Seeking Home, page 22
part #1 of Family Bonds Series
“Like the one about the Den Engelson’s—” She caught herself, glancing over at Dan. “Sorry. Slipping into old stories.”
Dan grinned, lifting his hand in a gesture of surrender. “I suspect I’ll hear many more over the next while.”
“He’s a really great guy,” Hailey said to Tanner. “Can’t believe how blessed I am with him and Natasha.”
Tanner felt a flicker of jealousy and, behind that, a dull ache at what Sabine had just told him. At the confusion it all created. The need he felt to make things right with her.
But how?
They chatted more as they walked up the sidewalk to the house. Nana was thrilled to see them and immediately had tea going and a plate of cookies and a glass of juice for Natasha.
For a small moment Tanner resented seeing Natasha sitting in the chair Olivia had and then had to give himself a mental kick. At one time he had resented Olivia’s presence.
The talk circled from Rockyview chitchat to Hailey’s upcoming job at the school to Dan purchasing the hardware store. They were going to live above the store until they found a place to buy.
Hailey had hinted at his unfinished house and could they subdivide the property, but Tanner referred her to Sabine. That would be her call now that the ranch was hers.
And the longer Hailey sat there, the broader Nana’s smile.
Hailey and Dan turned down the opportunity for dinner. They had to meet Shannon in town to make wedding plans as well.
Finally, an hour and a half later, Hailey, Dan, and Natasha left, and he and Nana were alone.
Tanner glanced at the clock. Almost suppertime. “What did you figure on having for supper?” he asked. “I can make it.”
Nana waved off the offer. “I’m not that hungry. I was in town and had a big lunch so I was thinking a bowl of yogurt would be just fine. But if you’re hungry?”
Tanner waved off her potential offer. “Yogurt sounds good.”
He got two bowls, the yogurt container out of the refrigerator, and a bag of granola to sprinkle over the top.
They sat down at the table together and ate in silence for a few moments.
“Hailey didn’t seem too happy about you selling the ranch,” Nana said after awhile.
“I know. She always loved it here.”
Another moment of silence and then his grandmother reached over and put her hand on his arm. “Are you sure you should do this?”
Tanner released a harsh laugh. "Nana, the papers are all signed. Come Monday, Sabine owns the ranch. It's a done deal."
Nana considered this, still holding his eyes. "But I seem to be sensing some second thoughts.”
“I can have second, third, or fourth thoughts, but it won’t change anything.” Tanner threw his hands out to the side, looking frustrated.
Nana tapped her fingers on the table, holding Tanner's gaze, a curious look on her face.
"You needn’t sound so defensive with me," she said, an older tone entering her voice. The tone of a grandmother who had raised two rambunctious boys. Who wouldn't put up with any nonsense.
"Sorry, Nana, it's just..." He toyed with the yogurt, swirling it around, trying to corral his thoughts.
"It's just?" Nana encouraged.
Tanner held her question, letting it weave through the confusion he’d been dealing with since Sabine threw out her challenge.
"I know you're attracted to Sabine. And I understand. I think she's a wonderful person. I think you could do worse."
"She has a daughter," Tanner said. "I can't just bounce in and out of her life."
"Well then, don't bounce."
Tanner looked at his grandmother, letting her words register. “What are you saying?“
"I think you should cancel your deal with Ken. I think going into business with him is a move into the past, not the future. I always knew he had a hard time letting go of his grief over Dana and Paulette’s deaths, but the other day when I heard him try to make you feel guilty about them, I seriously wanted to get up and smack him. I know he’s a grieving father and grandfather. I’m a grieving grandmother too, but there comes a time when you need to move on.“ She was quiet a moment, pressing her lips together “And don’t you find it odd that he talks more about Dana than Paulette?”
Tanner nodded, acknowledging her comment. “I think he and Louise were so disappointed that Dana was a single mom.”
“Well, that’s just silly. Your mother was a single mother, and I was thankful she was willing to come home so I could help her. I'm a grandmother. I know exactly how a grandmother should feel about her grandchildren. And I can tell you one thing. I have had a more intense love for my grandchildren than, I'm sad to say, for my girls. I feel like I let them down, and there's a lot of guilt attached to what happened in their lives—"
“None of that was your fault," Tanner said. "My mom and Aunt Noelle made their own choices."
"I know, but when you're a parent it’s really hard not to take that on. It's like the old saying, if your kids turn out good, it’s God's grace; if they don't, it's your fault."
"We seem to have turned out okay.”
Nana looked at him lovingly. "You boys are amazing. You were a handful and a trial at times, but you are good boys. What has happened to you in the past few years I know I didn't have any say in, or any participation in. Adults make their own choices, and I know as a grandparent or as a parent we have to let go of those choices. But right now I can’t keep my mouth shut anymore. I'm seeing some of the choices you're making, and I feel like you're getting pulled along this trajectory by Ken and his expectations and his grief. But you’re allowed to change direction. You’re allowed to make choices for yourself. You’re allowed to think about yourself.”
“That’s exactly what Sabine said just a little while ago.”
“She’s a smart girl.”
