After they’d left, Jack gave me a look.

  “What? Why are you looking at me like that?”

  “You heard what Kit just said. They’re thinking of changing their careers, and all because of what happened in the marathon.”

  “So?” I shrugged.

  “So, the only reason their times were so bad is because you used magic to slow them down.”

  “Yes, but there was a good reason for that. If you remember, they were going to fleece us on the sponsorship.”

  “I still think you should say something to them, Jill.”

  “And what exactly would you have me say? That the only reason they performed so poorly is because I used magic to slow them down? Is that really what you want me to do?”

  “No, obviously you can’t say that.”

  “What then?”

  “I don’t know. It just seems so unfair.”

  “You’re too soft, Jack. They’d gladly have taken our money under false pretences. Anyway, never mind all that. I’m hungry. Whose turn is it to make dinner?”

  “It’s yours. I made steak and kidney pie last night.”

  “Did you? Oh yes.” I sighed. “To tell you the truth, I’m really in the mood for pizza.”

  “Fair enough. I’d be up for that.” He took out his phone. “I’ll order it now. What do you want?”

  “My usual, but with anchovies.”

  He looked at me like I’d grown a second head. “You hate anchovies.”

  “Well, I fancy some today.”

  ***

  “That was delicious.” I wiped a crumb from my lips.

  Jack stared at my plate. “You’ve left half of it.”

  “I ate all the anchovies.”

  “I think you must be sickening for something.”

  “I felt a bit queasy earlier, but I feel much better now that I have some food inside me. By the way, I went to Cuppy C today. The twins have decided to close down the cake shop.”

  “They’re closing Cuppy C?”

  “No, that’s what I thought at first, but they’re only closing the cake shop part of the business. The tea room will carry on as usual. Apparently, the cake shop hasn’t been paying its way for some time now, so they’ve talked to the landlord who has agreed that they can hand back that part of the unit.”

  “I assume they know what they’re doing.”

  “That’s quite an assumption, but they insist they’ve been through all the figures, and they’ve spoken to their accountant.”

  “I guess we’re not the only ones who are feeling the pinch at the moment.”

  “That reminds me.” I grabbed my bag and took out the leaflet. “Aunt Lucy gave me this.”

  “What is it?”

  I read it out loud, “Need extra cash? An ideal second income can be had by providing safe accommodation to ruby fairies during their hibernation season. Very little work involved.”

  “Ruby fairies? What are they?”

  “I’m not sure, but if they’re anything like starlight fairies, they’ll be tiny little things.”

  “The leaflet talks about fostering them. What would that entail?”

  “I have no idea, but if they’re hibernating, how difficult can it be? We’d probably just have to provide them with a warm safe place to sleep.”

  “Like where?”

  “Jeez, Jack, I don’t know. The airing cupboard, maybe.”

  “Will they let you bring them to the human world?”

  “I’m not sure. Maybe not, but it’s worth checking out. We could certainly do with the cash. I’ll give them a call tomorrow. It’s not like we have anything to lose.”

  “Okay. Go for it.”

  “By the way, it sounds like Peter’s in big trouble.”

  “Why? What’s he done now?”

  “Kathy came to see me today, and she was spitting feathers. Apparently, Peter took Mikey fishing the other day and while they were there, Mikey managed to persuade his dad to let him go go-karting.”

  “Really? That’ll be brilliant.”

  “Kathy doesn’t think so. Apparently, she and Peter had discussed it beforehand, and they’d agreed that Mikey wouldn’t be allowed to do it until he was older, but then Peter caved in. Kathy was not impressed.”

  “Do you think I’ll be able to go with them? I’ve always fancied go-karting.”

  “Don’t you have enough hobbies already? What with your ten-pin bowling and your train set? I thought we were trying to cut back on costs.”

  “Sorry, you’re right.” He sighed. “Go-karting would be a blast, though.”

  I’d just started to load the dishwasher when there was a knock at the door.

  “I’ll get it.” Jack jumped up.

  Moments later, I heard several excited voices in the hallway. I should have known better, but curiosity got the better of me, so I went to find out who it was.

  I shouldn’t have bothered.

  Tony and Clare, our next-door neighbours, were there. So too was Mr Hosey. All four of them were clearly excited about something. I wanted no part of it, so I turned to go back to the kitchen.

  I wasn’t quick enough, though.

  “Hi, Jill,” Mr Hosey said.

  “Hi,” Tony and Clare chorused.

  “Hello, you three.”

  “Would you like to come with us, too?” Clare said.

  The answer was almost definitely ‘no’, but to be polite, I felt I should at least show some interest. “Come with you where?”

  “We were just telling Jack that it’s TrainCon this Sunday.”

  “They’ve asked if I’d like to go with them.” Jack sounded as excited as a young kid on Christmas morning. “I’ve said I’ll go. Why don’t you come too?”

  “With you, Tony and Clare, and Mr Hosey?”

  “Yeah.”

  “And dress up as a train?”

  “That’s right.”

  “Err, let me think about that.” I paused, strictly for effect. “No, thanks. I’m going to give that one a miss.”

  “But it could be fun. You don’t have to dress up as a train; you could be a signal box.”

