Release: Symbols of Love, page 25
"Would you be too afraid to ask them what was wrong?" She blinks up at me like I've splashed cold water in her eyes.
"No. I wouldn't." She says her voice contemplative. "It's been a rough couple of years for all of us. I've sort of been the one without a crisis that needed attention." Her eyes drift and lose focus as if she's recalling something.
At my incredulous scoff she looks at me again.
"Lilly. You're amazing, but I have to break it to you. You’ve been an actual crisis for a lot longer than a couple of years. Maybe they’ve had their own problems, too but that doesn’t mean they can’t be there for you. Give them a chance"
She rolls her eyes dismissively, but I see her lips fight the urge to curve upward at the corners.
"It's your turn to lean on them."
She shakes her head fast and hard. "I can't, Harry. Do you know why I was out there?" She cocks her head toward the door.
"No. But I saw you and your father arguing on the dance floor. I went to get a drink for Ca--" I feel a flush rise on my neck as I remember Camille.
She purses her lips but doesn't say anything.
"I came back to the table and you were gone. Your father was staring at the front door. I walked out and I saw you crying in the snow."
"He told me whatever happened was my fault, too. Before I even told him what it was.." She says with a twist to her lips that belies the mournful expression in her eyes. "They wouldn't understand. I can't tell them."
"You don't have to decide tonight. But maybe now that you've told me, it might be easier." I prod.
She takes a steadying breath and smiles up at me. This time it reaches all the way to her eyes. I relax the grasp my hands have on hers and run them up the soft cashmere of her sweater's sleeves. I skim her collarbone and slide my hands inside the neck of the cardigan's open front.
I drag the material off her. Exposing her skin, all bronzed and perfect. The tips of my fingers skim her lightly, and a trail of gooseflesh erupts when the air touches her. I dip my nose and inhale, and she shivers.
“You smell so good.” I want to let my lips brush her skin, but I restrain myself. I want to make sure we’re done talking before I let myself touch her the way I want to.
"You are a vision, Lilly...you're so aptly named. Beautiful, a symbol of hope, it's just... right."
She sighs, long and heavy- as if she's been holding her breath as the sweater flutters softly to the ground. It's landing is silent, but I can feel the heaviness of the effect it's having on her. "How do you feel?"
"Sensual." She says and a beautiful blush makes her bronze skin glow and she looks down. "My mind knows that there's nothing wrong with that. I know that what happened isn't my fault. But I still worry that someone will misunderstand and that it'll happen again. So I cover up. No skin showing, no one can think I’m giving off the wrong vibes. And I’m very explicit about what I want in bed. " She whispers this to the floor, her voice quiet and heavy.
"Look at me, Lilly." I keep my hands at my side as I speak. "Lilly, the only people who wouldn’t understand are people who don't know right from wrong. People who don't respect anyone, not even themselves. That has nothing to do with you and nothing you do, nothing you wear can make those people see you any differently.”
She lifts my hand in hers and brings it up and lays it in the center of her chest.
“I want you to touch me. I love the way you look at me." She whispers, a small grin on her face, and it transforms her face. She's radiant.
"How do I look at you?"
“Like I'm a treasure.” She beams at me.
"You are.” She glitters. “I want to touch you, more than I want my next heart beat.”
She puts my hand on her bare shoulder and sighs as my fingers close around her.
"I want to put my mouth here." My fingers traces circles on her skin. My heart is thumping in my chest. I've touched her before but this time, with all of those words we've spoken, feels like the first time.
She nods, her eyes hooded and lazy now as they watch me.
"Is that a yes, Lilly?"
"Yes." She rasps, "Please." That last word so soft, yet so fucking loaded.
I lay my lips on her skin, it's so hot, as soft as an apricots skin and she smells like citrus. I let my tongue dart out to taste her and the salty sweetness of her makes my body tightens as it remembers how the rest of her tastes.
