Black Light: Charmed (Black Light Series Book 15), page 19
Rolling her eyes, Cassandra kept her mouth shut, because she didn’t want to fight about this. It was pointless, because they’d never work out. It just wasn’t meant to be.
“You need to delete them,” Abelita repeated, walking back into the kitchen to keep cutting up fruit.
“I will! I’m just not ready, okay?”
Her roommate sighed heavily. “What’s the point of listening to them over and over? What’s he even saying? Oh, woe is me, I was a dumbass, forgive me? Fuck that.”
Cassandra groaned, and then her phone started ringing and buzzing on the coffee table.
“If that’s him don’t you dare answer it!” Abelita shouted from the kitchen.
“It’s Vanessa! Oh my God, rein in the friend-rage!” Muffling a frustrated scream, Cassandra answered the phone. “Hey, Vanessa.”
“Hey girl… how are you today?”
“I’m doing okay.” Cassandra shrugged, leaning back on the couch to stare at the little Christmas tree in the corner.
“Abelita still on the rampage?” Vanessa asked, and she could hear the grin in her voice.
“Definitely. He-who-must-not-be-named is an off-limits topic.”
“He’s an asshole!” Abelita called from the kitchen, and Cassandra flipped her off from the couch, immediately getting a finger in return along with Abelita sticking out her tongue. “Right back at’cha!”
“Well, then we’ll just have to speak in code.” Vanessa laughed. “Be honest with me, how are you feeling about him?”
“It doesn’t really matter, does it? I mean, even if I talked about it, even if I listened to what he had to say, at the end of the day we’re still dealing with the same core problems.”
“And what are those?” Vanessa asked, and Cassandra sighed.
“One second, I need to go to my room because someone gets annoyed with me if I even discuss this.” Rising from the couch, Cassandra went to her room as Abelita planted her hands on her hips.
“I’m just trying to protect you!” her roommate called out just as she shut the door.
“I know!” Cassandra yelled back, groaning as she dropped onto her bed. “I swear, Abelita is one of my best friends, but she’s ruthless. If it were possible, she’d have already hired a hitman.”
“She loves you,” Vanessa said, laughing a little. “But, seriously, tell me what you meant. What core problems would you guys have?”
“The same stuff I’ve been saying all along,” she answered, waving an arm toward her ceiling. “He’s here in L.A. with his company, which is obviously a huge fucking source of drama and issues for him… and I’m traveling. I have to travel for my job, and he has to be here for his. It doesn’t matter how great we can be together when he’s not being an asshole if we’re never actually able to be together.”
“Didn’t he say he could problem solve the travel stuff when we were at Black Light?” Vanessa offered, and Cassandra appreciated that her friend was being more reasonable than Abelita… but it just didn’t matter.
“He kept saying that, but it’s not like we ever sat down and talked about it. I mean, apparently he never talked to me about anything that was a real problem, and what kind of relationship is that?” Cassandra sat up, crossing her legs on the bed. “I’m being serious. A relationship has to be about more than just amazing sex. If he can’t talk to me about the hard stuff, if he can’t lean on me when he needs to… then that’s not real. It’s just an extended booty call. A fuck-buddy.”
“I really don’t think that’s how Logan sees you, Cass.”
“Yeah, well, it doesn’t really matter now, does it?” she grumbled, hating the sour tone in her voice as she plucked at her comforter.
“So… are you done with him? You don’t think you might want to at least talk to him about what happened? Maybe get some closure?” Vanessa’s voice was tentative, cautious, and the exact opposite of what Abelita had been telling her for the past two days.
“I don’t know, Vanessa…” Sighing, Cassandra had to admit it was tempting. She did want to talk to Logan, if only to clear the air. To not leave things so shredded and raw. But… “It won’t really change anything. Even if we talk, all the other shit is still true, and if I accept his apologies, he’s going to expect things to just go back to how they were, and they can’t. I mean, I’m about to leave for my parents’ house for Christmas, and then I might come back to L.A. for New Year’s… but then I’m in London the second week of January. My travel schedule is getting packed with jobs, and I’m really lucky that Roberta is getting me in front of so many designers and companies. There’s no way I’m going to fuck any of that up on the off-chance that Logan and I might be something.”
