“How did things develop from there?”

  “Alison was my first real girlfriend, so I didn’t have anything to compare it to. I thought it was going okay, but I know some people didn’t.”

  “Who?”

  “My housemate said she was just using me. And then there was a woman who I used to work with at the restaurant. She took me under her wing when I first started work there.”

  “Do you mean Susan Brown?”

  “Yeah. How did you know?”

  “I’ve spoken to her.”

  “Then you’ll know that she thought Alison was taking me for a mug. She told me Alison was always flirting with other guys behind my back. She was probably right, but I didn’t really care as long as Alison was still with me.”

  “How long were you two together?”

  “Not long. Just over two weeks.”

  “And how did it end?”

  “I’d arranged to go over to her flat. When I got there, she wouldn’t let me in. She said it was over and that she was dumping me.”

  “Did she actually use those words?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Nice. Did she say why?”

  “No, but I’m pretty sure she was seeing somebody else. In fact, I think there was someone else in the flat when I called around, which is probably why she wouldn’t let me inside.”

  “How did you feel when she dumped you?”

  “How do you think I felt? I was devastated. I loved her. People say I’m stupid when I say that, but it’s true, I did. I asked her to give me another chance, but she just laughed and slammed the door in my face.”

  “Were you angry?”

  “A little, yeah, but mainly I was upset. I would never have hurt her, though. I’d never hurt anyone.”

  “What exactly happened when she came to the drive-thru on the night she died?”

  “I was working at the service hatch when her face popped up at the window. I was shocked.”

  “Did she speak?”

  “Not really. She just asked for extra ketchup. It was like I was nothing to her.”

  “What did you say?”

  “Nothing. I just handed her the food and she drove away.”

  “One of the most damning pieces of evidence against you is the poison that was found at your house. How do you think that came to be there?”

  “I honestly have no idea. I’ve never bought poison in my life. I wouldn’t even know where to get it from. I tried telling the police that, but they didn’t want to know.”

  “If you didn’t buy it, someone must have planted it at your house, to frame you. Do you have any idea who would do something like that? Is there someone who had a grudge against you?”

  “I can’t think of anyone. I’ve racked my brain, but I haven’t been able to come up with a single person who would do something like that.”

  ***

  Jimmy and Kimmy had warned me that today was graduation day, and that there would be more clowns around than usual.

  As I walked towards the office building, I could see a crowd of them outside the door. I assumed they were chatting before they went inside, but when I got closer, I realised they couldn’t actually get through the door. This was the overflow.

  “Excuse me,” I said. “Can I come through?”

  A clown with a green nose, which struck me as rather unconventional, stepped in front of me. “There’s a queue here. You’ll have to wait your turn. And where’s your costume? Breezy and Sneezy made it quite clear we all had to wear them.”

  “I’m not here for the graduation. My office is at the top of the stairs on the right.”

  “Sorry, my mistake.” He turned to the others. “Everyone, let this lady come through, she works in one of the other offices upstairs.”

  I managed to squeeze my way through the door, but things were no better inside. The stairs were crowded, two abreast, with clowns. Progress was very slow, as I pushed my way from one step to the next.

  I’d almost reached the landing when, on the next to the top step, an argument broke out between two clowns who seemed to be having a disagreement over which was the best supplier of comedy bow ties. The one on the left insisted that Splash-O-Matic was by far the best, but his colleague argued that Soak-You was far superior.

  The clown on the right laughed out loud. “How can you claim that Splash-O-Matic is the best? Soak-You is miles better.” And to prove his point, he squirted a stream of water, which hit the other clown smack in the face.

  Infuriated, the clown on the left retaliated. Unfortunately for me, he did so just as I’d moved onto the same step. At that precise moment, the clown closest to me ducked, and I took the full force of the water in my face. I was saturated.

  The clown who had soaked me looked horrified, or at least I think he did. It wasn’t easy to tell under all that make-up. “I’m so sorry, lady. I didn’t see you standing there.”

  I was too angry to respond, so I hurried into the office.

  “Is it raining, Jill?” Mrs V said. “You’re wet through.”

  “No, it’s not raining. I’ve just been assaulted by a clown.”

  “There are rather a lot of them out there, aren’t there?”

  “Too many, in my opinion. But then, even one clown is too many.”

  I went through to my office where Winky was sitting on the sofa.

  “Laugh if you dare,” I snapped. “If I hear so much as one titter from you, the salmon ban will be extended to six months.”

  Chapter 18

  Water was still dripping from my hair onto the desk when Mrs V came through to my office.

  “Here you are, Jill.” She handed me a towel. “This should help.”

  “Thanks. Where did you get that from?”

  “I fought my way through all the clowns to Clown’s offices. With all the mess they must make down there, I figured they were bound to have some. I told Jimmy and Kimmy, or should I say Breezy and Sneezy, what had happened to you, and they were quite upset. They said they hoped you wouldn’t hold it against them.”

  “Of course not. It wasn’t their fault.” I began to rub my hair. “I’m glad graduation day is only once a year, though. Is it still as crowded out there?”

