Queen of the City 3: The Life of a Female Rapper, page 7
I came to her office the next day still feeling a little sick but I was used to it by now. I powered through it to the point that the symptoms became a part of me and it was like we learned to coexist together. Dr. Carter called me back to her office a few minutes after I checked in. She hugged me as if she hadn’t seen me in years and oddly, I was warmed by it. “So, this is your real office, huh?” I asked as I took my seat. “Yes. I just volunteer at the minute clinic when I can, but this is where I make my money.”
There were pictures of her around the room. Some by herself and others with different men, women, and children as if they were one big family. “Are those your kids?” I asked, looking at one of the pictures on her desk. “Children?” she smiled, “No, ma’am. Those are my nieces and my nephew. I don’t have any children right now.” She looked as if she was saddened by that fact as she continud,
“Yup, I chose to go ahead and get my career together before all of that and it turned out taking longer than I expected. Now, here I am, 41 years old, unmarried and childless.”
“Well, if you want, I can let you borrow my boy. He is one, and he is a handful sometimes!”
“Oh, you have a son?” she said. Her face was saddened when the words left her mouth, and it wasn’t the response I expected.
“Yes. His name is Prince Jones.”
She sighed, “Okay. Well, I think I just need to tell you why I wanted you to come in.”
She pulled some papers out of her folder and set them on her table. “Lyric, how long have you been sexually active?” I repositioned myself in my seat and laughed silently to hide some of the embarrassment.
“Why?”
“I’ll explain in a moment.”
By this time, I was comfortable with her, so I answered, “It’s been about seven or eight years now.”
“How many partners have you had?”
“Dr. Carter?”
“Trust me, Lyric. It is all for a purpose.”
“Okay. Two. Well, three actually.”
“Okay.” She sighed as she handed me the papers, “There really is no easy way to tell you this, Lyric. You have tested positive for HIV.”
I peered at her in disbelief, “What?”
“HIV. Now, before you panic, HIV is not AIDS. It is the virus, and it has the potential for turning into full blown AIDS but as of right now, it is just the virus.” She handed me another sheet of paper, “This is a specialized HIV clinic that offers to counsel and things of that nature. I can help you here, but they are much more equipped and can provide you in-depth resources and help for you.”
“Wait, what? What are you telling me? I am going to die?”
“No, Lyric,” she scooted closer to me and grabbed my hand as my nervousness increased, “Lyric, this is not the end of the world, alright? I want you to understand that—”
“Understand what? You just told me I fucking have HIV. HIV turns into AIDS and AIDS kills people.”
My voice began rising, and tears of anger and frustration filled my eyes. Dr. Carter spoke, but I heard nothing come out of her mouth. My life flashed before my eyes. The future I thought I would have with Prince faded away. The life I wanted to live after everything with Nas was taken care of suddenly disappeared, and I was left with images of headstones and funeral services. This cannot be real, I thought to myself as I glared at Dr. Carter. Her lips moved as she did her best to console me but I still heard nothing. For a moment, I was deaf, and the only thing that rang out was the heart beating inside my chest. I am dreaming, I thought to myself, come on Lyric, wake up. Wake the fuck up, Lyric! I waited for my eyes to open just in time to see Prince before he smacked me with one of his toys. I paused to smell the eggs and bacon that Stacey usually cooked in the mornings before I woke up just the way Big Mama had done before she died. I waited and waited, but nothing ever came. Dr. Carter was still in the room with me, speaking and holding onto my hand as her words crashed into my ears as if they were brick walls and fell to the ground. She scooted closer to me and suddenly, her voice pierced through my eardrums just before I blacked out.
I woke up in a bed inside one of the offices. When I opened my eyes, Dr. Carter stood right beside me. “Lyric, are you alright?” There were no tubes or anything in my arm, so I figured I was ok.
“Yeah, I guess so. What happened?”
“You fainted.”
“Why? How long have I been here?”
“Just about an hour or so.”
“Why did I faint?”