“I don’t think Logan ever expected you to change your modeling stuff. I mean, I didn’t get that impression when we were all at the club together. Has he ever acted like he wanted that?”
“No!” Cassandra groaned, rubbing her forehead where she was definitely getting a stress headache. “Just the opposite really. He’s been so fucking supportive of it, he seemed so proud of what I was doing — which is why it made me so angry when he threw modeling in my face! I mean, he doesn’t get to have it both ways. He can’t be proud of me and think it makes me too stupid to talk to him about his work issues.”
“That was definitely a dick move,” Vanessa acknowledged.
“A major dick move.” Shaking her head, Cassandra dragged her iPad over, waking it up to look at her digital calendar app. Flipping through the months, she saw so many jobs scribbled in. Days blocked out in different places around the world. London, New York, Milan, Paris, Hong Kong. Round and round the globe, and she could already see how little she’d be back in L.A. And even when she was home, it’s not like she was on vacation, there were meetings with Roberta and other obligations.
It was impossible.
It had always been impossible… She’d just been too damn hopeful to accept it.
“Anyway, none of that really matters in the end. It doesn’t matter how much chemistry we had together, or what I might have thought we could have together. Honestly, it doesn’t even matter that he was an asshole, because even if I forgive him, we’re still going to be on two very different tracks in life, and neither of us are changing them anytime soon.”
“Okay…” Vanessa said, her voice quiet. “But, can I ask you something that you probably won’t like?”
“Ugh… what?” Cassandra sighed, preparing for whatever was going to come out of her friend’s mouth.
“Ignore reality for a minute. Your job, his job, all that shit. If you both lived here and — fuck, I don’t know, worked at a bakery or something, do you think you guys could work it out? Would you even want to work it out?”
“That’s not the situation, Vanessa.”
“Yeah, yeah, I know,” her friend said. “Just go with me for a second. If you just think about Logan, just him, would you try and fix this? Would you call him back?”
Sighing, Cassandra leaned back on her pillows. She wanted to tell Vanessa how stupid the idea was, because it wasn’t reality, but when she closed her eyes, she could still feel the way her lips tingled when he kissed her. She could remember how his whole face changed when he laughed, and how ridiculous he could be when he actually relaxed. She remembered him bringing her a scarf from his closet the first night she slept over. The way he danced. The way he swung a paddle. The way it felt to wake up with his arms around her.
“It’s not possible, Vanessa, but in your fictional little world… sure. I’d probably call him back and see if we could fix it.” She shrugged even though her friend couldn’t see her. “But it doesn’t really matter, does it?”
“I just wanted to know, Cass.” Vanessa sighed. “I’m really sorry this happened.”
“Me too,” she answered, blinking back the haze of tears.
“Look, I’ll catch up with you later, okay? I want to see you again before you leave town.”
“Sure,” Cassandra said, smiling a little. “We’ll figure something out. Talk to you later.”
“Bye, girl.” Vanessa hung up, and Cassandra sighed, but it quickly turned into a groan as her bedroom door creaked open and Abelita peeked her head in.
“This is a no-yelling-at-Cassandra zone,” she said, pointing at her roommate. “If you’re still being bitchy, go back in the living room.”
“I’m not going to yell at you,” Abelita replied as she pushed the door open the rest of the way. Crossing her arms, her roommate just looked at her for a minute, eyes narrowed and face pinched as she stood there in silence.
“What is it?” Cassandra asked, exasperated with her friend’s over-the-top protectiveness.
“Listen, I was eavesdropping—”
“Abelita!” Groaning, Cassandra threw her hands up, but her roommate waved at her to shut up.
“Ugh, yes, I’m so sorry I was eavesdropping,” she said, clearly not apologetic at all. “But I heard what you said… so, was he really supportive of your modeling?”
