Release: Symbols of Love, page 19
My eyes land on Simon's brother Kyle, who was the other single person at the table and we rolled our eyes at each other. He grins at me.
"We'll have to keep each other company, I guess."
"Sounds like a plan."
"As long you're not going to force me to look at make up with you on that site that should be called Suffering instead of Sephora, like Addie does, we'll get along just fine."
I laugh out loud at that and my parents and my sisters all turned to look at me, their expression ranging from mild surprise to suspicion.
"What?"
"You never laugh that hard,” Addie pipes up.
"How would you know? I see you twice a year. And maybe you're just not as funny as Kyle." I shoot back.
She rolled her eyes and turned back to Simon. Milly was about to say something when Anthony screams that he has to go to the bathroom and is too scared to go alone.
"I'll be back," she says wearily as she gets up to take him.
My mother turned back to talk to my father, but his eyes linger on me. A deep sadness in them that was different from the warm happiness that had been there a few minutes ago. I hate that I put that look in his eyes.
"I'm fine." I mouthed to him and then he turns away too.
We had all just been clearing up when Jan comes in. “Hope lunch was to your liking.” She’s speaking to the whole room, but I can see a sly smile on her face as her eyes linger on my empty, crumb laden plate. Everyone responds affirmatively, raving about the meal.
Then she looks at me and says. "Come to the kitchen at five o'clock, an hour or so before you all leave for dinner tonight, I'll show you around and you can make me that mojito."
"You're making mojitos?" Addie asks with a cheerful smile on her face. "And you didn't invite me?"
"Or me?" Milly adds.
"I didn't invite anyone, you two. But you're invited now."
"You girls don't go getting drunk." My mother warns.
I share a smile with my sisters at our mother's words. She doesn't drink at all and has always thought that we drank more than we should. Even if it was just a glass of wine with dinner. I cross my eyes at them and they both burst out laughing. I've missed them.
"Laugh all you want. Just remember you've still got to join us for dinner and everyone will be there. Don't embarrass yourselves." My mother says primly.
"Mary, they're on vacation. Let them have a little fun. Maybe you should join them. A little rum never hurt anyone." My father said in his good-natured way.
"I don't need rum to have fun. And you've never complained about me being fun before, Omar."
"Oh, pet. I wasn't complaining. Come, let's go for a walk." And he presses a kiss to her cheek.
"Let's all go. I need some fresh air and l want to explore a little." This from Dean. Everyone seems to be in agreement. But all I can think is that if I go out there, I might run into Harry and I'd rather set my hair on fire than deal with that right now.
"I've got to get some emails out, so I'll just see you guys later. Let's meet in the foyer right before five?" I said to my sisters and then I hustled out of the room before anyone can object.
We're on our second round of mojitos and I'm beginning to question the wisdom in drinking so much. Addie and Jan are laughing at absolutely everything. Milly's not drinking. I am but clearly have a higher tolerance than those two because I feel a nice buzz, a slight loosening in my inhibitions but not the euphoria that seems to have overwhelmed Jan and Addie.
"This is delicious." Jan sings as she takes another long sip.
"Mmmm, I know. I love them. I haven't had one in a while. I needed something nice and stiff today." Addie says and then laughs like a loon.
"Adelaide, that's probably enough mojitos for you." Milly gives her a disapproving frown and she plucks that drink out of Addie's hand.
Addie pouts, “Milly, you should have a sip. You look like you could use one. What's wrong with you? You look tired as fuck."
"Addie, shut up. Milly looks fine. And she's right, you've had enough. You're not exactly known for holding your liquor well. And we have to go to dinner." I say and I start cleaning up. I give Milly a side long glance. She does look tired, but I know it's because she's pregnant. She hasn't brought it up so I'm assuming she doesn't want to talk to about it.
"Well, not all of us can have the tolerance of a fucking sailor, Lillian. You're barely buzzed." She says cattily, but I ignore her because she’s right.
