notice the thoughts and feelings you’re having as you sit or stand there, stuck. Notice the judgment, complaining, huffing and puffing under your breath, and expletives. Notice the effect this is having on your body. Do you feel tension, anger, anxiety, stress, frustration, even fear? See if you can simply watch all this activity—step back and notice it for what it is, with some kindness and friendliness. There’s nothing to do except to be right where you are.
Valuing—Step back further, as if watching yourself, and ask what you want to be about right now, as a person, in this situation. See if you can connect with what matters to you, which may include the reason you’re out and about in the first place. You have somewhere you want to go, something you want to do.
Engaging—Imagine yourself doing something other than getting all worked up about being delayed, stuck, and waiting. What would you do? What do you want to be about as a person? What would that look like right now? Whatever it is, see yourself using your mouth, hands, and feet to do something that reflects what you want to be about in this situation—what you value and care about.
If this exercise didn’t flow easily for you, don’t worry. The point is to see how struggle and suffering can show up in common, everyday situations and how we can learn to let go, open up, connect with what matters, and LIVE. As you read on, you’ll learn how to master the skills inside the LIVE approach and be able to use them with anxiety or in other challenging areas of your life.
2
Find Connection
Many people suffering with anxiety feel utterly alone. You may feel that way too. You may think that nobody could possibly understand what it’s like to feel as bad as you feel. But there are countless people all over the world who share your fears and your struggles. Consider how many people that might be.
People with anxiety problems live in every town, state, and country. Being young or old, rich or poor, offers no protection. Having a college degree or social status offers little comfort either. In fact, anxiety ranks among the most common of all forms of human suffering that we know of, affecting about one-third of the population at some point in their lifetimes. That’s about one hundred million people in the United States alone.
To bring the numbers home, imagine that one day everyone who struggles with anxiety decides to wear something red. If that were so, then you’d be hard-pressed to go about your day without seeing someone wearing red. If you asked one of these people how she was doing, the person may say “Fine,” but inside you know the heart of it. You know that that person also suffers as you suffer. And in that moment you’d know that you’re no longer alone.
But this book isn’t about faceless people and statistics. It’s about you and your freedom, and helping you to show up in your life, fully and without defenses. We’ll start with an exercise that will teach you how to observe your experience just as it is. We focus on the breath because it’s always with you, and it can be your refuge, guiding you back to the present moment—the place you need to fully inhabit if you want to make a difference in your life. Just read the instructions a few times first and then do the exercise on your own as best you can. Allow yourself five to ten minutes; set a timer if that helps.
Centered Breathing
Place one hand on your chest and the other on your belly. Allow your eyes to close gently, and get centered right where you are.
Bring your attention to the rising and falling of your chest and belly. Notice the movement of your hands as you breathe in and out through your nose. Notice each inhale and slow exhale.
Get curious about your experience. You may shift your awareness from the movement of your hands on your chest and belly to the sensations of warmth or coolness as you breathe in and out through your nose. Just breathe naturally and notice. Simply allow yourself to be here, now, with your breath.
If thoughts or anything else distracts you, notice that and then gently bring your awareness back to the breath. Do this gently and as often as necessary.
End this practice by setting an intention to come back to your centered breath as often as needed during your day. Set a timer on your phone or device as a reminder to check in with your breath and the present moment.
Practice this Centered Breathing exercise as often as you can. It’s a powerful skill and antidote to the suffering that the mind and body can create around anxiety and fear. With each practice, you’re developing your capacity to observe and be present with your experiences. This will help you create the necessary space to consider what really matters to you in this life.
3
Creating Space
Anxiety and fear will make you contract and will pull you into dark places far from the life you wish to lead. As you get smaller, so too will your life. That needs to change, because life is asking you to stretch your wings, open, and become the person you wish to be. So to counter the natural tendency to close and withdraw when anxiety strikes, you’ll need to learn how to open and expand your awareness, right where you are.
The next exercise will help you learn to do just that. The aim is not to be open and expansive all the time—that’s unrealistic—but to give you the skills to create inner space to acknowledge and make room for the experiences you’re having anyway, as often as you need to. This is important so that you can show up to your life and live it. It’s also important when anxiety and other unpleasant thoughts and emotions try to pull you into dark places, including the past that once was or a future that is yet to be.
