Last Chance Texas, page 23
“This could take a while, Nathan. Sure you’re up to it?”
He swung his leg over the side of the bed and climbed out. Grabbing a nearby chair, he swung it around and sat down, straddling it. When he leaned back, his gray eyes searching hers, she decided to tell him everything. From the very beginning.
~ ~ ~
Nathan decided that judging by the number of times Kelsey had begun talking, only to stop herself, talking about her past would be difficult. She sat upright on the bed now, keeping a safe distance from him. He twisted about the chair, stretching his arms, the fatigue from the long drive finally setting in.
“I married Kyle between my sophomore and junior year in college. God . . . I was so young.” She looked away briefly, shaking her head, as though the memory was proving painful. “He was three years older than me. I trusted him implicitly, believed everything he said.”
“I think most people in a marriage have that trust, Kelsey.” His intention had been to make certain she went easy on herself, make sure she didn’t come down on herself so hard for marrying young. But she didn’t appear interested in his defense.
“That may well be, but I was just about as naïve as they come. We were so happy, at least, I was. For nine years.” She stared over at Nathan again. “I’d wanted children, but had difficulty conceiving. On our ninth anniversary, I finally got pregnant.”
She looked past him now, staring out the window. When she finally made eye contact again, he noticed her eyes were beginning to pool.
“Kelsey . . . if this is too painful . . .”
“I want to tell you this, Nathan, because I think it’ll help you understand why I want this in vitro so much.”
“All right.”
“I’d just gone for a doctor’s appointment. Kyle said he couldn’t take the day off, so I went alone. My plan had been to go back to work after the visit, but after seeing the doctor, I was in such a good mood I decided to take the rest of the day off. Dr. Adams told me it was a girl . . . a baby girl.”
She stopped suddenly and brushed away the tears that had begun spilling down her cheeks. When he started to get up from the chair, she held a hand up, cautioning him not to.
Unable to come up with a way to comfort Kelsey, he decided to ask the obvious. At least, to him it was an obvious question. “What did you name your little girl?”
When Kelsey’s mouth widened, her dark eyes glistening with tears, he decided it’d been a stupid question, considering how emotional she’d become. To his surprise, she appeared to welcome the question. “No one ever asks that, Nathan. They act as though this tiny life never existed. It’s Emily . . . Emily Rose.”
“She must have been beautiful.” His voice trailed, and he found himself dreading what was to come.
“After the doctor’s appointment, I decided to surprise Kyle and take the rest of the afternoon off. I went straight home to cook his favorite dinner.” Her words came spilling out now, and Nathan decided what he was about to find out would prove unsettling. “The daffodils were in full bloom that day. I remember how the sunlight streamed through the trees as I went up the walk leading to the apartment. I climbed up the steps and unlocked the apartment door. And when I rushed into the bedroom to change clothes, I saw the two of them . . .”
Bolting from the chair, he rushed over to Kelsey. Grabbing her, he pulled her into his arms. He wanted to kiss her so much he ached. But he didn’t. “Oh, Kels. I’m so sorry.”
“I flew out of the room, and Kyle ran after me. I got to the steps of the foyer. I was screaming at him now, calling him every name in the book. And I forgot about the stairs . . .”
“You fell.” After he said it, she reached up, placing his arms about his neck. She was burying her face in his shoulders, and he could barely make out what she was saying.
“I tumbled backwards down the steps. The baby had been kicking when Kyle and I were arguing, but then, the kicking stopped. It stopped.”
Nathan’s mind raced as he recalled the angry words between him and Kelsey the night after they’d made love. How angry he’d gotten at discovering she wanted children. How he’d told her that since she and Kyle had been married for so long and didn’t have any, that he’d naturally assumed she didn’t want them. It wasn’t a totally ridiculous conclusion for him to have drawn, and considering all she’d just told him, his words must have broken her heart. He was slowly coming to the realization that he’d hurt her so deeply, the damage was irreparable.
~ ~ ~
Kelsey marveled at how cleansing it felt to talk to Nathan about her marriage. She told herself to stop because what she said appeared to be upsetting him. Still, there was more she needed to tell him. And while she wasn’t trying to scare him off, she realized that the next thing she said no doubt would.
“After I lost the baby, I did some things I’ve very ashamed of.”
His gaze held hers as he searched her face, waiting for her to continue.
“You don’t have to tell me anything you’re not comfortable with, Kels.”
The comment was so Nathan. He apparently felt more comfortable putting her on a pedestal. But she’d have none of it. “I was so angry, angry that Kyle betrayed me. I suppose I was trying to pay him back in some way. I . . . I made some bad decisions . . . about men, I mean.”
“You were grieving, Kelsey. People deal with grief in different ways.”
Don’t make excuses for me, please. Let me own this.
As he reached over, stroking her chin with his thumb, she decided that Nathan knew all he could handle.
“You’re probably right, Nathan. Grief does crazy things to people.”
“Yes, Kelsey. It does.”
“It changes who you are. Emily’s been gone for almost five years. I seriously wonder if I’ll ever get past this.”
