The Long Road Home, page 2
Alice updated her social media accounts to say she now lived in Ballarat, had been accepted to the course and worked at the law firm. It all felt good – like she really had stepped in the right direction of putting her life back together. Getting on with it. She felt a surge of pride … until a little voice inside her said she was getting above herself. A little voice that sounded just like her mother’s stern, condescending tone. No. What was wrong with feeling silently proud of one’s achievement? She’d earnt her place fair and square – her transcript from her Arts Degree with Modern History major was full of high distinctions and distinctions. She’d worked hard to achieve them. She was not boasting. She was stating facts. If her family – or anyone else – felt uncomfortable with it, well that was their problem. Alice Hamilton was done with censoring herself to keep others happy or comfortable in their little boxes. She’d done that for most of her life and it had got her nowhere.
Nonetheless, she was pleased to see a heap of likes and comments appear. Seeing Frank’s love heart emoji appear under her Facebook post twisted Alice’s heart. She longed to pick up the phone and speak to him. But it must be almost dinner time in the once-Hamilton-now-Roberts household. No doubt he was being told off right then about having his head in his phone and not giving Dawn his undivided attention. Alice had actually forgotten he was on Facebook. She’d accepted his friend request years ago and had never seen him post anything, well, not that she could remember. Wary of becoming addicted and wasting too much time, she’d pulled back while at uni and not been a huge user of any social media for years. But recently she’d got more into it again in an effort to feel not quite so sad and lonely as she’d gone through the turmoil with her last job, leaving David and life in general. There were some things she absolutely loathed about it – the false façades people put up of how absolutely brilliant they and their lives were. And there were things she absolutely loved about it – posts of lost persons and pets being shared and hearing of good outcomes, people’s milestones and humour and connections, and valuable information from reputable sources. Since discovering the subject of narcissism, she’d been sharing the posts of several good pages in an effort to help spread the message. She figured if everyone knew the tactics and what to look for in these horrible people, perhaps the predators might eventually be stamped out or at least neutralised. Of course, a certain level of narcissism was supposed to be useful in the world, though Alice didn’t see why people couldn’t be strong and assertive without being arrogant wankers, which was what she chose to call them – at least to herself.
Chapter Two
Alice’s heart seemed to stop momentarily at seeing a notification of an email from David – the de facto partner she’d recently left – with the word ‘Settlement’ in the subject line. She held her breath as she opened it. She blinked, almost unable to believe what she was seeing. And then she let out a long sigh of relief. There was a bank receipt notification of transfer of payment – the full amount she’d asked for. She felt a pang of guilt. Not that she’d done anything wrong; she’d only asked to be compensated for what she’d actually put into the house deposit and his uni fees. She’d been fair. Ashley at work had told her she was entitled to a lot more. But Alice knew David would struggle as it was with what he had to pay her. He might even have to ask his parents – both civil servants in Sydney – to help, which would just about kill him. Money and reputation were everything to David Green. Alice had briefly thought about walking away without a cent and she might have if it hadn’t been for the fact when she left she had no job and no home and very little left in her own bank account.
When she’d left, and was house-sitting for the Finmores, he’d turned up with his version of a settlement and pushed her to sign it on the spot, but she’d been rushed into signing paperwork when her marriage to Rick had ended, only realising later she’d been ripped off. She wasn’t making that mistake again. The figure she’d calculated, which was almost twice David’s, Ashley had put in a letter on the company letterhead and sent on Alice’s behalf. This had prompted a nasty voicemail from David. The man who had always told Alice ‘we don’t raise our voices; we are adults and will discuss this like adults’ was severely pissed off that she’d questioned him and that he might have to fork out more money. As much as Alice didn’t want to hurt him – she held him no malice; they were just too different – she had herself and her future to think of. And her own pride, when it came to it. If she were to be a strong, independent woman she had to start standing up for herself to David as she had Carmel Gold. It obviously helped that she had free access to legal advice and correspondence.
She hadn’t returned David’s call or any of his emails, in turn pathetic and pleading, manipulative and threatening. And now, three weeks later, she’d been paid the full amount she, via Ashley, had asked for. No doubt he’d been to see his own lawyer in that time and told he was damned lucky it was only this amount. She could see it.
Alice took several deep breaths. She was now really free of David. There was no need for them ever to have contact again. How did she feel about that? Sad? Relieved? Both, but mainly sad. She’d been here a month, but suddenly felt for the first time she was really here. Really alone. For the rest of the time she’d been avoiding thinking too deeply about her situation, her new circumstances and the abrupt end to her life with David. The end of her Melbourne life, full stop. She’d been kept busy with getting to know Ballarat streets, learning her new job, waiting to hear about her uni application. Settling in. Now as the tears prickled painfully in her eyes, Alice realised she’d been outrunning her feelings or shoving them down inside her.
