The Long Road Home, page 32
‘To express the frustration, to make sense of the world around us – its stupidity, its loveliness … the whole gamut,’ he said, sweeping an arm around. ‘They’re the smart ones – artists, creatives. They take the time to sit and ponder, think, delve deep within and answer their own questions and how they fit into wider society. Fools simply get angry and become aggressive. Obviously, it’s not so cut and dried as all that, but the fact is, in my opinion, not enough people in this busy society of ours are capable of just being. Being true to themselves. Being kind. Being gentle. Being at peace. It’s all about activity and being constantly on the move these days. When did you last see someone under about fifty simply sitting and enjoying their surroundings – watching the world go by and not staring down at their phone?’
‘Good point. I’m pretty addicted to mine, I have to admit,’ Rick said, his cheeks burning a little with his embarrassment.
‘Of course you are. We’re part of the tech generation. It’s as programmed into us as the apps in our phone. At least you’re not posting a dozen selfies a day,’ Blair said, looking at Rick.
‘That I’m not doing, at least,’ Rick said with a laugh. ‘Why can’t we all simply take a photo to remind ourselves later of where we’ve been? It’s all too deep for me right now. I’m exhausted. I’m clearly very unfit.’
‘Or just using different muscles than you have recently,’ Blair pointed out.
‘Maybe,’ Rick agreed. ‘And, anyway, forget selfies. I’m too busy figuring out the real me – the one that’s hidden inside.’
‘So, did your sisters, um, sorry, cousins, say anything more either way about you not going back to the funeral? And have you changed your mind? We could still make it if you wanted to go and fancied the company. Everyone would understand if we postponed dinner.’
‘Thanks. I really appreciate the offer, Blair, but I’m done. I’m not going back. Ever, probably. And I’m at peace with that. Their communication – or lack of – has said it all, really. They haven’t expressed a desire for me to be there – just asked if I will be and tried their best to make it look like they’re including me. They’re probably afraid me being there will turn their mother’s funeral into a freak show. And rightly so. They’ll most likely milk the he-left-us-in-our-hour-of-need factor, but so be it.’
‘Fair enough. As long as you’re sure you won’t have any regrets later.’
‘The only regret I’ll have – have already – is that I was an idiot and didn’t take proper notice of my birth certificate. If I’d uncovered all this back then …’ he said, shaking his head. Suddenly it was overwhelming again. He could see how different everything would have been.
‘And if you had, you wouldn’t be here now and the person you are. And you might even have completely blown all that money if you’d got your hands on it back then, too. Plenty have in the past.’
‘Hmm.’ Rick wasn’t ready to be grateful for Joseph and Maureen protecting him from that. ‘I know you’ve said it, and I do believe on some level that it had to happen this, that, way. But it still hurts and frustrates me.’
‘Of course it does. You’re human. Now you just have to find a way to make peace with it, figure out how you’re meant to use what you’ve learnt to have a better, more meaningful life going forwards.’
‘You make it sound so easy,’ Rick said with a tight laugh.
‘Just follow your heart, be true to your soul, drown out the negative noise and I think you’ll be perfectly fine,’ Blair said.
Chapter Thirty-one
‘I’m going to have a house-warming when I get settled,’ Rick blurted. They’d gone into town earlier to do the shopping and were now in the kitchen getting everything ready for their dinner party that evening.
‘Good for you,’ Blair said from beside him at the bench.
‘Oh, except I only know about four other people.’
‘Then just make it a nice, civilised dinner party. Like tonight is going to be. So, you’re going to move into the warehouse, do you think, when it’s available?’
‘Yep. You’re right. I just need to settle, stop for a bit and think things through. Or not – as you say, just be. I have the luxury of time, thanks to the money in the trust. And I’ve spent my life under the shadow of worry about money and what we owe and all that. No matter what the year was, there was still negative talk of money. In good times it was all about not paying tax. In the bad times it was whingeing about the amount of debt. So, I’m just going to let the dust settle and see how I feel. But I do feel a bit of urgency to get organised, though, because I want to get a dog.’