“Give yourself time, Kelsey. It takes time. When Michele passed, I was angry as hell that she left me. It took months to even be civil. You’ll just take one day at a time, Kelsey. I know it sounds trite, but that’s really what you do. And then, one day, you get out of bed, put one foot in front of the other, and muddle through things. Then you do it the next day, and the next, and before long, you’ve made a habit of making it through each day.”
“Yes, I imagine that’s true.”
After she said it, his mouth tugged at the corners. “If anyone can get through this, Kelsey, it’s you. You’re a stronger woman that you give yourself credit for.”
“I hope so.”
He suddenly reached into his pocket, pulling several items out. “Oh, I almost forgot about these.” When he held up a necklace, identical to the one Kelsey wore, she gasped.
“It’s a Mizpah, just like mine.”
“My mother had this. She said Mimi always wore it.” As he held it up to Kelsey, his eyes glistened. “I suspect whenever she had it on she always thought of you.”
“You don’t know that for sure, Nathan.”
“Well, no. but I’m sure she did.” His need to reassure her proved touching, but she suspected he might be embellishing details to make her feel better.
“What’s that?” She pointed at the picture he was holding. He turned it over to her, rubbing the top of her hand as their fingers touched.
“Mom kept this for years. Mimi must have been in her twenties when it was taken. I’d never seen the photo, but when my mom met you the time Jessica ran away, the resemblance between the two of you just blew her away. It did me too when she showed it to me. That’s when I put it all together.”
They both stared at it, and she suspected that Elizabeth Wainwright must have thought she’d seen a ghost when she met Kelsey.
“I definitely look like her.”
“She was pregnant with you, Kelsey.” He said it with such tenderness that she had to compose herself before responding.
“Wow. That’s something.” The picture was bent at the corners, as though it’d been held a lot. Kelsey stared at the white dress Mimi was wearing, staring at it intently, trying to see if the pregnancy was visible. And then she saw the tiny bump; the baby bump that had been Kelsey. A rush of emotion nearly overcame her.
He reached for her hand, gazing down at her tenderly. As he swallowed several times, she suspected whatever he had to say would prove difficult. Finally, he spoke. “I understand now why Mimi gave you the land. At first, I didn’t. But now that I do, it all makes sense. It was wrong of me to try and keep the land, Kelsey. That’s something I’ll always regret. I made much too big a deal out of keeping the land.”
“That property has become a part of you, Nathan. I realize that.”
He stopped for several seconds, as though trying to get his bearings. And then he said something that stunned her. “I’m selling off the farm, Kelsey. All of it.”
“But you love the place.”
He quickly stood up, brushing some imaginary lint away. “I should get going. I’ve got a long drive ahead of me.”
“Not until you’ve slept, Nathan. I won’t hear of it. I’m going to go make some phone calls and help Meredith cook dinner. You’ll sleep for three or four hours and have dinner with us. Then you can go. And if you leave before I say so, I’ll hog tie you.”
His gray eyes twinkled and she realized her remark had amused him. He quickly dipped his head and muttered, “Yes, ma’am.”
The playfulness between them was resurfacing now, and suddenly Kelsey felt herself unwilling to let him go. But she had to, of course. For both of their sakes.
“Lay down, mister.” After she said it, his mouth tugged at the corners, as though he’d like nothing better than for her to join him. When he gave her his best Groucho Marx impression, arching his eyebrows, she laughed.
He flopped down on the bed, pulling the blanket at the bottom about him. When he rolled over on his side, one hand covering his forehead, she realized how exhausted he really was.
Staring over at him, she thought of the things she’d never told him. How, after they’d made love, she’d lied to him and pretended it was nothing more than a one night stand. Although he’d not reacted to the comment, she knew it’d hurt him.
She hadn’t intended to bring it up, but since he’d be leaving soon, she decided that now was as good a time as any to get everything out in the open.
As he lay outstretched on the bed, his frame so large his feet hung over the foot of the bed, she finally told him. “I need to tell you something, before I lose my nerve.”
“Sounds ominous.” His gray eyes lit up as she began pouring out her heart to him.
“When we made love that time.”
He stared, waiting for her to continue.
“I was angry with you about the land and I said some pretty cruel things.”
“There’s blame enough to go around.”
“Don’t let me off the hook, Nathan. Hear me out.” When he brought his fingers up to his mouth and signaled that he’d keep quiet while she spoke, she finally came out with it. “What we had wasn’t a one-night stand. I said that to hurt you. But it wasn’t true.”
~ ~ ~
Nathan hadn’t a clue where Kelsey was going with this. Her confession had stunned him. Did it mean . . . well, what the hell did it mean? She stopped short of telling him their relationship had a fighting chance. If it did, he wanted to know.
It was difficult to think clearly because he hadn’t slept in twenty-four hours. And maybe it was best he hadn’t slept. Maybe it took complete exhaustion on his part to muster up the nerve to ask a question that had been eating away at him ever since he’d arrived.
Reaching for Kelsey’s hand, he stared up at her, trying to get some kind of read. But he wasn’t all that great at reading people, and Kelsey was a very complex woman, so he abandoned the notion of trying to figure it all out. He’d just come right out and ask. “Any chance we could continue seeing each other?”