She was scared. Maybe David was right. How was she going to survive on her own financially? Emotionally? Physically? She’d felt abandoned by him in her time of need, when her dear friend Ruth had died suddenly and she’d had to venture back to Hope Springs alone to the funeral. Perhaps, as he’d said, she’d made a hasty decision, been too emotional at the time. Had over-thought it. Could you be both over-thinking and overly emotional at the same time? Wasn’t that oxymoronic? Had she made the wrong decision after all? Tears streamed down her face and her insides felt both empty and painfully tight. Oh god. She pulled one of the cushions on the couch to her stomach and held on, hoping the lost, drowning feeling would pass. Maybe her mother was right: she shouldn’t be on her own; she’d be lonely.
The tears stopped. Alice blinked. And as her vision became clear again, so did her mind. She would never forget how she’d felt that day standing in the Hope Springs cemetery, surrounded by people she knew but feeling so desolate – sadness the likes of which she hadn’t felt since losing her father. She’d felt completely and utterly abandoned. No, she was just feeling sorry for herself. She was allowed such moments. But not too many or at least not for too long!
As her dear friend Lauren was always saying, she had to be kind to herself. She really had been through quite a bit recently and needed to process it in a gentle way. She wasn’t selfish and calculating like her mother and sister. She was deeply emotional and super sensitive like she gathered her father must have been. If only men hadn’t been raised to believe they couldn’t be emotional or shed tears. Oh how she missed him. But she did also like to think she felt him with her – urging her on to find herself, find her way – and soon. Thank Christ she’d left Hope Springs and the narrow-minded family that remained there. She had David to thank, though if she hadn’t had some courage of her own she would have said no.
Alice looked at the email from him again and wondered if she should respond. And say what? Thank you? On email it could sound abrupt – like she was being smug or victorious or something. She’d sleep on it.
Alice returned to the Instagram app and smiled at all the well-wishes from her friends and acquaintances. She wasn’t alone.
She laughed aloud at Lauren’s gif of people waving their arms and cheering. No, she wasn’t alone. She might not have blood relatives she could count on, but the Finmores were amazing. If she had a car she could have driven out there for a hug. They would completely understand what she was feeling, even if she couldn’t express it herself. They never said, ‘Oh, Alice,’ in that condescending, sneering tone her mother and Olivia used. And they certainly wouldn’t tell her to pull herself together or that she was an embarrassment for being emotional. God, how had she got through her childhood and early adulthood? But at least she was tough and capable.
‘Well, when I’m not blubbering like an idiot and feeling sorry for myself, huh, Bill?’ she said, ruffling the ears of the dog lying beside her. He turned and licked her hand and flapped his tail. How do people get through this stuff without a pet in their lives? She turned back to her phone and felt both affection and apprehension – the latest comment was from Rick, her ex-husband: Awesome news. Well done! Xx
She stared at the two Xs and the heart. Oh shit. Perhaps she shouldn’t have agreed to connect again with him online after all. He’d asked after Ruth’s funeral when she’d been so vulnerable, and she couldn’t have said no after he’d been so good to her that day. But oh dear, maybe she’d opened up a connection better left closed. He was single again and vulnerable. So was she. Alice pressed the home key on her phone and turned it over.
As she clicked the TV on she wondered if she should, could, buy herself a house-warming-slash-celebratory gift. Nothing too expensive, but something for herself. Should she think about buying a cheap car too? She didn’t like feeling she couldn’t just go somewhere for a drive when she wanted to. But she reminded herself she liked the idea of an extra buffer in her bank account more. One of the Finmores was in Ballarat several times a week and their home was really the only place she couldn’t easily get to in a cab. And they were only about half an hour away. Charles and Melissa had said plenty of times she was welcome to call them if she wanted to visit. They were both retired and could come and get her. And there was always their farm manager Blair.
Ah, the intriguing, very good-looking Blair … She’d met him at dinner at the Finmores’ and he’d brought her in the day she moved into the flat. She’d also thought she’d seen him at the market the other day, but she could have been mistaken. She’d spent time sitting beside him in his ute and at the dinner table, but didn’t know anything else about him beyond the fact he seemed friendly, was olive-skinned and muscular, judging by the bulges under the dress and polo shirts she’d so far seen him wearing. She’d had to forcibly avert her gaze from the huge brown eyes, the broad smile and the thick dark hair, which might be wavy but was kept trimmed a little too close to his head to really tell. She’d snuck more than a few covert glances at his rounded backside and long lean legs. Hmm, annoyingly, he’d piqued her curiosity and distracted her far too much, despite her telling herself he was most likely married and she was certainly not looking for a love interest anyway.
Alice brought up her favourite online homewares and gift store and clicked on throw rugs, taking the red sale signs plastered over the site as a good sign. Her mouth practically watered at seeing a magenta wool throw staring back at her. She went into her bedroom and tried to imagine it on her bed and decided it would look perfect on both the navy sofa and the grey waffle quilt cover. Did she even care if it worked or not? She almost pressed the add to cart button at thinking how much David would hate it. He was all about grey and white and everything minimal. It was still very expensive at half price, though … no, she’d sleep on that too. Your ex hating something was probably not a good enough reason to buy it.