‘You can’t go wrong with sharing your life with a dog or two – their therapeutic qualities are immeasurable. And if you’re feeling really down, so bad you don’t want to get out of bed, it’s good to have someone who relies on you completely to survive – you know for food, water, et cetera.’
Rick looked at Blair. ‘Have you ever been that depressed?’
‘I certainly have. A few times. Mainly when I was sick. I have a great family, but we’re scattered and sometimes you just can’t help feeling lonely and sad and not like talking to anyone or sharing certain things. I struggled with being a burden and having them feel sorry for me, and of course feeling shit all round when I was having chemo. So, yes, there were certainly times when I might not have got out of bed of a morning if it weren’t for the fact I had these two darlings telling me to get up and feed them. Or them just making me feel better by keeping me company.’
Rick nodded silently and thoughtfully, grateful he had something to do with his hands and pretend to be concentrating on. Blair was so wise, philosophical and upbeat, Rick struggled to imagine him in a really low state. Maybe there was hope for him too. No, there definitely was – he felt he’d come a long way already. Just throwing off the heavy chains of his upbringing and starting to think for himself had produced real results. Now he had to focus on not stuffing things up with the lovely Ashley. Concentrate, big fella, concentrate.
‘Here they are,’ Blair called at hearing the knock on the door and voices. He wiped his hands on the nearest hand towel.
Rick did the same, took a deep breath, and followed him out of the kitchen and down the hall. As he stood next to Blair, ready to welcome the guests, he almost laughed. For anyone who didn’t know them, they might look like a couple couple – two gay men. The old him would have been terrified of this potential misunderstanding. The new Rick wasn’t bothered at all. And if he had been that way inclined, there’d be few people better than Blair to make a life with.
His heart tumbled three times at seeing Ashley. Yup, love at first sight. Again, he thought. And this time he knew it had nothing to do with lust – there was no stirring going on in his pants. The only filling up going on here was in his heart, which was expanding, as if stretching out to grab her – just like his hands were actually reaching out to her shoulders. He pecked her on the cheek and caught a whiff of freshness tinged with roses and maybe jasmine. He knew roses well, but only recognised jasmine because Blair had pointed it out in the garden the other day. Ashley was beaming at him, just as, he noticed out of the corner of his eye, Alice was beaming at Blair. Rick almost sighed with relief and contentment. Imagine his hurt if both women had been interested in Blair. And Ashley definitely wasn’t, because she’d just tucked her hand through Rick’s arm. His jittering heart steadied. He found himself lifting her hand and bringing it to his lips for a gentle kiss. He didn’t think he’d ever done anything so corny in his life. He didn’t care. He was happy. And he didn’t want there to be any confusion around his intentions. They beamed at each other – in their own little bubble. Rick was glad Lauren and Brett hadn’t arrived at the same time.
Here they were now. He turned to await the arrival of the car behind the headlights making their way up the driveway, his arm slipping neatly around Ashley as naturally as could be. He felt her lean into him and thought she let out a contented sigh, but that could have been his wishful thinking. He looked up at the stars shining in the clear, dark sky beyond the lights of the verandah, thinking this night would still be perfect if the wind was howling and thunder and lightning raged around them. He had the feeling that no matter what happened, with Ashley by his side, he could get through it. A little voice inside him tried to tell him that was being ridiculous – he’d probably spoken less than a hundred words to the woman in total, so how could he possibly know? Oh, I know, Rick thought. I know. This is it. Ashley is the one. His chest expanded and he became taller. Right then, he could have taken on the world – slayed any dragon, real or imagined, that came anywhere near him and his girl.
‘Lauren, Brett, this is Rick Peterson,’ Blair was now saying to the newcomers.
‘Alice’s ex-husband, right? Brilliant to meet you,’ Lauren said, not waiting for an answer, or accepting his hand – instead throwing her arms around him.
‘Yes,’ Rick said.
‘Great to meet you, mate,’ Brett said when Rick had been released, and offering his own hand.
