Release: Symbols of Love, page 28
She pauses and I feel her looking at me. I can’t meet her eyes.
“We’re all human. We all need love, affection, attention.” She says, the scorn back in her voice. “George cheats on me. Constantly. He always has.”
My eyes come to her then. She’s hunched over, her hands wrapped around her waist, her head hanging low. She looks broken and there’s flicker of pain in my own chest as I watch her rock back and forth. But I don’t respond. I’ve always thought George was an asshole. He inherited an estate from his uncle that was barely able maintain any of its livings. The money that Freya brought to the marriage allowed him to pay off all of its debts and sell it.
“I didn’t know he was unfaithful, but I could see that he wasn’t focused on your happiness as much as he was on his own.” I say.
There is a hollowness, an iciness that I’d never heard in her voice before. “I loved him.”
She turns around to face me and her expression is grim. “I loved him so much, Harry. I knew he wanted my money, but I also thought he wanted me. When I realized I would never be enough, when he told me he’d never let me divorce him, I sought out my own happiness. Then, I found that it’s what everyone did. And so when I heard about Zara and William, I was shocked at how angry I was. But I felt like a hypocrite. And Harry,” She rushes toward me, kneeling down and grasping my hands. “I didn’t think you’d care.” The last word is a wail and I try to free my hands. She only clings tighter “I could see you didn’t love Zara. I could see you were just going through the motions with her and thought if you knew it might hurt you, but that you would still marry her. But when she died, and you were so heartbroken, so angry, I knew I’d been wrong. But I didn’t know how to tell you that I’d known. I’m just so sorry.” Her tears are flowing freely. Her nose red and running, her eyes closed in anguish as she sobs at my feet.
I’m angrier than I could have imagined I could ever be at my twin. But seeing her like this, tempers some of my anger. I pull her off her knees and bring us both to standing. I wrap my arms around her and hold her against me as she sobs. After a minute, she pulls in a shuddering breath and steps out of my hold. I’m relieved for the distance because we still need to talk about what happened tonight.
“Camille came to my house today. She’d found Lilly’s phone —”
“Where did she find it?” I demand. Her eyes come to me and widen just slightly, before she looks away, “I didn’t… ask.” She says.
“You were just so excited by the dirt she handed you that you thought, “Details be damned.”
She lifts her chin, the first sign of defensiveness she’s shown. “I just wanted to get here as fast I could. Harry. She’s lied so much.” She says, her disdain for Lilly back and my spine straightens. Her eyes widen when I narrow mine at her, a warning.
“But, Harry.” Her voice is high pitched when she says “She had a baby and she didn’t tell anyone. She didn’t tell you.”
I gape at her, the callousness she’s exhibiting completely blindsiding me.
“She was raped. She gave the baby up for adoption. She’s fucking grieving, Freya.” I shout. “You couldn’t even tell me that my fiancé was fucking my best friend.” She looks down at her shoes. “Tell me. Would you have found the courage to tell anyone if what happened to her, happened to you?”
She starts to respond right away and I stop her.
“You need to be very, very careful. Think before you speak because if you insult Lilly, if you even say her name in a tone I don’t like, I’ll stop listening.” I warn her. My voice low and shot with steel.
She looks at me and this time, it’s horror and realization that leech the color from her face. Her hand comes up to her mouth and she covers them in shock. We stare at each other a little before she puts her hands down.
“You love her.” She, her eyes wide with wonder and regret.
“Yes, I love her. Very much.” This is the first time I’ve even considered that love was what I was feeling for Lilly. My brain and my heart aren’t on the best of terms with each other.
I’ve nurtured my brain, my thoughts and education - but at the expense of my heart. I’ve been thinking of Lilly academically. That she’s beautiful, has a great sense of humor, is very brilliant and in so many ways is incapable of being dishonest. I know it sounds crazy to say that, after all of the ways she’s intentionally mislead me. But, those were acts of self-defense. I know that now. But her first instinct is always the most honest one. Lying, pretending, those things have a taken on a toll on her. It’s not who she is. I know that and I have for a long time.
