Mirror Image, page 22
"Thank you, " she said quietly, looking very young, and a little less daring than she had a moment before, with a cigarette between her fingers.
"I think you ought to get dressed now though, or we'll be late boarding the ship." He glanced at his watch. It was ten o'clock and they were meant to be there at eleven-thirty. Would you like some breakfast?
" he asked politely. It was like visiting with a very civilized friend.
He was solicitous and courteous, and very well behaved. He had done nothing whatsoever to frighten or upset her.
"I'm not hungry, " she said cautiously, wondering what it had been like to sleep with him the night before. He had come to bed after she was asleep, and left the bedroom before she woke up that morning. It was odd having spent the night with him, and being totally unaware of it. He didn't really feel like her husband. This was nothing at all like what she had shared with Toby. And she knew what would be expected of her here, but she couldn't even imagine it with Charles. In fact, she rather dreaded it, but so far, Charles had been a total gentleman, and shown no amorous interest in her whatsoever.
She went to dress, and an hour later stood in the living room of their suite in the red dress Olivia had picked out for her with the matching jacket. She was wearing a bun again, and had a matching cloche, and in the startling red outfit, she made quite an impression. It was odd being by herself with him, and not automatically half of a pair, with an identical person standing right next to her, but it was very pleasant leaving the hotel with him, and having everyone greet him.
Charles was respected and well liked, and she felt very well cared for as he shepherded her to the car waiting for them. Their trunks had already gone on ahead to the Aquatania, and would be waiting for them in their stateroom.
And when they reached the huge ship at Pier Fifty-four, there was a band playing, and confetti flying everywhere, and elegantly dressed people going up the gangplank, both to find their cabins, and to visit friends who were sailing. There was a huge crowd of people all around, and Victoria's eyes grew wide as she watched the excitement around her.
She only wished that Olivia could be there with her to see it. And Charles saw the brief flash of sorrow cross her eyes and knew what she was thinking.
"Maybe she can come with us next time, " he said gently, and she looked at him and smiled, grateful for his generosity of spirit.
Their stateroom on B Deck was handsome and large, and surprisingly sunny. It was near the Garden Lounge, which looked like an old English garden, and as they walked around the ship, Victoria was impressed by the marble chimneypiece in the Adam Drawing Room and the elegant style of the ship, and she was fascinated by what the other women were wearing. It was like looking at one of Olivia's fashion magazines, and she was glad Olivia had forced her to bring all the gowns that were carefully packed in her trunk, and that the stewardess was already unpacking.
"Oh this is such fun, " she said to Charles, clapping her hands like a child, and he put an arm around her shoulders. He had been on ships before, and he had always liked them, but after what had happened to his wife he was sure he never would feel happy on one again. But Victoria had changed that.
They wandered down to look at the swimming pool, and then back to the main deck for the sailing. The music grew louder still and the boat horns blew, and the great ship began to move slowly away from the dock and out of the harbor. The visitors were waving frantically from the dock, and Victoria took off her hat, and her hair was instantly covered by confetti. This was the Aquatania's first trip back, after her maiden voyage to New York the week before, and Charles only hoped that she was more fortunate than her earlier cousin, the Titanic. This was supposed to be a better ship, and she was meant to have the right number of lifeboats on board, but he nevertheless looked serious as they went back to their cabin. Inevitably, he was thinking of Susan.
"What was she like? " Victoria asked him boldly, as she lit a cigarette, but he didn't object. He wanted her to be comfortable with him.
"It wouldn't be fair if I said perfect, " he said honestly.
"Because she wasn't. But she was right for me, and I loved her very dearly.
It's been a hard thing getting used to her being gone like this.
Perhaps it'll be different now that we're married." He said it hopefully, like a long illness he was hoping was cured, but he wasn't sure yet.
"That was brave of you, " Victoria said quietly. You really don't know me."
"I think I do. And we both need help in bad situations."
"That's an odd reason to get married, isn't it? " she asked, suddenly wanting more than that, as he poured a glass of champagne and handed it to her.
She felt very grown-up now that she was married, and enjoying the privileges that went with it.
"Getting married is an odd thing anyway, isn't it? I mean two people together for life. It's a great risk to take, but I think it's worth it, " he said, as he sat down near her and looked at her.
"And if the risk doesn't pan out? " She looked him in the eye and this time he was startled by her question.
"The risk does pan out if you want it to, " he said firmly. "You just have to want it badly enough." And then he looked her in the eye and asked her a tough question. "Do you? " There was a long silence.
And then finally, "I think so. I was terrified yesterday. I almost ran away right before the wedding, " she confessed, and then laughed at her own terror.
"That's understandable. If people were honest, most of them would tell you that they wanted to run away right before their wedding. So did I, for about half a minute."
"Mine lasted a little longer, " she said softly.
