Four Ever, page 16
Killian
Zak and I were finally in the same room for more than five minutes and I still couldn’t find the fucking words to tell him how sorry I was for fucking everything up so badly.
Again.
Why the fuck couldn’t I just get my shit together and stop hurting him?
My conversation with Liam while we’d been cutting vegetables had left me feeling raw and exposed, but instead of doing what I should have done and talked to Zak about it, I’d let the fear and shame drive me to seek escape wherever I could.
I was going to lose him.
I knew that.
There was no other possible outcome. Zak deserved better. He deserved a man who wasn’t afraid to admit that demons still haunted him… not a coward who chose to hide instead.
“Zak—”
“No, Killian,” Zak whispered as he rubbed his hands together. We were sitting in the living room.
Me on the chair, him on the couch. We’d picked the room because we knew it would serve the dual purpose of being able to keep an eye out for Noah at the same time that we confronted Liam. It wasn’t completely dark out, but it’d been almost an hour since we’d returned to the house. Liam hadn’t been in the kitchen anymore. All the burners on the stove had been turned off and the cut-up vegetables packed away.
It’d taken us that long to try and get Noah to explain his cryptic statement, but he’d gone completely silent and had ignored our attempts to urge him to write us more notes. The only time he’d reacted had been when I’d suggested that Noah not go with Liam when he left. I hadn’t even gotten to finish my argument that I believed Liam wouldn’t leave if Noah stayed behind because the young man had become so upset that he’d nearly had a full-on panic attack. Thankfully, Zak had been able to calm him down.
“You don’t get to give up on us,” he muttered. “Not like this.”
His words should have been encouraging, but they just broke my heart even more. How long would Zak wait for me to get my shit together? How many wounds would he let me inflict upon his heart before he said it was enough?
“I’ve been talking to Delia about—” I began, but the sound of Liam’s voice cut me off.
“Noah?”
His voice was a hushed whisper. Zak and I were sitting in the living room with all the lights turned out except one. We’d started leaving at least one light on in each room at night so that Noah wouldn’t get scared if he needed to get up and get something to drink or come find one of us.
Well, Zak.
Because I hadn’t been around.
And if I had, I was hiding out in my office going through the notes Noah and I had been exchanging back and forth in my sketchbook. After I’d realized he’d made modifications to my designs for Waldo’s new beak, I’d started asking him questions via the sketchpad and leaving it on his nightstand each night. The following night when I got home, I’d find it in my office, the questions answered. I’d also noticed that the browser history on my computer had shown that Noah had used the internet to research some of the materials we were looking at to use for the next version of Waldo’s beak, and several of the sites had been bookmarked for me.
“Noah,” Liam called as he entered the dim room. I felt my anger kick in when I saw a plastic bag in his hand. If it contained what I thought it did…
I watched Liam turn and head back out of the living room, probably to search the back of the house for Noah. I flicked on the light next to me. I was glad when Liam only slightly winced as he turned around. It meant his ribs were on the mend.
But I was still pissed that he was so eager to go back to living on the streets that had nearly killed him.
“He’s upstairs,” I said. “In Zak’s and my room,” I added. I wasn’t surprised when Liam’s expression fell. But while I’d been expecting the disappointment, I’d also thought there’d be some jealous anger there. I’d figured he’d verbally attack us, or at least me, for the supposed moves we’d put on Noah.
Which, of course, we hadn’t.
We’d had a hell of a time convincing Noah to lie down in our bed and get some rest while Zak and I dealt with Liam. I suspected it was only Noah’s fear of Liam getting hurt again that’d had him agreeing at all.
“Come sit,” I said.
Liam’s silent refusal didn’t surprise me. He crossed his arms in front of his body and didn’t move even an inch.
“What’s in the bag?” I asked.
Silence. Zak was watching Liam over his shoulder.
“We offered to let Noah stay, even if you left,” I said casually.
Liam’s expression faltered for about three seconds, before he shrugged his shoulders. “Good, he’ll be safer here with you.” He turned to leave.