Silence drifted up between them, as the words they had just exchanged seemed to need space to shift, then to settle.
Tanner dragged his hands over his face, blowing out a heavy sigh. "I feel like I've been carrying so much the last few years. I feel like I'm carrying Ken, and I've been carrying this grief for Paulette and for Dana."
"Since that evening in the barn with Sabine, you seemed to have dropped some of that grief."
Tanner shot her a surprised look. “How do you know?"
"Tanner, you're my grandson." She pushed her bowl of yogurt aside. "I saw the relief on your face that evening. You looked more relaxed than you have for a long time. You are allowed to love this woman who has come into your life. Who, I believe, God has placed in your life. Since you’ve met her, spent time with her, I see a happiness I’ve never seen in you before. Don’t throw this away.”
Tanner released a light laugh then blew out a breath.
“I care for her, you know.”
“I do know, and I think she feels the same.”
His grandmother’s words were encouraging, holding out a hope he didn’t feel he deserved. “So that's where some of my confusion comes in. I really care for her. In fact, I think I'm falling in love with her. And it's creating a situation I don't know what to do with. I made a deal with Ken—”
"You are not responsible for that man's happiness. He has to deal with his grief in his own way. He’s trying to fill the holes in his life with the wrong thing. I actually think you might be doing him a favor by not going into business with him. I think he needs to find his own path through this grief he’s still carrying. I know he lost a daughter and granddaughter, but it's been three years. I'm not trying to disparage his loss, I know what that feels like. And I also know that you can’t keep looking back. God gives us time for a reason, and we have to use that time to heal. Don’t give up on Sabine just to try to assuage some guilt Ken keeps dumping on you.”
It made so much sense the way she said it. It all seemed to come together so well with what Sabine had told him. And it almost seemed too easy.
“Sabine’s not the only wise woman in my life,” Tanner said with a crooked smile.
"I don't know if I'm so wise. I like to think God has given me some measure of experience that I can draw from." She moved closer to Tanner and clasped his hands in hers. "I know you've been angry with God for the last few years, but right now I think we need to talk to Him about your problem."
Tanner clung to her hands, letting her be, once again, the rock she had always been in his life. The one steady force he could always count on.
"I guess that can't do any harm," he said.
"God is not an insurance policy," his grandmother said, her tone firm, gentle but chiding. "He is someone who wants a relationship with us, and I think you better accept that right now. Accept what He wants to give you and has been trying to give you the last few years. Comfort, and strength, and your own wisdom to make a decision that’s not only best for you, but that’s best for Sabine and her daughter. Because you are an amazing man and you have a lot to offer her.”
“Even though I don’t own my own place anymore? My own home?”
“Home is more than a place, you know,” his grandmother said. “And if Sabine truly cares about you, she won’t care what earthly things you have to offer her.”
“Do you think she cares enough to forgive the mistakes I’ve made?”
“I know she does.”
Tanner gave her a gentle smile, hope surging in his heart, filling his soul.
“Now, let’s pray about this. Put your concerns in God’s hands.”
And holding each other’s hands, they bowed their heads, and together they brought Tanner's situation to the Lord.
Before she ended her prayer, Nana added, "...and please be with Hailey and Dan and Natasha now that they are back. Be with Tanner and Shannon in the decisions they are making. Open Garret’s eyes to Your love as well. He too is seeking You even though he doesn't know it. Give Naomi strength to take care of Billy. And give me strength to take care of my grandchildren.“ She kept her head bowed a moment longer, as if giving time for the prayers to ascend to God.
Tanner let her prayer settle in, tried to feel God's presence, and to his surprise, he felt a gentle flow of peace washing over his soul.
He sorted through his thoughts, and he realized what he needed to do.
What he was allowed to do.
Chapter 14
“And how are you feeling?” Sabine packed the sandwich container into Olivia’s backpack, looking across the table to where her daughter sat, doodling on a piece of paper.
“I hope I haven’t forgotten how to spell.” She looked so serious that Sabine had to stifle her laugh.
“I’m sure you’ll do just fine,” she said, zipping up the backpack.
Her encouraging words were as much for herself as for her daughter. Sabine knew too well what it was like to start a new school and make new friends. She knew Olivia was still struggling with the fact that she had left her good friends behind. However, on the flip side, they hadn’t heard much from them since she came here other than the occasional text on Sabine’s phone. They were busy with their own lives, but still.
Sabine had been sending the occasional text to her friends too, but they couldn’t seem to connect with what she was talking about.
Her phone dinged, and she lifted it up, pleased to see a message from Shannon.
The text consisted of a crying emoji and a little girl running and a school.
Sabine sent back a thumbs up. It was such a simple exchange, but for her, also in a new place, the small connection gave her a warm fuzzy.
But Shannon is leaving too.
The insidious voice slipped into her mind, and Sabine pushed it off.
One thing at a time. One relationship at a time. Nana Bond told her she would take her to the book club. She could meet some people there, which would be nice.
“All right, missy. I think we can head out.” She glanced at the clock. They were plenty early, but she wanted to give them enough time.
Olivia frowned as she finished up the doodle she was coloring. “I think my stomach is a bit sore,” she said, giving her mother a plaintive look.
