Discovering Truths, page 10
Me: I just need you to be there. You’re the only person that knows. I don’t know how I can get through this. I guess I just have to forget about him. I don’t have a choice.
Melinda: You know I’m always here. We need another girl’s night.
Me: I know I said I’m never drinking again, but at this point, I could use a drink…or two.
Melinda: Tomorrow night?
Me: Count me in.
That conversation went better than I expected, but it still didn’t help my somber mood. How do you forget about someone when you’re in love with them? I would have done anything I possibly could have done for Gage. If he told me tomorrow he was getting a divorce, I’d do the same. My feelings were too strong, and not reciprocated. I deserved better than that.
***
Two drinks in and I was feeling good. I promised myself, Melinda, and Marcus that I wasn’t going to get completely wasted like the time before. Marcus probably didn’t care. He was thankful for the free night. He did what he wanted anyway, but with me out, I’m sure his guilt wasn’t as strong. Did he ever feel guilty to begin with?
I was on my fourth mixed drink when bravery struck.
“I’m going to text him,” I said, pulling out my phone.
“Who?” Melinda asked.
“Gage.”
“I thought you blocked him.”
“I did. I’m going to un-block him, and then send him a message telling him how much he sucks.”’
“Ab, don’t do that,” she said, reaching across the table. She grabbed my phone out of my hand before I could realize it. “Just leave him alone.”
“Why should I? He needs to know how much he hurt me,” I said, lowering my voice. I shook my head and looked up toward the ceiling. Don’t cry. He’s not worth it.
“Abby, honey, he probably doesn’t even care.”
She was right. He probably didn’t. And that sucked even more.
Melinda tried to distract me by talking about work, Jon, and anything else she could come up with. Between her babbling and the drinks, I wasn’t exactly sure what was going on anymore.
“I’m going to have to go to the bathroom,” I said, standing.
“Don’t text him.” She warned.
“I can’t. You still have my phone,” I reminded her. I assumed the alcohol was starting to cloud her mind too.
I stood in the long bathroom line, wondering why we always selected popular, crowded bars. If this line didn’t get moving, someone would soon be cleaning up a mess.
Finally, I made it to a stall. As I sat there doing my business, two women having a conversation outside caught my attention.
“When are you getting your car back?”
“I don’t know, but hopefully soon. It’s been in the shop forever.”
“Where’s it at again? Do they even know what the problem is?”
“It’s at that place in Cocoa…the big one. You know…Tommy Atwood’s…his son took it over.”
Atwood? They were talking about Gage’s shop. I flushed the toilet and stepped out quickly to wash my hands.
“I don’t mean to interrupt, but I heard your conversation. The owner’s name is Gage, right?”
“Gage! Yes! That’s it.”
“You need to get your car out of there immediately. He screwed me over bigtime. He’s a huge jerk.”
“Oh my gosh, really?”
“Really. He is horrible to work with. High prices too…”
“Thank you so much for the info. I’ll have to come up with another plan.”
I laughed the whole way back to table. Yeah, that was a bitch move.
***
Melinda and I were done. I wasn’t completely wasted, but the alcohol had done its job. I was feeling pretty good.
“Let me call Jon,” she said, pulling out her phone. She handed me mine and I checked it, but I don’t even know why I bothered. It wasn’t like I was expecting a message from anyone, and my husband wouldn’t bother to check in on me. I shoved it in my purse and rolled my eyes.
“He didn’t answer,” she said. “Weird. Let me text him.”
She texted him, we waited ten minutes, then she called him again. No answer.
“What the heck! I’m starting to get worried.”
“Let’s just get an Uber,” I suggested. “Maybe he’s at home and fell asleep.”
Melinda ordered us a ride with the app on her phone. I could tell she was distraught and ready to get home. Ten minutes later, we were being picked up from the bar. Our driver was a cute, young girl, early twenties I’d guess. She drove a new Toyota Corolla and she greeted us with her bubbly personality once we sat down in the backseat.
“Okay, don’t break any laws, but if you could just get my friend home as quickly as possible please. Then you can drop me off.” I said to the girl.
“Sure thing,” she said.
When we arrived to Melinda’s house twenty minutes later, she had the door opened before the girl came to a complete stop.
“Text me and let me know everything’s okay.” I said.
“Okay. Goodnight.” She said.
“Night.”
I suddenly felt sober. I hoped everything was okay for Melinda.
I chatted with the girl on the ride over to my house. I learned that she was in college for business and I told her some of my story about my degree and new job. I really didn’t like to use Uber because you never knew what kind of whack job you could end up riding with, but we lucked out with her.
It was midnight and Marcus still wasn’t home. Just a typical Friday night in the West household. I wasted no time in putting on my pajamas and crawling into bed. I should have been tired, but I was wide awake. I was all alone in a dark, big, quiet house, and I couldn’t stop my mind from wandering to Gage. I missed him so much it hurt. When my mind was occupied, I thought I’d be okay, but it was times like these that I didn’t know if I’d actually make it. That was a problem considering I spent a lot of time alone.