She walked over to the bed where I was laying down and held my hand, “You got some discouraging news about your health, Lyric.” Just then, everything came back to my mind. What I had hoped to have been a horrible dream turned out to be a reality. I lowered my head and cried out loud in front of her as she threw her arms around me. I couldn’t believe this had happened to me of all people. I never thought I would be one of the ones to experience this, and that is how it always goes. You never believe that it could happen to you, but it did. I was never one to expose my emotions this way, but there was nothing I could do to hold the tears in this time. Everything I was living for no longer mattered. The fact is that I felt I was going to die much sooner than I should have and the worst part about it was that I didn’t even know how it happened. How did it come to this? I thought to myself as I cried on Dr. Carter’s shoulder. This was the beginning of the end for me, and there was nothing I could do to stop it.
Chapter 10
I took the information from Dr. Carter and drove home about an hour later. Thoughts swirled around in my head and right now, I had no idea how I even contracted the virus. She said that I needed to get Prince tested because it may be a good chance that he contracted it himself depending on when I got it. From her, I found out that the virus could stay dormant for up to ten years before signs of anything showed. In those years, the only people I had sex with were Junie, Nas, and Keyonna and two of those three people were already dead. Immediately, I started to think of Nas. He told me that I was going to die a slow death and that, added to the fact that Malley said that he poisoned her, caused me to point the finger directly at him. “That muthafucka!” I said as my speed slowly increased along with my rage.
Just then, police lights flashed in my rearview mirror, and I resisted the urge to speed away from him. I pulled to the side, and he got out of the car and walked to the driver’s side window. “Do you know how fast you were going?” he asked, straightening out his hat. “No, but you do,” I responded, staring directly into his eyes.
“License and insurance, please.”
I handed the items to him and wiped the tear from my eye before it had a chance to fall. It was somewhere between that point and when he gave me my information back that I stopped giving a fuck about everything. He walked back to the car, “Okay, ma’am, I’m just going to let you off with a warning. Make sure you slow down around these parts, I’m sure the next officer won’t be as forgiving as I am.” I took my things from him and rolled the window up. Moments later, I was gone as he was left standing in the same spot, peering at me as if he regretted not writing me a ticket.
I walked into the door of the apartment as Prince reached for me. I glared at him, ignoring his outstretched hands as Stacey looked at me, “Lyric? What’s wrong?” I ignored her and went straight to my room, shutting the door behind me. Moments later, Stacey knocked,
“Lyric? Is everything alright? How did the doctor’s go?”
“It was okay.”
“Oh, alright. Well, Prince is out here crying for you. Don’t you want him?”
“I’ll be out there later. I’m just tired right now.”
There was a brief pause before she responded, “Okay, Lyric.”
I stayed in my room for the rest of the day. When I heard everybody in the house settle down for the night, I left and headed to Malley’s apartment. Deeko peered at me as soon as I stepped out of the car. He stood near his apartment with two other guys around him, but today I wasn’t with his bullshit. I closed my door and headed in his direction as he folded his arms across his chest. The two guys with him stayed in their spot, and as I walked closer, Deeko spoke out, “The fuck you comin’ over here with a full head of steam for? You don’t have shit to say to me.”
Just then, I took my pistol out and put it to his head, “Look, nigga, I’m sick of you lookin’ at me like you got a fuckin’ problem every time I come over here. If you got a problem, say it now, nigga? Talk!” He laughed to hide his nervousness, “Look bitch, you got one second to get that fucking gun off me.” I took it down to chamber the shot and quickly put it back to his head, “Or what?” His stare was cold. His jawbones gyrated inside his mouth, and his nostrils flared like a small bird spreading its wings for the first time. His boys stood up and pulled their pistols off their waists and chambered bullets.
“You think that shit scares me? If I die now, so be it, but this nigga is coming with me. You ready to die, Deeko?”
“Lyric, what the fuck?!”