"And now? " he asked, moving closer to her, watching her with fascination. He could feel that sensual quality about her again, the thing Olivia didn't have, and it drove him crazy. "Do you still want to run away? " he asked, as he came very close to her. She looked into his eyes and shook her head. She didn't know what she wanted yet, but running away wasn't it. "You can't run very far on the ship, " he said in a husky voice, as he set down his champagne glass and sat down next to her. And then without saying another thing, he put his arms around her and kissed her. For a moment, he took her breath away, and then she kissed him back, much harder and deeper than he had expected.
She was exactly what he had suspected her to be, a wild horse he would never tame, but who would never ask for what he could never give her.
"You're very beautiful, Victoria, " he whispered to her, not entirely sure of the extent of her experience. He knew she wasn't entirely innocent, but her father had not supplied the details, nor had he wanted to know them.
Charles carefully took her crimson jacket off, and then pulled her into his arms again, as they sat on the couch in the living room of their cabin. The rooms were extremely luxurious, and Charles had spared no expense in order to spoil her.
She lit a cigarette again then, somewhat nervously, and this time he put it out, and kissed her. He could taste the cigarette . , smoke on her lips, but he didn't really mind it. Everything about her aroused him. And as she sat next to him, languidly, he kissed her and she kissed him back, it felt as though it went on for hours, and then finally, he picked her up and carried her into their bedroom.
They were at sea by then, but there were still seagulls- flying past the portholes. There was no one nearby, they were totally alone with no one to disturb them, as he peeled off the red dress and dropped it next to the bed, as he admired her long legs and narrow hips, the tiny waist and full breasts, she took his breath away when he saw her, and then took his clothes off too. He drew the curtains before he took them off entirely, and slipped beneath the covers with her, and there he took off the rest of what she was wearing, and his own, and he felt the opulence of her flesh against his, the silsdness of her body that he had so longed for. His body was crying out for her, as it never had before.
There had been no woman in his life since Susan. It had been two agonizingly long years, and as he reached for his wife now, he felt her suddenly shrink from him and begin to tremble.
"Don't be afraid, " he whispered in her hair, as he touched her, aching to be inside her. "I won't hurt you, I promise." But she had turned away from him by then, and she was shaking so hard she couldn't stop as he held her. He held her that way for a long time, and then he turned her and forced her to face him.
"I won't force you to do anything you don't want, Victoria. You don't need to fear me, I know this is difficult for you." He remembered his first wedding night with Susan, and she had been so young and so innocent, and so shy with him, much more so than Victoria, who seemed so much bolder. But she wasn't. She was a twenty-one-year-old girl, and he imagined that despite her broken heart, she was still a virgin.
He was sixteen years older than she, and he had time. Despite his hunger for her, he was willing to be patient.
"I can't, " she said, burying her face against him, sounding every bit as panicked as she had before the wedding. All she could think of now were her raptures with a man she had loved, and the agony that had ended in the bathroom. "I can't do this with you.
"You don't have to .. . not now .. . we have a lifetime together.
" But at the sound of his words, she began to cry, and all she wanted was her sister.
"I'm sorry, " she said miserably. "I'm so sorry .. . I can't do this ... "Shhh .. ." he said, and held her for what seemed like hours, just as he would have Geoffrey if he had hurt his knee or been bitterly disappointed. And at last, she curled up and fell asleep in his arms.
And while she slept, he got up and put on a dressing gown. He didn't want her to be frightened if she saw him naked. He ordered tea for both of them, and when she woke up late that afternoon, he was waiting for her, and he served her tea and cookies.
"I don't deserve this, " she said unhappily, wishing that things were different. She didn't even want to take tea from him. She felt as though she had failed him. And she felt even worse when they got a telegram from home.
"We love you. Bon Voyage and Happy Honeymoon. Father, Olivia, and Geoffrey." It made her feel homesick just thinking of them, and she got up and sprinted like a doe across the cabin to their bathroom. He tried not to look at her, but she was so lovely he couldn't help it.
A little later she came back and sat with him, wrapped in the lavender silk dressing gown Olivia had bought her.
"Don't worry about it, " he reassured her again, and kissed her gently.
He would never have admitted it to her, but his desire for her was driving him crazy. But he made no attempt at seduction again, and a little while later they dressed for dinner.
She wore a white satin evening gown that clung to her figure outrageously, and was so low down her back that you could almost see her bottom.
"Well, that will certainly catch the boys' attention." He smiled at her happily and then followed her out of the cabin. They sat at Captain Turner's table that night, and as soon as the music struck up, Charles led his wife out onto the dance floor. They were playing a tango and he could feel her moving sensuously in his arms. It was all he could do not to rush her to their cabin.
"I don't think I can let you out again, " he said as the music drew to a close. "You're driving all the men crazy." She laughed at him, and clearly didn't mind the stir she was making. But when it came to him .
. she was frightened. It was so odd, he just didn't understand it.
And when he lay next to her that night, he looked at her, and was almost afraid to touch her. But he just couldn't help it, and she knew she had to face it too. It couldn't go on this way forever. He slipped her nightgown off, and she lay in his arms, lifeless and exquisite.
He knew how afraid she was, he could sense it, and he was determined not to force her. He wanted to drive her as mad as she drove him, and introduce her to all the avenues of pleasure.
