The Long Road Home, page 7
‘You’re less of a woman, a person, in my opinion if you don’t live for yourself, or at least give it a damned good shot. I think people also have children to fix something with themselves – hoping the child will love them when they can’t love themselves. Or even to look after them in old age. Well, there are no guarantees with any of it and all of those reasons place a lot of pressure and expectation on both the child and yourself – the parents. Most likely why we end up with situations like we’ve seen today. If more people understood that we alone are responsible for our happiness, our mistakes, we’d be a lot better off as a society. And simple kindness. It costs nothing to be kind. If you can’t manage it, at least be silent and do nothing – don’t take out your own unhappiness and insecurities on others. Sorry, here I go getting all soap-boxy.’
‘No, you make a lot of sense. And I agree with everything you’ve said.’ Alice thought her father would have said Ashley had an old soul.
‘God, what an afternoon,’ Ashley suddenly declared.
‘Oh. Speaking of which, I wonder how the funeral went,’ Alice said, getting her phone out of her bag. ‘Thanks for the distraction,’ she said to Ashley as she clicked on the icon showing she had a new text message.
‘So, what does he say?’
‘Oh dear, it’s a long one. Here we go: “OMFG, who is this man they’re talking about?! What a load of shit. Full of lies. Great that my sisters have such nice memories of our father and their experiences were so clearly different to mine. Mum just looks stoic. I want to spit on the old bastard, not toss a flower in. But of course we don’t make a scene out here, do we? Good turnout. Plenty of people gathering their own numbers for their eventual event or just there for the cream puffs and brandy snaps. Fuck I’m angry and disappointed at the hypocrisy. This place. Lucky you getting out. Gotta go and make nice with people.” And that’s it. With two kisses. Uh-oh.’
‘Oh dear. Well, he didn’t hold back.’
‘No. It’s clearly a rough day. But his description had it pretty spot on.’
‘It’s perhaps not meant to be funny, is it?’ Ashley said.
‘No, but it is a little.’
‘I like the sound of him – his honesty. So many people are horrible during their lives and then get painted as practically worthy of sainthood at their funerals. I bet if that guy today dies tomorrow they’d be saying what a great father he was, how much he loved his children blah, blah, blah, when all he’d been doing just previously was his best to make sure his wife struggled to keep clothes on their backs. Sorry. Do you think Rick’s okay? Like, really? It kind of sounds manic.’
‘Hmm. Hopefully he’s just letting off steam. I’ll think about ringing him tonight. I’m just a little cautious.’
‘Yes, rightly so. You don’t want to become his crutch – that could get awkward later. I do love his honesty though.’
‘Poor bloke having to pretend. Put on a happy face – that’s practically the mantra of Hope Springs and district. It should be on their stupid welcome sign.’
‘I like that he feels he can be honest with you, given all you must have been through.’
‘Hmm. It’s only because he came and supported me at my friend’s funeral. We probably wouldn’t have reconnected if it were not for that.’
‘I think laying down the swords is nice and shows real maturity.’
‘And thank goodness for there being no kids involved,’ Alice said.
‘Amen to that,’ Ashley said as she pushed the door to the office open.
Chapter Eight
Alice led Bill home in a daze. The little dog trotted happily alongside, unaware of the deep thoughts going through his mistress’s head. She was so distracted that twice she stood at the pedestrian crossing having forgotten to press the button. The second time someone reached past her and prodded it hard several times, startling her slightly. The afternoon mediation session had changed her. Well, not the session, probably. But she’d changed inside. She could feel it. Her realisation that she didn’t want children had settled within her comfortably, a much easier feeling than the many times she’d wondered about the when and where of having a child. And the yuck factor. She’d always felt quite off, queasy even, at the thought of actually giving birth, but dismissed it as something she’d come to grips with if she was meant to be a mother. And she had, of sorts.
