Succubus Lord 6, page 8
part #6 of Succubus Lord Series
“Todd … ” I tried to let the imp think about what he’d just said. “That’s the same guy. He brought us the expensive champagne, remember?”
The imp opened his mouth to argue some more, but then it clapped shut as he tried to recall that day in Vegas. Then his eyes widened in horror, and his mouth fell agape once more.
“Oh shit, bro!” he exclaimed. “That is the same dude. I should probably call and cancel the interview.”
“Yeah, we definitely don’t want that guy coming into our mansion,” I reiterated, “even if it will make us money. The last thing he needs to do is piece two and two together.”
“Have Ollie make the call,” Todd said with the voice of an angry newspaper editor. “This story’s goin’ nowhere.”
“Are you sure you don’t want Oliver to come up with something?” I asked. “He’s pretty well-spoken.”
Todd crossed his arms and shook his head. “Nah, bro,” the imp shot back. “He may know his paranormal shit, but the Toddster’s gotta keep up his brand. Does he even know about the Wheel of Whack?”
“Do I even want to know?” I asked, even though I knew he was going to give me an answer anyways.
“The Wheel of Wack, bro,” Todd explained. “It’s this segment where I put all this week’s hot paranormal topics on a big wheel, spin it, and then make prank calls to whatever subject it lands on. Did you know the secretary of the Loch Ness Monster Society hates being called ‘Lassie?’”
“I can’t say I did,” I admitted.
“Exactly,” the imp continued. “I can’t have somebody do the podcast without doing the Wheel of Wack. Besides, Oliver would probably find a way to turn it into a podcast about the cult’s group orgies.”
“The orgies!” Sia gasped. “Jacob, did you explicitly state that Oliver and the rest of the cultists weren’t allowed to perform those rituals in our mansion?”
“I--I didn’t think I would have to tell him that,” I admitted. “I figured it’d be implied.”
The entire vehicle was filled with groans of annoyance.
“I really hope they stay out of my collection,” Todd mused. “For my sake, and theirs. No matter how deep into the depths of the internet they’ve gone, no matter how many paranormal entities they’ve encountered, no matter how many blood orgies they’ve done … nothing will prepare them for what’s in that little black box.”
“What could possibly be in the box that would--” Libidine started, and then Todd spun around in his seat and gave her a death glare.
“You don’t want to know, Lib,” he warned. “Nobody needs that in their life. Probably not even me. Come to think of it, I should probably dispose of all that shit myself before somebody accidentally stumbles on it and has their life changed forever.”
“Alright, it’s agreed,” I addressed the friends in my car. “First thing we do when we get settled at Elmer and Betty’s is to call Oliver and remind him not to perform any rituals.”
“And to stay out of that second bedroom,” Todd added. “I’m not paying for the years of therapy bills that’ll be needed after they go through that shit.”
“And to stay out of the second bedroom,” I repeated and turned my attention back to the road.
We drove on for nearly two full days, and only stopped for the occasional pit stop and to stay the night in some cheap hotel we’d seen on the side of the road. Once we were all rested and refreshed, we hit the road again. Now, our GPS told us we were only ten minutes or so away from our destination.
Dusk had fallen across the landscape of upstate Virginia, and the setting sun lit up the beautiful hillsides to make it look like a painting you’d find in an art museum. The succubi stared out at the scenery while Todd was passed out in the passenger seat and snored like a buzzsaw.
Finally, I saw a familiar, beat-up blue mailbox jutting out of the country road like a pale, reflective beacon in the night. I turned the wheel of Shadow, and we began our ascent up the long, winding driveway of the farmhouse. We reached the end of the driveway in no time flat, and soon, we found ourselves in the presence of the humble, two-story house Elmer and Betty had lived in since they were teenagers.
When we had first encountered the old couple, the house was in shambles. Chunks of siding had fallen off, tiles were missing all across the roof, and some of the windows had even been broken. At the time, Ira was still our enemy, and we had a tense meal with Elmer and Betty that quickly dissolved into a violent throw-down in which half of the farmhouse was destroyed. Once Ira was turned and the world was saved, Sia had come back and fixed the house with her healing magic.
