Four Ever, page 13
Something in my body went haywire as I watched his pink tongue lick the spoon in the exact spot my mouth had been. Noah was smiling again when he looked at me, but there must have been something in my expression because he stilled.
Then he looked down at the spoon.
I saw the moment it hit him what he’d done.
And instead of looking mortified or confused, he looked…
No, no, no.
The same fire that had started in my belly as I’d watched Zak and Liam’s body perfectly align right before we’d gotten the younger man into the tub exploded into a wildfire. What would the three of them look like together? With Noah between them? Or Zak? My man was the most passionate lover I’d ever known. What would he look like if he was being loved from front and back?
What if it wasn’t just front and back, but more? What sounds would he make? How hard would he come? What would he look like when he worked to please his lovers?
Lovers.
With an s.
What the fuck?
I stood so quickly I actually knocked the chair over. Noah jumped back.
“Sorry,” I mumbled. “I just remembered I need to check if I locked the front door.”
Noah nodded shakily. I felt bad for scaring him, but that didn’t stop me from leaving the kitchen and hurrying to the front door. I knew I’d locked it, but I just needed a minute to get a grip on my runaway thoughts.
Zak was mine.
Period.
Not once from the moment we’d first fucked in that bar’s dirty bathroom had we even entertained the thought of seeing other people or bringing men into our bed for fun. I hadn’t even fantasized about it.
So why the hell was I doing it now?
The need to storm up to our bedroom so I could fuck Zak into the mattress so he never doubted who he belonged to was like a living thing beneath my skin. But along with that red-hot need was the desire to taste Noah’s lips.
To watch Liam bringing Zak pleasure that only I could give him.
To feel Zak’s tight body gripping mine as we watched Noah and Liam lose themselves in one another… and us.
God, I needed to get control of myself. My cock already felt like it was going to bust out of my pants.
By the time I’d settled enough to go back to the kitchen, Noah was gone and the burner for the pot of soup had been turned off. I saw my sketchpad sitting open on the table.
There was only one word on the blank page.
Sorry.
Nothing more.
Had Noah realized what I was thinking, or did he think I was upset for a completely different reason?
The idea that I’d chased the sweet young man off made me want to rip into the rest of the chairs surrounding the table. Instead, I grabbed the bottle of whiskey and strode over to the sink. I could smell the liquor when I opened the bottle, but as much as my body craved the drink, the smell made me feel sick.
I’d come so fucking close to betraying Zak.
In more ways than one.
In some ways, I had betrayed him.
I dumped the whiskey down the drain and then jammed the empty bottle into the garbage. After putting the soup back in the fridge, I went to grab my sketchpad so I could work in my office a bit. All I really wanted to do was go climb into bed next to Zak, but I didn’t trust myself just yet. I was too on edge and I didn’t want to take my emotions out on Zak in any kind of way, but especially by using sex.
That seemed like even more of a betrayal.
By the time I got to my office and closed the door, I’d calmed down marginally. I sank down onto the leather couch and started skimming through the sketchpad to get to the next blank page. The ideas for improving on Waldo’s beak had been pestering me for a while because I had yet to find the right combination of material and fasteners that would do the trick and last longer than the first prototype. Putting Waldo through the procedure caused him a lot of stress, so I wanted to make sure the next time we did it, it would hopefully also be the last time. But I wasn’t an engineer… I was just someone who liked to tinker. I was starting to accept that Zak and I would need to find someone who had either done something like this before or had the knowledge to design something new for Waldo. Zak and I didn’t have a ton of extra money lying around, but we’d figure out a way to pay someone to come up with the best prototype, even if it meant dipping into our savings.
As I skimmed through the pages, I started to notice something on each one.
Notes.
A lot of them.
Ones I hadn’t written.
And there were additions to my sketches.
What the hell?
When I reached the final page right before the note Noah had left me, I saw a drawing of a beak along with notes about several different materials that could be combined to form an adhesive that would support the seam. There were comments about the type of screws to use.
Noah.
Holy hell, had Noah done all this?
I remembered how he’d been reluctant for me to open the sketchpad so he could write in it while we were talking.
Had he been worried about me seeing all this?
