Seeking Home, page 7
part #1 of Family Bonds Series
“So far, they look like they’re in decent shape.”
“I hope so. I re-did this pasture four years ago, and there hasn’t been any cattle in here since then.”
The talk turned to business. Practical matters. Tanner was pleasantly surprised at her knowledge and her pointed questions. She had done her homework. He said as much as they wended their way through a copse of trees to the upper pastures.
“I helped my dad a lot,” she said. “I always harbored some secret dream that I would take over the ranch. Which was truly a dream. Even if he hadn’t sold it, the ranch didn’t generate enough income to live on. He’d been working part-time at the feed mill to give us household money.”
Tanner heard again the vague bitterness in her voice. A touch of resentment.
“So what happened? With the ranch?” He knew her father had lost it and wondered how. Wondered if she was as prepared for this venture as she thought.
Sabine frowned, shifting Two Bits to one side to avoid a fallen log. Chewed her lip as if wondering what to say.
“A combination of things, I’ve realized over the years. Despite good cattle prices, he wasn’t the best manager. We found out too late that the bull we used wasn’t doing the job. My dad hadn’t preg tested in years and didn’t see the need. The calf crop kept going down. Then, one year, he had a stack of hay burn up because he’d baled it too wet. Some of the bales overheated. He hadn’t been checking them. So there went the feed for the year, which meant we had to buy feed, which put us further behind. One thing kind of led to another. I did what I could, but I wasn’t old enough to work hard enough to make a difference.” She released another light laugh. “I didn’t know the concept of work smarter not harder then. Hopefully I’ve learned.”
“Sounds like you’re able to see what your father did wrong.”
“I hope so. He wasn’t a rancher.”
“And you think you can be?” As soon as he spoke he realized how combative that sounded. As if he doubted her ability. “Sorry. I just...that wasn’t my business to ask.”
“I’d worked our ranch since I could ride. Even though I wasn’t very old, I knew what my father was doing wrong. I’ve done research. Talked to other ranchers. Like I said, it’s always been a dream of mine to run a ranch. And here I am.”
He didn’t blame her for sounding defensive, but he also admired her blustery confidence.
The fact that she, a single mother, wanted to take this on was admirable. He always knew if something happened to him, Dana would have walked away immediately.
And isn’t that what you’re doing?
He stifled the question, reminding himself that the business with his father-in-law was a great opportunity.
Then why did he feel like he had to keep telling himself this?
“How was your day?” Nana asked as Tanner set the table for dinner. He had come back early enough to help her, even though she told him over and over again she could manage just fine on her own.
“It was nice. Good to be riding again. I enjoyed it way more than I thought I would.”
“So maybe it was all meant to be. You not being able to connect with that Jennings fellow. Maybe it was God’s way of getting you to slow down some.”
Tanner wasn’t sure God much cared about his life, but he wasn’t about to tell his nana that.
Despite the difficulties she had faced, there was one constant in his grandmother’s life, and that was her belief in a loving God who watched over and took care of her.
Tanner had given up on God three years ago.
“At any rate, it was nice to be out on a horse again.” Tanner took the casserole dish out of the oven and set it on the table then returned for the pitcher of water his grandmother had put some lemon slices in. He held it up, grinning at her. “Getting fancy, are we?”
“I saw it on Pinterest. So I thought I would try it.”
Tanner noticed a large box, the size of a book, sitting beside his nana’s plate.
“What’s that for?” he asked, curious.
“That’s for later,” she said as she placed a bowl of salad on the table, then smiled at Tanner as he held her chair out. “Well, look at you, such a gentleman.”
“My nana taught me well,” he returned, dropping into the chair across from her.
Her smile held a hint of sadness. “I wish it could have been your mother that taught you.”
Tanner held her eyes, returning her smile. “I do too, but Garret and I couldn’t have asked for a better guide through life than you and Papa.”
“Your mother would have been proud of you two.”
Her voice took on a sorrowful tone, and Tanner had to struggle with his own, older sorrow. “I wish she would have stayed here.”
Tanner’s mother, Sarah, had come to the ranch, pregnant with twins, out of work, prevailing upon the generosity and loving kindness of her parents. She hoped to have her babies, get her feet under her financially, then move to Rockyview and try to support herself and her boys. She was starting to get some money together by working at the local sawmill. She had worked there for a few years. Then, one summer, when Tanner came back from a Bible Camp his brother refused to attend, she was gone. Garret wouldn’t say anything about it. Only that she left because she lost her job. A year later she died. Tanner found out later that she suffered from depression. Nana and Papa Bond took care of him and Garret, gave them a place to call home. They seldom talked about their mother after that.
“I do as well,” Nana said.
They were quiet a moment then Tanner scooped some of the casserole onto Nana’s plate, then his. As he picked up his fork, Nana cleared her throat.
“Sorry, Nana. Bad habit,” he said, putting his fork back down and reaching out to take her hand in his.
His grandmother lowered her head and, as she always did, paused a moment, as if giving herself time to gather her thoughts before talking to her God.
“Thank you, Lord, for this food and for time together as a family. Thank you for Tanner and the blessing he is to me. I pray you will guide him in his life and in his decisions. Watch over him and keep him.”