  “Yes. If anything, it’s even busier. I’ve never seen so many clowns in my life. The clown school must be doing really well. While I’m here, Jill, do you think I could just have a quick word on another matter?”

  “Of course. Grab a seat. Is everything okay?”

  “Yes, it’s just that there’s something I’ve been wanting to talk to you about for a few days now, and I wasn’t sure how to approach it.”

  “Why don’t you just come right out and say it. That’s usually the best way.”

  “This isn’t something that has ever happened to me before, so when the man phoned, I was a bit confused at first, particularly when he said he was a headhunter. I thought at first that he was some kind of crazy axeman, until he explained that’s what they call someone who works at a recruitment agency. He contacted me because they have a vacancy that he thought was ideal for me. It’s a secretarial position at a yarn company in West Chipping.”

  Out of the corner of my eye, I saw that Winky had jumped onto the sofa and was dancing around in obvious glee. I ignored him.

  “Was that the man I saw you with in Coffee Games?”

  “Yes. I hope you don’t think I’ve been underhanded in going behind your back.”

  “Of course not. Have you said you’ll take the job?”

  “No, I’ve just told the gentleman that I’m not interested. I’m perfectly happy working here. I’m too old and set in my ways for change. If the opportunity had arisen ten years ago, I’d have jumped at the chance, but now I’m happy to see my days out here.”

  “Are you absolutely sure? Please don’t feel you have to stay for me. I’d miss you terribly, obviously, but I—”

  “I’m not staying for you, Jill. I’m staying because this is where I want to be.”

  “What about the money? They must have offered you a decent salary.”

  “Money isn’t everything, dear. You’ll realise that when you’re older. Armi has a very good pension, which is more than enough for us to live on.”

  Winky was now slumped, despondent, on the sofa.

  “I realise this is selfish of me, Mrs V, but I’m really pleased that you turned the other job down.”

  “Me too.”

  As soon as she’d left the office, Winky jumped onto my desk. “Why didn’t you tell her to pack her bags and go?”

  “Because Mrs V is a valuable employee of this business.”

  “You could have brought Jules back.”

  “I like Jules, but Mrs V has been with me for a long time, and although you may not understand the concept of loyalty, I happen to value it very highly.”

  “What about my loyalty to you? Does that count for nothing?”

  “You wouldn’t know the meaning of the word. If someone offered you a better deal—more salmon for example—you’d be off like a shot.”

  “That’s true.”

  A few minutes later, Mrs V came back into my office.

  “You haven’t changed your mind about taking the job, have you, Mrs V?”

  “No, dear. Of course not. There’s a gentleman out there who would like to speak to you. He said it’s quite urgent. His name is Max Kirk and I think he said it was something to do with a waxwork.”

  Oh bum! I’d hoped never to hear from that particular man again.

  “You’d better send him in, please.”

  Judging by his expression, Mr Kirk was none too happy.

  “Hello again, Mr Kirk. To what do I owe this unexpected pleasure?”

  “Where is it?” he snapped.

  “Sorry? Where’s what?”

  “You know very well what. Your waxwork! What have you done with it?”

  “I have no idea what you’re talking about. I assumed it was still on display in the new arrivals section of the museum.”

  “It isn’t, as you very well know. It’s gone missing.”

  “Surely, you haven’t misplaced it already. That’s very careless of you.”

  “It’s been stolen.”

  “Are you sure? Who would do such—?”

  “Please don’t play the innocent with me, Mrs Maxwell. I was told that you’d paid a visit to the museum while I was on holiday.”

  “That’s right, I did. I wanted to tell you to take that awful waxwork down. It looks nothing like me.”

  “You’re no doubt already aware that I don’t believe that just any Tom, Dick or Jill should be granted a waxwork in the museum. I think they should be reserved for those who have made a real contribution to the arts. But, the powers-that-be ordained that you should have one, and having gone to the time and trouble of making it, I expect it to be on display.”

  “I’m very sorry, Mr Kirk, I really do wish I could help, but like I said, the last time I saw it, it was on display in the new arrivals section.”

  “I don’t believe you, Mrs Maxwell.”

  “Are you calling me a liar?”

  “Yes, I am. And as soon as I have proof that you stole it, I’ll be in touch with the authorities, and I’ll insist that the full weight of the law be brought to bear.”

  And with that, he stormed out of the room.

  “He didn’t seem very happy,” Winky said.

  “Apparently not.”

  “I wonder what would happen if someone was to send him a photograph of a miniature version of that waxwork.”

  “What are you suggesting, Winky?”

  “Just that if he were to receive such a photograph, might that be the evidence he needs to go to the authorities?”

  “That sounds suspiciously like blackmail.”

  “It does, doesn’t it?” He grinned.

  “What do you want?”

  “I won’t send that nice gentleman the photograph if you lift the salmon ban.”

  “You have absolutely no scruples, do you?”

  “Scruples? No. Salmon, though, I have plenty of that.”