“This place looks like it was built yesterday,” I whistled as I killed the ignition on Shadow. “Definitely not the image I get in my mind when I think ‘old farmhouse.’”
“You’re welcome!” Superbia giggled from the backseat. “My touch does quite the number on things, it’s almost like magic. Then again, I don’t have to tell you that.”
“A joke?” I gasped. “From Sia?”
“Don’t get used to it,” the succubus shot back as she and her sisters exited the vehicle.
I reached over and gave Todd a hearty slap on the foot, and the imp began to stir. “Wha--what? I swear, officer, I’m not high,” he mumbled groggily. “It wasn’t me, it was the one-armed man.”
“I don’t care,” I shot back in my gruffest voice as I played along with his charade. “But seriously, bro, wake up.”
Todd sat up in the passenger seat and rubbed his eyes sleepily. “Did we make it to the old fogeys’ house?” he asked through a yawn.
The imp popped open the passenger side door and half-rolled, half-fell out onto the ground. He stood up, brushed himself off, and sauntered over to my side.
“Ya think I need to go all retro-Todd?” he questioned. “Or do you think Elmer and Betty can handle the sexiness of this temple?”
“I dunno,” I joked. “Seeing you in your true form might awaken some things in Betty … ”
“I’ve always wanted to date a cougar,” Todd said with a shrug. “I’m hoping I can find one of ‘em while we’re down there in Hell. Think about it, bro. There she is, some forty-something goddess, trapped for all eternity in the Lake of Fire, and then, in comes the Toddster, locks flowing and muscles rippling. With the help of my trusty sidekick, we beat the shit out of some demons, rescue the fair maiden, and bring her back to Earth, where she repays the Toddster with a mixture of home cooking, back rubs, and sexual favors.”
I raised an eyebrow at the imp curiously. “You’ve thought a lot about this, haven’t you?”
“Bro, when you watch two hours worth of porn a day, you gotta start coming up with your own fantasies,” the imp explained. “Gotta keep a little variety in your life, yanno?”
Without warning, the bright light of the porch sprang to life and cut through the night sky like a knife. The fixture itself wasn’t that bright, but the sudden change from pitch blackness to white LED was enough to blind my vision and make me almost fall over. After a second or two, my eyes adjusted to my surroundings, and I could see the outline of a man and a woman standing on the porch.
“Is that … Jacob Ralston and his pals?” Elmer’s voice called out into the night.
“Oh, what a pleasant surprise!” Betty exclaimed. “Don’t just stand there in the cold, come on in!”
When the group got a little bit closer, I could see the old couple clearly. Betty was wearing a ratty nightgown made of cotton with a yellow color that had faded from years and years of use. Meanwhile, Elmer was dressed in a white undershirt and a pair of denim overalls that looked like they had been thrown on at the last minute.
“Sorry to intrude,” I apologized, “but we were in the area, and we wanted to swing by and talk to you guys.”
Betty walked over and put a frail hand on my shoulder lovingly. “You’re not intruding on anything, my boy,” she explained. “You saved our lives and fixed our home, Jacob. You could stop by at two in the morning, and Elmer and I would be happy to see you.”
“Ladies,” Elmer said as he stepped to the side and extended his arm for the succubi to pass. “It’s good to see you all again. Where’s Todd? I woulda figured he’d be along for the ride.”
The imp walked over to the old man and tugged gently at the leg of his overalls. “What’s up, Doc?” He snickered, and Elmer looked like he was about to swallow his tongue.
“Oh--oh!” Elmer gasped. “I musta forgot you were a little devil. I just remember the hippie hair, if I’m being honest.”
“That was the old Toddster,” the imp said as he puffed out his chest. “This is the twenty-first century, and I’m gonna be the me I wanna be. If that’s okay with your rural views, of course.”