But now I’m struck with the realization that I hadn’t let myself think of the way she makes me feel. How thinking at all, when she’s near me, is impossible. That every time her name crosses mine, my fucking heart gives a little jump for joy. Even in the months we spent apart. When I was trying hard to make myself hate and forget her.
Every time I thought about her, my heart skipped a beat and for a full second, I felt this amazing, unadulterated pang of joy. But that was quickly crushed by my mind taking over and telling me that she was a liar and I was better off not knowing how to reach her. I told Freya nothing but terrible things about Lilly. That she was rude, that she was reckless and didn’t take her malaria tablets. That she was selfish and ditched her cousin to spend time with me instead. Clearly, she was also disloyal, I’d said. None of it had worked.
My heart wouldn’t have let my brain win. And that even if she hadn’t come to this wedding and presented me with the most amazing, undeserved second chance in the history of second chances, I would have eventually gotten my head out of my ass and gone looking for her. Even if I had to walk door to door in Miami, I would have found her again. Because she’s my “once in a lifetime” person. The one that, if you’re brave enough, good enough and have a little luck on your side when your paths cross, you might just get to keep. I hadn’t known that she was love’s version of a moonshot until she was gone.
She’s made me want more from life than I thought I could have and she made everything more colorful and interesting. And to top it all off, she’s a bombshell whose magical pussy feels like its lined with ecstasy.
Making love to her is spectacular. When I’m inside of her and she’s clinging to me like letting go meant she’d fall off the edge of the earth I feel like the luckiest man in the world.
My brain has finally caught up with my heart. So, when I’m asked if I love her, every single part of me knows the answer.
“Oh, Harry.” Freya’s voice is anguished. She is beyond consoling and she wails, “I’m so sorry. I’ve been so single minded. And miserable. I thought fixing you up with Camille would be a good thing. I mean, she’s familiar. She’s also too worried about appearances to do anything as uncouth as have an affair. I just wanted you to be with someone who couldn’t hurt you the way Zara had. And after everything you told me about Lilly. You can still have her, but Harry…you can’t marry her. She wouldn’t be accepted. You would be a laughing stock. She’s too old. Her parentage is not European, not even a little.”
With every word, I’ve felt my anger ratchet up. She clears her throat.
“Well, besides all of that, I just thought…” she trails of and then straightening her shoulders and looking me fully in the eye, she says “I thought she was going to break your heart. I didn’t like her and I could see that you were starting to fall back under her spell. The way you watched her even when Camille was sitting right to you…I just knew that I needed to find a way to stop it. I didn’t know how to. There was nothing and I’ve spent the last two weeks fretting as I’ve watched you become completely besotted. So, when Camille brought me what she found, I didn’t think before I rushed over to expose her. Oh, God. I’ll never forgive myself for what I’ve just done. I thought she had some secret baby. How could I have known what she’d been through?”
My heart stings with the memory of Lilly’s heartbreak when Freya confronted her. She’d been enraged, despondent, scared. All at once.
The first pang of fear strikes me. I walked out of the room. I was just so fucking angry at Freya and needed to confront her right away, that I hadn’t thought about what my walking out would look like. I look back at my sister, and sigh.
“What you did back there, you’ve ripped a hole in a lot of people’s lives, Freya.” I say. She hangs her head. I’m not going to sugar coat any of this for her. “You’re owe a lot of people apologies and you need to spend some time thinking about your own life. But right now, I need to get back to Lilly. Freya, I love you. I always will. But you’ve got see how what you did, what you told me about Zara, how all of that changes things between us.”
“But Harry.” She wails and starts to sob again.
“You’re my sister. I know that we don’t have a choice but to get past this. But it’s going to take some time and lots of work. And it’s going to take Lilly forgiving you, too. Because I can tell you this. If she’ll have me, I don’t care what she’s done or where she’s from - I intend to build a life with her. So, you’re going to have to get things right with her, too.” She nods, but doesn’t stop crying.
