The Long Road Home, page 10
She opened her mouth. You’d do that for me? But the words didn’t come out – there was a large lump in the way.
It had felt so good to know she was believed about her mother. That was the biggest of healing that all the survivors of narcissists wanted and what seemed to stop a lot of them moving on. And now this.
‘No pressure. Honestly. I know you have a new life. But I wanted you to have the opportunity.’
‘It means the absolute world to me that you would even think it, Frank, but why? Why me? Please don’t say to stick it to my soon-to-be-ex-wife.’
‘Oh, no, never, Alice, that’s not in my nature. Because I believe in you. You will be brilliant at whatever you turn your hand to.’
Tears prickled in Alice’s eyes. She’d wanted to hear words like those – she had waited to hear them from her mother her entire life. ‘Oh, Frank,’ she said, getting up and wrapping her arms around him. He hugged her back for a long moment.
Eventually she let him go and returned to her seat.
‘Well …?’
‘Well,’ she said. ‘You just making the offer means so much to me – you’ll never know how much – but I don’t want anything handed to me on a plate. Honestly, as much as I love the building and think I’d run a good and successful business – whatever I decided to do – going back to Hope Springs would be a big backwards step for me.’ Although if my mother and Olivia left … ‘I feel like I’m on the right track now. And as much as Hope Springs needs legal services, it won’t be from me. I’ll be sad to see the building sold, but that’s the way things go. I think my sentimentality lies more in my memories there and when my dad was still alive. He’s in my heart and that’s enough. Well, it should be. Thank you. But seriously, if you’re keen to run it as a business – carry on as it is – maybe it’s worth talking to Rick.’
‘I always liked him, but wouldn’t it be a bit, oh, I don’t know, disloyal to you? He is your ex-husband after all. I know you seem to get along okay now, but still … Anyway, I thought you said once he was lazy. Or am I remembering incorrectly?’
‘Yes, I did say that,’ Alice said, colouring. ‘And at the time I thought it. But I’m wondering if maybe like me he hadn’t completely found what was in his heart. He’s never felt a strong connection with his family and maybe he was trying to be loyal to his upbringing and gain his parents’ approval, like I spent so long doing. I wouldn’t be surprised if now his dad has gone he starts to properly find his feet. I just think that people can summon a lot of drive to do something they’re truly passionate about, when it comes down to it. Anyway, it’s just something to think about,’ she added with a shrug. ‘Although, I’m not sure quite where his head is at right now – he’s a bit too angry at not being left his farm by his father.’
‘Well, it’s never a good idea to make decisions when emotions are high, as I’ve said. I’m certainly not making any more right now. But I will keep him in mind while I’m deciding what to do going forwards. Now, let’s change the subject. Do you fancy a glass of wine – I got a bottle along the way in case I could convince you to come out for dinner with me.’
‘Yes, I think I need a drink after all that,’ Alice said with a laugh. ‘And are you happy to stay in and eat?’
‘Oh yes, please. I can’t resist your lamb shanks now I’ve been smelling them. I’ll be back in a jiffy,’ he said, getting up.
‘I’m so glad you’re here, Frank. I really am,’ Alice said, turning and smiling up at him.
‘I’m glad,’ he said, laying a hand on her shoulder briefly before making his way out.
‘How lucky are we, Bill?’ Alice said, lifting the dog up and giving him a cuddle while she waited for Frank to return.
Chapter Twelve
Frank returned a minute or so later with a bottle of wine tucked under his arm. He was also carrying a large brown paper carry bag, which he put beside his chair, and a small box-shaped object wrapped in pink and silver gift wrap.
‘Happy belated birthday, Alice,’ he said, handing her the parcel.
‘Oh, wow, Frank. Thanks so much,’ she said, sliding her finger under the first piece of sticky tape.
‘No card, I’m afraid. I couldn’t find the perfect one.’
‘I don’t mind one little bit. Ooh, this is intriguing,’ she said, peeling off the pieces of tape. She bit her lip and looked at Frank and then back to the oblong dark blue box with Waterman printed on it in gold. ‘Oh, Frank.’
‘Open it.’