Tanner’s heart skipped a beat as she prayed. She sounded so formal.
And her words, well-intentioned and innocent though they were, put another layer of guilt on his shoulders.
Asking God to guide decisions that had had huge repercussions for her.
He swallowed, his hand tightening on hers as she went through her litany of praying for Garret, who was working overseas now, for Shannon in Rockyview, Hailey in Kelowna as well as Naomi, who was dealing with the declining health of her fiancé in Halifax.
As she touched on his brother and his cousins, he thought of them as well. Wondered what they thought of him selling the place that had been their refuge.
“And we pray all this in Your name, amen.” Again a pause and then she lifted her head, smiling at Tanner as she served herself some salad. “So, what was Sabine’s impression of the ranch, or at least what she saw of it?” she asked, shifting into an easier topic than conversing with God.
“She knows her stuff.” Tanner helped himself to salad as well, his mind skipping over the day. “She sits a horse well, and for someone who hasn’t ridden much the past few years, was pretty comfortable riding all day.”
“I can’t believe you did that to her on her first day. I should have packed more than those cookies,” Nana said, frowning.
“Probably, but she was the one who wanted to keep going.”
Tanner had to smile at the enthusiasm Sabine had expressed. The steady smile on her face as they rode. She enjoyed it as much as he had.
“She’s a feisty one too, I think,” Nana said.
“I would agree there.” He took a few bites of casserole, his eyes drifting to the box beside his nana’s plate. But he knew better than to ask again. “And how was your day?”
“It was good. Nice to be at the Tye ranch. Lots of comings and goings there. Faith and Kane’s baby is due any day now. Tricia and Mason are busy on the ranch, training horses, working on setting up their own place. Elliot is working into the ranch as well, and Kinsley is doing great with her photography business. And now Lucas is back and engaged to his old girlfriend, Summer. Such a blessing for Zach to have his kids all come back.”
As Tanner ate, he tried not to read anything more into what his grandmother was saying other than basic information, local chitchat.
“That is nice,” he agreed, deciding to simply take what she was saying at face value.
“The twins were happy to see Olivia. She was so good with them, taking them outside to play. I think she had a really good time. Mason took her on a ride on one of his horses, so she was in heaven. On our way back we drove along the river. I hadn’t taken that drive in ages.”
“Was that safe?” Tanner asked, his heart jumping.
“Of course.” Nana frowned at him then her expression softened. “Honey, I’m a good driver.”
Tanner knew he was overreacting. “I know, it’s just—”
“I don’t blame you for being concerned. Given what happened to...to...” Her hesitation was awkward and made Tanner realize what his grief was doing to her.
“Given what happened to Dana and Paulette,” he finished for her, giving her a rueful smile. “You can say their names. I won’t break out in tears.”
Nana’s smile became melancholy. “Maybe not, but I kind of wish you would.”
Tanner swallowed down a lump of unexpected and entirely unwelcome sorrow. “I’ve cried enough,” he said, his voice hard.
“I don’t think you have.”
“So what’s in the box?” he asked, pointing with his fork, moving his grandmother in another direction. He didn’t want any grief counseling. Didn’t want his grandmother to think she was responsible for his emotional well-being.
Nana glanced down at the blue box beside her plate. “I did say I was waiting until after dinner, but I guess I may as well give it to you now. You never were the most patient boy when it came to presents.”
“I was more patient than Garret,” Tanner teased, trying to bring some levity to the heavy atmosphere.
“That doesn’t take much, or didn’t.” Nana shook her head as she handed Tanner the box. “Anyhow, this is for you. I’ve put the same parcel together for each of my grandchildren. You get yours now.”
It was heavy, and Tanner hefted it, grinning at his nana. “Can I guess?”
“Go ahead. I highly doubt you’ll get it.”
“It doesn’t jingle, so it’s not those spurs I always wanted.”
This netted him a grin.
“And I highly doubt it’s that computer game Garret and I always wanted but you and Papa would never buy.”
“Our computer would never run it,” Nana said, playing along.
“It would have if Papa had been willing to upgrade it.”
“Right. And then he would have had to pull you and Garret away from it every time he needed something done on the ranch.”
Tanner laughed as his thoughts drifted back to an easier, simpler time. He hefted the box again, trying to think. “It feels like it could be a book, but you know I don’t like reading.”
“Your loss, my dear. I still don’t understand that.”
“To each his own.” He thought again, then shook his head. “I give up.”
“Then open it.”
She sent another smile his way. He lifted the lid and his heart jumped. A Bible. And draped on top of that was a gold nugget connected to a chain, the length of a necklace.
His gaze shot to Nana’s wrist, realizing that he hadn’t seen her wearing her bracelet since he got here.
She lifted her wrist, acknowledging his look. “That nugget is from my bracelet.”
“But why?” Tanner asked, lifting the necklace out of the box, preferring not to talk about the Bible.