Alice let herself into the flat and smiled at seeing her new brightly coloured throw draped diagonally over the back and one arm of the navy-blue sofa. She sat down to take stock for a moment before getting changed and starting dinner. She idly scrolled through her Instagram feed as she analysed her insides for any flutter of doubt, guilt. Nothing. There was no negative, no unease. Her decision felt comfortable. It was almost as if a piece had cemented itself within her – like the wave of realisation that her destiny lay in law, only stronger. It was impossible to explain succinctly. But that didn’t matter – she didn’t need to explain it to anyone. She really did have so much to be thankful for. What will be, will be, Lauren was always saying. Alice was beginning to believe it too.
Alice paused her scrolling at a post by Rick’s younger sister Matilda and cringed. As she read, her eyes became wider and her disbelief and disappointment more pronounced. Jesus.
She brought up Rick’s message, quickly read it through again, then clicked on his phone number ready to dial. What harm could her being kind do, reaching out? It might not be the right thing for her, but it felt like the right thing to do for Rick.
He answered before it even started to ring. ‘Hey, Alice.’
‘Hey, Rick.’
‘Thanks so much for calling.’ His words came out like a long sigh of relief, causing the slight nervous, apprehensive quiver in Alice to settle.
‘I’m so sorry I didn’t call earlier when I saw your message. I …’ I, what? Didn’t want to lead you on. Tickets on yourself, much? Lauren would say. Alice smiled weakly.
‘No worries.’
Alice had the strangely disconcerting yet satisfying feeling that she could sit there in silence and Rick would appreciate it. Again, impossible to explain how she knew this or really the right way to describe it, but he sounded so lost. And so far away – a million more kilometres than the eleven hundred or so between them. Right then she just wanted to wrap her arms around him and hold him tight.
‘I saw the Instagram post,’ she said, suddenly unsure of what else to say. How was it? were the words that came to mind, but they were so stupid.
‘Yeah. How bloody ghastly. Can you believe it? Honestly, Alice, I don’t know these people. I stood there like I was surrounded by strangers. And the things they said about the old man – who the hell were they even talking about? I felt like such a fraud all day nodding and thanking everyone for their condolences and muttering in agreement with their kind words, all the time thinking, No, you’ve got the wrong man. Joseph Peterson was a mean old bastard. It really pisses me off, Alice. Thanks again for calling. At least you get it.’
‘Sadly, I do. I think you did well to keep it together.’
‘Yeah, just like a trained monkey. Oh, and it gets worse.’
‘Huh?’
‘Yeah, the Will.’
‘Oh. Right. What does it say?’ Alice shifted on the couch, feeling a little uncomfortable at what was probably information meant only for family.
‘He left everything to Mum.’
‘I’m so sorry.’ Alice knew Rick was waiting until his father retired to be handed his own farm – the one with the house where she’d lived with him for almost four years.
‘Yep, he’s managed to still screw me over in death.’
Alice didn’t want to appear unsupportive, but thought wasn’t it normal for one spouse to leave everything to the other and vice versa in a Will and then things only get divvied up when the last parent died? Her father’s Will had left everything to Dawn.
‘God, I sound like an arsehole, don’t I?’
Yes, a bit, Alice thought, but sure as hell wasn’t going to say it. ‘You’re disappointed. You were expecting something else. I get it,’ she said, choosing her words carefully.
‘You know, they sat us down around the table to read the Will like on all the American TV shows and movies. It would have been funny if it wasn’t so bloody horrible. Basically, it’s business as usual. I feel like I’ve had my prison sentence extended.’
‘Walk away, then,’ Alice said quietly. She was trying to be supportive, but she also couldn’t help pointing out the obvious, or feeling a little frustrated. She knew how satisfying it was to be on the other side having made big, scary, life-changing decisions. But he wouldn’t leave. Not now. Because he was like a miner waiting to hit pay dirt – each little step hopefully getting him closer. Not wanting to walk away the moment before it happened. But he’d been in that limbo for years. ‘Perhaps it’s time to count your losses.’
‘Hmm. Mum’ll live forever. God, that sounded awful, too.’