Her mouth opened slightly, her perfectly-shaped lips forming into the letter O. When the amber flecks in her eyes dimmed, he already knew her answer.
“It could never work, Nathan.”
“Care to tell me why?” He heard how tired his voice sounded and hoped she didn’t think he was whining.
“We’re two very different people, Nathan. For one thing, you’re from a small, tight knit community. And from what I’ve noticed, you’re just about as conservative as they come. I’ll bet you go to church every Sunday.”
“Come on, you can do better than that. What’s the real reason you don’t want to see me again?”
His remark appeared to frustrate her and she quickly tried to defend what she’d said. When she raised her shoulders and placed both hands squarely on her hips, he suspected a lecture would ensue. And he was right.
“I’m not looking for a relationship right now. I’m having this baby on my own, just like I planned. I’ve made arrangements to sell of the land. In May, when I have the money in hand, I’m going to get artificially inseminated. There’s no room in my life for anyone else, Nathan. It’s going to be just me and the baby.”
“You won’t even give us a fighting chance.”
“I was under the impression you didn’t want children, Nathan.”
“I never said that.” He hadn’t, not really. She was getting him on a technicality.
“After we made love, you balked when I talked about wanting a baby.”
“The comment that you wanted kids caught me off guard, that’s all. My god, Kelsey, I’m forty-two years old. I was shocked when you mentioned the idea of having kids, but I’m beginning to come around. I think the way I’m handling Jessica and Tommy proves that.”
That last comment seemed to take the fight out of her. Dropping her hands to her sides, she chewed her lower lip and looked upward, as though wondering what else there was to say. “I do have to give you credit for that, Nathan. You’re doing an amazing job raising them. But I’ve been planning this for a long time—planning to undergo in vitro—planning to raise the child on my own. It’s what I want.”
Unable to look her in the eye, he stared out the window, aware the woman he loved had already made up her mind.
Chapter 18
One month after he’d left Dallas, Nathan stood at the sink washing the supper dishes while Jessica dried them. He glanced over his shoulder at the outdated wall phone, wishing Kelsey would call.
Rachel made the trek to Alpine once every couple of weeks but said little about how Kelsey was doing. Just that she’d begun therapy sessions and had started painting again.
“I like this pretty glass, Nathan. “Jessica held it up in the air, but when she waved it in his direction she lost her grip on it. The glass plummeted to the ground as Jessica watched in horror.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to break it.” She dropped to her knees, picking up the shards of glass. “It was Ms. Michele’s favorite glass, wasn’t it? And I broke it.”
As tears streamed down her face, Nathan regretted sharing that information with Jessica. He’d made the remark casually, never dreaming Jess would take it to heart. But then, the nine-year-old took everything to heart. That’s just how she was wired.
“Sweet Pea. It was an accident. Don’t worry about it.” He knelt beside her and began helping her clean up the mess. “You’ll cut yourself. I’ll clean it up. Why don’t you start your homework? I’ll be up to help you in a few minutes.”
When she continued trying to clean up the mess, lamenting over what she’d done, Nathan added, “Jess. Come on. It’s just a glass. The main thing is that you’re all right.”
“I’m so stupid. I didn’t mean to break it.” Jessica couldn’t seem to let go of this, Nathan suspected that in Jess’s mind, there was some symbolism here that he couldn’t quite figure out.
He stopped what he was doing and lifted her up to him so they were chin to chin. “Listen, you need to cut yourself some slack. People break things all the time. And stop apologizing, honey. It’s okay. I promise.” He pulled her against him, kissing the top of her head.
“Okay.” Her little voice sounded thinner than usual as she gave him a hug. “I miss Kelsey. I wish she was here.”
Where had that come from?
“Do you miss her, too?”
“Sure, Sweet Pea. I do.”
“Is she ever coming back?” Jessica stared up at him, the tears by now completely dried up.
He didn’t answer for a few seconds, but as Jessica continued watching him, he decided this wasn’t one of those rhetorical questions she often asked. This was a real question that deserved a real answer.
Clearing his throat, he decided to resist talking down to the nine-year-old. “I miss Kelsey very much, Jessica. But you shouldn’t get your hopes up. She might not come back. I hope she does, but you shouldn’t count on it. Now you’d better scoot. It’s nearly bedtime. I’ll help with your homework and then we’ll say our prayers.”
“Okay. Should I get my jammies on first?” Her eyes twinkled as she headed for the living room. His heart swelled with pride at how far she’d come in such a short time. To his relief, she’d taken to living with him like a duck to water. It was Tommy who struggled. His grades were terrible, and he’d begun wetting the bed. And then there was the teasing. His speech made him an easy target. Kids could be so cruel.
With Jessica gone, Nathan quickly finished cleaning up the glass. Shooing the dog away, he quickly shoveled the shards into a dustpan and dumped them into the trash can. He watched the shards of glass wriggle down the sides of the trash bag, realizing of the set of eight, this had been the last one. Michele’s favorite set of glasses would be nothing more than a distant memory.