I heard Malley’s voice from the window, but I didn’t take my eyes off Deeko, and he didn’t take his eyes off me. The standoff was brief as Quandra ran outside and stood between us. “You betta get this bitch,” he said when Quandra stood between us. I pointed the gun just past him and fired a shot right next to his head. He covered his eardrums and bent over, and the two men by his side flinched as if they didn’t have pistols in their own hands. “Bitch ass niggas,” I said as I put the warm gun back on my waist. I fully expected them to shoot me in my back as I walked away but I couldn’t care less. They wouldn’t have done anything but took my life for me instead of waiting for a slow ass death on my own.
I walked into the apartment as Malley was on her way to the door with a pistol in her hand. She glanced outside as I kept walking towards the back, ignoring the commotion that was brewing in the yard. Moments later she came back there with me, “Lyric? What the fuck is wrong with you? Why you out there bussin and shit? Blowin’ up the spot?” I slammed the door closed and walked over to the drawer and tossed her dildo on the bed. Moments later, I stripped down and bent over on the bed, “Fuck me,” I said as I propped myself up and waited for her to put it in. She laughed, “Damn, Lyric,” she said, “I see you horny as hell right now, huh?” I got up and pushed her down onto the bed, ripping her clothes off of her. After I had grabbed the toy, I rubbed it around her lips and then pushed it into her mouth slowly. She wrapped her lips around it and bobbed her head on it slowly, and I leaned over and joined her. We took turns placing our lips on it, kissing each other from time to time in the process.
I ran my hands down her chest until I got to her box and as she sucked on the dildo, I put my tongue inside of her until she started moaning. I licked all around it the way I loved to be touched. The way Nas and Junie did to me whenever they went down on me and made me cum in minutes. I looked up and caught a glimpse of her face as the toy was in her mouth and her eyes rolled back into her head. Just then, I got up and took the toy from her and put it inside of her and strapped it onto my waist. For a moment, I felt like Nas. The way he fucked me when I went to the prison. Hard, ruthless and without a care for how I felt. I pinned her legs behind her head, and as she screamed out, I put my hands around her throat, squeezing her neck tight and then releasing it. She collapsed her legs around my waist, and as soon as I felt them shake, I knew she was seconds away from her climax. Afterward, she snatched the strap on off me and worked me over. It was what I wanted and for whatever reason she didn’t want to fuck me before, it was no longer there. If she had the same poison I had then there was no point in holding anything back anymore, and if she didn’t give in, I would have taken it from her. She pulled my hair and slapped my ass, and I nearly yelled out Junie’s name as she pushed my back down further so she could go in deeper. “Fuck me,” I yelled out as she went in harder and pushed my face down into the pillow. I came moments later.
We lay together on the bed; her thick thighs stretched out over mine as our naked bodies glistened under the glow of the moon shining through the window. “I’m mad at myself that I waited this long for that to happen,” she said, stroking my hair with her hands. “When are we getting money again?” I asked, stroking myself with my hand.
“This Friday. You ready, huh? You need money?”
“Nah, I’m good. I just don’t give a fuck right now, you know? If we don’t have to wait, then let’s get it in. Fuck it.”
“Aight. Now, what was up with that Deeko shit earlier?”
“That nigga was just getting’ on my nerves. Every time I came over here, he was muggin’ me like he had a problem, so I wanted to address it. I just got tired of it, you feel me?”
“I hear you.”
“Besides, all those niggas are bitches, and if it came down to it, they probably wouldn’t even fire they shit. Muthafuckas out here ain’t hard; they just think they are because nobody tests them. That’s all it is.
She didn’t respond as we lay together in the bed. I could tell she was in deep thought about something, but I had my own thoughts to worry about. My mind wouldn’t let me believe that anybody else but Nas gave me the virus and the fact that Prince may have it as well was enough to drive my desire to kill him more than anything else.