Alice opened the hinged lid. Inside was a pair of pens in glossy black and purple swirling marbled lacquer. ‘Oh. My. God. They’re beautiful.’ She picked one up and turned it over in her hand. It was cool to the touch and heavy, but the weight felt good. Well balanced. She’d only ever used ordinary plastic pens before. She looked for the clicker to bring the nib out.
‘You have to twist the top,’ Frank said, pointing. ‘I’m not sure if that’s the mechanical pencil or the ballpoint you have there.’
‘Oh wow,’ Alice said as she scribbled on the underside of the discarded gift wrap. ‘It’s amazing to write with, too – so smooth and silky.’
‘You wait until you see all the different colours you can refill it with.’
‘Brilliant! Oh, Frank, I love them and will treasure them always.’
‘I’m so pleased,’ he said, beaming.
‘I’m sure having the most stunning writing instruments will help keep me focussed when the study gets hard, too.’ She was feeling a little overwhelmed. She had to swallow the lump rising in her throat. ‘Thanks, Frank. Best birthday ever!’ she cried.
‘My pleasure. You deserve it. And, now, this is for you,’ he said, bending down and bringing up the paper bag and carefully putting it on the table.
‘What is it?’ Alice said as she placed the pen back into its box and closed the lid.
‘I just hope I’ve done the right thing in taking it, but I didn’t want to leave it in case …’
‘Why? What do you mean?’ she said, frowning.
‘They’ve started going through everything in preparation for open houses – or just spring cleaning if they’re not going to go through with selling. Anyway, I grabbed this because I figured it must have been your dad’s. We both know how unsentimental your mother is, and Olivia, and …’
Alice didn’t hear any more words as he brought out a large book and placed it in front of her. She stared at it, unable to speak, as a multitude of intense memories and emotions swamped her.
‘Do you know it?’Frank asked, clearly unable to read her expression.
Alice managed to nod. She brought her hands to her face and then picked up the large tome and held it close, hugging it to her chest, breathing in its old paper and leather scents. She felt a twinge of guilt as she remembered deliberately leaving it behind when she moved in with Rick – in a momentary show of anger and disappointment with her father for leaving her, she had taken it from her shelf in her room and put it into the one in the loungeroom. Dawn might not have liked to read, but she liked having a full bookshelf in her home for anyone who visited. The books had all belonged to Alice’s father.
‘Thanks so much for this, Frank.’
Frank visibly relaxed. ‘I hope I’m not bringing up painful memories for you.’
‘No, not at all,’ she said, running a hand over the embossed gold title and surrounding decoration – Library Atlas.
‘It’s actually quite valuable. I looked it up on the internet. So, if you don’t want it for sentimental reasons …’
‘I used to sit on Dad’s lap when I was little and then beside him on the couch when I got too big and we’d look at this book together. Nearly every night. Once I could probably have told you the order of the chapters and the old names of countries and places on the maps. I haven’t opened it since he died,’ she said, sadly, guilt tugging at her. She swallowed back the lump forming in her throat and pushed on. ‘It was our thing. Mum thought we were silly going on about places we’d never visit and re-reading about them over and over.’
‘She was probably jealous of your relationship with your dad.’
‘Yes, I know that now. I’m actually surprised she didn’t burn it. I feel terrible that I’d forgotten about it for so long. I should have taken it with me.’
‘She probably wouldn’t have let you.’
‘No, probably not.’
One of the things about Dawn was that if you showed an interest in something she’d want it when she’d never been interested in the object before.
As Alice sat there, with the book clutched to her, it all came flooding back. ‘Oh,’ she said.
‘What?’
Alice let out a laugh as she started flicking through the book. ‘Do you remember when they changed two- and one-dollar notes for coins? It was before I was born, I think.’
‘I do,’ Frank said.
‘Dad got a couple of new notes and kept them in here to keep them safe and in perfect condition – he reckoned they’d be worth something one day. He made me promise not to touch them. Hmm, I wonder where we put them, and if they’re still here.’
‘Somewhere logical, I’m guessing, knowing you,’ Frank said.