“Yeah, he was.”
“And you really liked him? Abelita asked, and for the first time in days there was no venom in her tone when she mentioned he-who-must-not-be-named.
“If you were eavesdropping, then you already know it doesn’t matter what I think of Logan. It’s like I told you a few weeks ago when all this shit started… we wouldn’t work out even if he got his head out of his ass and managed to apologize enough for me to forgive him.” Shaking her head, Cassandra dropped her phone on the bed beside her. “So, don’t worry, you won’t have to deal with me pining over him forever. I’ll get over this, it’s just not going to be today, okay?”
“I don’t expect you to just bounce back, Cass. I never expected that. I just hate him for doing that to you. For saying that shit and breaking your heart, because you don’t deserve it.”
“Thanks,” Cassandra said, giving her roommate a half-hearted smile. “I know you’re just showing me that you love me.”
“I absolutely do,” Abelita replied, walking over to sit in front of her. “And, no matter what, I’ve got your back, okay?”
“I know.” Reaching over, she pulled her roommate into a hug, wishing that she could just snap her fingers and feel better. She hated feeling like this. Sad, mopey, empty. It wasn’t her, and more than anything, she wanted to feel like herself again, but that would take time. Time, and surrounding herself with the people who loved her.
Even the ones who acted kind of crazy when they tried to show it.
Chapter 23
Logan
The phone vibrated on his desk, and he answered, immediately switching the call to his headset so he could keep working.
“Hello?”
“Hey, Logan,” Vanessa said, her already irritated voice coming across the line, and he sighed as he lifted his hands from the keyboard.
“If you’re calling to yell at me again, I’m happy to listen, but I’ve got a work call in twenty minutes, so it’s going to have to be more concise than yesterday.”
“Ha. Ha.” She mocked, muttering under her breath for a second before her voice became intelligible again. “Look, I have no idea why I’m even trying to help you. Well, no, that’s not true. I’m doing this for Cassandra, because for some unknown reason she’s still got feelings for you.”
Logan sat bolt upright in his chair, his heart pounding. “You talked to her? She said that?”
“Yes, I talked to her, and… not exactly. I mean, I can tell she’s still got feelings for you, but you royally fucked up here. It’s not just about you being a Grade-A douchebag to her, it’s that by being a complete asshole you just reminded her of all the other shit she was already stressing about with you two.” Groaning, Vanessa muttered a few curses. “Look, apologizing to her isn’t going to be enough, Logan. She’s taking this as some kind of sign that things would have never worked out between you two.”
“What! Why?”
“Because your stupid fucking job is here, and hers is everywhere. You knew she was already worried about traveling and how that would make things super hard for you guys to maintain any kind of relationship, and by being a complete dickless idiot to her, you destroyed any faith she had in you guys being able to work past that.”
Logan sighed at the repeated insults. It wasn’t that he didn’t deserve them, but he’d heard most of them during Vanessa’s rant the day before that had lasted over an hour. Although, he was slightly impressed by her creativity.
The information she was providing him was useful, though.
“So, yes, I fucked up that night, but she’s more focused on the travel stuff again?” he asked, trying to not sound as excited as he felt.
“That’s what it sounds like. Basically, you’re on two different tracks in life, and neither of you are going to change that anytime soon… so it’s just not possible.” Vanessa actually managed to soften her tone as she continued. “Even though you’re a jerk, I still wish I had better news.”
“I’m not giving up, Vanessa,” he said, and she sighed heavily.
“Well, unless you plan on changing your life substantially, I’m not seeing any way you can fix this,” Vanessa retorted. “But, for the record, I tried to get her to talk to you, and it seems like she’s thinking about it, so… maybe she’ll call. Then you guys can at least clear the air about your nuclear-level fuck-up and get some closure.”
“I don’t want closure.” Logan shook his head, leaning on his desk. “I don’t want to lose her.”