There’s no right or wrong way to do this exercise, or any of the others in this book, except for one directive: don’t use them to fight your experience. Fighting will get you nowhere. Instead, set the intention to be here and now with whatever is happening anyway. Open up to your experience. Get curious about you and what’s happening right now.
Creating Space Within
Get into a comfortable sitting position where you won’t be disturbed for five to ten minutes. Read through the instructions a few times; then close your eyes and begin the practice. If you’d rather keep your eyes slightly open, that’s okay, but it’s best to focus on a spot—say, on the floor just in front of you—so you don’t get too distracted.
Allow your eyes to close gently. Take a couple of gentle breaths—in and out—and notice the sound and feel of your own breath as you breathe.
Now turn your attention to being just where you are. Allow your awareness to drift to the world around you—what do you notice?
Next, allow your awareness to drift inside of you. Gently acknowledge any physical sensations in your body. Do the same for any thoughts, and notice how they may change or shift from moment to moment.
With each inhale, imagine that you’re creating more and more space for any thoughts or sensations in your body, more space within you for you to be you, right here where you are.
Continue breathing. Continue expanding until you experience a sense of spaciousness within you.
Then, when you’re ready, gradually widen your attention to take in the sounds around you, and slowly open your eyes with the intention to bring this centered awareness to the many moments to come in your day.
We encourage you to practice this Creating Space Within exercise daily. Find a time and place that’s right for you. It will help you make room for you to show up and do what you care about, even if your mind and body offer you unpleasant stuff now and then.
4
Live with Intention
Most of us are creatures of habit. We run about our day on autopilot, without conscious awareness of what we’re doing. If we allow this to go unchecked, we can quickly end up feeling cut off and disconnected from our lives and our hearts. Anxiety and fear are two powerful emotions that trigger this automatic, reactive way of being. Like a bully, they push many people into places they’d rather not go. But this isn’t inevitable.
There is a space between you and the anxiety and fear where you can choose something new. In that space, you can learn to become more purposeful, less automatic. You can harness your capacity to follow your heart. To do that, you’ll need to become clear about what you want to be about. You need to know your intentions for the kind of life you wish to lead. Only then can you consciously make commitments to act in ways that honor your intentions. In short, where your intentions go, your attention and energy will follow.
Let’s pause for a moment and sink into what that might mean. When you commit to doing something new, what possibilities lie ahead for you? Do you even know? Have you taken time to consider what your life could become? The next brief exercise will help you get in touch with that.
Heartfelt Intentions
Get into a comfortable sitting position where you won’t be disturbed for five to ten minutes. You may also find it helpful to have a piece of paper and pen or pencil handy.
Close your eyes and take a moment to center yourself. With each centering breath, let your awareness settle more deeply into the space around your heart. This is a place full of enormous wisdom—it knows what’s right for you.
As you settle into that heart space, ask yourself: Why are you here, reading this book? What do you want to be about in this life? What are your intentions going forward? Connect with the kind of life you wish to lead.
Then sit quietly and listen to your heart for the answers. One by one they will come. Maybe it’s just a whisper, or even a word or two. Whatever it is, connect with your inner wisdom about you and what you want to be about in this lifetime.
When you’re ready, slowly open your eyes. These are your intentions. If you like, you can also jot down your answers.
Before ending this exercise, review your heartfelt intentions. Bring them to mind as clearly as you can, and if you’ve written them down, read them slowly. As you review, feel free to add any new intentions that might come to you. And then make a commitment to yourself to honor your intentions by doing the exercises in this book, even if they’re hard to do at times.
If you’ve written down your intentions, you can finish this exercise by signing your name at the bottom of your list. Your signature represents your commitment to do what you can to bring your intentions to life. Keep this list close by as you work with the material in this book.
Change can be scary and liberating at the same time. It involves some risk. Yet the risk of doing more of the same ought to be more frightening, for it has gotten you to this place. To get something new, you’ll need to do something new. It’s that simple. And it starts with making a commitment, guided by your intentions, to change the way you do things. When you start looking at your life and your anxiety differently, you have much to gain and nothing to lose.
5
Release the Fear
Fear and anxiety are two unpleasant emotions that can be healthy and adaptive. They propel us into action. Their purpose is to keep us alive and out of trouble. That’s it!
Anxiety and fear also come in many shapes and guises. You may experience the powerful rush of panic, along with intense bodily changes (like a racing heart), feelings of terror, and thoughts of impending doom. These panic attacks may seem to come out of the blue, or they may be triggered by specific situations (such as in social settings, in a crowded store, on an airplane, at certain heights).