‘Or just in the middle so they had the weight around them, if I’m remembering correctly. Oh, look. Here’s one! Oh, wow.’ She was overcome again. She put the open book down and pushed her chair back a bit from the table, feeling the need to be away from Frank’s scrutinising gaze.
‘See if there are any others in there. I just need the loo,’ she said, getting up quickly and leaving.
Alice sat on the loo trying to take deep breaths and compose herself. But she couldn’t breathe properly and she was gasping, taking quick short gulps. She pulled at her T-shirt, which was suddenly feeling too tight. She wanted to take it off, but her hands and arms weren’t working properly.
Suddenly Bill was there in front of her – she mustn’t have clicked the door shut properly in her haste. He peered up at her between her knees and put his paws up and then licked her chin when she bent down to stroke his head.
‘Oh, Bill,’ she said, rubbing his ears. ‘Mummy’s a bit sad and freaked out. But I’ll be okay. I just need a minute.’ The tight atmosphere started to dissipate and her breathing became easier. The dog licked her again and then sat down, curling up at her feet. Oh how she loved him. He ordinarily didn’t lick much, but thank goodness he’d brought her back. Had that been a panic attack? She looked around and pulled a length of toilet paper from the roll and wiped her eyes and blew her nose. She was being silly. No, not silly, that’s what her mother would say. No, she was just having a moment, which was perfectly okay. She’d never stop missing her dad or get over losing him. You didn’t get over grief, Alice now understood, you got through it, but became a different person as a result. Having moved away from her cold mother’s constant influence, she’d become more sentimental and more sensitive, which she’d always known herself to be but had just stamped down. And now she was free to be herself, her true character was coming out. She just had to learn not to be so shocked by the depth of her feelings and reaction to things. Her dad wasn’t there, but he was watching over her and helping to guide her. She couldn’t explain it beyond just knowing it to be true. She wasn’t religious and didn’t believe in there being a god – a lifeforce, yes, but not a bloke with a beard pulling all the strings. Her dad was a big part of that lifeforce. At last she’d started listening to it – acknowledging her intuition.
‘Good dog, Bill. You’re a good, good boy,’ she said, ruffling his ears again before getting up. ‘Come on.’ She gave her eyes a final wipe, washed and dried her hands and left the small room. Sorry about that, Frank,’ she said, patting his shoulder as she retook her seat at the table. ‘I just needed a moment.’
‘I’m sorry I upset you. It wasn’t my intention.’
‘It’s okay. I’m happy sad. Sort of.’
‘You be whatever you need to be. As long as you’re okay. If you want me to go …’
‘No, no. I’m fine. I just got overwhelmed for a moment. I’m okay now. Honestly.’ Alice liked that she could be so truthful with Frank. He’d never tell her she was being silly, overly sensitive, embarrassing.
‘You know, it was probably because of all those years sitting with Dad and this book that I ended up studying History at uni. Which is what got me to where I am now. So, there you go,’ she said.
‘I think it was all definitely meant to be.’
‘And if Dad hadn’t died, I wouldn’t be exactly where I am and who I am now,’ Alice said slowly. ‘Perhaps with death it just takes longer to see the connection.’
‘Maybe it does. You know, Alice, he’d be very proud of you – your resilience, your generosity of spirit. I know I am.’
‘If he hadn’t died, I wouldn’t have met you, either, Frank, and I’m really glad I did,’ Alice said quietly, and put a hand on his arm.
Frank put a hand over hers and smiled while looking into her eyes for a moment before looking away. ‘God, look at me getting all emotional now,’ he said, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand. He cleared his throat. ‘There are two other two-dollar notes in there and a couple of ones too – a bit further on. But I found this,’ he added, holding out a piece of folded A4 white paper.
‘What is it?’ Alice asked as she accepted it.
‘See for yourself.’
Alice unfolded it and blinked several times, trying to make sense of what she was seeing.
‘Is it yours?’
‘No, I’ve never seen it before. It must have been Dad’s.’ Alice’s heart fluttered, then settled into a slow deep rhythm. What she was looking at was an acceptance to study by correspondence through TAFE – Introduction to Law. What? ‘Oh. My. God. He was going to study law?’ She looked up at Frank, holding the paper out for him to read. She wasn’t sure how closely he’d already looked at it before handing it over.