“Yeah… maybe you should have thought about that before you went on a binge and yelled at your girlfriend.”
“I know I messed up!” he snapped, slapping the desk. “Do you really think I’m not sitting here every minute of every day regretting what I did? She’s all I can fucking think about! I keep replaying that look on her face in my mind, over and over, and I hate myself for it. I hate myself for hurting her, for being such a goddamned idiot that I didn’t do everything in my power to keep her close, to let her know how much she meant to me. But I’m not giving up now. I love her, and I don’t care what I have to do, what I have to change to make this right, but I’m going to fucking figure it out.”
Silence filled the line, and he clenched his jaw, cursing himself for losing his temper.
“I’m sorry, Vanessa. I shouldn’t have snapped at you like—”
“You love her?” she asked, and he realized he’d said it out loud.
“Yeah, I do.” Logan took a deep breath, feeling it shudder on the way out as he tried to calm down, to think clearly. “That’s why I can’t just let this go, Vanessa. I can’t just let her go. I know I’ve made mistakes. I know I’m so damn far from perfect that it’s stupid to even expect her to give me a second chance, because she deserves someone so much better than me… but I have to try. I can’t just give up. Not on her.”
“Dammit, Logan…” Groaning, Vanessa paused for a long moment. “Okay, listen, if you can come up with something before she leaves town — and it better be something fucking genius — then Wyatt and I will try to help. If we can.”
“Thank you,” he said, feeling his heart racing again as the possibility hovered in front of him. “I really appreciate your help, both of you.”
“Just don’t fuck this up, okay?” she said.
“I won’t.”
“Good,” Vanessa retorted, letting out a breath. “Well, good luck. I have no idea how you’re going to fix this, but… I think you could make Cassandra happy.”
“As long as I’m not a dickless idiot?” he offered, and Vanessa actually laughed.
“Exactly. Just call us if you come up with something.”
“Hopefully I’ll call you soon. Thanks again, Vanessa.” They hung up a moment later, and he grabbed the notepad on his desk, flipping it to a new page to scribble down notes from their conversation. Every little piece of data Vanessa had provided could make a difference, and he didn’t want to forget it. He kept writing even when he’d exhausted their call, making notes on every concern Cassandra had ever shared, and he was trying to remember what her roommate had told him in their kitchen when the phone rang.
“Shit,” Logan grumbled, taking a sip of his water before he sat up in his chair and answered the call from his COO. “This is Logan.”
“Hey. How’s your afternoon going, Logan?” Jared Parker asked, but he could tell his COO was less than excited about being on the phone for work so close to Christmas.
“Pretty good, and I don’t plan on keeping you on the phone long. I know we both have things we’d rather be doing right now,” Logan replied.
“Really?” After a brief pause, Jared laughed a little. “Okay, that’s different.”
“What’s different?”
“You. I mean, no offense, but you sound different. Happier. And I can’t remember the last time you were worried about how long a meeting would take.” Jared chuckled again. “Christmas spirit got to you?”
“Let’s go with that,” Logan answered, smiling a bit. “So, I know things have been chaotic, and we definitely didn’t end the year how we wanted to, but I think the only way we’re pulling out of this is if we hit the first week of January running.”
“All right, and what are you thinking?” Jared had left the field open, not mentioning a single suggestion, and Logan felt a little frustrated, but he pushed it down.
“To be honest, I asked for this call because I wanted to see what you thought about what we need to change in the new year to ensure something like this doesn’t happen again.”
“You want my opinion?” Jared sounded more than a little surprised, and that was pretty much everything Logan needed to know about himself as a leader.
Fuck.
“Yes, I do,” he said, trying to sound calm and confident. “Clearly my choices lately haven’t been the best, and you’re in your position for a reason, so let’s talk about what we can do differently next year to turn this ship around.”
“Well, Logan, I have to admit this is nice to hear, but I’m not sure how much change you’re looking for.” Jared seemed to hesitate, but he continued with, “I mean, are we talking about small tweaks or big changes?”