Something had to give. My sanity depended on it.
Chapter Twenty
Pulling myself out of bed in the morning was a difficult task. I thought I was depressed before, but nothing compared to how I felt now. After I discovered that Marcus was having an affair, my whole world was crushed, but my feelings quickly turned to anger. With Gage, it was different…like a whole different kind of heartbreak. Maybe that was my karma for the way I handled everything. Maybe I deserved this.
I wanted to hate Gage so much, but I couldn’t. The love I had for him overshadowed all the other feelings, and that’s what I hated.
Melinda: You’re good with PI, right? I need your help.
What is she talking about?
Me: Huh?
Melinda: I think Jon might be cheating.
Okay, she’d really lost it. Maybe my whole situation had made her paranoid because there was no way Jon would do that to Melinda. He worshipped the ground she walked on.
Me: Lol. Mel. You’re joking, right?
Melinda: No.
Me: What makes you think that?
Melinda: He wasn’t home last night and he didn’t get here till almost four in the morning. He said he was with his brother and some friends. Yeah right. They never stay out that late.
Me: But he goes out with his brother often…right?
Melinda: It’s becoming too often. And they usually don’t stay out that late.
Me: Are you sure you’re not overacting?
Melinda: I just have a bad gut feeling. And why didn’t he answer my calls or texts?
Me: Now that…I don’t know.
I still thought she was crazy, but I’d help her. Maybe it would take my mind off the mess that was my life.
Melinda: I’m just starting to get paranoid.
Me: Alright. We’ll do some digging. First things first…why don’t you try to jack his phone?
Melinda: I’ll try…if I can ever get it away from him.
For Melinda’s sake, I hoped this was all in her head. I knew the pain she’d suffer if it turned out to be true. Unfortunately, I also knew what it was like to be on the other side of the situation. I hated myself for that.
***
Marcus was gone for the weekend, and although I hated being around him, part of me wanted him home. At least when he was there, I could try and focus my attention somewhere other than my sadness. I’d rather fake it and play house with him than feel like my whole world was falling apart. The depression medicine I took wasn’t working. I knew this time that I caused most of the depression I felt, but I needed some sort of help to get back on the right track. I had to move on with my life. I couldn’t stay stuck in this funk forever.
I knew that I eventually had to leave Marcus. There was no way I could stay with him given everything that had happened…on both ends. I didn’t know what was stopping me from leaving. I was saving every penny I made from working and I told myself that once my bank account had a nice cushion, I was out. I think the fact that I had never been by myself is what was stopping me. I went from my parent’s house, to a college dorm with a roommate, to living with Marcus. I’d never lived by myself. I was basically on my own now. I could do it. I just needed the push.
As I sat in my house alone, sulking and feeling sorry for myself, I decided to do something I’d always dreaded before. I logged on to the website for the office of Doctor James. Maybe if I talked to someone, I could make sense of my feelings…my life…my purpose. Prescriptions couldn’t be the only answer. There had to be more. Maybe if I’d tried a little harder the first time I’d seen her, I wouldn’t be in this predicament now. I’d always believed that everything happened for a reason. The stars aligned as they should.
I submitted the form online for an appointment after work on Monday. I didn’t know what I’d say, or where to begin, but I knew I had to try something and this was a start.
I couldn’t help but wonder what Gage was thinking. Had I crossed his mind? Did he regret his decision? Part of me wished he’d reach out somehow and tell me he made a mistake. I blocked him on Messenger, but if he wanted to get ahold of me, he’d figure out a way. Then I thought about now and all the hurt he’d caused me. Why would I ever want to associate with someone who’d brought me so much pain?
Because my love for him was so strong that nothing else mattered and that’s why moving forward was so difficult.
***
Two Days Later
Melinda: I can’t get ahold of the phone.
Me: Are you still having suspicions?
Melinda: Yes. He says he’s going over to his brother’s this evening to help him with something. Can we follow him?
Me: Are you sure you want to do all that?
Melinda: Yes. I have to know, Abby. It’s going to drive me crazy.
Me: Okay…do you have some kind of plan?
Melinda: That’s what I was counting on you for.
Me: How far away does his brother live? And what time is he going?
Melinda: He’s heading over there around seven. And he lives about fifteen minutes from us.
Me: Alright…I’ll be heading your way soon. I’m going to hang back…like down the block, but where I can still see your house. When I see him leave, I’ll swing in and get you and we’ll try to trail him. Be ready, but don’t make it look too obvious that you’re going out somewhere. Okay?
Melinda: Okay.
This was just another day in the book of crazy that was my life. Taking some of the pressure off of me was a relief, but I really hoped this was all paranoia. If her suspicions turned out to be true, was there any hope left in the world, or were most human beings incapable of monogamy?
Marcus: Be home late.
Of course you will.
Me: Going to Melinda’s.
