Discovering Truths, page 14
He shook his head and stood up, walking to the door. He peeked through the peephole. “There’s nobody in the hall now if we want to make a run for it.” He said.
He was ignoring everything I said, and that made me mad. I was pouring my heart out and he gave no response. It made me think he was just as fake as Marcus.
“That’s it? You have nothing to say?”
“I don’t know what to say,” he said. “You’re right, I can’t be mad. I don’t know why this has me feeling all weird.”
“Well, do you want to just end things?” I asked.
He narrowed his eyes. “Abby, don’t be dumb.”
“Well!” I exclaimed. “I obviously have enough going on; I don’t want problems with you too. I love you, and if you don’t feel the same, then we need to stop this before my heart becomes more invested than it already is.”
“I do love you,” he said, crossing the room. He pulled me into him and nestled his nose in my hair. “So much.”
“Are you sure?” I asked.
“I’m positive.”
His words were enough assurance for me to go back to my place of temporary contentment. My relationship with Gage was the one thing that kept me sane, so for it to be disheveled was something I couldn’t handle.
Eventually, we escaped the room and went our separate ways. Every time we pulled apart, I felt like my heart broke a little. Not only because I didn’t want to leave him, but because of the whole situation…my life. I wished things were different, simpler.
As I pulled out of the parking lot, my mind was on overload. My husband was a short distance away defying me and our marriage, and had been for a long time. I was disgusted at myself for thinking that he and I could ever reconcile. That wouldn’t happen in a million years. I knew Marcus, and if he ever found out what I’d done, everything would be on me, even though deep down, he was the root of all our problems. It was him that led me to this place. He’d made me crazy. At some point, this would all have to stop and I knew I was going to have to be the one to end it. We couldn’t continue like this forever. What would it take for me to grow the courage and let go? Why am I still holding on?
***
Melinda and I slumped down on the couch and took a long breath. We’d just finished moving the last of her things into her new two-bedroom apartment on the beach. It was so cute, and I was jealous. It was modern and sleek, just her style.
Things with Jon had ended quickly, and they were now separated. They were both out of their house and it was on the market. She had her own place and was starting a new life. Maybe she’d be an inspiration and I could get moving on my relationship troubles. Doubtful.
“Well, you did good,” I said, walking to the sliding glass door that overlooked the water. “This place is gorgeous.”
“I’m excited to have my own space. I’m ready to move on. It’s sad, you know…divorce sucks, but I had to do what I had to do for me.” It was still a hard concept to grasp. I’d been thinking lately that maybe marriage wasn’t even worth it anymore. Could anyone fully commit?
“Yeah,” I said. I couldn’t elaborate because I didn’t want to get into it with her about love and relationships. When it came to my life, I was on my own…and that was scary. My mind wasn’t exactly the safest place to be.
“What’s the deal with Marcus?” she asked. So much for not elaborating.
“It’s the same as it always is. No changes,” I said. “I saw him at a hotel the other day with a woman. I only saw the back of her head, but I’m pretty sure it was Katie from his office. Yep, they’re still going strong.” I laughed, but it wasn’t funny.
“How did you see him at a hotel?”
Crap. I walked right into that one. I paused, knowing that she’d know I’d be lying if I tried to make an excuse. I let out a deep breath, preparing myself to tell her the truth.
“I was there…with Gage.”
“What?” she yelled. “Abigail West! Are you serious?”
“Yeah…”
“I thought you were done with him! How long has this been going on?”
“We’ve been back together about two weeks now.”
“Back together? What, like you’re a couple or something?”
“He calls me his girlfriend…we say I love you, Mel.”
“Have you lost your freaking mind? Abby! What happened to ending things with Marcus before you go and do something stupid again?”
“You need to calm down. Also, it really pisses me off that you say it’s stupid. It’s not stupid to me, or him. We love each other. Yes, our situation sucks, and we are going to handle it when the time is right, but Melinda, I’ve never loved someone so much in my life.”
“Abby…” she said, sighing. “I don’t know what I’m going to do with you. I mean really, I just feel so bad for you. Your life is so chaotic.”
“You’re telling me. I’m the one living it.”
She went to the kitchen and pulled a bottle of wine from a box, then fished through another where she found two glasses. She poured them full and handed me one. I wasn’t much of a wine drinker, but I took a long sip immediately. At this point, I needed anything to calm my nerves.
“I’m sorry I exploded,” she said. “I know this isn’t easy for you. I get so frustrated because I love you so much and I hate to see you in such a mess.”
“It’s okay. I mean, I get it. Gage and I aren’t doing things in any kind of traditional way. Really, it’s ass backward. I just can’t control the feelings I’ve developed for him. When he admitted to me that he felt the same way, I knew it was something I couldn’t ignore. We have to do what we have to do until we’re able to be together.” I downed the rest of my wine and sat the glass on the coffee table.
“Although I hate everything about this, I can understand loving someone so much that you’d do whatever you had to do to be with them. I wish things were different for you.”
“You have no idea how much I wish that too. If I’d only met him at a different time….”