“Of--of course!” the old man retorted awkwardly. “Demon or not, we love ya just the same, buddy. In fact, some of my grandsons’ best friends are--”
Todd doubled over in laughter. “I’m just messing with you, bro,” he guffawed. “It’s good to see ya, Mr. Fudd.” With that, the imp dashed into the farmhouse, right behind the three succubi.
Elmer shook his head after Todd, let out a sigh, and extended his hand out to me.
“It’s good to see you again, son,” he admitted as we shook hands. “We were startin’ to wonder if y’all were ever gonna come back.”
“I wish we could have come under better circumstances,” I sighed, “but we need access to your property again.”
“What, is there another demon tryin’ to take it?” Elmer asked with worry in his voice.
“No, no,” I reassured the old farmer. “We’re actually the ones who need it. It’s a long story, actually.”
Elmer slapped me jubilantly on the back. “No story’s too long when yer telling it over a piece of Betty’s pie and some ice cream,” he implored. “Let’s go inside, and you can tell us all ‘bout it.”
“That sounds amazing.” I grinned at the farmer, and then I followed him into the farmhouse.
Chapter 6
“So, you guys are actually wantin’ to go to Hell?” Elmer gasped when we explained why we had driven all this way. “I woulda thought that’d be the last thing you’d want to do after all those monsters attacked you here.”
“Trust me, Elmer,” I nodded and took a sip from my cup of coffee, “it’s not very high on my list. But it’s something we have to do.”
“Our final sister, Invidia, is trapped down there,” Libidine explained. “This is the only way we can save her and free ourselves of our old master once and for all.”
“Old master?” Elmer scoffed. “I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that Hell still goes by those old rules. My great grandpappy fought for the union in the Civil War, and I bet he’d have something to say about these ornery cusses!”
“Elmer, are you telling Civil War stories again?” Betty’s voice asked from the kitchen.
“No, dear,” he hollered back and then turned to the four of us. “Betty doesn’t like it when I get goin’ about the Civil War. I can get really into it, and she says she’s worried my heart’s gonna give out or somethin’.”
“Awww,” Liby giggled. “She’s just worried about you.”
“I, for one, would love to hear more about this Earth Realm Civil War,” Cupi said with fascination in her voice. “Was it a massive affair? Did it end with half of the world’s population decimated? Were there lots of betrayals and backstabbings?”
“There sure as Hell were!” Elmer said with a grin. “Wait’ll after dinner, and I’ll show you guys my DVD collection. I think I’ve got just about every Civil War documentary that’s ever been aired on public television.”
“That sounds lovely,” Sia lied obviously. “So do we have permission to use the Porta ad Inferos, then?”
“Permission?” Elmer scoffed. “You guys don’t need my permission to use that thing. Yer welcome to use anything on this property without question!”
“Actually, we do,” the madame corrected the old man. “It states quite clearly in Todd’s spell book that one cannot enter through a portal of Hell without direct permission from its owner.”
“Come on, Strawberry Shortcake,” Todd whispered to the succubus. “Quit being such a downer.”
“I’m not ‘being a downer,’ Todd,” Sia shot back. “This mission is easily the most dangerous one we’ve ever been on. If we don’t stick one-hundred percent to the plan that’s laid out in the spellbook, we could find ourselves trapped in the Lake of Fire for all eternity.”
“Wow … ” Elmer muttered. “If that’s the case, then yes, y’all have my permission to use the Portal ads Enforceres.”
“Porta ad Inferos,” Sia corrected.
“Sia’s just worried,” I whispered to Todd. “And tired. And stressed. I don’t blame her for being short. I’m sure once she gets a little food in her and gets a good night’s sleep, she’ll be good as new.”
Todd’s mouth fell open, and he tugged at my shirt and pointed in the direction of the kitchen. “Broooo,” he mused. “I think I’ve died and gone to Heaven.”
I turned around in my chair and saw what Todd was referring to. Betty was walking into the dining room from the kitchen with a large, steaming object in her hand. When she got closer to the table, the succulent aroma hit my nostrils, and I realized what she was carrying.
It was a freshly-made blueberry pie.
