Redeeming Luke, page 24
part #1 of Days of Grace Series
Luke gave her hand a gentle squeeze. “But being in church carries its own guilt sometimes.”
“Yes. When you know there is something between you and God, something is separating you. I began to pull away from Him and I didn’t even realize it.” Her shoulders lifted and settled again. “I spoke with Pastor Hudgins a few weeks ago. He’s such a wise man.”
Luke nodded.
“He helped me see that God hadn’t gone anywhere. I had.” Her eyes held a new glow, a new something that made them even more beautiful than ever. “I pulled away from God because of my shame. I didn’t think I had a right to ask Him for anything. I didn’t even have the right to pray.”
Luke averted his gaze. Her words hit too close to home. But she didn’t stop.
“I prayed again, really prayed, for the first time in years. I can’t tell you how much better I feel. How free, how … light.” She slipped her free hand under their clasped hands, drawing his attention back to her. “I want this for you.” Tears glimmered in her eyes, like a pool of clear blue water. “You’ve suffered for so long. And with all the challenges ahead of you, you need Him.”
“I don’t know.” His throat constricted. For the first time in eighteen years, he felt the desire to be close to God again. To be part of a church. He’d felt the same pull over the last few months that Emma described. But he’d fought it with everything in him.
“Aren’t you tired?” She touched his cheek. “Aren’t you tired of being angry and holding everyone at arm’s length? I know I was. I was so tired of pretending to be something I wasn’t.”
Everything in him screamed out to say yes. To agree to anything she asked. But something held him back.
“I don’t know if I can.”
“Why?” her voice held a slight cry. “What could possibly be holding you back? Haven’t you punished God enough?”
His back stiffened. “I haven’t been punishing God.”
“Well who are you punishing then? Yourself? That pastor that hurt you? The church that hurt you? Sadie?”
“No!” Luke bolted up from the porch. “I do not blame Sadie for any of it!”
Although he could see the fight come back into her eyes, the kind that turned them into blazing sapphires, she remained calm.
“I didn’t say ‘blame’. I said ‘punish’.” She walked to him and set her hand on his arm. “I’m not accusing you. And I’m not going to keep pushing. I just wish you would slow down enough to think about it.” She touched his cheek. The look in her eyes took his breath away. “I can’t be with a man who doesn’t love the Lord.”
She reached up and kissed his cheek and whispered to him. “Please. Give it some thought.”
Luke stood frozen in place, and watched her walk away until she disappeared around the bend of his driveway. Anxiety crawled through his veins. She’d just told him she wanted him. But there was a condition. He didn’t know if it was a condition he could meet.
CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO
Ruth squirmed in her seat, rolled down the window and stuck her head out, breathing in the scents of home. She could barely contain her excitement as Grady drove their borrowed car down the driveway.
Grady took her hand in his and kissed it. “You’re going to give me a complex, Ruthie. I’m starting to think you’d rather have been home this past week than with me.”
“Oh stop it.” She giggled and scooted over, to plant a kiss on his cheek. “You know I loved our honeymoon. But I did miss Luke and Emma and everyone.”
And she was returning a married woman. She didn’t have to be ashamed of being pregnant. Although now and then a discouraging thought did force its way into her mind while they were away. A young woman shouldn’t be pregnant on her honeymoon. But whenever that mood threatened their time together, Grady distracted her by making her laugh, or taking her for a walk on the beach.
The moment Grady pulled the car to a stop, Ruth opened her door. “I see him out by the barn!”
“Ruth!” Grady called after her. “Be careful!”
She tossed him a wave and ran, as best she could while holding her belly.
“Luke! Luke!”
Luke stood up from the fence he was mending and tilted his hat back on his head. A smile spread across his face. Ruth reached him and threw her arms around him.
“Whoa!” He laughed, embracing her. “No one should be this happy to leave their honeymoon.”
Ruth kissed his cheek.
Luke’s eyes scanned the distance. “Did you lose Grady?”