“He left you a note,” I called just as Liam was about to walk out of the living room. He stiffened, then turned slowly.
“What did it say?” he asked.
“Come see for yourself,” I said as I motioned to the coffee table. I had a view of the stairs from my position. Fortunately, I didn’t see Noah on them. Not only would Liam’s quick dismissal have hurt Noah like hell, I doubted he would have let his brother actually leave without him.
Liam looked warily at me, then Zak. Zak turned around. He was sitting in the middle of the couch looking very tense. When I’d told Noah that he could stay even if Liam didn’t, Zak hadn’t said anything, and I’d known why.
He’d wanted it to be my decision to invite Liam and Noah to stay with us for a while longer.
I might not have been around the past few days, but it had been a comfort to know that Zak wasn’t alone.
Zak hated being alone.
Even if he hadn’t been a natural people person, his shitty childhood had pretty much guaranteed that he’d always have to deal with the idea of being abandoned by the people who were supposed to care about him the most.
But that same childhood had left Zak mistrusting of others. So life had become a big Catch-22 for him. Finding people he didn’t have to worry about leaving him behind was hard for Zak. When he did find someone who earned his love and loyalty, he gave it one hundred and fifty percent. I’d sworn to him and myself that I’d never give him cause to doubt his gift to me, but that was all I’d been doing for the past eighteen months.
My heart was heavy as I watched Liam debate whether or not to move closer to us. I knew his desperation would win out, and while I hated using his need for Noah against him, I wasn’t going to pussyfoot around this thing. I’d learned pretty quickly that Liam was a stubborn son of a bitch and when he wrapped his mind around something, that was it. I wasn’t sure why he’d insisted on all of a sudden leaving, but I was damn well going to find out.
For him.
For Zak… and Noah.
For me.
I might not have understood or anticipated the impact of Noah and Liam’s presence on Zak’s and my life, but I wasn’t going to let them leave in the hopes that things between me and Zak might go back to “normal.”
Normal hadn’t been working for us.
Liam finally began moving closer to us. I saw his eyes drift to the stairs. I could only imagine what was going through his head as he imagined his Noah in our bed. The fact that he wasn’t raging about us supposedly taking advantage of the younger man was proof enough of where his head was at.
Liam cautiously stepped past Zak on the couch. He seemed to think Zak or I were going to try and grab him or something because he kept shifting his eyes between us, and I could see his fingers flexing in anticipation.
Such a fighter.
Noah was damn lucky to have Liam in his corner.
“Over there,” I said as I motioned to the notes that I’d laid on the table in the order Noah had written them. The top one was the one that talked about Liam getting hurt again.
Liam hung there as he stared at the note. His fingers shook as he reached for the little pile. The plastic bag he’d been holding, which I could see had his and Noah’s pajamas and a few of the toiletries we’d given them in it, slipped to the crook of his elbow as he switched the notes so he could read the second one.
I swore I heard Liam whimper as he read his stepbrother’s plea to me to make Liam stay. The last note, the one about Noah being the one who’d hurt him, had Liam sinking to the couch next to Zak.
“No,” he whispered. “It wasn’t his fault.”
“What happened?” I asked.
“He… he had it in his head that he was the reason things had turned out like they had,” Liam murmured. “He said we should separate… that I’d be better off on my own.”
I saw Liam wipe briefly at his eyes. I didn’t see tears, but I knew that didn’t mean they weren’t there.
“I got angry with him for suggesting that. I told him not to ever bring it up again… that we were brothers and we stick together… always.”
Zak was staring at the floor as Liam spoke. He was rubbing his hands together nervously. I knew that meant he was feeling helpless. Despite everything Zak had been through, he was a demonstrative person with those he trusted. His need to touch Liam was clear as day and I couldn’t help but wonder if he was refraining for my sake more than Liam’s.
“He didn’t mention it again, so I thought he’d given up on the idea. It was a few weeks ago when we talked about it.” Liam’s voice cracked a bit here and there. “I, um, was in the bathroom at this truck stop. We’d hitched a ride up from Pittsburgh.”