  “A signal box? Cool.”

  “Do you fancy it, then?”

  “No. I’m sure you four (saddos) will enjoy it, but I’m going to pass.”

  ***

  I was in the middle of a lovely dream, which for some crazy reason featured fluffy bunny rabbits and cocktails, when something woke me up.

  I checked the clock at the side of the bed to find it was two-thirty in the morning. Had I really heard something, or had I just imagined it? I rolled over and was about to try and go back to sleep when I heard the sound again: Someone was knocking at the door.

  Who could that be at this hour?

  I nudged Jack. “There’s someone at the door.”

  “Cabbages, please,” he said, without opening his eyes.

  “Jack, did you hear me?”

  Clearly, he hadn’t because he began to snore.

  Great! “I’ll go and check who it is then, shall I?” I threw on my dressing gown, hurried downstairs and put on the hall light.

  “Who’s there?” I shouted through the door.

  All I could hear was a kind of groaning sound, so I tried again, “Who’s out there?”

  The groaning continued, and then whoever it was pounded on the door again.

  “I’m going to open the door, but if you try any funny business, you’ll be sorry.”

  They would too. I was just in the mood to turn someone into a cockroach.

  I opened the door to find a zombie standing there. I was just about to blast it with the ‘thunderbolt’ spell when it spoke. That in itself took me by surprise because, although I’d encountered many zombies, I’d never heard one speak before. I had no idea that they could.

  “It’s me, Jill,” the zombie said.

  “Sorry, do I know you?”

  “It’s me, Ike Cann.”

  “Ike, what happened to you? Did you die?”

  “No, I’m still alive.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “Yeah. I know I look like a zombie, but I’m not really.”

  “You’re doing a very good impression of one.”

  “I know. That’s the problem.”

  “What happened?”

  “I fell out with my next-door neighbour who’s a wizard. To cut a long story short, he was the one who did this to me. He made me look like a zombie, knowing full well what could happen. If anyone from Z-Watch spots me, they’ll destroy me. I didn’t know what to do or where to go, but then I remembered that you’re a witch. I thought maybe you’d be able to help.”

  “How do I know it’s actually you, Ike? You could be anyone.”

  He thought about it for a moment. “I could tell you your passphrase. Would that persuade you?”

  “I suppose so.”

  “It’s ‘crazy just got crazier’.”

  “Okay, I believe you. You’d better come inside before someone sees you. Try not to drop any body parts on the floor.” He shuffled into the house. “Go and take a seat in the kitchen while I check my spell book, to see if I can find a spell that can sort this out.”

  Once he was in the kitchen, I went through to the lounge, and began to flick through my book of advanced spells. I’d only got a few pages in when I heard a yell. I rushed into the hall where I found Jack, looking as white as a sheet.

  “There’s a zombie in the kitchen.”

  “It’s okay. That’s not a zombie.”

  “Yes, it is.”

  “I know it looks like one, but it’s actually Ike Cann from Z-Watch. A wizard cast a spell to make him look like that.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “I’m positive. Ike just quoted my Z-Watch passphrase. Only he would be able to do that. Why don’t you go back to bed while I sort this out?”

  “Are you sure you’ll be okay?”

  “I’ll be fine. Off you go.”

  Reluctantly, he made his way upstairs, and I went back to studying the book of spells.

  Thirty minutes later, I joined Ike at the kitchen table.

  “I’ve been all the way through my spell book, and I can’t see anything that is going to sort this out.”

  “What am I going to do, Jill?”

  “You’ll have to stay in our spare bedroom tonight. I’ll go and talk to Grandma tomorrow. If anyone will know what to do, she will.”

  Chapter 4

  The next morning, at breakfast, Jack could hardly keep his eyes open.

  “Are you all right?” I said.

  “Not really. I couldn’t get back to sleep last night. Not with that thing in the next room.”

  “I told you that Ike isn’t a real zombie. He just looks like one.”

  “That doesn’t really help. Even if I’d managed to get to sleep, I would only have had nightmares. How long is he going to be staying with us?”

  “Hopefully, he’ll be gone before the day is out. That’s if I can get hold of Grandma, and she can tell me how to turn him back to his old self.”

  Those words were no sooner out of my mouth than my phone rang; it was Grandma. How did she do that?

  “Grandma, how did you know that I was going—”

  “I need you over here straight away, Jill. It’s a matter of life and death.”

  “What’s wrong?”

  “Just get over here. I’m at my house. Make it quick.” With that, she put the phone down.

  “I’ve been summoned by Grandma.”

  “What does she want?”

  “No idea. She didn’t say.”

  “You can’t leave me here alone with that thing upstairs.”

  “You have nothing to fear from Ike. He’s harmless.” I laughed. “He’ll be legless too if they drop off.”

  “This isn’t a laughing matter, Jill.”

  “Sorry, but I can’t do anything until I’ve spoken to Grandma. She’s the only one who might be able to sort this zombie thing out.”

  “Will you at least get him some breakfast before you go?”

  “I don’t have time. You’ll have to do that.”

  “What do you think he’ll want to eat?”

  “I don’t know. Human brains, maybe?”