Even though we had already eaten dinner a few hours ago, my stomach growled intensely when I saw the delicious dessert the old woman had in her hands.
Betty waltzed over to the dinner table and placed the pie down right at its center. “Dig in, dears,” she said warmly. “I’ll go grab the ice cream.”
Without even a moment’s hesitation, Todd snatched up the knife beside his plate and cut into the pie. He pulled off a piece about as large as his head, and then he licked his lips as he plopped it down on his plate.
“That wasn’t very geometric.” Sia sighed. “Shouldn’t we all get an equal share?”
Todd looked up at the succubus, his mouth now full of blueberry pie, and shook his head. “First come, first served,” he scoffed. “Last time I checked, we lived in the United States of America. We don’t do that commie shit here, bro.”
“I like this devil,” Elmer chuckled.
Meanwhile, Sia was staring directly at the pie, internally calculating how she would divvy up the rest equally. Then, she grabbed the knife that rested on her napkin and carved the remaining portions of the dessert into six decently-sized portions. The petite redhead picked up her own piece and set it down gently on her plate before she passed the pie around for everyone else to enjoy.
When the dessert finally got around to me, my mouth was watering like no other. The fruity, sugary smell of the pie filled my nostrils, and a bit of drool nearly slipped out of my mouth when I lifted it up and saw the filling spill out from inside its crispy crust. Once the slice was on my plate, I couldn’t help but marvel at it. The thing was stuffed to the gills with a gooey, dark blue filling, and its crust was toasted to golden-brown perfection.
I wanted to devour this whole thing right then and there, but it was still missing its finishing touch.
“Who wants some ice cream?” Betty asked as she reappeared with a carton of vanilla ice cream in one hand and a silver scoop in the other.
“Wait, that was an option?” Todd gasped as he looked down at his half-eaten slice of pie. “Why didn’t anyone tell me this?”
“What part of ‘I’ll go grab the ice cream’ didn’t you get?” Cupi chuckled.
“I was totally zoning out,” the imp retorted proudly. “I was too busy thinking about all the sexy women who will want a piece of the Toddster once I free ‘em from eternal damnation.”
Betty went around and plopped two scoops of vanilla directly on top of our slices of pie. The blueberry dessert was still pretty fresh, so its warmth melted the bottom of the scoops and turned the entire dish into a mixture of buttery, fruity decadence.
I couldn’t wait any longer. I cut into the pie, picked up a large chunk, and shoved it in my mouth. The second it touched my tongue, my mouth was filled with the combined flavors of buttery dough, sweet fruit, and vanilla. The crust of the slice was crunchy, but it was so warm it nearly melted on my taste buds. Together the cool, milky sensation of the ice cream and the warm gooey filling made me feel like my mouth had been transported to Heaven on Earth.
“This is incredible,” I said aloud and raised my fork to point at Betty. “My compliments to the chef.”
The elderly woman put her hand over her mouth and blushed slightly. “It’s nothing, dear,” she giggled. “Honest, I just whipped that together at the last minute.”
“This was last minute?” Libidine asked in awe. “If this is something you threw together on a whim, I’d love to see what you could do if you actually had time to prepare!”
“It’s a shame I didn’t.” Betty grinned. “I’m sure you all would have been over the moon for my sugar cream pie. I know it’s Elmer’s favorite.”
I glanced over at Todd and saw a wide, devilish grin spread across his face. He waggled his eyebrows at me suggestively, and I knew exactly what was fluttering through his mind. I just hoped he was going to keep it to himself.
“Oh … ” Libidine responded. “We like you too, Betty, but that’s something the three of us save specifically for Jacob.”
Elmer and Betty looked at the succubus with confusion on their faces. Meanwhile, Liby’s comment made me nearly choke on my pie, and Todd was roaring with laughter.
After a moment of stunned silence, Superbia leaned over to Libidine and whispered something in her ear. As her madame spoke, the dark-haired succubus’ face contorted into a look of surprise. Then a deep red color flushed Liby’s cheeks, and her eyes looked toward the ground with embarrassment.