“Where were you headed?” I asked.
Liam shook his head. “The truck driver was headed north so that’s the way we went. We’re going to Vermont but we grab rides with guys who… who…”
Liam hesitated, then dropped his face to his hands. “Fuck,” he whispered, his voice finally breaking. Zak looked at me helplessly and I quickly nodded. I wanted to tell him there was no need for him to ask my permission to be who he was, but I knew why he was doing it.
He’d clearly developed some kind of bond with both young men, and that was making him feel guilty.
I didn’t allow myself to consider how deep that bond might have grown in the short time I’d been absent from the house.
Zak moved closer to Liam but didn’t touch him. Their thighs were brushing one another, but that was it.
“I picked guys who I thought I could handle if they got aggressive,” Liam finally said.
It took me a moment to pick up on the way he said “aggressive.” When things began clicking in my head, my gut sank. I’d already suspected some of the things Liam and Noah might have had to do to survive living on the streets, but I hadn’t let my mind dwell on the fact. I could see Zak had connected the dots because he lifted his hand to run his fingers through his hair over and over again.
Another nervous habit for him.
“The guy was planning to head to Erie after a stop in Clarion. So we rode with him until just outside Clarion. Noah and I were eating in the diner of this truck stop when this other guy started chatting us up. I… I figured he’d be our next ride, so I told Noah I’d be right back and went to the bathroom. The guy, he, uh…”
Liam shook his head. “We were in the bathroom for a few minutes,” he said after a moment. “When he was done, I went to get Noah to tell him I’d found us another ride, but Noah wasn’t there.” Liam drew in a sharp breath. “I panicked because he knew better than to leave a public area while I was… while I… when I wasn’t with him.”
Liam was staring at the floor as he spoke. I leaned forward because I felt like I was going to be sick. I’d heard countless stories of kids getting taken advantage of when they became desperate for money, and it always broke my fucking heart, but hearing it from Liam made me want to get up and break something.
Preferably the necks of all the men who’d ever dared to lay a hand on him.
“You found him,” Zak said gently as his eyes met mine. I could see the rage he was feeling, but he was much better at masking it in his voice than I would have been.
Liam nodded. “He was with the guy who’d given us the ride to Clarion… and a few of his friends. I knew the fucker had wanted Noah from the start, but when I’d told him it was me or nothing, he’d agreed… I didn’t tell Noah because I didn’t want to scare him. He must have thought the guy was safe enough… or he was that desperate to get away from me.”
Liam said the last part so low that I barely heard him. I ended up being the one to touch him first by putting my hand on his knee. “I don’t fucking believe that for a second,” I said, a bit too angrily. I curled my fingers around Liam’s knee. “These notes,” – I snatched up the notes that Liam had let fall to the floor at some point – “prove that he only wants to protect you the same way you’ve protected him.”
Liam shook his head. “I didn’t,” he croaked. “I didn’t fucking protect him! I left him in that house! Two years. I had no fucking idea I’d left him with a monster—”
“Who?” Zak cut in.
“No one,” Liam snapped suddenly. I could see the shift in his brain as his fear warred with his inability to trust. Liam jumped to his feet. “I have to go!”
Zak quickly stood to block Liam’s exit and when he turned to go around the other side of the couch, I was there to cut him off. I was ready for when Liam went on the attack. When he tried to shove past me, I grabbed his upper arms to stop him.
“Let me go,” Liam growled.
“What’s the plan, Liam?” I asked as I tried to keep my hold on him firm enough to prevent him from getting away from me but not hurt him in the process. “You’re just going to abandon Noah without even saying goodbye? Then what? You go find some fucker who will take your body in trade for a goddamn ride?”
“It’s worked so far, asshole,” Liam said coldly.
I watched his vulnerability and hurt slip away until he was someone I didn’t recognize.