You may be haunted by memories of traumatic experiences you once endured. Or you may find yourself caught in a cycle of unwelcome obsessive thoughts and ritualistic acts like checking, counting, or handwashing. But no matter what you do, you get only a brief honeymoon from the distress and fear. You may also worry day in and day out about all sorts of things (past, future, daily hassles) without resolution.
You may think that some of these descriptions sound like what you’re dealing with. You may even go on to think that you have an anxiety disorder of some kind. But here, we’d like to issue a word of caution.
Anxiety and fear are emotions, not disorders. Every single living human being on this planet experiences both emotions at some points in life. Some may even experience dis-ease—meaning unease—around anxiety and fear, but that alone isn’t a disorder. Medical and psychiatric professionals use labels to describe different forms of human suffering and dis-ease, but the labels are not you. Human suffering itself is not a disorder.
Diagnostic labels are just words. So don’t cling to them, and don’t identify with them. Let them go, because they’re limiting. Focus instead on expanding your life in healthy ways.
Your experience doesn’t have to match the features of one or more anxiety disorders to make you feel the need to get your life back on track. This is true even if you also tend to have other unpleasant feelings, like depression or anger, when you’re anxious.
What really matters is how you answer this basic question: Are anxiety and fear a major problem in my life? If you answered yes, you’re in very good company. The next important step is for you to identify how anxiety has become such a huge issue in your life.
Most people answer by pointing to the anxiety itself. Some point to the fact that they’re feeling it. Others focus on having too much of it. Some also focus on how intense and unpleasant it is. We know that intense anxiety is very unpleasant and can be overwhelming at times. But take a step back for a moment and ask yourself: Is having too much anxiety really the heart of the problem? Let’s look at what makes anxiety a problem for you.
What’s the Problem?
Find a place where you can reflect and won’t be disturbed. Then take a moment to really consider the following questions. Clarify your thoughts and answers to each question as openly and honestly as you know how. If you like, you can jot down your answers on a piece of paper.
With your anxieties and fears in mind, ask yourself:
What have I been struggling with? (or) What are the most interfering and life-restricting aspects of my problems with anxiety?
Once you have an answer, ask yourself this:
How exactly does anxiety become a problem in my life?
Facing these questions squarely is the key to making changes that will move you in directions that are truly important to you. The next chapter will take you more deeply into the heart of the struggle with anxiety and its toll on your life. This step is necessary to forge a new path and move in new directions.
6
Exploring the Costs
Deep down you already know that your best efforts to control or manage anxieties and fears haven’t worked as you’ve hoped they would. Even worse, your struggle with anxiety has cost you. Maybe you’ve experienced broken and strained relationships, poor health and sickness, excessive stress, difficulties at school or work, poor concentration, or problems with alcohol or other substances. Or, in a more general way, you may feel like you’ve lost your freedom. Do you feel stuck because anxiety seems to stand in the way?
Now—this very moment—is your time to take stock and look clearly at where you’ve been, what you’ve become, and where you want to go. It’s time to face the costs of waiting and struggling with your anxiety obstacles. It’s time for your life to begin—finally.
The next exercise will help you get a better sense of the price you pay each time you get caught in the struggle with anxiety. For each area listed, reflect on the impact that your struggles with anxiety have on your life. Be honest with yourself and be specific. What have you missed out on, or been unable to do, because of the struggle? Jot down a few thoughts for each area if you like. Look at the costs that fit your experience.
Taking Stock
Interpersonal costs. How has struggling with your anxiety and fears affected your relationships and social bonds? Have friendships changed or been lost? Are you unable to engage in your roles as a spouse, partner, or parent because of anxiety? Do you feel more isolated and alone?
Career costs. How has struggling with anxiety affected your career (for example, have you ever quit or been fired because of attempts to get a handle on your anxiety)? Has a boss or coworkers commented on your performance because of your anxiety-management efforts? Have anxiety problems led to unemployment, disability, or a need to rely on social services?
Health costs. How has managing your worry, anxiety, and fear affected your health? Do you tend to get sick often? Do you have difficulties falling asleep and staying asleep? Do you fixate and stew over anxiety and worry to the point of feeling physically sick? Do you avoid exercise because it might bring on anxiety? Do you spend quite a bit of time in the doctor’s office or emergency room because of anxiety?