Jan grabs the knife and cutting board I'm washing and says, "That's what the dishwasher's for, love. Go sit." She lowers her voice and gives me a meaningful look. “You look a little tired yourself." I don't protest. I'm tired. It's been a long day and the worst is yet to come.
I take a long cool sip of the refreshing drink that I may have put a little too much rum into.
I sigh and lean back on the long marble island we've been sitting at all evening. I stare up at the ceiling and reminisce. "I miss Miami." The alcohol has loosened my lips.
"It's got the most incredible energy. I moved there for work at first, but I stayed even when I started my business because it had become home. Now…I just. I loved living there and now it's just..."
"Just what?" Milly asks, leaning on the counter, her chin resting in the palm of her hand.
"I don't know." I run my hands through my hair and sit, “It's not enough anymore."
"Ah, your voice has got the sound of a woman who's got a man on her mind." Jan says as she joins us back at the counter.
My eyes slide over to hers, the alcohol has made me deliciously relaxed and I feel at ease with her. I quirk my eyebrow in response.
"So, tell me, are Cuban men as delicious as their food and drinks?" She says with a lewd grin and a wink in my direction.
“Oh, yeah…” I drawl suggestively. “But I think the food and drinks are better.” We all laugh at that.
“You sampling quite a bit, then?” Jan asks with a waggle of her brow.
“No—”I start to say and Addie cuts me off.
"She's just reverting to type. When we were girls, Lilly always had a boy on her mind." She takes a long sip of her drink.
"I did not." I snap at her.
"You do so. Milly, back me up here.” She looks over at Milly who’s attention is on her phone.
She answers absently, “Lilly always had a boyfriend and if she didn't, she had a crush. She had posters of these idiotic boy bands all over her walls."
I snort a laugh at that. I did. "Who didn't? Except for you two?"
"We did, just not to the extent you did." Addie walks over and hops onto the stool next to mine. She slings her arm around my neck and presses her face sloppily next to mine.
"Lilly was fast when we were in high school. She had a nickname, didn't you Lilly?” She slurs her words, teasing me.
My hands start to shake, and my blood feels ice cold in my veins. I put my glass down.
"Addie, shut up." I say with a laugh in my voice that is forced I almost choke on it.
But Addie's mojitos have erased any hope of restraint winning the day and she says "Oh, come on, Lil. You were such a sluuuuuuut.” She draws this word out, her eyes closed a huge, drunk grin on her pretty face. “Mmmm…What was it? Milly you remember." She snaps the fingers on the hand around my neck, her fingers flicking my chin. I shove her with my elbow. “Get off.”
"Licky,” Milly supplies flippantly. My eyes fly to her before I can stop them. She doesn’t look up from her phone and misses my horrified gaze. His, “they won’t believe you.” My stomach heaves and my eyes burn as shame and revulsion course through me.
"Oh my God, yes!" Addie howls. "She sucked dick like they were lollipops. She even had a tutorial she wrote up for her friends that was passed around." Addie's eyes close with delight, she laughs and claps at my expense.
Sorrow fuels the tears that press the edges of my eyes and it takes herculean strength to blink them away and face my sister with what she expects. I laugh.
"Whatever, Addie. That was years ago. And I wasn't a slut, I just wasn't a prude." I bargain with my composure, begging it not to fail me. I pray for Addie to sense my despair and stop. She doesn’t.
"Understatement of the year. She was the most popular girl in her high school. She was still a legend when I got started there four years after she graduated," she says with a chuckle.
Breathing feels impossible; my heart aches.
"Girls, Dean needs help with something upstairs," Milly says suddenly, looking up from her phone. She looks between us and when her eyes land on me, she frowns. "Lilly, are you okay?" she asks, concern lacing her voice.
Addie peers at me, her eyes glazed with inebriation, her smile unfettered.
"She's fine,” she answers before I can say a word. That seems to appease Milly, who looks back to her phone and starts texting.
“Yes, I love having my past sexual behavior, laughed at dissected,” I say dryly.