‘I know what you meant.’ Alice was losing patience with him – he was making it purely about money. And that annoyed her – as much as the realisation of how similar he and her most recent ex David were at the core. But to some extent she did agree with Rick’s disappointment. Though, had his father even said it in so many words, or had Rick assumed because it’s the way it tended to work out there?
‘Yeah. Maybe you’re right. Maybe it is time to walk away. I hate that I’d be starting all over again. With pretty much nothing to show for all these years.’
‘Plenty of people have done just that and survived, Rick, thrived even. Me included. We all have to make difficult decisions. I’m sorry if this is hard to hear – and I’m saying it not as your ex-wife, but as your friend who cares about you – but don’t sell yourself short. You’re smart. You’ll always find a way to make more money if you put your mind to it. It might not feel like it right now, but it’s true. And in the meantime, there are options, including living frugally.’ Alice’s thoughts went to the woman from today just fighting to keep a roof over her and her kids’ heads. ‘Just be grateful it’s only you and you don’t have a family to provide for. I know I am.’
Shit, have I pushed him too far? Alice wondered as the silence stretched. She was about to apologise for being too harsh when he finally spoke.
‘Christ. I’m being a victim, aren’t I – a spoilt brat?’
‘Sorry, but you are a bit. Things could be a lot worse, Rick. Think about that.’ Oh god, could I sound any more like Dawn? she thought, rolling her eyes. ‘Just don’t make any rash decisions, especially while you’re so emotional. Let the dust settle,’ she said, softening.
‘Hmm. You’re right. On both counts. I’ll play it by ear. Jesus, enough about me. It’s really good to hear your voice, Alice. How’s things with you? Congrats again on the new job and getting into law.’
‘Thanks. It’s all going well.’ She tried to dampen her enthusiasm. Now was not the time to shout her joy from the rooftops.
‘What’s Ballarat like?’
‘Awesome. You’d love it. It has the feel of a big country town, but without everyone knowing you or your business. You should visit.’ Shit, the words were out of her mouth before she could stop them. ‘But I don’t have a sofa bed or anything. My place is tiny – a shoebox really,’ she raced on, scrambling to undo her offer.
‘Maybe I will. It might be good to have a break before harvest starts. Jesus, I hope Mum doesn’t suddenly forget she’s never been hands-on and starts throwing her weight around. That’ll be the end of me.’
‘Hmm. Rick, why couldn’t you ask her if she’d sell you your place? If it’s all hers now, maybe she’d …’
‘I don’t have any money to buy it with, remember?’
Alice felt a tug of guilt. Was that a stab over having had to pay her out all those years ago? Her divorce settlement had been meagre – and he’d hidden assets until after they signed, too, which meant it was less than her entitlement. It took all her will to ride out the silence, not take the bait.
‘I guess I could ask,’ he eventually said, sounding deflated. ‘Maybe she’d transfer it into my name, just because. On the same day pigs start to fly. I’d have more chance if it weren’t for Matilda and Danni. Sorry, I’m being such a guts ache. I really do appreciate the call.’
‘It’s okay. You’ve just lost your father.’
‘Who I hated, or at least could barely stand the sight of most of the time.’
‘Regardless, you’re going through a big upheaval. Maybe speaking to your counsellor would help you get some perspective,’ Alice said, remembering the secret he’d sworn her to that day at Ruth’s funeral.
‘Yeah. I’d better go. We’re having a family dinner at the pub with a few hangers-on from the funeral. I’m not sure what category I’m in there, really,’ he said with a hint of a laugh.
‘Well, hang in there.’
Alice hung up. She’d thought he might have evolved a bit more if he was seeing a counsellor. But then remonstrated with herself. Who was she to judge? The reality was she was disappointed in herself when it came to him – that she’d chosen a textbook guy as dictated by her upbringing. Despite all she’d learnt, she still sometimes got annoyed with herself for being so manipulated for so long. Also, she could see she’d have to be careful to not get too preachy. She was well on the way to finding herself. Not everyone was so fortunate, and those who hadn’t been, like Rick, couldn’t be shown until they were ready to see. At least he was seeing someone neutral and outside the family and district. And even if the call had left her feeling a little frustrated, she was glad she’d made the effort. It had clearly meant a lot to Rick. And that’s what really mattered on a day when he’d lost his father and his life had been turned upside down.