“No. He’s probably carrying our suitcases into my room.” Her smile dissipated. “Um … I guess we never really talked about that …”
Luke looked back at the house and rubbed his neck. “I assumed I’d have a fight on my hands if I tried to keep Grady out in the barn after the wedding.” He put his arm around her and directed her to walk with him to the house.
Giggling, Ruth told him, “We’ve been a little worried about it.”
Luke laughed. “Actually, I switched the rooms around. You and Grady can have mine. It’s the biggest. The baby can have the small room across the hall. And I’ll take the room at the other end.”
Ruth wrapped her arms around Luke’s waist. “Thank you.”
Luke helped Grady carry in their luggage, and set it on their bed.
Grady scratched his temple. “Thanks, Luke.”
“You’re welcome.” He adjusted his hat. “I’ll—uh—let you two get settled.”
Luke closed the door behind him. Grady and Ruth unpacked their things and began putting them away.
Ruth set a figurine that had belonged to her mother on the dresser. “What do you think of this?”
“It’s fine.” Grady continued to fold shirts.
“Oh, and Luke took these yellow curtains down from my old room. Do you like them?”
“Yeah, sure.” He put the shirts in their drawer.
“I was thinking when the baby comes, he could sleep in a bassinet right here at the foot of the bed. There’s plenty of room to walk around even with it there. It was so neat of Luke to give us the bigger room.”
“Sure was.”
Ruth stomped her foot. “Grady Akins!”
Grady startled and spun around to face her. “What? Are you okay? Is the baby okay?”
Ruth rolled her eyes. “I’m fine, except that I’m being ignored.”
“I’m not ignoring you. I answered every question.”
“But you hardly looked at anything I tried to show you. Don’t you care how the room looks?”
“Honestly? No.”
“Grady!”
He grinned in that way that sent goose bumps down her spine. He approached her and pulled her to him, holding her close. “I don’t care what the room looks like. I don’t care if we have room to walk around or not. I don’t care what color the curtains are. All I care about is that you are finally my wife.” He kissed her, leaving her breathless. “And that I don’t sleep in a barn anymore.”
Ruth giggled and wrestled free. She set a framed photo of her and Grady on her bed stand. “Luke made a joke that he figured you would fight him if he tried to make you stay out there.”
“I’m sure there’s a part of him that wishes he could.”
“I’m so glad the two of you have found a way to get along. I couldn’t bear it if the two of you still hated each other.”
After getting settled, Ruth perused the new bedroom, thinking of a couple of things to add it, but they could wait. “Listen, I’m dying to see Emma. I’m going to go visit her, okay?”
“That’s fine. But you’re not walking all that way. I’ll drive you.”
“My own chauffeur. But of course, Mr. Akins!”
They walked down the hall laughing. Luke sat in the living room reading a newspaper. He glanced up but quickly returned his attention to his paper. He shifted in his seat. Ruth and Grady exchanged a look. They knew it would take a while for Luke to get used to this arrangement. Grady spoke first.
“I’m going to take Ruth over to see Emma. I’ll be back in a few minutes.”
“Okay.” Luke looked up again. “That’s good. We actually have some business to discuss.”
CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE
“I’m so glad you and Grady had such a wonderful time.” Emma patted Ruth’s knee as they sat on Nella’s sofa. “I wish I could have seen it when that crab chased him.”
Ruth giggled. “Later on Grady was mad that he didn’t turn around and catch it so we could eat it.”
“It certainly sounds like it was big enough!” Emma reached for the pitcher on the coffee table. “Would you like some more?”
“Thank you.” Ruth held her glass out for Emma to pour more of the iced tea. “I’ve never been able to get enough of Nella’s sweet tea.”
Emma poured Ruth’s tea and sat back again, enjoying this time alone with Ruth. “So tell me, how are you doing with all these changes in your life?”
Ruth looked down at her expanding belly and gently rubbed it for a moment before looking back to Emma.