I step away, my sole desire is to get to Lilly. To be there because she needs me and to answer my own questions.
I rush back down the hall. I open the door to the living room and find it deserted. I run up the stairs and in a few minutes, I’m standing outside her door. My heart is racing, not from the dash up the stairs, but from fear. I don’t know what I’m going to if I can’t talk to her tonight.
I gather my courage and then knock.
She opens it almost immediately. Her hair is scraped up into a haphazard pile on her head. Her eyes are red rimmed and her nose red.
“Harry. Oh my God…I’m so sorry. I was going to tell you. I swear. I…”
“I’m glad to know that.” I say quietly. I don’t take my eyes from hers. I don’t know how I feel about her keeping it from me. Of course, I wish she’d told me but from what she said when everything was crazy in the living room, she hadn’t planned on telling anyone. Ever. She felt entitled to keep it to herself. She didn’t feel like it was something she owed anyone.
What I feel is pain. Knowing that she’s hurting so deeply, hurts me. That she lives with a sorrow I’ll never be able to sooth, it burns. That it was my sister who caused this new wound, is like a knife in the heart. But at least I know that this is one I can help heal. If she’ll let me.
She steps aside and says, “Come in.” I enter the sitting area of her suite and turn to face her and place my hands on her shoulders. When she doesn’t flinch or move away, I take it as a good sign.
“First, I need you to know that I’m so sorry that Freya did that. It doesn’t matter what her intentions were, it was cruel and wrong. And she knows that now.”
Her lip curls in disdain, and then she squeezes her lips together and takes a deep breath.
“Does she? Her intentions seemed very clear to me, Harry.” She says, her voice strong, without a single quaver in it. Her eyes flash with anger. I don’t blame her.
“I know. And I’m not saying anything other than, I’m sorry that she behaved in such a callous way. I’m so sorry you were hurt.” I extend my hand to cup her cheek and the words she was about to speak seem to die on her lips. Her eyes soften and glisten.
“You’re sorry I was hurt?” She smiles sadly, her beautiful golden eyes scan my entire face. As if she’s trying to memorize it. As if she’s planning on not seeing it again for a long time.
I tense.
“You’re not sorry you ever met me? You don’t think I’m a liar? You ‘re not disgusted that I hid a pregnancy from my family and then gave my daughter away? And you’re not horrified that I spend my entire life acting as if she doesn’t exist?”
Her eyes dry as she speaks, the gold that’s usually shimmering, dulls. She radiates grief. She’s already mourning what she assumes will be the end of our relationship.
“Lilly. I don’t think you’re a liar. Nothing about you horrifies or disgusts me. If I hadn’t met you, I wouldn’t have ever known the powerful connection that a person can only have with their soul mate.” I whisper.
Her face crumbles and she steps out of my reach. My palm falls from her face, but my entire hand tingles. My hand can still feel the soft press of her cheek. I look at her and say, “Lilly, I love you.”
Her entire body starts to tremble and step forward to grab her when she looks like she’s starting to sway.
As soon as I arm goes around her waist, she sags into me.
And then, in the smallest voice she says “Harry. There’s more. I have more to tell you.”
33
Lilly
I close my eyes, and try to steady my heart’s rapid beating. He tenses when I say it and I know I have to just get it all out now.
“I hacked into the adoption agencies records a months ago. I found the information of the adoptive family.” I cringe in preparation for the blow that I know is coming. But I press forward. “I found the mother on FindMe and created a fake account when I found out she’s a really avid reader and joined a few book groups she’s in on the site.
We friended each other. We’re just friendly. We chat about books I’m reading a couple of the same books.” I look at him, my eyes beg him to say understand. “I got to see her Halloween costumes, her Christmas pictures, her birthday parties.” I explain, willing him to see. My heart can’t help but lighten at the mention of those things.