  ***

  I’d ripped the advert for the humane trap shop out of CandleMag. For too long now, I’d been led a merry dance by those wood nymphs, and my attempts to trap them had so far come to nought. Weirdly, although the advert showed an address, it didn’t actually give the name of the shop. I assumed that must have been an error in the printing process.

  I magicked myself to Candlefield and made my way to the address in question. I’d expected to find a shop with a window full of traps and associated paraphernalia, but what I actually found was a cobbler’s shop. Perhaps the advert had not only missed out the name of the shop, but also showed the wrong address. If that was the case, there was a good chance that the owner of the cobbler’s shop might have been visited by other people who were equally confused by the ad. Maybe he would know the correct address for the humane trap shop; it couldn’t hurt to ask.

  The cobbler’s shop, which was very small and dimly lit, had the familiar smell of leather and glue. Standing behind the counter was an elderly elf who, at first, I thought had a cigarette in his mouth, but then I realised it was a stick of white chalk.

  “Hello, young lady.” He took the chalk out of his mouth. “How can I help you today? Are your shoes in need of repair?”

  “Actually, I’m just after some information. I ripped this advert out of CandleMag.” I handed it to him. “As you can see, it’s for a shop that sells humane traps, and the address given is this one. Now that I’m here, I can see that’s incorrect, but I wondered if you might know where this particular shop is located.”

  “You’re actually in the right place.”

  “Oh? But isn’t this a cobbler’s?”

  “It is indeed, but that’s not all we do.” He came out from behind the counter. “Would you care to follow me?” He walked over to the back wall, which was full of shelves containing all manner of shoe accessories: polish, brushes, laces, and shoehorns, to name just a few. He took hold of one of the brushes and pulled it like a lever. Immediately, a section of the wall slid slowly down into the ground, revealing a passageway.

  “This way.” He stepped inside and, after a moment’s hesitation, I followed him. The walls of the narrow passageway were cold to the touch. Gaslights, high on the wall, illuminated the way as we descended the steep slope. Eventually, we came to a large wooden door. The elf took a key from his pocket, unlocked it, and stepped inside, beckoning me to follow.

  The small room was full, floor to ceiling with all manner of contraptions—clearly traps of one type or another.

  “Tell me, young lady. What kind of trap is it you’re looking for?”

  “I’ve been having a problem with wood nymphs.”

  “I’m not surprised.” He nodded. “They can be very troublesome. What have you tried so far?”

  “I purchased a trap in the human world, baited it with pink marshmallows, which I was assured would attract them, but it didn’t seem to work.”

  “Pink marshmallows will attract them, but that’s no good if you don’t have the right kind of trap, and that’s the WN63. Would you like to see it?”

  “Yes, please.”

  He walked over to the far side of the room and came back with what appeared, to my untrained eye, to be a simple wooden cage, not too dissimilar to the one I’d used before, except that one had been metal.

  “There you are. The WN63. Isn’t she a beauty?”

  “It’s very—err—handsome, but it does look rather like the one I tried before.”

  “Looks can be deceptive. The problem with conventional traps is that they don’t take into account the wood nymphs’ special abilities. Not many people appreciate that they’re able to extend their arms, so they can reach the bait without ever having to step inside the trap.”

  “I see, but how does this trap address that problem?”

  “Allow me to illustrate.” He took out a packet of lemon sherbets from his pocket and placed one in the centre of the trap. “For the purposes of this demonstration, I’m going to have to ask you to imagine that’s a marshmallow.”

  “Okay.”

  “Why don’t you reach inside and pick up the sweet.”

  I hesitated. “It’s not going to hurt me, is it?”

  “No, you’re perfectly safe, I promise. Just reach inside and grab the sweet.”

  “Okay.” I put my arm through the opening, and tried to take it, but no matter how far I reached, the lemon sherbet always seemed to get further and further away. “How is that happening?” I pulled my arm back out.

  “That’s the WN63’s special properties. No matter how far you extend your arm, you’ll never be able to reach the bait. The only way the wood nymph can get to it is to climb inside the trap, and when he does, bingo!”

  “That’s quite ingenious.”

  “The result of years of research, no less.”

  “There are three of the little blighters. Will one trap catch all of them?”

  “It might, but to be safe, you’d be better using three separate traps.”

  “How much do they cost?”

  “We hire them out; the cost is ten pounds PTPD.”

  “PTPD?”

  “Per trap, per day.”

  “Right. In that case, I’ll take three of them, please.”

  ***

  When I arrived at Tea Time, Gabriella Wilde was already seated at a table. I recognised her because, as promised, she had a yellow handbag. I asked if she’d like another drink, but she said she preferred to get straight down to business.

  “I can’t stay long,” she said. “I have a hairdresser’s appointment in twenty minutes.”

  “Okay, I’ll make this as quick as possible. As you know, I’ve already spoken to the other members of the art society. According to them, you all chatted in the dining room for a while, then Lori went through to the kitchen to make drinks. It was at that point that the bees appeared, and you evacuated the apartment. Is that your recollection of the day?”

 

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