Anxiety Happens, page 9
Think of yourself as the driver of a bus called “My Life.” Imagine that you’re headed north toward your Value Mountain, [insert one of your important values here].
Along the way, you pick up some unruly passengers, like frightening thoughts and images that your mind comes up with. Other passengers may take the form of tension and feelings of apprehension and panic. These passengers are loud, persistent, and scary. They try to bully you as you drive along your chosen route. They shout, “Don’t go there! It’s too dangerous. You’ll make a fool of yourself. You’ll never be happy. STO-O-OPPPPP!”
You try to come up with arguments and strategies to quiet them. Distracted, you realize that you missed a road sign and took a wrong turn. Now you’re an hour out of your way, headed south. You are, in a very real sense, lost. So you stop the bus and focus on getting your passengers in line. This time you turn around, face them, and let them have it: “Why can’t you leave me alone? I’m sick of you. Just give me a few moments to relax.”
Look at what’s happened here. You’ve stopped the bus, let go of the steering wheel, and turned yourself around, and your eyes are looking at the back of the bus instead of the road ahead and your real destination. You’re not moving. Instead, you’re paying attention to the stuff that has nothing to do with your values.
Here you’re faced with another choice. You can stay tangled up in arguments and strategies to calm the passengers, or you can let them be, get back in the driver’s seat, turn on the engine, grab the steering wheel, and find your way back onto the road toward your Value Mountain.
If moving toward what you care about is important to you, then you need to stay in the driver’s seat of your Life Bus at all times. The unpleasant passengers will still be in the bus with you. You can’t kick them off. While you’re driving your Life Bus on the road to your Value Mountain, every now and then the passengers will creep forward and scream, “Pay attention to us! Turn around! Go back! Take this detour—it’s safer, easier, and it’ll make you feel better.”
Once again, you must make a choice. What will you do? Stopping won’t get you to the mountain; neither will the detour. Only you can take yourself to where you want to go—and you have no choice but to take all the passengers with you. Thoughts and feelings cannot prevent you from continuing toward where you want to go. That is, unless you give them that power.
The passengers on your Life Bus are not all dark and menacing. In fact, if you listen closely you may notice the voices of other passengers who are desperately trying to be heard. These are the voices of your values. They’ve been drowned out and ignored until now, but if you stay in your driver’s seat and listen, you’ll hear them. They will remind you of the good that you’re doing for your life each time you stay in the driver’s seat and move your bus in directions that matter to you!
Your anxious and fearful passengers will grab every opportunity to steer you off course. They’ll try to convince you that you don’t feel like doing this anymore, that it’s all too much, too difficult, not worth it. Even then, you can still choose to keep on moving toward what matters to you. You can’t control what kinds of feelings, thoughts, or fears ride along with you. But you can control where your Life Bus is going—you control the steering wheel with your hands and the accelerator and brakes with your feet. Don’t forget that!
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Lay Off the But(t)s
At some point you’ve probably said something like “I’d like to go out, but I’m afraid of having a panic attack, embarrassing myself, or getting anxious.” Snap—you just got caught in the “yes, but” trap.
Anytime you put “but” after the first part of a statement, you undo and negate what you just said. This is the literal meaning of the word “but.” This common word also sets up your anxieties and fears as barriers and problems you need to resolve before you take action. Let’s see how this plays out with an example.
So when you say, “I’d like to go out, but I’m afraid of having a panic attack,” you “undo” your interest in going out—and then you won’t go out. You’ll stay home, because that “but” negates the “like to go out.”
“But” also sets you up for struggle. Either the liking to go out has to go away or the fear of having a panic attack has to go away. This is why when you use “buts” often, you’ll end up quite literally stuck on your butt. “But” makes going out or doing much of anything impossible.
If you pay close attention, you may find that you use the word “but” many times every day as a reason for not acting on your values. This unnecessarily restricts your life, holds you back, and reduces your options.
The next exercise will help you catch your “yes, but” traps.
The “Yes, But(t)” Trap
Take a moment to reflect on times when you found yourself thinking about something you’d really like to do and then, in the next breath, following that with “but.” For instance, “I’d really like to go to the party, but I might be uncomfortable and do something stupid.” See if you can come up with at least three situations in which there was something you’d like to do followed by “but [insert what normally comes to mind].” Write them down.
Now, cross out the “but” in each statement and replace it with the word “and.” Read the statement again. Do it slowly. Does it feel any different with “and” instead of “but”? It should.
This little change can have a dramatic impact on what might happen next. You could go to the party and be uncomfortable with your mind telling you that you might say something stupid. Using “and” instead of “but” allows you to do something vital and feel anxious. It gives you more choice and freedom. It’s also a more honest expression of what’s really going on for you in the moment.