***
When I made it home that evening, I couldn’t wait to get inside, take a shower, and forget about the day. If things didn’t always enter such a negative space, I’d survive a little better, but it always came down to the fact that everything I was doing was wrong. Trust me, I knew.
Before I went inside, I pulled out my phone to send Gage a message and let him know that I had made it home. Marcus was inside and probably in our room on one of his devices, and I didn’t want him creeping over my shoulder. After a couple glasses, the wine made me feel a little sloshy and all I yearned for was a peaceful sleep.
As I made my way up the stairs, his voice coming from our room grabbed my attention. I slowed my steps as I crept around the hall, doing my best to listen in on his conversation.
“We can get together next weekend,” he said. “I’ve got to take her somewhere this weekend. I promised I would.”
I had to stifle a laugh. He was so full of shit it was comical. He didn’t promise me anything; he merely suggested we go away. If it were up to me, we wouldn’t be going anywhere. I had no desire to do anything with him. I had hoped he’d forget or get busy. No such luck.
“I can’t leave her yet,” he said. Then he paused, listening to whoever it was on the other end of the line. I assumed it was Katie. “We have a lot invested. It’s not going to be that easy.”
My mind was blown. He had been contemplating divorce. To any other person, this conversation would destroy an entire life. Nothing affected me anymore. I’d read online that with some depression medication you start to not give a damn about anything. With my dosage increase, I think I’d reached that point.
What kind of woman was this Katie? Messing with another woman’s husband? I’d give it to her, she was young, beautiful, and successful, but couldn’t she find another man…one that wasn’t taken? I wondered how she felt after she came face to face with me at the hospital last year. Did it affect her at all, or was she that heartless? Then I thought about me…basically in the same position. I didn’t feel bad about it, though, and I assumed she didn’t either. It came down to that one simple fact: I didn’t give a damn about anything anymore.
I decided to make my presence known, although I didn’t understand how he hadn’t heard me open the garage or walk through the door. He must’ve really been into his conversation. I went into the bathroom in the hall and flushed the toilet, coughing loudly as I washed my hands. If he didn’t hear any of that, that was his own problem.
When I entered our room, he laid there on the bed doing something on his tablet.
“Oh, hey,” he said. “Get Melinda moved?”
“Yeah, she’s all in,” I replied, heading to the closet. I ripped off my clothes and went straight to the bathroom. As I walked naked across our room, I thought about how I used to want him to touch me. Now, the thought of him coming near me made me sick.
“Crazy about her and Jon,” he said, following me into the bathroom. I started the water and climbed in the shower.
“Yeah. It’s crazy. But whatever makes them happy.” I said.
“So, I’ve been looking at hotels for us to stay at this weekend,” he said. My only guess was that he changed the subject because he didn’t want to talk about divorce, or doing whatever makes you happy. I wondered how long it would take before he caved. How long would he be able to keep his secret?
“Oh yeah? I know you’re busy. If it’s too much, we don’t have to go right now,” I said, hoping for my out.
“Nah. I need to get away. A weekend isn’t going to hurt. I was thinking we go somewhere close, just get a hotel and chill…like we used to back in the day.”
Weekends away were something we used to do frequently. His income allowed us the freedom to go anywhere we wanted at any time. We’d often find a nice hotel and spend the weekend there relaxing in different scenery. Only now…I didn’t want to go down memory lane, yet here I was.
“Sure. Whatever. You figure it out and let me know.”
“Well, since you’re already off on Fridays, I figured I’d take this Friday off as well and we could head out, then come home Sunday.”
Three full days with him. Ugh. I’d gotten so used to spending time alone, I was dreading being with him. There was so much between us that was unsaid, it was difficult to play along and pretend like everything was okay. I wasn’t sure why I wanted to anymore. With everything I knew, and the conversation I just heard, I didn’t understand what kept me locked in. By this point, I was angry with myself for my conflicted feelings.
“Sounds good,” I said, rubbing shampoo through my hair.
“You okay?” he asked.
“Yes, I’m fine. Why?”
“You’re being really short.”
Or was he asking if I was okay because he thought I might’ve heard him on the phone and his paranoia was taking over? That was a good possibility.
“I’m tired. Melinda and I worked our butts off all day. I want to get this shower over with and crawl into bed.”
“Okay, well I’ll leave you alone. I’m going to head to bed myself.”
“Goodnight.” I said.
“Night.”
Chapter Twenty-Seven
As the week grew closer to its end, I dreaded telling Gage that I was going away with Marcus for the weekend. Things between us had gone back to normal, despite our minor hiccup at the hotel. His demeanor changed that day and genuinely scared me. His actions almost made me think twice about everything I was doing. As bad as it was, he was the only good in my life. I needed us to be okay. We’d met twice since then, both times in his truck, and it was like there was never anything wrong. When he touched me and told me he loved me, I’d never felt more alive. He was exactly what I needed. I’d had the opportunity to tell him both times I saw him, but I never did. I didn’t want to see his reaction when I delivered the news. Although he and I were secret, I knew he wouldn’t like the fact that I was going to be alone with Marcus for a whole weekend. I opted for a text message instead.
Me: So…Marcus and I are going away for the weekend.
Gage: Where?