She’d also have a look at the stores in the mall tomorrow morning while she was there with Ashley for the weekly market. After that she and Bill were being collected and going out to the Finmores’ gorgeous historical home – Toilichte House, which apparently meant happy in Scots Gaelic. They were English and might or might not have Scottish heritage – she’d never asked – but the house had been already named when the Finmores bought it quite a few years back. Speaking of mouth-watering. She just loved being there. She couldn’t wait to see Lauren and Brett, too. Then she’d really get stuck into her reading and get a jump on her course. She had a few months yet but figured she could never be too organised or well prepared. The challenge had her fired up. So what if she lived in a tiny rented flat? She had a wonderful life and exciting times ahead. She would make sure of it. She was in charge now. And it was going to be a great birthday.
Chapter Three
Alice waited for Ashley on the corner at the end of the mall in the sun with her coat pulled tight around her. During her walk from home it had been quite chilly, mainly thanks to the brisk wind rushing between the buildings and down the narrow alleys. She almost sighed aloud now at the sun drumming on her back and closed her eyes and lifted her face to the sky to make the most of it.
‘Good morning,’ Ashley said, startling her a little.
‘Good morning,’ Alice said, beaming at her new friend, who was almost her height thanks to the tall high-heeled black boots her jeans were tucked into. She loved how confident Ashley was in her skin. The lawyer was plus sized and with straight mousebrown hair she usually kept pulled back into a ponytail. Alice, sweeping her own long dark locks over one shoulder to keep them out of her friend’s face as she bent for a hug, thought Ashley radiated gorgeousness from the inside out thanks to her general effervescence and the huge smile that lit up her round face with its dusting of light freckles and two pronounced dimples. ‘Isn’t the sun gorgeous?’
‘It sure is. Hello, Bill,’ Ashley said, bending down to give the dog a pat. But Bill ignored her. He and his new bestie Max, the black miniature poodle, were busy with their own reunion.
‘Oh, nearly forgot, happy birthday!’ Ashley said, pulling Alice into another hug. ‘These are for you,’ she said, reaching into her tote bag and bringing out a small box of handmade chocolates from the stall they had admired the week before.
‘Yum. Thanks so much. Another year bites the dust,’ Alice said, raising her eyebrows.
‘Another year wiser,’ Ashley said.
‘Well, one can hope,’ Alice said.
‘First things first – I need coffee,’ Ashley said, looking around. ‘Shall we go where we went last time or try somewhere else?’
‘I walked past one just over there and it smelt divine,’ Alice said, indicating to her left with her head.
‘Perfect!’ Ashley said, leading the way. Alice smiled to herself. This was the best way to spend a Saturday – looking over the wares of the clever creative types of Ballarat while grazing on interesting titbits and buying some fresh fruit and veg and meat for the week ahead. And the experience was made so much the better by having the calm but enthusiastic Ashley to wander with, though this was only their third time doing this together. Alice was a little cautious when it came to friendships these days after discovering her childhood best friend, Shannon, had slept with Rick.
Alice accepted she and Ashley might still be in the honeymoon period of their friendship, but hoped not. Deep down she thought their connection deeper and genuine – that they were just easygoing people. There had been a couple of times when Alice had spotted something she wanted to look at and Ashley wasn’t all that interested and vice versa. They just caught up again further down the mall.
Ashley was more into homewares and Alice more into the food side of the market, though as she got her finances sorted out – i.e. more dollars all round – she might become more interested in finding a knickknack or two for her little home. Ashley had recently moved into her own townhouse and was in the phase of making it her own. Alice understood – she’d ended up spending hours the night before trawling through several online shopping sites. She’d found two throw rugs she loved and hadn’t been able to decide between the plain purple one or the bright multicoloured check. And no matter how many times she’d told herself she deserved it, she kept hearing her mother’s voice telling her she was being silly to spend a hundred dollars on something so frivolous. Though, she’d almost justified, it was still quite chilly in the evenings and early mornings. A throw on her bed and wrapped around her would mean spending less on heating. Lauren would have said she should just do it, but then Lauren had an endless supply of money thanks to incredibly supportive, well-off parents and being an only child. Alice had to keep her wits about her and not be led astray by Lauren’s more carefree spending ways. Anyway, Alice had never been a big online shopper. She liked to touch an item, turn it over in her hands and make sure of the colour, size and texture in real life rather than taking a punt on a website’s picture and gushing description. Actually, maybe she’d find something at the markets. Something handmade maybe. Alice loved to shop with a purpose.
‘Are you okay with us using our own mugs?’ Ashley asked the man behind the coffee cart. ‘They’re clean.’
‘Absolutely.’
‘Brilliant. I’ll have a latte, please,’ Ashley said, handing over her travel mug.
Alice pulled her own out of the calico bag she’d dedicated to market use. Her travel mug had been her first Ballarat purchase, spurred on by Ashley at their first market visit together.
‘I’ll have a latte too, thanks,’ she said, handing her mug over.
‘Look, quick, a table,’ Ashley said, as she turned with her mug after paying. ‘I’ll just go and grab it.’
‘Good idea,’ Alice said.
‘Ah, that’s better. Nectar of the gods,’ Ashley said with a long, contented sigh after they’d both taken long sips.