“Oh, Lilly, we were just kidding. Lighten up, ” Addie admonishes. She hops down from her stool, looks out of the window into the dark. It’s only late afternoon but the sun has already waned.
“If you're going up, I'll go with you. I need take a shower before dinner. Simon made me sweat before I came down, " she giggles while she takes a final sip of her drink. She grabs Milly's arm to pull her out of the kitchen.
"See you at dinner!" Milly calls over her shoulder as she lets herself be lead away.
"Are you alright, love?"
I jump. I'd forgotten Jan was there. Again.
"This is becoming a pattern. And, yes," I lie.
"You didn't take kindly to your sister's teasing,” she says softly. Her voice is full of knowing and comfort.
I swallow a ball of tears in my throat and look down at my hands that are still clutching the edge of the counter.
"No. I didn't." The truth slips so easily from my lips. And the knot in my chest loosens at my admission. Relief at being able to admit it coursing through me.
"And they didn't seem to notice," she says curiously. A soothing hand comes to rest in the center of my back, and I realize that she walked around the counter and I didn't even notice.
"I used to laugh with them. I've changed. But I'm pretending I haven't," I admit, surprised at myself. She's so easy to talk to. Just like Harry was. His name wraps around me like an invisible lasso, squeezing me so hard it hurts. Tears slide down my cheeks.
"Oh, love." She wraps an arm around my shoulder. "Why are you pretending? They love you. They'd understand. You should tell them."
I look sideways at her. Her warm face is full of empathy and kindness as she smiles gently at me.
"How do you know? You’ve just met me," I whisper.
"I don't have any children of my own. But, I raised the three that grew up in this house. I braided hair, kissed scraped knees, and soothed broken hearts.” She looks down at her hands and while rubbing her fingers absently, a small fond smile appears on her lips. “Their parents love them, you see, but being Lord and Lady Carlisle means that they don't just belong to their children. Especially when they lived in this house. Travel, events, parties and such took them away a lot. So, I paid close attention to their children.” Her hand covers mine. “I know pain when I see it. I saw you when you were getting off of the train. I saw your face before you smiled at us."
I wipe away the tear that’s trickling down my nose. “Why don't they see it?" I ask her, mournful. She moves to sit right next to me and puts an arm around me. She presses a kiss to my temple. I don’t know if it’s the alcohol or her, but I feel so safe with her.
"They can't, pet. They're all a little preoccupied at the moment, I think. And you do a very good job of disguising your feelings. You should just talk to them. Tell them what’s wrong." She urges me softly.
"I know." I acknowledge. “I don't think they’d be able to handle the truth. It would change everything."
"Well, clearly, it already has, darlin’," she says. She gives my hand one more squeeze before letting go. I already want her to hold me again. "Think about it. You have this whole week with them. Your mother said it's the longest time you all have been together in more than fifteen years. Who knows how you might feel in a few days?"
"I don't know," I protest weakly.
"Just open yourself to it. And give them a chance to be there for you."
I nod, but know that I don't have the courage to tell them anything.
The kitchen door flings open just then and we both jump and turn around.
"Jan, I'm starving..." Harry' s deep, resonant voice ripples over me and I let myself savor the familiar thrill his voice always inspires before I look at him. He stops speaking when he sees me.
The blood drains from my face as I watch his smile evaporate and his eyes turn flat and cold. I stare at him, unable to look away. The end of his nose is red, chafed by the cold and his hair is a mass of unruly curls on top of his head. His mouth is closing over his beautiful teeth, with those slightly longer than average canines, the last to disappear.
"What in the world is going on here?" Jan says incredulously and I turn to look at her. She's pointing between the two of us looking at us, her gaze stern, her eyes wide, her eyes brows so high they disappear into the creases on her forehead.
"Nothing,” I say looking back at Harry, his expression unchanged and hard. “I've got to go get ready for dinner."
And then, I run for my life.
21
Harry
"Tonight is lovely, wasn't it?" Camille whispers from the chair next to mine.