For the rest of the week, every time I came around the family they knew something was off. My interaction with Prince was limited to hugs and kisses with nothing else behind it. Stacey knew something was off, but after she realized I wasn’t going to give her anything, she stopped trying. A part of me started to blame her for my sickness, but I knew that she had nothing to do with it. The only thing she did was urge me to go to the doctor, and the fact that I went had nothing to do with me contracting the virus. I had it either way, but I just didn’t know how to come to terms with it. Dr. Carter left voicemails every day since I left her office, pleading with me to go to the HIV clinic and to get Prince tested. I wouldn’t be able to handle it if he came down with the same poison I had, but I knew it was something I had to take care of.
Serena walked into the kitchen as I held the refrigerator door open. She cleared her throat to let me know she was in there with me. I looked at the door as she stood there with her arms across her chest, “What is wrong with you?” I pulled the milk out and sat down at the table with a bowl of cereal in front of me, “Nothing,” I said, filling my bowl to the top with marshmallow oaties. She sat down next to me,
“What do you mean nothing?”
“The opposite of something.”
She glared at me, “Don’t be a smart-ass, Lyric.” I took a bite of cereal as she waited for an explanation. “Well?”
“Well, what?”
“Damn it, Lyric! You’ve been walking around here barely talking to me. Barely saying anything to Mama and hardly even interacting with Prince. I mean, what it is? Are you tired of us being here? You want us gone?”
“Nah, it ain’t nothing like that.”
“I can’t tell, Lyric. By the way you walking around here, it’s hard to believe anything else.”
“It’s not that at all. I just got some stuff on my mind, that’s all.”
I coughed into my sleeve for a moment then continued eating.
“Bullshit, Lyric.”
“What?”
“Bullshit! You expect us just to keep walking around here feeling like we are not wanted? I mean, nobody wants to live anywhere they aren’t wanted so if you want us to leave just say it.”
“I told you that is not what it is.”
I continued eating my cereal as she impatiently sat in her seat, waiting for more of an explanation, but I had no intentions of telling her. This was something that I wanted to go away and since I knew it wasn’t, I wanted to keep it as silent as possible. I wanted to handle it on my own. Suddenly, Serena jumped up from her seat, “Fuck it, Lyric. We will be out of your way.” I knocked the box of cereal off the table. It flew against the wall as the contents inside the box fell to the ground and scattered across the floor. She spun around just in time to see tears form in my eyes, “I’m dying, aight? I’m fuckin’ dyin! That’s what it is!” I swung my hand, and the bowl full of cereal flew off the table and crashed to the floor. Serena looked at the mess I caused and then focused on me,
“What do you mean you’re dying?”
“I have HIV, Serena. I got the fuckin’ HIV virus.”
She put her hand over her mouth and shook her head, her eyes bubbling with tears. She walked over to me slowly and put her arms around me. I cried, but I didn’t reach back for her. This is another reason I didn’t want to tell them. I knew they would feel sorry for me and in turn, make me feel sorrier for myself. “How long have you had it? I mean, how did you get it? Who?” I moved her away from me,
“Look, this is why I didn’t want to tell you or Mama. I knew y’all would have questions that I just can’t fuckin’ answer right now.”
“So, what? What are you going to do now? Does Prince have it?”
“Fuck. I don’t know, Rena. I don’t know. I gotta find out, but look, don’t tell Mama shit, aight? Don’t tell her because I’m not ready for the questions.”
“Don’t tell her? You know she feels the same way I did. Like you were getting tired of us.”
“Well, just clear it up. Let her know that is not the case and make her believe it.”
“Lyric?”
“Rena, I’m serious. Do not tell her, aight? Don’t.”
She sighed and wiped her eyes, “Okay. I won’t tell her.”
I reached down and cleaned up the mess I made with the cereal, and she leaned in to help me, “Listen, Lyric. Whatever you need and however I can help, just let me know, okay? You’re my sister, and I know we aren’t that close, but I just wanted you to know that you aren’t going to go through this alone.” I hugged her back, knowing all along that I would never use her for her help. I didn’t even want her to know what I was going through, but I didn’t want her to think I didn’t want them around, so I had to tell her. I didn’t want them going back home just to be an easy target for Nas.