He began very gently and very slowly, but as his desire for her mounted, he became more passionate, and he was in fact a kind and experienced lover. Far more so than Toby, who had actually used her far more roughly than Charles did. But the difference between them was that she had loved Toby, and her own desire for him had been so great, that she had minded nothing they had done, she had feared nothing at all. She had wanted all they'd shared. And she wanted to want it now, with Charles. She wanted to be the wife he expected of her, and yet as she felt him shudder in her arms, and lay spent finally, she felt nothing.
He was very quick to look at her, and to call her name and kiss her, and assure her that he cared about her deeply. He was terrified that he had frightened her again, and then he understood what had happened.
He suddenly realized what she knew, and he hadn't.
"It wasn't the first time, was it? " he asked hoarsely, as he buried his face between her breasts, and then returned to face her as she shook her head sadly. "You might have told me, Victoria. I was terrified I'd hurt you."
"You didn't, " she said quietly. She had gone nowhere at all while he was transported by passion. She felt closer to him, but only because she felt so sorry for him, and what she didn't have to give him. And she didn't believe what they said now.
You didn't learn these things.
You didn't "grow" to love someone. You either did, or you didn't. And she knew she had been cheated, and she had cheated him.
They would not "grow" to anything. They would simply spend a lifetime together, as strangers.
"And you loved him, didn't you? " Charles wanted to know it all now.
"Yes, " she said honestly. She didn't avert her eyes this time.
It only seemed fair to tell him. "I loved him."
"How long did it go on? "
"Almost two months." Charles nodded, at least it hadn't been a year or two, not that it really mattered. "He lied to me. About everything.
He never really loved me. He told me he was trapped in a loveless marriage, that he was leaving her and getting divorced. And I believed him.
I'd never have done it otherwise, " and then she thought about it, "or maybe I would. I don't know now." She looked miserable, but at least she wasn't lying to him. That was something. "He started telling people, laughing about it. And when they asked him, he said I seduced him.
He said I meant nothing to him, it was all a lark. He never intended to leave his wife, or marry me. In fact, she was expecting a baby all the time I loved him." "What a bastard. And now you don't trust me, do you? "
"It's not that, " she said miserably, touching his face with her fingers. "I don't know what it is. I just can't .. . it's like a wall between us .. . between me and everyone .. . any man ..
. I don't want anyone to touch me." It certainly did not bode well for their future.
"Did anything else happen, Victoria, that you're not telling me?
" He suspected it even before she told him. She started to shake her head, and then she looked at him, and shrugged. That was one thing she really didn't want to tell him.
"Nothing .. ." But this time he knew she was lying. He cupped her breast with one hand, and wished that she wanted him, and she only looked at him sadly.
"I was pregnant, " she said in the smallest of voices.
"I thought so."
"I fell off my horse and lost it almost as soon as we got back to Croton. Olivia was with me, but I hadn't told her. She saved me .
.
. I was hemorrhaging .. . it was awful .. . I think I almost died and they took me to the hospital in an ambulance." Tears rolled slowly down her cheeks as he held her hand, wishing that things had been different. "I never want to have children."
"It doesn't have to be like that. It doesn't have to be terrifying and awful and wrong .. . alone on a bathroom floor, with the baby of a man who didn't love you." But he couldn't tell her that he loved her, not honestly, and she knew that. And it wouldn't have mattered if he did, she didn't love him.
"My mother died when I was born. I killed her, " she said, as fresh tears rolled down her cheeks and he held her.
"I'm sure that's not true, " he said, certain that there was more to the story.
"She was fine when Olivia was born, and I was so big that she died right after she had me. I was born eleven minutes after Ollie."
"But you didn't kill her, " he explained, she was naive in some ways, even though she had lost a baby. "I don't mind if I never have another child, " he explained, "but I don't want you to feel that you shouldn't.
Having Geoff was the happiest moment of Susan's life, or .. .
afterwards at least, " he smiled. It hadn't been easy for her either, and Geoff had been a big baby. But he still remembered the look on her face the first time he saw her after Geoff was born, as the baby lay at her breast and suckled. He had never seen anything as sweet, and he had cried when he saw them. It was hard to forget that even now, ten years later.
"You should have a baby one day, Victoria. Eventually, things will be different. We'll get used to each other. We'll both forget the people we once cared for, or put them away, along with the sorrows, and the things they did to hurt us."
"What did she ever do to hurt you? " Victoria asked, surprised, and wishing that she could believe that one day things would be different.
But she didn't. They were too far apart. And the truth was, other than sympathy, she felt nothing for him.
"She died, " he said bluntly, "she went down on that damn ship.
That's what she did to hurt me. She gave her seat up to a child, to someone I don't know and don't care about, and she left me." There were tears in his eyes now, he had known pain and grief and loss and anger.
He had known agony, but he had come back now.
And he was willing to hold a hand out to Victoria and to let her join him. But the truth was, she didn't want to. We can't give up, " he said quietly, "we can't just look back at the people who've left our lives.