Chapter Nine
Alice put the finishing touches on her plate of scones, jam and cream by dotting some fresh strawberries around. She checked her watch. As usual she was ahead of schedule. She didn’t want to get to the park early because she didn’t know any of Ashley’s friends. The other week when she’d taken a stroll through the gardens there had been several groups lolling about. How embarrassing it would be to join the wrong one! She explained to Bill that he couldn’t come because she didn’t know if the people she was meeting were generally dog-friendly or not. Alice hated leaving him behind. Thankfully Bill merely flapped his tail at hearing his name, lifted his head, and then settled back down to sleep again.
Alice was a little anxious. She always was when meeting new people. One day she hoped she’d learn to not give a toss. She was getting there. One step at a time. She was idly scrolling through her Instagram feed to fill in time when her phone began to vibrate and then ring in her hand. She almost dropped it. Bill groaned his disapproval at being disturbed and rolled over. Alice stared at Rick’s name lit up on the screen for a moment before answering.
‘Hey, Rick, how are you doing?’
‘I’m okay. How are you?’
Something in his tone piqued her interest. ‘Why? Shouldn’t I be?’ she said with a tight, awkward laugh.
‘Oh. Not at all. Well, um, I just thought you might be, um …’
‘What? Spit it out. What’s on your mind?’
‘You didn’t mention your lot was selling the shop.’
‘What?’ Alice felt her heart slow. ‘Don’t be ridiculous. Who told you that?’
‘I’ve just been in and got the weekend papers. Everyone in the newsagent was talking about it. And then … Oh my god, Alice … You didn’t know, did you?’
‘No.’ She felt as if a large rock had settled painfully deep within her. ‘You know what rumours are like in that place,’ she said quickly.
‘It’s actually in the paper, Alice. There’s an ad.’
‘Seriously?’
‘Alice, I wouldn’t lie to you.’
Alice put a hand behind her and felt for the arm of the sofa and lowered herself onto it. ‘Why wouldn’t they tell me?’
‘I don’t know.’
‘Why would they be selling – why now? I know things are tough, but they’ve always been tough.’ Alice felt a little light-headed.
‘Jesus. I’m so sorry, Alice, that you had to find out like this.’
‘No, don’t be. It’s just a shock. And it’s not your fault. So, what are you doing looking at the commercial property ads, anyway?’ she said, trying to lighten the mood and take the spotlight off her. There must be an explanation, she thought. But her next thought was, Whose chain is my mother pulling now? Who is being punished? Everything to do with Dawn is calculated. Calculated to wound or manipulate. Alice could see it clearly these days. At least this time it isn’t about me, because it couldn’t be, could it? That wouldn’t make sense.
‘Are you seriously thinking of walking away from the farm now?’
‘Hmm. Maybe. Not really. I wish. Hey, do you want to run a business together?’
‘The shop, you mean?’ Alice glowed a little. It had once been her dream to work alongside her dad. And then after his death a brief moment of dreaming of running it alone with her husband. ‘Was that a serious question?’ she asked when Rick hadn’t continued speaking – no quip or snide comment.
‘I didn’t intend it to be, but … We always made a good team.’
When we weren’t fighting. ‘Rick, you hated me wanting to know, asking questions, offering different ideas on the farm, remember? Oh, how quickly we forget,’ she added with a laugh.
‘Ouch,’ he said. ‘I remember. I was an arsehole, and I’m getting help with that. But back to the question at hand. Pretend I’m being serious, hypothetical, if you like.’
Alice’s heart fluttered and all the ideas she’d had over the years flooded her mind like a moving montage. Oh, how she loved the store building with its bay windows either side of the door. She’d given up on it when her mother had declared Olivia would be running the shop with her. Alice had married Rick to escape the torture and sink her teeth into a new totally different life. And to connect with her father whose people had been farmers and graziers.