Starting today, every time a “but” is about to keep you stuck on your butt, practice saying “and” instead of “but.” As you do that, bring your awareness to new opportunities that open up for you. Getting off your but(t)s could be one of the most empowering things you’ve ever done.
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Unhooking from the Past
It’s very easy to get hooked on the past. Everyone collects painful moments like rain droplets falling into a bucket. When you look into your life bucket, you probably have things that you’d rather dump out, as well as pleasant moments that you cling to and want to keep around.
Maybe what’s in your bucket includes combat, or an accident, a rape, loss, abuse, regrets, missed opportunities, or choices that you wish you could undo. It may be a difficult childhood, or anger and resentment at how your parents and friends treated you. Wonderful past experiences may also linger, and you may feel loss and sadness about the fact that they’re missing from your life now. It’s all in the mix.
These experiences may have left a deep mark on you then, and they still do now. Each time you remember, you’re propelled back to the hurt, the anger, and the loss, and you may sink deep into an overwhelming sense of guilt or shame.
There’s absolutely nothing wrong with being able to remember the good, bad, and ugly moments you’ve lived through. Without that ability, you wouldn’t learn and grow. And it’s okay that you don’t like remembering some of your past. Everyone has had experiences they’d rather forget. Some have had it worse than others. Yet everyone has had something.
But getting hooked on the past and dwelling there is a trap. The next imagery exercise will show you why.
Stuck Stirring a Bucket of Shit!
Imagine that you’re sitting next to a large bucket that holds everything from your past. You try to resist opening the lid, but for whatever reason, the lid pops off. Curious, you look into the bucket and see that it’s full of shit, and it really smells awful. So you grab a large wooden spoon and start stirring, hoping that this might somehow dissolve it and lessen the smell.
In a way, getting hooked on the past is like getting caught stirring a bucket of shit, around and around, again and again, with your mind telling you, “You can’t go forward because of the pain you lived through.” Or “You don’t deserve to go forward.” It might even say, “If you stir long enough, you’ll figure this out, and it will all go away.” So you keep stirring, going back, reopening old wounds, regrets, painful experiences.
Maybe you think that if you stir long enough, something will change. But truthfully, no amount of stirring will turn shit into sweet ice cream.
Here’s something else to notice—all of this remembering, reliving, and stirring is happening right now, in the present. There’s no time machine to go back in. Time only goes forward, and you have to go forward too.
What’s needed here is for you to acknowledge the past as the past, let go of the spoon, and drop all the unhelpful stories your mind baits you with. Then you’ll be able to focus on where you are, right now, what you want to do, right now, and where you want to go in your life, right now.
From the present, you can learn to notice remembering for what it is—your mind thinking—and then meet that experience with gentle curiosity and kindness. That’s how to free yourself from your mind’s attachments to the past, and all of its traps and snares.
This isn’t about forgetting or condoning the wrongs or challenges you endured. Instead, you decide to learn from them, open up to them, honor them, and carry them forward in ways that dignify your life right now.
So if you’re willing, make the choice to stop stirring. Then, with your mind and hands free, choose what you’d like to spend your time doing from this moment forward.
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Grounding in the Now
When a painful or traumatic memory pops into your awareness, it’s easy to get pulled out of the present in a flash. When this happens, the first thing you need to do is pause, take a few slow deep breaths, and notice what’s happening. You’re remembering, which is just another form of thinking. And notice that you’re doing it now, from the safe refuge of the present.
We know that this can seem hard at first. If you tend to get lost in a whirlwind of thoughts about your past, or find that the trauma you’ve endured seems to pull you out of the present or even right out of your body—like you’re in another place—then you know what losing your sense of grounding feels like. It’s like having the rug pulled out from under you. That can be scary, and it makes it hard to be right where you are and do what matters.
Here’s an exercise that will help you ground yourself wherever you are and regain your ground when you’ve been snared by thoughts from your past. All you need for this exercise is about five minutes. Read the exercise a few times and then practice it yourself.
Using Your Five Senses
When you feel like you’re losing your ground, you can use any of your five senses—taste, smell, touch, sight, and hearing—to ground yourself in the present once more. For maximum benefit, it’s best to engage your senses intensely and fully as you do this grounding practice anywhere you find yourself.
Engage each of your senses as best you can:
Taste something that’s strong, like a lemon or black coffee.
Smell something that’s pungent, like cologne, fresh herbs, soap, or your pet’s fur.
Touch objects that have unique textures, shapes, or weight.
Look at something bright, stark, or unusual—a picture or something in your field of vision.
Listen, focusing on sounds that stand out in your environment.
Engaging your senses this way brings you back to the present. Just be mindful about why you’re doing this. It’s easy to use your senses as a clever way to turn away from painful memories, but that just puts your memories in charge and gives them more power to steer your life off track. Instead, engage your senses with your life in mind—as a way to come back to the now so that you can act on your life and values now.