  “That’s not funny.”

  “Just give him some Weetabix.”

  “I haven’t heard him moving around yet, have you?”

  “No. I’m surprised he isn’t awake because it can’t have been easy sleeping on the floor with your train set in there.”

  “I hope he hasn’t broken anything.” Jack frowned.

  “I’d better get going. When Ike wakes up tell him I’m trying to sort something out for him, will you?”

  “If I’m here. With a bit of luck, I’ll be gone before he comes down.”

  ***

  I magicked myself over to Grandma’s house. There was no sign of her downstairs.

  “Grandma,” I shouted. “Where are you?”

  “Up here in the bedroom.”

  “Are you poorly?” I hurried upstairs.

  “Not exactly.”

  “What’s the—” I stopped mid-sentence because I’d spotted the wart on the end of her nose; it was turning from red to amber and then to green.

  “What are you staring at?” she snapped.

  “Err, nothing.”

  “Now you see why I wanted you to come straight over.” She poked the wart with her finger. “It started doing this an hour ago.”

  “What’s wrong with it?”

  “If I knew that, I wouldn’t have called you, would I?”

  “Shall I call the doctor?”

  “That won’t do any good. I need you to find a potion to sort it out.”

  “I’m not too hot on potions.”

  “I know that. I wasn’t asking you to come up with one. I just need you to find Rhonda Rules.”

  “Who’s she?”

  “Rhonda is the last word in potions. If anyone will know how to sort this out, she will. I want you to go and find her, explain my predicament, and ask her to come up with a suitable potion.”

  I took out my phone and pointed it at Grandma.

  “Hey, what are you doing?”

  “I thought I’d take a video of the wart. It’ll be easier than trying to explain it to Rhonda.”

  “Okay, but just make sure you destroy it once she’s seen it.”

  “Will do. Smile for the camera.”

  She scowled. “That’s enough. Rhonda will get the idea.”

  “While I’m here, Grandma, can I ask you about a zombie-related problem?”

  “No, you can’t. Not until my nose is restored to its former glory. Go and find Rhonda.”

  “Do you have any idea where I should look for her?”

  “You could try asking for her at the Three Merry Turkeys. They’ll probably know where she is.”

  “Where’s that?”

  “It’s a public house in the marketplace, between the chiropodist and the artichoke shop.”

  “Okay, I’ll pop over there now.”

  I knew where the chiropodist was because I’d had to go there once before to pick up some bunion ointment for Grandma. The sign outside the public house next door was quite distinctive: A picture of three turkeys, who as the name suggested, looked very merry indeed.

  I’ve been in some dives in my time, but I can honestly say that the Three Merry Turkeys was the worst pub I’d ever had the misfortune to set foot in. The place was filthy and smelled awful. As I walked over to the bar, my shoes kept sticking to the floor. There were precious few windows, and those that there were, were covered in grime, and allowed practically no light into the place. On reflection, that was probably a blessing because I could already see way more than I wanted to.

  It was still early morning, but there were already a few customers in there. As far as I could make out, I was the only female present. Behind the bar, a wizard who had several days’ stubble, and a cigarette sticking out of the corner of his mouth, eyed me suspiciously.

  “What can I get for you, Missy?” As he spoke, ash dropped onto the counter.

  “I’m not here for a drink. I was told that I might find Rhonda Rules in here.”

  “Rhonda?” He wiped his forearm across his nose. “Oh yeah. She’s always here.”

  “Where will I find her?”

  “Upstairs in one of the bedrooms; she’s sleeping off last night’s session. I wouldn’t disturb her if you know what’s good for you.”

  “This is urgent. I need to speak to her straight away.”

  “On your head be it, then.”

  “Which room is she in?”

  “Your guess is as good as mine. There are only six of them up there, so it shouldn’t take you long to find her.”

  Once I was upstairs, I found myself in a dingy corridor, which was illuminated by a single low-powered light.

  The first door I tried was locked. The second one opened to reveal a big fat wizard, fast asleep on the floor; he was snoring his head off. The third room was unlocked, but there was no one inside. In the fourth, I struck gold. Fast asleep, on top of the bed covers, and still fully dressed, was a witch.

  As I got closer, I could see that she’d dribbled all over the pillow. It was not a pretty sight.

  “Rhonda?” There was no response. “Rhonda, is that you?” I gave her a little shake, but there was still no response. “Rhonda, wake up,” I shouted.

  She sat up with a start. “What’s going on? Where am I? Is there a fire?”

  “No, it’s okay. I’m sorry to wake you.”

  “What time is it?”

  “Just turned nine.”

  “At night?”

  “No, in the morning.”

  “What?” She slumped back onto the pillow. “Why are you waking me up at this time of day?”

  “Please, Rhonda, this is very urgent. I’ve been sent here by Mirabel Millbright.”

  “Mirabel?” She opened her eyes again and sat up. “What does she want?”

  I took out my phone and showed her the video of Grandma’s nose.

  Rhonda laughed. “Ouch! That hurts.” She rubbed her forehead.

  “Can you help? Do you know what could have caused this?”

  “Oh yes. I’ve seen that a few times before.”

  “What is it?”

 

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