“I’m sure it is,” Sabine agreed. “It’s called being nervous. But I’ll be with you, so you won’t be alone.”
“Will you stay with me the whole day?”
“I’ll be there for most of the day.” She had to leave at noon to meet with Mr. Anderson to arrange for the cows to be moved to the ranch tomorrow. That thought made her stomach feel a bit sore. To have the cows finally here. She also had to make final arrangements to lease a tractor, something that also made her stomach sore. More money pouring out when none was coming in.
That’s ranching, she reminded herself. Nothing, nothing, and then a huge wave of cash when the calves were sold.
“Let’s go,” she said to Olivia.
She took Olivia’s hand and together they walked out to her truck and got in.
But just as they were driving past the house, another vehicle drove up.
Ken, Sabine realized, her heart twisting at the sight.
He pulled up beside her, stopping, his window sliding down. Sabine sensed he wanted to talk to her.
“So, is Tanner around?” he asked.
“Sorry, I don’t know where he is. He might be at the other house.”
“No. I checked there.” His eyes latched onto her, and she sensed he wanted to say something. She wasn’t sure she wanted to hear it, but it would be rude to just drive away.
“So, things are finally falling into place with the business takeover,” Ken said with a broad grin, as if Sabine should be as glad as he seemed to be.
“Glad to hear that.” She wasn’t at all. In all the conversations she’d had with Tanner, she had assumed, hoped maybe, that things were turning around. That Tanner would recognize what was happening between them. That he would change his mind.
“This is a fantastic opportunity for Tanner,” Ken continued. “He’ll finally make some decent money. You know, the ranch didn’t do that well the past few years. And hopefully it will give him a chance to finally get past Dana’s death.”
Sabine just nodded, not sure where Ken was going with this, but fairly sure she wouldn’t like where it ended.
“He loved her so much,” Ken continued. “He grieved her death so deeply.”
“And Paulette’s as well, I’m sure,” Sabine couldn’t help saying, annoyed with how the man consistently avoided talking about his granddaughter.
“Of course her too,” Ken quickly added. “So I’m sure you realize that this partnership we’re going into will be good for Tanner. It’s the right thing for him to do. You understand that, don’t you?”
Sabine kept her mouth in a tight smile, wishing he would say goodbye, each word of his like a tiny lash, an underline to her own concerns and uncertainties.
Why did you think anything would change? You pushed him, and he made his choice.
But oh, how it hurt. How it twisted in her heart.
She swallowed down the knot of pain that thickened her throat, determined not to show this man any shred of the emotions that roiled through her.
“I’m sorry to be rude,” she said, keeping her smile pasted in place, “but I’m taking Olivia to school. It’s her first day, and I should get going.”
“Of course. I understand. Tanner said he was meeting me here. I imagine he’ll be wanting to pick up some of his things before the final takeover date which is...”
“Monday,” Sabine said, though she wasn’t sure what things Tanner had here yet.
“Okay. Well, you take care, and good luck with the ranch.”
“Thanks for that.” Sabine gave him a tight nod, slipped her sunglasses on, pressed the button to roll up her window, and drove away.
“He’s kind of a funny man,” Olivia said, a frown creasing her forehead. “It’s like he says one thing, but his voice says something else.”
“What do you mean?” Sabine didn’t really want to talk about Ken anymore, because that meant acknowledging the fact that Tanner was, indeed, leaving.
“He said good luck, but it didn’t sound like he meant it.”
Her daughter was far more perceptive than Sabine gave her credit for.
“Sometimes people just say things to be polite.”
“Will it be a lot of work? The ranch?” Olivia sounded worried.
“It will,” Sabine admitted. “But it will be so worth it. It will give us a good life.”
Olivia nodded, looking ahead. “I like it here. I like going riding. I sure hope Mr. Tanner can take us again.”
And this was exactly why Sabine asked Tanner to keep his distance from her daughter, which was ironic considering that when she first came here that’s exactly what Tanner had been doing.
She felt so mixed up and confused. So torn and hurt.
She genuinely thought she and Tanner had shared something singular. Something worth building on.
Guess he didn’t think so.
Another quick swallow stifled the tears that threatened. There was no way she was crying. She had done that enough with Tim, and before him, her father.
You should have known better, she chided herself. Men don’t make sacrifices.
She blinked furiously behind her sunglasses, thankful for their small protection.
“Look, there’s Mr. Tanner,” Olivia called out, pointing down the road they had just turned onto. “What is he pulling?”
Sabine couldn’t look away.
Tanner was pulling a large flat deck trailer.
To take away whatever it was he had left on the ranch.
He was leaving.
“Are you serious? You’re really pulling out on me?”
Ken just stared at Tanner, mouth open in disbelief.
They were standing by Tanner’s truck, which was hooked up to the trailer he had rented specifically for today.
“You know things haven’t been going smoothly on this whole transaction—”
“That isn’t my fault—”
“I know. I know,” Tanner said, lifting his hands to try to placate Ken. “But I think it’s a portent of things to come. I believe that God is trying to tell me something and that something is to not follow through on this business. My heart isn’t in it.”