Nana took another bite, then wiped her mouth and pushed her plate away. “I’ve been thinking a lot the last little while. About you and Garret, Shannon, Hailey, and Naomi. I’ve been praying for you all, as you know. And now that you’re selling the ranch, I wanted to give you a small part of your heritage. Having my heart attack was a reminder to me of how fleeting life is. I made it through, and I’ve realized what’s important. So I took my bracelet and I made it into five necklaces. One for each of my grandchildren. You’re getting yours now. Shannon is leaving in a few months, and she’ll get hers then. The others... I don’t know.” She drew in another breath, looking beyond him, as if into the past.
“But Papa Bond had the bracelet made for you,” Tanner said.
“He did, and now I’m passing it and its meaning on to my grandkids.” She smiled at him, as if waiting for something more. Then she pointed to the Bible. “Look inside the Bible,” she said.
He set the necklace aside and opened the brand-new book to the flyleaf.
“To Tanner from your nana Bond. I pray this book will help you find your way home.”
Once again Tanner swallowed a knot of sorrow. He was raised reading the Bible. His grandfather, at every meal, read a passage and then asked him and Garret what they thought of it. When Shannon, Hailey, and Naomi were there, they were pulled into the conversation as well.
“Thanks for this,” Tanner said, closing the book. He picked up the necklace, the dull gold shining in the overhead lights of the kitchen. Tanner grasped the necklace, his hands a tight fist. And who would he give this to?
But he kept his question to himself.
“Thanks for this, Nana,” he said. “I know I never said it enough, but thanks for everything you’ve done for me. Everything you’ve done for me and Garret.”
He got up and gave his grandmother an awkward hug, thankful once again for the legacy she and his grandfather had given him in so many ways.
“So, that’s that.” She held her hand out for the Bible. “Why don’t you give that to me, and we can read a piece out of it and then supper can be over.”
He pulled the book out of the box, the crinkle and rustle of pages separating from each other the only sound in the kitchen. She set it on the table and leafed through it, searching.
“This is what I want to read to you.”
She held the Bible a little distance away, and Tanner had to smile. Elliott could brag all he wanted about his sniper vision, but his grandmother’s eyes had always been sharp and clear. Except for the past few visits, he noticed that she held books a little further away. She squinted a little more. But she was too proud to start wearing reading glasses.
“This is from Psalm 90. The psalm we read at your papa’s funeral.” She paused a moment, pressing her lips together, as if remembering. Then she cleared her throat and began. “Lord, you have been our dwelling place throughout all generations,” she read. “Before the mountains were born or you brought forth the whole world, from everlasting to everlasting you are God.”
Tanner leaned back in the chair, listening, struggling at the same time with a God who seemed so far away. But as she read, the familiar words flowed over him and drew him relentlessly in. Every January first, Papa Bond read Psalm 90, a reminder, he said of the fleetingness of life and our anchor in God.
“Establish the works of our hands for us,” Nana finished. “Yes, establish the works of our hands.”
She set the Bible down, open, and laid her hands on the pages as if anchoring the words.
“So this is my prayer for you,” she said to Tanner. “That God will establish the works of your hands. And I know you’ve had your difficulties with God, especially given what happened to Dana and Paulette. But I’m hoping you’ll realize that in all things He is still your father and His love is unfailing. He still cares.”
Tanner heard the sincerity in her voice and wished he could share it. At one time he had believed God was his true father. Something his grandparents had told him over and over again. But in the throes of grief and guilt, it had been hard to find Him again.
“Thanks for the gifts,” was all Tanner could say. He slipped the necklace over his head, tucking the nugget behind his shirt. Nana handed him the Bible, and he set it back in the box, putting the lid on top of it.
“I guess we better get supper cleared off the table,” he said.
Nana didn’t get up right away, and he shot her a questioning glance.
“I feel really bad for Sabine and Olivia, having to eat supper by themselves in the cabin,” was all she said.
Tanner released a light laugh. “It’s no different than what we’re doing together here, right now,” he said.
“Yes, I understand, but this is your home. You are comfortable here. She is in a strange place, her and her daughter. I think we should have them over for supper tomorrow.” Nana gave him a sorrowful look. “I know it’s difficult for you to see that little girl, but I think it would be healthy for you.”
His nana had more faith in his resiliency than he did.
“Maybe let’s wait a bit,” he said, knowing she wouldn’t be happy with his response.
Nana said nothing for a few beats, and he sensed she wanted to push back.
“Okay. But sooner or later you have to deal with this,” was all she said.
“I have. It’s been three years.” He couldn’t stop the defensive tone that slipped into his voice.
“Have you? In all that time, I’ve never seen you cry. Never seen you truly grieve.”
“I’ve grieved,” he returned, thinking of the many times that sorrow twisted his heart.
“Maybe you have when you’re alone, but your reluctance to be around Olivia shows me that you still have a lot of sorrow to deal with.”
Tanner clamped his lips together, wishing his grandmother would move on.
He had grieved in his own way, but always, what held him back from truly giving in to his sorrow was the feeling that he had no right because he should have done more.
That he could have prevented Dana and Paulette’s deaths.
“Well, I’m having them over,” Jennie said. “I think it’s rude that they have to cook and eat in that tiny cabin when we have more than enough room here.”
Tanner knew enough to just let it go.