Her hands come up and grab my shoulders, her fingers digging into the fabric of my tuxedo's shoulders. Her forehead lands on my shoulder and hair covers us in a sweet fragrance that I know I'll never get tired of smelling. I sink my teeth into her shoulder and her fingers move from my shoulders to my hair. She holds my head tightly in place and whimpers
"Harry, I love that so much. Your mouth on me feels so..."
The crackle and pop of fireworks break burst our bubble, as surely as pin had pricked it. Like rabbits when they hear the crack of a twig under a hunter's boot, we freeze. The burst of light that illuminate the sky and send shimmers of light pouring in through the windows of the temple seem to break the spell that froze us.
We jump apart.
"Oh, God. It's midnight." She breathes and then a smile, as beautiful as the day is long spreads across her face.
"Happy New Year, Harry." She beams at me.
"Happy New Year, Lilly. What a way to start it."
"Together." We say in unison, our hands joined as we watch the fireworks out of the window. The fireworks feel like a sign that this is a moment to celebrate. That tonight is the beginning of something real and important. We’re making a memory we’ll look back on for a long time to come. It’s an amazing feeling.
After a few minutes, she sighs, "It's almost over. You need to go back." She says as she bends down to pick up her sweater. I jolt with a start as I remember that the fireworks also signal the end of the wedding reception. I was supposed to be standing with my parents when they were set off.
"Shit! Okay. But..." I look at her helplessly. I know I need to go. It's my brother's wedding. My mother is probably out of her mind with fury that I'm not there and, Camille. I groan.
"Let's go. I'll talk to Camille tonight."
"No, oh God. No. Wait. It's late and I don't want her or Freya to come try to kill me in my sleep." She says lightly but I can see the worry in her eyes.
"Tomorrow's fine. It's the wedding breakfast and I can wait until afterwards. Everyone will be so busy, she'll hardly even notice me." I straighten my tuxedo's lapels and she slips her sweater back on and wipes at her tear stains face. I'm glad the evening is over.
"You okay?" I ask her and she looks up at me, smiling.
"I am. Thank you." She squeezes my hand and then heads for the door. I switch off the lights and follow her out.
"Tomorrow,” I say as we step out into the frigid night. The smile she shoots over her shoulder at me is like a jolt of electricity.
"Yes."
When she says that, I want to snatch her back inside, kiss that sweet mouth until neither one of us can breathe and then make love to her. I know I can't, but God, I can't wait to.
29
Harry
One Week Later
"It's because of her, isn't it?" Camille says bitterly. Her facade of being the smiling, pleasant girl next door is completely shattered. "I saw you last night, this morning. All week. All the time. Watching her. And I knew. I've been on tender hooks all day, knowing this was coming because I was going home."
I suppress a groan at her last sentence and try to focus on why we're here. "No, it's not.. just Lilly, I knew it before she came. We're just...You and I...not...we're not looking for the same things." I say finally after stumbling and trying to find the right words "I'm sorry, Camille." My tone apologetic, but resolute.
I’ve brought her to catch her train back to London. It's been the most excruciating week. Lilly asked me to wait for everyone to leave to tell her. I agreed. Camille had booked her cottage for the entire week. And maybe I was a chicken shit, but it was just one less piece of drama to deal with.
I shiver despite the heat pumping from my car's heater because the windows are down. I’ve just told her that things aren’t going to work out, and she stares at me dumbfounded before she finally responds.
"What are you looking for? I thought you were looking for a relationship,” she asks. Disappointment, frustration, annoyance all apparent in her tone.
"Then you were wrong. I wasn't looking for a relationship. Freya would like me to be in a relationship and she's overzealous about hooking me up with people, but that is not what I'm looking for." I'm speaking frankly, but I don't want to give her to blame this on Lilly.
"Oh, I see. This just an escape ghost so you can have all of the wild sex and drama that girl must come with. I thought you'd grown out of that stage, Harry." Her words drip with scorn.
I stare at her in bewilderment. "What? None of that even made any sense, Camille." I mimic her use of my name.
