Discovering Truths, page 11
Again, not a territory I wanted to enter. I’d have to find a way to skirt around the truth.
“Like before, my marriage is rocky. Like, really rocky.” I said.
“I remember you telling me that. Did you mention couples counseling with your husband?”
I had no interest. “Honestly, no. I know he wouldn’t go.”
“You never know for sure until you try. He sees that there’s a problem, he sees that you’re struggling. You need him; you’re not in this alone.”
But I am. That’s what I couldn’t tell her. He didn’t care about counseling, and he didn’t care how I felt. Our marriage was a fraud, and I wasn’t sure how it was even still pieced together at all.
Doctor James went on about the usual things that all psychiatrists have to say. I needed to make sure to get enough sleep, exercise, and take vitamins. She encouraged me to make sure I was in my best health physically, as that would improve my mood. Sure. Those were all things she had to say. Hopefully the higher dose of medicine would help. I wasn’t sure what else I came here expecting.
She strongly encouraged me to make another appointment, so we could try to strategize a plan of treatment. I told her I’d make the appointment online because I wasn’t sure of my schedule. That wasn’t true. The truth was that I wasn’t sure if I was strong enough to bring myself back.
The rain had lightened up, but it still continued to drizzle outside, making for an all-around nasty day. I skipped Yoga and went straight to the pharmacy to pick up my new prescription.
To my surprise, Marcus was already home when I got there. All the lights downstairs were off, so after removing my wet shoes and jacket, I headed upstairs. The lamp in his office was on and he was working diligently on his laptop.
“Hey,” I said, standing in the doorway.
“Hey,” he said. “You go to Yoga?”
“Not tonight. I had a doctor’s appointment.”
“What kind of appointment?” he asked.
“Just a regular check-up,” I lied. “Speaking of doctors, have you made an appointment? I know it’s been a while since your incident, but I really think you need to go.” I’d been pressuring him for a while to go to the doctor. He still occasionally complained of chest pains, and his blood pressure wasn’t very consistent.
“I just haven’t had the time to make the appointment. If you make it, I’ll go.” He said,
“You know you can do a lot of this stuff online now?” I asked, joking.
“I didn’t know that.”
“I got you,” I said. “Pizza for dinner?”
“Sounds good to me, babe.”
It was the most normal interaction we’d had in a while, although deep down I knew nothing was normal at all. I grabbed my laptop, ordered a pizza for delivery, and then headed over to the doctor’s website to find a cardiologist that would see him without a referral. The doorbell rang and the pizza arrived before I completed the process, but I finally had it finished.
“Your appointment is next Tuesday at eight a.m.”
“Perfect time. I can go there then go straight into work.” He said. “Thanks honey.”
“Sure.” I said.
We had pizza in front of the TV and we actually talked that night. We talked about work, and our families, and I couldn’t help but wonder if he was still being deceitful. I had given up on spying. It caused too much hurt and I’d seen enough, but did his affair still exist? There was a part of me that wished things were repairable between us. I never wanted my life to go this way. I wasn’t sure when the cycle of madness would end.
***
I was halfway through my workday and getting ready to take my lunch break when I saw a text on my phone from Melinda. It was sent at nine a.m. that morning, but I’d been so busy, I hadn’t even glanced at the device.
Melinda: URGENT! ARE YOU THERE?
Melinda: PLEASE LOOK AT YOUR PHONE.
Me: What’s wrong???
Melinda: I need you! Are you going to lunch? It’s almost twelve…
Me: Yes. I am. What’s up?
Melinda: I need you to go to that restaurant over there by the aquarium. He’s going to be there soon. At least, he’s supposed to be. See who he’s with!
Me: How do you know? Did he tell you? I’m sure if he told you, he wouldn’t be doing anything he shouldn’t be.
Melinda: He left his e-mail up on his computer this morning and I don’t know who the recipient is, but it said Kristen Miller. I don’t know if its work related or not. I’m stuck at work and can’t get out.
Me: I can’t believe you’re making me go over there with that traffic. That’s going to take my whole hour.
Melinda: Please! I’ll buy you dinner!
Me: I’m kidding. I’m in PI mode. I got this. I’ll let you know.
Melinda: Thank you, Abby. You’re the best.
I let Mike know that I might be a few minutes longer than an hour, and then I headed out on my mission. I figured if I was going to have to spend my lunch break stalking, I was at least going to get a decent meal out of it. I spotted Jon and the woman at a table in the middle of the large dining room. I requested a seat in the back corner, hoping that I would go unnoticed.
I couldn’t hear the conversation, but I noticed a lot of laughing and flirtatious gestures exchanged. She’d put her hand on his leg, and he’d touch her arm. I snapped photos in between bites of a grilled chicken sandwich. I noticed the check was delivered and he threw down a card, ushering the waitress away as the girl tried to protest. Soon, they were leaving, and I didn’t have a way of following them without being spotted. I watched out the window as they exchanged a hug and took off their separate ways. I wasn’t sure about the status of their relationship, and I knew that wasn’t news Melinda wanted to hear. She was tired of being in limbo. She just wanted an answer.