“Honestly? Sometimes I feel like everything is wonderful, and other times I feel like I’m waiting for something awful to happen. I mean, I’m so happy to be married to Grady and all but …”
“But it’s not exactly how you thought life would be.”
“Right.” Ruth traced her finger tip over the rim of her glass. “The wedding was wonderful and everyone was so kind, and I really did want to marry Grady but … in the back of my mind I wished all day that we had just snuck into the courthouse and done it quietly.”
Emma could see the war going on in Ruth’s mind and heart. Even when she smiled there was a glimmer of sadness in her eyes and the crease between her brows. Ruth still carried a great deal of shame.
Emma ventured carefully. “I think maybe you got so used to hiding these past months, you feel you still need to hide.”
Ruth tilted her head. “I thought that feeling would go away once Grady and I were married. But it hasn’t. People still know. I still know.”
Emma took Ruth’s hand in hers. “You need to forgive yourself. Yes, you made a mistake, but it’s done. No one can change the past. But don’t let the past steal the joy of your future.” She patted Ruth’s stomach. “I’ve never had a child, but I would imagine that once this little one arrives, it won’t matter how or when he or she came to be.”
Smiling, Ruth admitted, “I am starting to get a little excited. I lay awake at night and wonder if it’s a boy or a girl. Whether it will be a little boy who looks like Grady, or a little girl who looks like me.” Her brow pinched and she rested her hand on her stomach. “And then I think about the pain, and whether I can do this, and I get scared.”
“Sounds perfectly normal to me.” Wanting to get Ruth’s mind off the fear of actually giving birth to her baby, Emma changed the subject. “Have you and Grady thought of names?”
Ruth’s smile returned. “Yes. But we want to keep it a secret.”
Emma held her hand to her chest and tossed her head back. “Well! How rude!”
Eliciting a giggle from Ruth did Emma’s own heart good. “Is there anything you need right now? Anything I can help with?”
“Actually, there is. I would love it if you would teach me to knit. The baby will need blankets and socks and sweaters.”
Thrilled at the prospect of helping Ruth learn to knit and prepare for her baby, Emma quickly agreed. “I have an extra set of needles, and Nella has a whole basket of yarn that I’m sure she wouldn’t mind us using.”
****
Luke tugged his coat tighter as the wind kicked up. He’d moved Molly, the pregnant mare, into the barn to get her out of the harsh wind and cold. It seemed as quickly as the heat of summer took a break, the wind and chill of autumn wasted no time replacing it.
Molly looked good, but he felt bad for the old girl. Her back so bowed she looked as if she would bust in half if he pushed on her too hard. The foal would be here any day. And then … who knew. He hoped he’d be able to keep her and the foal as boarders.
Clouds hovered low and dark in the sky. The scent of the first rain of the season hung in the air. Tree branches rustled loud enough they sounded like the ocean. Luke wanted to get inside where it was warm. He walked toward the house. The windows glowed with yellow light. Beyond the curtains shadows moved about, and as he got closer, voices reached him over the din of the trees.
Sundays had become Luke’s favorite day of the week. Grady and Ruth left early for church, and they brought Emma with them when they returned. Occasionally Nella joined them, but with the weather getting colder, she tended to stay home in front of her own fire more often.
Opening the door to the kitchen was like opening a door to another world. Outside, nothing but gray, wind and cold. Inside, laughter, warmth and the scent of a roasting chicken and vegetables.
Grady drained a pot of boiled potatoes. “How’s she doing?”
“It’ll be soon. I’m not sure how much longer she can hold out.”
Ruth stirred something in a pot on the stove. “Every time I look at her my own back starts to ache something awful!”
Emma took Luke’s coat without his asking and handed him a cup of coffee. “Be thankful you’re not a horse. They’re pregnant for eleven months.”