He was the guy who let guys fuck him in dirty bathrooms for a few bucks or a meal or a ride or whatever he needed to keep his stepbrother alive.
My eyes were locked with Liam’s as I said to Zak, “Zak, go get Noah so he can say goodbye to his brother.”
Just like that, the switch inside Liam flipped back. “What? No!” Liam cried out. He twisted in my hold so he could look at Zak over his shoulder. “Don’t, Zak! Please, don’t!”
The desperation in Liam’s voice cut me to the core. “Zak, please, you know he’s better off here. I know you care about him.” Liam looked back at me. “I know you both do. He’s smart, Killian. Really smart… he just needs a little time to…”
The tears Liam had been working so hard to quell suddenly began streaming down his face. “Please, Killian. Please don’t do this.”
Liam stopped fighting me and just held himself stiffly as he stared at my chest. I slid my hand to the back of his neck so I could force his eyes up to mine. I was trying to get past the emotion in my own throat when Liam added, “If it’s an issue of money, I can—”
“Don’t you fucking dare,” I growled as I pulled him forward. “Don’t you fucking dare, Liam.”
I had him practically flush against my body. Liam was shaking like a leaf and struggling to pull in one breath after another. He felt cold against me. His blue eyes were bright with emotion once again.
And something else.
When he dropped his gaze and stared at my throat, my eyes met Zak’s over Liam’s shoulder. At some point, he’d moved so he was standing just inches from Liam. I wanted to send him a silent apology for how intimate my embrace with Liam must seem, but the reality was that it was intimate.
Not sexual.
Intimate.
And that made it almost worse.
I started to shake my head at Zak and loosened my grip on Liam, but then Zak stepped forward so that his body was enveloping Liam’s from behind. One of Zak’s hands closed around my elbow. His other ended up on Liam’s waist.
My heart practically exploded when I saw him silently mouth I love you to me. Then he dropped his head and whispered something into Liam’s ear. Liam closed his eyes and let out a harsh sob. Sob after sob racked his long, lean body. When his forehead dropped to my chest and he relaxed completely against me, I lifted a hand to place on the back of his head.
“He’s safe, Liam,” I murmured. “You did keep him safe.”
Liam began crying harder. His arms went around me, his fingers digging almost painfully into my back. As I held him, Zak held both of us. When Liam settled a few minutes later, I said, “Tell us who hurt Noah.”
“My father,” Liam said without hesitation. He sounded tired and just completely broken.
“How did he hurt him?” Zak asked.
Part of me didn’t want to know because I was already battling the urge to unleash some pain on the people who’d hurt the two young men.
“He was always a bully,” Liam said. “But I was used to it. Noah wasn’t. He’d say stuff to Noah here and there about why he wouldn’t talk and how embarrassing it was. Noah’s aunt never stuck up for him. I tried to whenever I heard him saying shit, but then I went off to college. Noah never said anything about how bad things had gotten. I never saw any bruises on him and my dad never hit me, so I thought… I thought maybe things had gotten better and Dad was just ignoring Noah. I was… I was making plans to have Noah move to Ohio with me after he graduated high school last spring. I’d had him apply to the school. My dad never adopted Noah, so he qualified for financial aid and scholarships. I noticed a change in Noah after New Year’s. He was quieter than usual… I mean, he never talked about himself or anything, but he seemed excited about our plans. I decided to go home for spring break instead of to Florida with some friends like I’d planned. I wanted to surprise Noah with a road trip.”
“What happened?” I asked.
“I thought my dad was yelling at Noah’s aunt at first. Marjorie. They’d been fighting more and more. I didn’t understand what they were doing in my room, though. Then I heard him talking about Marjorie and I realized it wasn’t her he was yelling at. He said something about Marjorie fucking some other guy and how she married my dad for his money. I could tell my dad had been drinking just from the way he was talking. But I… I still didn’t connect the dots. I actually thought he might be talking to himself. Then I heard him say, ‘Maybe if I fuck you, I’ll get my money’s worth. Would you like that, queer?’”