Lovely is not how I'd describe this clusterfuck, so I don’t say anything.
“I have a photogenic memory, I know I've seen you before," Camille shouts across the table to Addie.
I stifle my sigh. This is the third time she’s said this. It has made dinner at best, awkward. Addie puts her fork and knife down and looks Camille in the eyes with barely masked annoyance.
"Maybe. I live in London. Maybe you just saw me in passing," she’d said. Her shoulders were slightly hunched in discomfort, but a smile played on her lips at Camille's use of the word photogenic instead of photographic. Everyone at the table, except Freya, was trying not to laugh.
"No, I loathe London. I only go when forced. Where in London do you live?" she asks. Her tone was imperious, turning her question into a demand as she addressed Milly.
"I don't live in London," Milly returns quietly and hooks her thumb at Addie, “she does.”
"Oh, so sorry. It's so hard to keep all the details straight," Camille says, not sounding the least bit apologetic. "I've lived in Coventry my whole life, and our circle of friends is small - mainly the landed families in the area - I'm not used meeting such exotic women." You’d think she was saying she was the queen of England by the imperious tone in her voice.
"They are rather exotic, aren't they? Like beautiful blooms in a sea of stones. They always stand out,” their father says, grinning at his three daughters.
"Yes. Quite!" My mother says enthusiastically. "Your daughters are lovely. They're going to cause quite a stir this week."
"Oh, will there be lots of eligible men here?" their mother asks excitedly. "Lilly's single, it would be wonderful if she could meet someone this weekend."
"Mom." Lilly's voice is pleading and quiet. It stirs a pang of sympathy I don't want to feel in my gut.
"Will you all stop talking about us like we're not here?" Milly says. A smile appears on her lips, but her eyes are quite serious when they rest on her mother.
"You can join in the conversation, no one's stopping you," their mother says, not the least bit chagrinned at Milly's rebuke.
"I'll join in by changing the subject," Milly says. My mother claps her hands together excitedly and I see Lilly’s shoulders drop in relief. My anger spikes.
"Are you single, Lilly?" I ask. The entire table stops to stare at me. I immediately regret my outburst when I see her head drop and her eyes slide to me, allowing me to see how pained she is by my question.
"I'm sure that's none of your business, Harry," Freya says. There’s a laugh in her voice and a twinkle in her eye that I know is completely false. She turns to look at Lilly for the first time this evening. "Ignore him Lilly. There'll be plenty of available men here at the wedding. I'm sure your dance card will be full," she says. It's only because I know Freya so well that I hear the challenge in her otherwise perfectly cordial tone.
"Yes! Dance Cards!" Cara exclaims from across the huge table we're all sharing. "We're having dance cards at the reception. I'm so excited. It's going to be like a fairy tale."
The conversation turns to the wedding details and my awkward outburst is forgotten.
It's after one in the morning when I get back to the house from taking Camille home. The library's light is burning bright and I know I'll find my father there. He used to fall asleep in his chair when we were children and still lived here.
I walk in expecting to see him with his feet up, his head resting on the winged back of his favorite chair. Instead I see her. Lilly’s head is bent of over the computer, those ridiculous headphones over her ears as she sits in my father's chair typing furiously on her keyboard. The click of her fingers on the keyboard is the only sound in the entire room. Her hair, as unrestrained as I'd ever seen it, falls forward and hides her profile from view. But her face is burned into my memory. I’d never be able to forget what she looks like, even if I desperately wanted to.
She’s dressed in dark gray flannels and her feet are encased in thick woolen socks. There’s a thick white blanket wrapped around her shoulders. The room is cold and the fire has been banked. I walk over to the fireplace and prod the logs with poker, coaxing them to reignite. The room is silent. She's stopped typing but neither of us say a word. I steel myself before I turn around.
It’s an exercise in futility. Her face, the beauty of it, the way her hair creates a wild, dark halo around it, steals my breath. Just like it has every single time I’ve looked at her.