Me: Mission accomplished.
Melinda: And??
Me: I’m not sure that there’s anything going on, Melinda. They were laughing…and they were flirty…which, if it’s just business, it was a little inappropriate, but I’m still not sure that there’s more to it. It could have very well been a work meeting.
Melinda: Flirty?? How??
Me: Leg touching…arm touching…a hug before they left, but that was all I saw.
Melinda: Did you get pictures?
Me: Well, yes, of course.
Melinda: I want to see.
Me: Okay. When?
Melinda: Skip yoga. Come straight to my house after work.
Me: Okay.
I was becoming a slack Yoga student, but my friend came first. Hopefully I could ease her mind, and not make the situation worse. I was glad the attention was off of me. My situation was…still messy, but I was dealing with it on my own. Melinda thought all was well. She thought I was on my way to getting a divorce and everything would be fine. I admitted to her that I loved Gage, but I wasn’t sure that she actually understood the extent of it. I couldn’t spend any more time explaining myself to people who didn’t understand. Dealing with it internally was my only option. For now, I was glad to focus on something else.
***
“Alright, let me see,” she demanded. I’d barely made it through the front door. She was there waiting for my phone with her hand out.
“Where is he?” I asked.
“He won’t be home for another hour.”
I pulled out my phone and showed her the pictures. She scrolled through, studying each one intently before she handed my phone back to me.
“I’ve never seen her before.” She said.
“Have you seen everyone he works with?”
“Well, no, but I know a lot of them.”
“Has he mentioned her before? Any special projects coming up?” I asked.
“Not that I recall.”
“Well, I know it’s not what you want to hear, but I’m not completely convinced that there’s something going on here. Of course, the flirting does concern me, but still…”
“I don’t know how else I will find out. I guess I’ll have to keep my eyes and ears open. I can’t ignore my gut feeling.”
I didn’t want to play the other side any longer, or try to dismiss her emotions, because I understood how she felt. Strong feelings are the result of the importance that something holds in your life. If there was anyone who understood that now, it was definitely me.
That night was like any other. I made a small dinner and placed a plate in the microwave for Marcus to re-heat whenever he made it home. Who knew when that would be? I hadn’t noticed a difference in my meds yet, but I was sure it would take some time before it kicked in. I opted for sleep. It was the only time my mind was ease, and even then, it wasn’t completely. Gage often appeared in my dreams, reminding me that I was still holding on to a love I couldn’t ignore, despite all my efforts.
Chapter Twenty-Two
June 2018
The seasons changed and the Florida heat was taking over once again. Stepping outside was a work-out, drenching you with sweat in minutes. I’d seriously considered moving to another state once I left Marcus, but where would I go and what would I do? My best friend and all the family I had were here in Florida. I felt alone now, but if I moved states, I’d literally be alone.
There was no change with Marcus. We played the part of the happy married couple every single day, when deep down I knew the truth. Our “problems” had been going on for well over a year, so why was I still holding on? Better question, why was he?
Thoughts of Gage still lingered in my mind, but as the months passed, they slowly diminished. I still loved him, but I had come to accept the fact that he would never be in my life. He ruined me.
We’d found no solid proof that Jon was cheating on Melinda, but she still wasn’t convinced that he was being truthful with her. Occasionally she’d send me on a wild goose chase, but for the most part, everything concerning him seemed legit.
I’d been at my job for almost a year and I loved every minute of it. Being out of the house and doing something felt great, and I genuinely loved my job. Mike kept saying that he was going to retire soon and I’d be taking his position. Although I loved the thought of moving forward in the company, I couldn’t stand the thought of him leaving. He was one of the main reasons I enjoyed getting up and coming to work every day. Not only did he make work fun and exciting, I’d learned a lot from him, and we’d developed a strong friendship. I’d tell him he was too young to retire and pray every day that it wouldn’t happen any time soon.
I’d saved enough money that I could comfortably move out on my own without any help from Marcus, yet, I held on…
It was like any other Monday. Marcus was already gone and I rolled out of bed, pushing myself to the bathroom to start my shower. I brushed my teeth as I waited for the water to heat, and once it was ready, I climbed in. When I was finished, I wrapped myself in a towel and followed my normal routine, drying my hair and applying my make-up. As I waited for my curling iron to heat, I walked out to my bedroom and grabbed my phone. This was all a part of my morning routine. I did the same thing every day. I checked the weather, news, Facebook, and e-mail before I did my hair.
When I reached my e-mail, the phone nearly slipped out of my hand when my eyes landed on the letter that awaited me.
To: Abby West
From: Gage Atwood
This couldn’t be real life. What could he possibly have to say to me? I didn’t think I’d ever hear from him again. Emotions took over as I thought about the contents of the e-mail. Just when I thought I could get over him, something happened to pull me back in. Although I wished I could ignore him, I knew I’d never be able to. I clicked the message and tried to prepare myself for whatever came next.