He didn’t reply because he didn’t care. That was fine. It was what I had come to expect. I threw myself together and jumped in the car. Time to focus on something other than my no-good husband and my despairing feelings.
Me: I’m here.
Melinda: Okay be on the lookout. He’s getting ready to leave.
I watched the house intently, waiting for Jon to exit. After a few minutes, the front door opened and he walked out to his truck. After he was out of the driveway, I pulled in quickly and Melinda rushed out the door. She hopped in my car and we took off.
“Alright, I’m going to try to catch up to him, but not get too close.” I said.
It wasn’t long before we found him. Three cars were ahead of me so I put all of my focus into following him, and remaining unseen.
“Is this the way to his brother’s house?” I asked.
“Yes.” She said.
I didn’t say another word. I knew her adrenaline was pumping and I didn’t want to get her riled up.
Ten minutes later, we were pulling into a fancy neighborhood.
“This is where his brother lives.” She said.
“What do you want me to do?” I asked.
“Turn down that road,” she said, motioning to the left. “He’ll go in the opposite way, and we can creep from the corner for a few.”
I followed her directions and we hung back, just as I did at her home earlier.
“Nice house,” I said. “What does his brother do?”
“He’s an engineer.” She said.
“That explains it. Is he single?”
“Abby,” she said, smacking my arm. “You’re not divorced yet! But yes, he’s single, and I think that’s part of the problem I’m having with Jon right now. I think his bachelor ways aren’t a good influence on Jon.”’
“Well, Mel, I mean, he hasn’t exactly lied to you…that you know of. He said he was going to his brother’s house and that’s where he is.”
She was silent for a moment, gazing out the window. “Yeah. I guess. You can just drop me back off at my house.”
“Are you sure? I’ll stay as long as you want. I have nothing better to do.”
“Just go. I don’t think I’m going to find out anything tonight. I’m not giving up, though. I can’t ignore my instincts.”
“Alright. Fair enough. Want to get dinner?”
“Dinner sounds good. Sounds a lot better than this.”
“I look like a ragamuffin. You good with that?” My hair was in a bun on the top of my head and I had on black Yoga pants with a grey hoodie. I didn’t think we’d be going out, but who cared anyway? Who did I have to impress?
“Have you seen me lately?” she asked. She was wearing jeans and an old Garth Brooks t-shirt. Her hair was in a ponytail and her face clear of make-up. She looked good to me, but if she didn’t have make-up on, she considered herself not presentable.
We went to dinner, but steered clear of any alcohol. We had tea and salads while we talked about how we felt that our lives were falling apart. Melinda was my oldest and best friend, and we’d been through many life experiences together. From high school, to college, to marriage, to our current dilemmas, she’d been there for me through it all, and despite not agreeing with every decision I made when it came to my issue with my husband, she still stuck around. She was the definition of a true friend. I didn’t want to see her hurt.
That night, we laughed and cried together. When I made it home, the overflow of emotions took over. My heart was broken, despite all my efforts to distract my feelings. I wasn’t sure that I’d ever recover.
Chapter Twenty-One
It had been raining all day and when I walked to my car after work, I noticed it continue to pour down in thick sheets. Dark clouds covered the sky, and all I wanted in that moment was to go home and put on my warm pajamas then curl up with a soft blanket. The dreary day certainly didn’t help my mood, which was even more of a reason why I needed to attend this appointment.
I drove carefully to the office…the rain always made me nervous. Once I arrived, I pulled my jacket over my head and ran inside. I checked in with the front desk and then sat down, my eyes roaming around aimlessly as I waited for Doctor James to call me back. I was proud of myself. I’d made it this far on my own free will.
“Abby West,” she said, opening the door.
Here goes nothing. I stood up and followed her back to the room. It looked just as it had before, with the black leather couch in the corner and incense burning. It smelled like Jasmine and I sighed, remembering that particular scent was believed to have calming properties, easing depression.
“It’s good to see you again, Abby. How have you been?”
I was relieved that she didn’t ask me why I stopped coming to the appointments. I was sure I wasn’t the only patient she’d dealt with that wasn’t too thrilled with her services.
I let out a deep breath before I responded. “Well…I was really good…then things got really bad again. And now I’m here…”
“What was good?” she asked.
I didn’t want to tell her the truth. That was my secret. I wanted a way to deal with the depression that had resulted because of it, but I couldn’t let the secret be known.
“I got to a point where I felt like I was handling things okay in my life…for the most part.”
“You’re still taking the meds, correct?”
“Yes, I’m still taking them.”
“What made you feel like you couldn’t handle your feelings anymore?”
I sat quiet for a moment, thinking of how I wanted to respond. “I’m not sure exactly. Everything became overwhelming. It’s like every time I think I’m good, there’s this devil on my shoulder telling me that I can’t do it on my own. He likes to remind me that my depression is still alive and well.”
“Not that I think it’s the only solution, but I will raise the dosage on your medication. For now, I think we should try to dig deeper as to what exactly is making you feel this way.”