As you practice these grounding strategies, see what works best for you. As you do, remind yourself that you are here in the now—present, alert, and alive.
Practice this exercise, eyes closed or open, as often as you can, wherever you are. Grounding in the now will help you stay present and give you skills to regain your ground when you find yourself being pulled into your past by a difficult memory. Grounding is also a useful way to show up to your life and live your values right where you are.
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Releasing Attachments
Pain is a natural and normal part of living well. When you shut down to pain, you shut down to life. When you open up to life, you must open up to pain in all its forms. This is how it works. To have it all, you must be willing to have it all—the good, neutral, unpleasant, and sometimes ugly.
You can learn a powerful way to open up to difficulty: you simply stop both avoiding pain and chasing pleasure. You invite in the discomfort you’re feeling anyway and give away what’s good and joyful. You breathe in the discomfort and receive it, then breathe out and away what you so desperately want and think will bring relief.
If you let the words go—loosen your attachment to the story line—and just feel the discomfort and sit with it without getting tangled up with it, you share what we all share. That’s what compassion really means. Experiencing this sense of shared humanity has tremendous healing power—it’s the path out of misery and into vitality.
Breathing in pain and breathing out relief is the basis of an ancient form of meditation called tonglen (meaning “giving and receiving”). Welcoming your pain and giving away good may seem backward. But that’s precisely why it can be so powerful.
When you embrace what you don’t like, you transform it. That very act is an acknowledgment that you share what we all share—the very real and human capacity to hurt. When you give to others what you so desperately seek for yourself, you become empowered. That transformation will release you from your attachment to “feeling better” and your resistance to fear and other unpleasant emotions. Above all, it will nurture your capacity for love and compassion. The next exercise will help you develop these important skills.
Embracing the “Bad,” Giving Away the “Good”
Start by getting yourself comfortable in a place where you’ll be undisturbed for five to ten minutes. Sit upright with your feet flat on the floor, your arms and legs uncrossed, and your hands resting in your lap.
Now close your eyes and gently guide your attention to the natural rhythm of your breath in your chest and belly. After a few moments, bring to mind something painful or hurtful, perhaps a recent event or a time when you felt very anxious. Then, with your next inhale, visualize taking in that negativity and painful upset. As you fill your lungs with the discomfort, be mindful that what you’re feeling in this very moment is being felt by millions of people all over this world. You’re not alone with this. Countless people have felt this anxiety since the dawn of time.
Your intention here, for yourself and others, is for you and them to be free of the suffering, the struggle, blame, and any shame associated with the pain that you and they experience. With that intention in mind, on each exhale, breathe out relief, joyfulness, and goodwill. Do it slowly with the natural rhythm of your breathing. Continue to connect with your pain as you breathe in, and with each exhale extend goodwill and a wish that others may find relief from the suffering they get caught in when they experience hurt and discomfort.
If you find breathing in anxiety gets too heavy or tight, you can imagine breathing into a vast space. In fact, your heart is such a vast space, and you can make it even bigger. Imagine breathing into your heart, making it bigger and bigger with every inhale until there’s enough space for all the worries, anxieties, and concerns. With each exhale, you’re opening up your whole being so you no longer have to push away anxiety or fear—you’re opening your heart to whatever arises.
If you find your mind wandering or you feel distracted, just kindly notice that and come back to the intention of welcoming in your pain and hurts, and releasing goodwill and kindness. Continue this practice of giving and receiving for as long as you wish.
Then, when you’re ready, gradually widen your attention and gently open your eyes with the intention of giving and receiving throughout the day.
When you notice yourself getting anxious and wanting to climb out of your skin, you can practice on-the-spot tonglen for all the people out there who, just like you, get caught in the struggle by pushing their discomfort away when they notice it. Right then, wherever you are, you can breathe in, acknowledge the discomfort, and breathe out a sense of peace and calm for yourself and everyone else going through the same experience. Every moment you’re willing to stay with uncomfortable anxiety, you’re learning more and more not to fear it.
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Drifting Along
Psychologists estimate that human beings have sixty thousand to eighty thousand thoughts each day. But we attend to very few of them. The ones we do pay attention to tend to stick around and can needlessly limit our lives. What we must learn is to allow our thoughts to come and go, because they will, if we let them.
This practice is important when you find yourself paying attention to anxious thoughts, even urges. The more you attend to these thoughts, the more they will stick around, increasing your anxiety and sense of being stuck. So the practice here is to learn to allow anxious thoughts and urges to come and go without getting entangled with them and without acting on them. This will help you create space between your judgmental mind and your experience.
The next exercise will give you practice watching your thoughts and urges come and go, and not doing what they compel you to do. You’ll learn that thoughts really do come and go all by themselves—if you just let them go! The only thing you have to do is watch and wait.