"Well, every man goes through that stage. But you're too old for that. You're in your thirties, you should--" she continues as if I hadn't spoken and my ire grows.
"How old are you, Camille?" I interrupt her.
"I'm twenty-nine." She says defensively as if I asked to see her bank balance.
"I'm thirty-three. We should know that about each other. We've know each other for a month, and there's so much we don't know about each other."
"Who cares?" She shrieks, tossing her head, her hair flying
I lean away from her in alarm.
"We know the important things. We both come from good families. You need a wife who will help you manage the Earldom. You need someone who knows the village and understands the people. You need someone who's going to help you set an example. Who'll bring leaderism and pride back to this seat. You're a bloody Viscount. You shouldn't be drinking in local pubs and making deliveries to the estate stores. And you certainly can't bring that...that..." She is yelling now, her hands waving, spittle flying as she sputters to find a word sufficiently base to describe Lilly.
"Don't finish that sentence." I warn her, my voice low and quiet. I unlock the car doors.
"Or what? What are you going to do, push me out?" She taunts and I feel like I've been hit in the head by a two by four. I wouldn't have believed in a million years that Camille would act like such a petulant asshole.
"Listen, maybe you had too much wine. Or maybe you're disappointed. Either way, this is done. Since you clearly don't like me very much, this should come as a relief. Get out of my car. Now." I say, staring straight ahead, unable to even look at her.
"And you're supposably a gentleman." She sneers at me, not making any signs of getting out. "I heard all about how Zara collarded you. If this is how you behaved, no wonder she went looking for better company."
All of my resolve to be decent, to let her down easily disappears at her cruel taunt.
"It's supposedly, you idiot." I say dryly, unkindly. But, I’m beyond the point of caring now. “And cuckolded. And tenterhooks, and scape goats." I recite angrily. "So, what if she cheated on me? That isn't a reflection of my character or my shortcoming. But you, God...you're a complete idiot."
Her eyes widen and she gapes at me like I've suddenly turned into a kangaroo. "And I ride with the windows down because your breath smells like a skunk died in your throat. Go to the fucking dentist." I curl my lip in disgust and she clamps a hand over her mouth and grapples for the door handle.
"You bastard." Her curse is muffled and if she wasn't so abhorrent I would laugh.
"Exactly. Get out of my car." She opens the door and starts to get down but I stop her. "One more thing, I know you're friends with my sister, so our paths are going to cross. Please practice your poker face because every time you see me, you’ll see her.
She gasps, she stares at me as she climbs down from the car. "You wouldn't. She's not one of us. You can't." Her cry is full of despair.
I reach across and grab the door handle and just before I pull it shut in her face, I say "watch me."
30
Lilly
"Oh. My. God." Addie squeals at me before she races across the bedroom to tackle hug me to the bed.
"I'm so fucking happy for you, Lilly. This is amazing. You and Harry! Yussssss!" She screams as she holds on to me. Her joy is contagious and so welcome. I was nervous about telling them about us, and I’m elated that she's elated. I was worried that they'd ask questions or be doubtful. I return her hug, enjoying this time with her so much. Simon had to go back to London a few days ago and Addie's been so clingy. I've drawn the line at her sleeping in my room. The nights are all Harry and I have had this week.
"I've been dying to tell you all week. But right after the wedding, Milly and Dean had their big news, and Camille was still here. But, I'm so glad I can talk about it now."
She pushes out of my embrace and sit up to look down at me. Her eyes wide with excitement, her grin is huge. "Ohmigod, are you going to move here? Oh, Lilly, say you're moving here. I'm desperate to have family close by. We could see each other on the weekends or whenever. The train from London is only a couple hours." She lets go of me and flops back on the bed staring at the top of ceiling of my bed's canopy. A huge smile on her face, her eyes dancing and I can practically hear her mind racing. I laugh and lay down next to her then she springs back up.
“Fucking hell, Lilly. You’re going to be a Countess.” She squeals, her eyes wide with wonder and I can see the wheels spinning in her overactive imagination.