Ruth’s wide eyes and dropped jaw evoked laughter from the other three. Luke couldn’t even hold back a chuckle. He sat at the kitchen table with his coffee and relaxed, watching all the commotion around him. Grady and Ruth had an unspoken understanding between the two of them already. They seemed to know what the other needed before a word was said. Ruth and Emma had a sisterly relationship, giggling and chattering non-stop. Luke looked forward to the three of them walking in the door every Sunday after church.
How had this happened? How had his life changed so completely? One day he was a loner, perfectly happy to avoid other people while he worked on the Golden Gate Bridge. He knew he was playing a part in a piece of history, but his only goal was to make enough money to buy himself a ranch out in the country and just be … left alone.
And then one day—Ruth. One sixteen-year-old girl without a mother had turned his plans, his life, his future, upside down.
“Luke? Are you all right?”
Luke looked askance at Emma. And with Ruth came Emma … “Yeah. I’m fine.”
“Would you like some more coffee?” Emma turned and reached for the coffee pot.
“No.” Luke held up a hand. He considered her for a moment and then smiled. “I’m good. Thanks.”
Emma tilted her head and her forehead wrinkled. “Are you sure? You seem a little far away.”
“He’s always far away,” Ruth interjected. “Would you mind mixing these mashed potatoes?”
“Of course.” Emma cast one more worrisome glance at Luke before joining Ruth again at the counter.
“Grady!” Ruth exclaimed. “I told you not to put the biscuits in the oven yet!” She turned and set her hands on Grady’s shoulders. “Darling, I love you, and I love that you want to help, but please—go sit down with Luke and let Emma and me finish.”
Grinning, Grady kissed the top of her head and walked over to the table to join Luke. There was something in the kid’s eye … something suspicious.
Luke lowered his voice. “What are you up to, Kid?”
Grady stole a glance at Ruth’s back at the counter, then leaned into Luke and whispered. “She only thinks she wants my help. If I mess it up bad enough … I help her realize she doesn’t.”
Luke nearly spit out the coffee he’d just sipped.
Ruth spun around to face them first, then Emma.
Ruth’s eyes narrowed and her gaze flickered between Grady and Luke. “What are the two of you up to?”
“Nothin’ Honey.” Grady sat back in his chair. “Just enjoyin’ the view is all.” He elbowed Luke. “Right, Luke?”
Ruth gasped and held her hand to her mouth. Emma’s eyes bulged.
Laughter bubbled up in Luke’s chest, but he managed to control it. Instead, he shrugged his shoulders. “Can’t argue that.”
Emma’s cheeks blazed pink. Luke loved that shy sparkle in her eyes. Ruth bit her lower lip and turned back to finish preparing the meal. Luke noticed Emma’s fingers trembling as she rejoined Ruth.
Watching Emma work, Luke tried to remember what his life was like before she came along. Before any of them came along. How had he thought he was happy then? The three of them made him feel things. Things he spent a long time ignoring. Not wanting to name or acknowledge. His home was filled with life now. Comfort. Laughter. He may not always indulge. In fact, most of the time, he found a way to get away from it. But that didn’t mean he didn’t notice it.
Another thing he noticed was that Emma had kept her promise not to nag him about church. For over a month now she and Ruth and Grady went to church together. Came back here together. Fixed a meal together. And they included him. Sitting around the table eating and talking felt like a family.
So why did he still feel like an outsider?
CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR
Luke got out of his truck, pulled on his coat, and stood in the empty church parking lot, staring up at the white steeple. He squeezed his hands into fists to stop the tremor. His stomach clenched and his jaw muscles twitched.
The past month had been a confusing mess of events, thoughts and emotions, that left Luke exhausted and struggling for understanding. More and more he felt as if he were being sucked down into a pool of quicksand. The more he struggled against its pull, the faster it pulled him under.
Having Grady and Ruth under the same roof with him had taken some getting used to, but they eventually established a routine that worked for all of them. All in all, it really wasn’t much different than when Grady slept in the barn. The kid had turned out to be a hard worker and he took good care of Ruth. When Luke told him about losing the boarders because of Jasper Loomis, Grady just nodded and said, “We’ll make it work.”