Abby,
I will completely understand if you delete this, but I hope you don’t. I’ll also understand if you reply with a big F you, but I hope you don’t do that either. I hope you take a minute to hear me out.
It’s been almost six months without you and I’ve never been more miserable in my life. I made a huge mistake by ending things with you. To be honest, I was overwhelmed. Everything had become too much and I was worried that my feelings were becoming too strong. That’s hard for me to say because I’m a guy and I don’t talk about feelings, but I’m telling you now because I hope you’ll consider giving me another chance. I miss you so much. I miss talking to you every day, I miss our lunch dates, I miss our truck dates…I miss it all. We were on the same wavelength. We understood each other.
I know this is a lot to take in. Please think about what I’ve said before you respond. Please also know that I mean every word I say. I really messed up and I see that now. I hope to hear from you soon.
Gage
I sat the phone down beside me and stared off into space, processing everything I just read. Am I dreaming? I had hoped that I would receive a message from Gage, but now that I had, I didn’t know how to respond. Part of me knew that if I got involved with him again, I would just be setting myself up to get hurt. The other part loved him so much that I didn’t care what might happen. What about what could happen?
My heart was conflicted. I wanted to respond and tell him how much I missed him too, but the other part of me wanted to tell him where he could shove his sweet words. Although I wanted to believe them, I couldn’t help but wonder if it was all a bunch of bullshit lines because he missed only our physical connection.
I didn’t know what to do. How was I ever going to make it through my workday like this?
***
Focusing on my work was nearly impossible. The only thing on my brain was Gage and the unexpected e-mail. When the afternoon finally rolled around and it was time for lunch, I walked outside to my car and climbed in, turning on the air full blast. All morning I’d been thinking about if and how I was going to respond. I wanted to be strong enough to dismiss him, but I couldn’t. There was no more thinking to it. All I’d hoped for was to reconnect with him, and now was my chance.
I grabbed my phone from my purse and pulled up the app. I wasn’t going to write another e-mail. I didn’t want to wait for a response. I wanted to talk to him now. I un-blocked him on Messenger and searched for his name.
Me: Hey. Got your e-mail. Thought this would be quicker.
It was only a few seconds before the dots started jumping and his reply came through.
Gage: You had me worried. I wasn’t sure that I’d hear back from you.
Me: I took the morning to think about everything…figure out how I wanted to respond.
Gage: I understand that. I know it was a lot that you probably didn’t expect, but it was all true, Abby. I’ve missed you so much.
Me: I’ve missed you too Gage. Do you realize how bad you hurt me?
Gage: I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to. I feel so stupid now. You are so beautiful and we have this crazy connection…
Me: I’ve barely got you back and I don’t want to run you off…but I’ve got to be honest. I told you when we first started talking that I didn’t want to get caught up, and then I told you when I felt like I was. Losing you made me realize…I love you Gage.
Gage: Oh my gosh, Abby, I love you too. I was scared to say it…scared to believe it. But I love you too. So much. Being apart was torture.
A tear slipped down my cheek and I wiped it away as I smiled. I couldn’t believe what I was reading. He loved me. I wasn’t crazy. We shared the same feelings. I always thought this was too good to be true, but something about him made me believe him.
Me: Are you serious?
Gage: I’m dead serious. Abby West, I love you so much.
Me: I’m crying.
Gage: Don’t cry!
Me: They’re happy tears, trust me. Being without you has been…awful. It’s been bad, Gage. I don’t mean to be dramatic, but I don’t think I’ve ever felt this strongly about someone.
Gage: I won’t hurt you again. I promise.
I hoped that was a promise he could keep. My life depended on it.
Me: How have you been?
Gage: Besides missing you like crazy, I’ve been alright. How about you?
Me: Same crap.
I’d never told Gage about my depression and it wasn’t a story I planned on diving into. That was a part of my life I liked to keep to myself. Melinda knew a little, but she still didn’t know the extent of it. The dark cloud that hovered over me was slowly making its way out.
Gage: Can I see you tomorrow? It doesn’t even have to be a big thing…I just need to see you.
Me: Nothing would make me happier.
I sat in my car for the whole hour texting with Gage. You couldn’t slap the smile off my face if you tried.
I strolled back to my desk feeling like a new woman. My perky mood was noticeable.
“Good lunch break?” Mike asked.
“Actually, yes.”
“Good.”
He probably thought I was a nut-job. I had so many back and forth moods and he picked up on all of them. Hopefully this new happiness was here to stick around. Given our situation, I probably put too much faith in Gage, but the love I had for him was so powerful, I instinctively gave him all my trust.
I hoped all of this was right. I couldn’t handle another heartbreak. That was one thing I was sure of.
***
When I left work and headed for Yoga, the traffic was a nightmare, but it didn’t seem to bother me. I wasn’t sure there was anything that could bring me down from my current state of bliss. I wanted to feel like this forever.
The phone started ringing in the car and Melinda’s name flashed across the screen.
“What’s up?” I answered.