Me: I’m not sure. I don’t even want to go. I tried to get out of it. To be honest, I don’t even know why he’s trying. It’s like he’s forcing something that isn’t there.
Gage: Well have fun.
Me: Have fun? Are you serious? Are you mad?
Gage: Not going to lie, not too happy about it.
Me: Babe…we are married, I couldn’t exactly tell him no. You’re in the same position as me, so you can’t be mad.
Gage: I know. I’m not mad at you. Anything that has to do with him just pisses me off.
Me: The other day, after I moved Melinda, I walked in the house and caught him on the phone with the woman he’s been seeing.
Gage: Seriously? What did he say?
Me: He doesn’t know that I know. I was in the hallway and heard him talking. Apparently, he’s been waiting for the right time to bring up divorce, but he can’t do it quite yet. At least that’s what he said to her.
Gage: What a piece of shit.
Me: Exactly. So don’t be mad…or paranoid. Trust me, I will not be having a good time.
Gage: I can’t wait for the day when things will be different.
Me: You and me both, baby. I love you.
Gage: I love you.
Our love was toxic, but held a force so strong, I couldn’t pull away. Oh, how I wished that Gage was the person I’d be spending my weekend with.
***
Marcus pushed my bag in the compartment and shut the trunk. Here we go. A weekend full of fake love, happiness, and a whole lot of awkwardness. If he thought that I didn’t know there was something up between us, he really was an idiot. I knew he hadn’t a clue about my life, though. He’d have already lost it on me. He was absorbed in his own discretions; he didn’t have time to worry about me.
We stopped for an iced coffee and made small talk as we drove to our destination. The entire ride, I couldn’t help but compare Marcus to Gage. They were total opposites, and the more time I spent with Gage, the more I realized that his type was what I wanted. Marcus drove a fancy car, whereas Gage had a big, manly truck. Gage worked in a car shop and drank his coffee black, and Marcus spent his days in an office, dressed in a suit, with an iced coffee. I’d spent my whole life thinking that Marcus was the one for me, only to discover so many truths about him, myself, and my entire life…those truths changed everything.
We’d been driving a little over an hour and a half when we arrived to Daytona. We pulled up to a lavish hotel on the beach and I’ll admit, it was gorgeous. I still wasn’t thrilled about my company. Marcus carried our bags to the front desk and checked us in. I followed him up to the room, and it didn’t disappoint. The bed was huge, with a white comforter and big, fluffy pillows. The walls were painted grey, and all the décor was white and black. Everything was modern and fancy. The bathroom was equipped with a large soaking tub and marble floors. As I stood in the room, taking in the beauty of it all, I’d never felt more out of place. At one time, I lived for this lavish lifestyle, but it wasn’t me anymore. Making it through the weekend wouldn’t be that difficult, but I surely felt out of place.
“I thought we’d go down to the beach for a bit, then come back, get ready and go to dinner. What do you think?”
“Sounds good.” I said. I grabbed my bathing suit from my bag and went into the bathroom to change. I opted for a one piece, hoping that I would come across less attractive. I didn’t want to be touched. I’m so bad.
When I came out of the bathroom, he was in a pair of swimming trunks with his sunglasses on his head, packing our beach bag. I noticed him slip his tablet in, so I went to my bag, grabbed my book, and tossed it in too. Hopefully he’d stay on his tablet, I’d read my book, and communication between us would stay at a minimum.
We walked down to the crowded beach and planted our umbrella in between the sea of people.
“I’m going to go get my feet wet.” I said.
“I’ll join you.” He replied.
We walked down to the water and it felt refreshing against my hot skin. I’d lived in Florida my whole life and still never adapted to the hot weather. It was like a totally different kind of heat. I was never big on frolicking in dirty ocean water, so after walking around for a few minutes, I headed back to our chairs and umbrella. I made myself comfortable and grabbed my book. Despite the person accompanying me, relaxing on the beach with a book made for a great day. Marcus pulled out his tablet and started typing away.
“Work stuff?” I asked. The small talk was my attempt to act like I actually cared.
“Yeah, I’m sorry. Nothing major, just responding to some e-mails.”
“Oh, I don’t mind.” I said.
“Well I said I was going to put work away for a few days.” He said.
“Really, I don’t mind. You do what you have to do.” I insisted. That was my way of saying, keep doing what you’re doing and leave me alone.
I grabbed my cell phone and took a picture of my legs sprawled out on my beach chair with my book in my lap, the ocean in the distance. Underneath it I wrote relax and sent it to Gage.
Gage: You should be with me.
Oh, how I wished I was.
***
That evening, Marcus dressed in a pair of camouflage shorts and a black polo. He didn’t often go for such a casual look, so I assumed our dinner place wasn’t as elegant as he usually selected. I threw on a blue dress with my silver, dressy sandals, and twisted my hair into a cute bun on top of my head.
We arrived at one of those beach side restaurants, and I followed him inside. I pretended like I didn’t notice him try to grab my hand as we weaved through the people. It was packed, but we luckily didn’t have to wait, and were escorted to our table immediately. I wished he’d go to these kinds of places more often. I didn’t understand why everything always had to be so fancy.