"Woah, kimosabe, don't get ahead of yourself. It's so new-- but Ad, Gah! I've never felt this way before. I'm falling so hard." I admit on a dreamy groan.
When Addie doesn't say anything, I look at her and find her staring at me in wonder.
"What?" I ask through a nervous chuckle. "Do you think...it's too soon? Do you think maybe he doesn't feel the same way?"
"Oh, Lilly. No." She says, sitting up and grasping my hand. "How could he not feel the same way? You're the most remarkable woman. Beautiful, and smart and brave." She says, her eyes warm, but a little sad, too. "It's just that...you're confiding in me." She whispers, her eyes filling with tears.
I stare at my little sister, her golden eyes the twins of my own, hold so much pain and hope. A fog clears, a realization dawns and a new guilt blooms as she continues to tell me what’s in her heart.
"You've never confided in me. I thought maybe…you didn't trust me. Or you thought I was too young. I..." she shakes her head as if to clear it. "You're so strong Lil. So stoic. You never cry. You're never upset. But I've known that something was wrong. I didn't know how to ask because you never show it. But you stopped coming home. You stopped laughing. You stopped dancing whenever you heard music. And you stopped talking to me, at least not the way we used to." This all rushes out like she's been holding onto it and can't stand for another minute.
"Oh, Addie, I'm...sorry." I whisper hoping she can hear the sincerity and depth of my regret. "I'm not strong. I'm not brave. I cry all the time. And I know I should have talked to you, but I couldn't." I confess, praying that she will understand. That she'll forgive me.
"But why? What did we do?" She asks without udgment - just genuine curiosity in her voice.
"It wasn't you....it was me. So much changed. So much...and I didn't know how to handle it. And none of you seemed to care."
"Lilly, you're the center of us. When dad left, we survived it because you held us together. You made us laugh. You refused to join in our wallowing. But then, you just disappeared and yes, you pretend, but Lilly, I saw you...when you thought no one was looking and I knew something terrible had happened."
"Then why didn't you fucking ask me." I snap violently and suddenly, surprising myself and Addie. She pales, her eyes widen as she looks at me. "If you knew something was so terribly wrong, why didn't you just ask me?" My shoulders rise with the question.
Her hand trembles as she runs it through her hair, tucking it behind her ear and balling it into a fist at her throat. "I was afraid. I thought you didn't want me to know. I..."
"You didn't want to know. Your own life was hard enough, and you didn't want to know." I say, clasping my hands together.
I watch resignation settle on her like a cloak.
"Will you tell me now? What happened? Please. I want to know. I want to be here for you Lilly. I'm sorry that you didn't know that. I'm sorry that I took you for granted. I'm sorry that I leaned on you so much, but never once offered myself for you to lean on. I'm here for you and I want to know."
And so, I tell her. Not everything, because there are some things that only belong to me. That I have a right to guard in my heart. But, I tell her as much as I told Harry. And my baby sister, whose diapers I changed and who's first steps I remember vividly holds me in her arms, strokes my head and promises to keep my confidences.
That night, when Harry comes to my room and crawls in bed with me, he wraps his strong arms around and me pulls me flush against him. He starts stroking my back, long, languid touches that warm me to the core.
I rest my head on his chest and can feel the strong, steady beat of his heart against my ear. I inhale and let the smell of his soap, the fabric softener on his shirt fill my lungs. I burrow into him, seeking comfort and intimacy. They are two things I've willfully denied myself for so long and now, I don't know how I survived without them.
We've only had a total of one month together and yet, I know that this man is best thing to ever happen to me. He looked at me -- saw all of me and wanted more. I know how lucky I am to have found him.
"Hey. How was your day?" He asks me after a few minutes. His rich baritone still resonant despite his whisper.
"Fine. I've managed to lose my phone. And… I told Addie." I murmur into his t-shirt like both pieces of news have equal weight. His hands halt their caress for just a minute and despite the bittersweet feelings the memory of that conversation conjures, I smile to myself when I feel his surprise.