‘Okay, people,’ Blair said when they’d all made their way through to the kitchen. ‘Rick, you sort out drinks while I get dinner prep finished.’
‘No problem.’ They’d discussed how things would go, so he was all over it. ‘We have beer, sparkling white, red or non-alcoholic sparkling apple juice, water or tea or coffee, if you prefer.’ He was thrilled when Ashley stood beside him and pretended to help. He chose the apple juice, wanting to keep his head clear. And he was impressed to see Ashley sticking to the soft stuff as well.
‘I’m not a big drinker ordinarily, but I don’t like to have anything at all if I’m driving,’ she explained. And Rick thought he fell in love with her just a little bit more, if that were possible.
‘Sounds like a good idea to me,’ he said as he filled their glasses and the others’, having to remind himself to watch what he was doing and not get distracted by the lovely vision that was Ashley.
‘Ah, a mighty fine drop,’ he said after they’d all clinked glasses, cried, ‘Cheers!’ and taken a sip. Rick and Ashley remained by the bench, Blair moved to the fridge and Lauren, Brett and Alice drifted over to the end of the table where their platter of nibbles had been placed. The tightknit trio was standing close, clearly catching up on what had gone on since they’d last met. He leant over to Blair.
‘Do you mind if I take Ashley over and show her the studio?’ he whispered.
‘Sure. No problem. Here, you’ll need keys. It’s locked,’ he said, opening a drawer and taking a set out and handing them over.
‘Come on, I want to show you something,’ he said to Ashley, putting an arm around her and gently guiding her towards the back door. If he’d been doing this back at Hope Springs he could imagine someone yelling out, ‘Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do,’ or ‘If you can’t be good, be careful,’ or the sound of loud, derisive cheers following them outside. He was beginning to see how uncomfortable his friends back there had been with affection and intimacy. No opportunity to make fun of someone or humiliate rarely went to waste. Rick hadn’t really understood what a true friend was, he didn’t think, until he’d arrived in Ballarat and Alice had taken him under her wing. And then Blair. God, how lucky am I? he thought, shaking his head slowly. Coming here.
He suddenly remembered Ashley beside him and squeezed her closer. The breeze whipped her scent around him.
‘God, you smell good,’ he found himself saying, in a slow, drawn-out voice.
‘Thanks,’ she said.
‘Sorry, was that sleazy?’
‘No, not at all.’
‘I’m very out of practice with, um, all this,’ he said.
‘Me too. But don’t worry, I don’t think there are any rules beyond having basic good manners and respect,’ she said, smiling.
As he turned to hold the gate back to let her pass first, he leant in and kissed her – deeply, lingering. But no tongues. He didn’t want her to be in any doubt how he felt, but also didn’t want her to think he was after the one thing blokes were well known for being after. Their height difference was irrelevant as they gazed intently into each other’s eyes. The glow from the moonlight and string of soft solar lights across the back verandah gave them a gentle sheen.
‘God, you’re beautiful,’ he said, pushing a loose strand of hair back from her face. Jesus, you sound like a bloody Hallmark card or a soppy movie. But he didn’t care. He kissed her again, deeper. Her lips parted and she leant into him; their chests were hot against each other.
Suddenly Rick pulled back and released her. He didn’t want to cheapen this, and she’d been almost bent backwards over the wire and steel fence. They had their whole lives ahead of them, however long that might be. He didn’t want to rush this.
He almost gasped: he finally really got the meaning of delayed gratification. The anticipation of what might be to come, later, much later. That if he took this easy, they might spend months, years getting to fully know each other, inside and out – piece by piece. Instead of a quick roll in the hay and satisfying a basic, urgent need in one hit and not having anything left to look forward to.
‘Oh my god, Ashley,’ he groaned. It would be hard to resist. She smelt and felt so good he couldn’t get close enough to her. He wanted to climb inside her and join their souls together. Creepy much? he found himself thinking, as he held her tight. ‘Oh,’ he said, pulling back as he felt something bump his leg. He looked down. Eric and Ruby stood in front of them, peering up, their tails wagging.