Harry’s arm around me loosens and I’m reminded where I am, and remember how terrible everything is.
“Lilly…oh my God.” He mutters against my head and I pull back.
“I know. I only wanted to, maybe, see pictures. But now, she’s given me so much, Harry. Every week I decide I’m going to stop. Close the account and just walk away. But I can’t.”
He blinks at me, shock all over his face, but he doesn’t speak. My heart plummets to my toes, but I also don’t say anything. We just stare at each other, my heart pounds in trepidation.
“Lilly.” Harry says finally, shaking his head, not looking at me.
“Where’s your family? You can’t possibly be done talking.” He says and it’s like he didn’t hear anything I said.
“Ummm…” I say slowly, confused by his change in subject. “We agreed to talk tomorrow. Everyone needed time to think. Including me and I was hoping you’d come so that I could tell you everything.” I say, putting emphasis on the last word, hoping he would react to what I’d just told him.
“I don’t know what to say. I don’t understand how to help you, Lil.” He says just as slowly, choosing each word carefully. I’m too afraid to respond
But Harry’s not done. And as he speaks, his voice is devoid of emotion, completely practical. “Give me a moment, I need to think.”
He sits down on the chair behind him and puts his head in his hands. I stare at him and minutes go by. He mutters to himself, pulls his hair and I just watch.
Finally, he looks up at me. His red rimmed and tired.
“You have to stop.” His voice is heavy, nearly clogged with emotion as he looks at me, his eyes sadder than I’ve ever seen. His jaw, is covered in days’ worth of beard and I can see how tired he is, it’s etched all over his face.
“At some point, it won’t be enough to just see videos and pictures. And unless she comes looking for you, you can’t have more. Not unless you’re willing to break more laws.” He says raising one of his heavy, long brows. I flinch because I know that breaking into the agency’s records was a criminal act.
“You have to stop.” He says, urgently, fretfully. “It kills me to say it, Lilly because I know that it’s going to hurt you terribly, to stop. But I’m saying it anyway because I can’t be dishonest with you, Lilly, even if the truth hurts. You’ve got to start trying to be honest too, Lilly.” I flinch at that.
“Harry I’ve been honest about everything. I didn’t tell you things because I wasn’t ready to, not because I planned on never telling you or because I was trying to deceive you.” I grab his hands when he doesn’t look at me. He glances down at our hands, but he won’t meet my eye and icy dread fills my heart.
“But, this, Lil. It isn’t okay. And until you do it, you’ll never be able to let any of this go.” He tightens his hold on me again, pulls me into him and nestles my face in his throat. I inhale the scent of Harry, savor the stubble under his jaw, chafes on my forehead. “We can’t start building a life together until you do.” He says firmly, and I feel the words as the vibrate in his throat.
I don’t move, I just shake my head. I can’t stop. I had prepared for a few things tonight. After everything was ruined.
I thought once he knew the truth, all of it, he’d be done with me. I didn’t imagine that he’d tell me there was a “we” to do anything with. So, it hadn’t occurred to me that I’d have to think about stopping. I’d been preparing myself to lose him and then hang on to the one thing that’s always going to be mine.
“No, I can’t.” I say, resolutely. He sets me away from him, and looks me in the eyes, his own clear and completely focused on me with an intensity that scares me.
“Lilly. I want to be with you. Do you want to be with me?” He asks and everything freezes. I know what he’s really saying. He’s saying that if I want to be with him, I have to let this go. I have to stop what I’m doing.
So, I answer the real question, with all of the honesty I can muster and even though I know it’s going to break everything inside of me, it’s the truth as I know it. “Not as badly as I want to know my daughter.” I say.
His rears back as if I’d slapped him. His eyes widen with surprises which rapidly turns to anger and, then some sort of understanding dawns. His posture — a loose hipped stance that had felt welcoming and safe immediately changes into something more challenging, like he’s preparing to fight. He plants his feet, crosses arms and narrows his eye at me.