‘It looks like it.’
‘Wow.’ Alice stared at the date, trying to register it and then reconcile it with other dates around that time.
‘This was about a month before he died. Killed himself,’ she said quietly, when it had become clear. ‘Why would he …?’ The words fell off her tongue. She looked at Frank again, sadly this time. Of course she knew why. Because Dawn had probably said no, had probably manipulated him by threatening divorce or something, and he’d given in. Alice had begun to realise how hard a life married to Dawn might have been for her dad. Now it was practically there in her hand, written in black ink on white paper. This was as good as the final nail in his coffin – or the final knot in the rope he’d put around his neck. Alice’s heart sank. If only they’d left together. If only he’d had the courage to leave Dawn and take Alice with him. But, of course, what would Dawn have said and done about that?
‘Wow,’ Alice said again, and sat back in her chair. She took a deep breath and let it out loudly. How would she feel if the letter had been about medicine or something else? Would that make a difference to how she was feeling? But it wasn’t, was it – it was for law.
‘Well, clearly you’re exactly where you’re meant to be. He’d be so proud, Alice.’
She had a strange sense of being apart from her body – like that this was not her, not her decision, that Dad was pulling her strings. Was he in control? But, no. They were in it together. She felt a renewed energy about her path and the strong feeling that had been with her since deciding – the urgency to get it done as quickly as possible – left her. She felt it as a calmness overtaking her. If she could have seen it, she thought it would have been a waft of smoke floating up to the window and out.
‘Jesus,’ Alice said, looking at Frank with wide eyes.
‘Yes. Indeed. I wouldn’t have believed it if I hadn’t seen it for myself. Obviously Dawn has never mentioned it to me,’ Frank said.
‘Truth seriously is stranger than fiction sometimes, as my writer friend Lauren would say.’
‘It certainly is.’
‘I just wish it hadn’t taken me this long to figure all this stuff out.’
‘Perhaps you missed other, more subtle signs or weren’t deemed ready – emotionally or psychologically or something,’ he said with a shrug. ‘I think timing is important too.’
‘Hmm.’
They sat in silence for a few moments until Alice broke it. ‘I’m exhausted. And I really do need that drink now,’ she said with a laugh. ‘I feel like all the stuffing has been taken out of me then shoved back in roughly and in the wrong order!’
‘I’m not surprised. I’m feeling much the same way myself. That’s a good description for it.’
‘Speaking of hollowed out. I’m suddenly hungry, too. How about you?’
‘Yes, I could certainly eat. I had an early lunch. I’m ravenous.’
‘Why didn’t you say?’
‘I wasn’t before. It’s smelling your food that’s to blame.’
They’d just finished off dinner with mugs of peppermint tea when Frank said he needed to head off.
She hugged him tightly at the door, after reminding him to come by her office the next day at noon to meet her work family and go out for lunch together. She waved as he backed out of her paved driveway and into the street before going back inside.
Alice went to bed, but she couldn’t sleep. She was both exhausted and wide awake. She’d brought the book in with her, unable to let it out of her sight again. She opened it to where she’d left the letter poking out. She took it out and stared at the book. Was there anything else hidden between its pages? Frank had gone through it to find this and the one- and two-dollar notes. There was probably nothing else, but she needed to know for sure. The book was precious, so she carefully flicked through each page, unfolded each map and refolded it. She dared not look at the clock. She paused several times to rub her tired eyes, so she knew it was getting late. But she persisted until she’d gone through all the pages.
She sat back feeling shattered at finding no further clues from her father – or direct correspondence. She closed the heavy book, hugged it to her and began to sob. She’d felt so sure her dad had left her a letter – a suicide note, or at least an explanation. For her eyes only. She thought they’d been really that in tune with each other. Now she felt as if she were losing him all over again. And then there was such a rush of anger and frustration passing through her that she came very close to throwing the book across the room. She might have if it was actually her room and not a rental. Alice had never been a violent person, but Carmel Gold had brought her close – had undone something within her. Thankfully she had been able to breathe through it and resist the urges.