‘Hello, you guys,’ he said, bending down and giving them each a pat. Ashley bent down beside him.
‘Aww, aren’t you lovely?’ she said, ruffling their ears.
‘Ashley, this is Eric and this is Ruby.’
‘Cute names.’
‘Well, I can’t take any credit for that. So, you like dogs, then?’
‘Oh yes. I have a miniature poodle called Max. He and Alice’s Bill get on famously – they hang out at the office with us.’
‘I’m sure Alice might have mentioned that. Sorry, I forgot.’
‘No worries. But, yes, I’m a huge dog lover. All animals, really.’
Rick relaxed, surprised to find he’d even been tense in the first place. But now he thought, You’re lovely. You really are.
‘Are poodles the ones that have the hair that people don’t get allergic to?’ He thought he’d heard that somewhere before. Most probably online and it was complete BS. Oh well, too late now.
‘I’m not sure. I’m not allergic to any dogs, that I know of. He was at the shelter and we had a connection. That’s all. And he’s an awesome little guy. You’ll love him.’
Rick soared. ‘I’m going to get a greyhound – you know, from the adoption program?’
‘That’s great.’
‘I haven’t looked into it fully yet. I like the idea that they don’t need a lot of exercise and apparently are happy to just hang out. They seem really chilled. And there must be a lot who need homes.’
‘Yes. It’s hard to believe they call them couch potatoes, to look at them.’
‘Yeah.’
‘So, Alice tells me your parents were artists and you’ve inherited their warehouse-slash-studio? She updated me after you called her. Are you going to stay? In Ballarat? And become an artist?’
‘Yes. Definitely – to staying. And, maybe, if I can figure out if I have any talent or not.’
‘Are you kidding?’
‘What?’ Rick was genuinely perplexed.
‘Alice showed me a picture of the sculpture you made her. And the ones from your scrapbook of your parents’ work – they’re on her phone. You’ve clearly inherited their talent.’
‘Thanks. It’s a little daunting, to be honest.’
‘Why? What is? I mean, god, of course everything would be. What am I saying? I hope you don’t mind, but Alice has told me everything. It started with her being so shocked that she blurted it out. And then, well …’
‘No problem. You know, I’m learning how much help talking about things is. I was raised by people and in a place where that was a no-no and counselling was practically something you could go to hell for. Not that I’m religious – that’s a topic for another day. I’m cool with people knowing. I’ve realised just how unlike-able guarded people are, to be honest. I’ve been surrounded by them my whole life without knowing. Including Alice’s lot.’
‘Yes, her sister and her mother sound like real pieces of work.’
‘Yep. I was an idiot and didn’t see it, though.’
‘Well, that’s the whole thing about narcissists, so don’t feel too bad.’
‘Um, do you think we can not talk about my ex-wife on our first date,’ Rick said, and gently turned Ashley towards him to look her in the eye so she’d know he was being more playful than serious. Though, he did also mean it. They were all friends, but he didn’t want to get caught on that path.
Ashley surprised him by leaning in, teetering on her tippy-toes, and kissing him on the cheek. He wrapped his arms around her again. Their bodies were practically fused, their hearts beating fast together – thumpity thump, thumpity thump. The thought, Easy, tiger, you don’t want to scare the girl off, rolled through him and with a slight groan he reluctantly stopped kissing Ashley and gently eased them apart.
‘Come on, I wanted to show you Blair’s studio and I don’t want to hold up dinner.’ He kissed her on the lips, took her by the hand and led her out the gate, shutting it behind them, checking over her shoulder as he did that the dogs were on the house side. As they walked in silence, still hand in hand, Rick wondered if Ashley had a big goofy grin on her face like he did.
He pulled the door open and flicked on the lights. Gradually the place was illuminated. ‘That’s a chair-slash-stepladder for Alice that Blair’s making.’
‘God, he’s got it bad, too,’ she said, going over and running her hands over the timber.