I went back to the beginning and started reading through his notes one by one until I got to the last page and reviewed his mock-up. I had no clue if his suggestions would work or not, but it was a place to start. I could at least research if the material could be printed using a 3-D printer or some other less costly process.
I smiled to myself as I went to a blank page and began writing.
Cute, sweet little Noah might not be able to speak, but he sure as hell had a lot to say. As I wrote, I couldn’t help but wonder what other secrets he and his “brother” were hiding.
Unfortunately, I was almost completely certain those secrets wouldn’t be as delightful to learn about.
Chapter Thirteen
Zak
“Morning.”
I kept my gaze on the wall straight ahead of me as Killian entered the kitchen. I may have responded in kind, but I wasn’t sure.
Because my head was still spinning over my discovery.
I felt Killian’s hand touch my shoulder and then there was a brief kiss on the top of my head. I could hear Killian moving around behind me, doing his normal morning routine.
Coffee in his travel mug… black, one sugar.
A fresh banana for Waldo on his perch.
Treats for all the other animals.
Then came my goodbye kiss.
Way back when, it had been on my mouth. These days it was on my temple. I was surprised I was still even getting them.
“I’ll try to get off early,” Killian murmured.
“Why?” I asked as he began walking away.
“What?”
I was still staring straight ahead, but I could tell he’d stopped moving. I turned my head so I could look at him. My heart clenched at the sight of him like it always did. Seven years later and every time I looked at him, I still had the same reaction I had when we’d locked eyes in that bar.
“Why are you going to try and get off early, Killian?” I asked.
“So I can come home and—”
“And what?” I cut in. My heart hurt too much to even raise my voice.
Killian dropped his eyes. “I’m going to be late to work, Zak,” he murmured.
“Yeah, we wouldn’t want that, would we?” I asked as I turned my attention back to my coffee cup.
I heard him turn to leave. “Killian,” I called.
He stopped but didn’t respond.
“Glass bottles go in the recycling, not the trash.”
I was certain I heard him pull in a breath. A moment later, he was sitting down in the chair kitty-corner to mine. “Zak, it isn’t what you think.”
I looked at him. My throat still hurt from the sobs I’d forced myself to stifle when I’d discovered the empty whiskey bottle in the garbage. I wouldn’t have even noticed the thing if the smell of it hadn’t been so damn strong. I’d never been a drinker myself, besides some beers now and again when I went out with my co-workers after a shift. In deference to Killian, I never drank around him and we didn’t keep any alcohol in the house. So smelling the very thing that had played such a huge part in the downturn of our relationship had been a fucking shitty way to start the day.
“I bought it, yes, but I didn’t drink it. I swear.”
I let out a harsh laugh. I wiped at my damp face and then looked him dead in the eye. “If that’s the part of all this that you think has me so upset, then we’re in even worse trouble than I thought, Killian,” I whispered.
Killian’s mouth tightened a little, but instead of lashing out at me, he looked away.
“I have to go,” he said. “We can talk about this tonight.”
I felt what remained of my heart break in two because I knew we wouldn’t talk about it. The next real conversation we had would likely be the final one. Or we’d have to go back to talking but not really saying anything at all.
As Killian got up and left the room, this time without touching me or kissing me goodbye, I knew we wouldn’t be able to go back to the way things had been.
I’m never walking away, baby… You want me to go, you need to tell me so.
I choked back a sob at the thought of trying to tell Killian to go. I didn’t think I could do it. But I couldn’t keep living like this…
I jumped in surprise when the chair next to mine shifted because I hadn’t heard Killian come back. In that split second it took me to turn my head, I felt my heart leap with joy and hope.
But it wasn’t Killian.
“Noah,” I said with surprise. “I’m sorry, I… I didn’t hear you,” I stammered as I tried to get control of my emotions. “Did you sleep well? Can I make you some breakfast?”
I started to get up just so I could have a second to collect myself, but Noah covered my hand with his. Warmth radiated out from the spot, and it was all I could do not to break down then and there.
I noticed that Noah had a little pad of paper and a pen in his hand. The pad was the one Killian and I kept on the small desk on the far side of the kitchen. We used it to jot down notes for each other and tack them to the refrigerator.
It seemed like a lifetime ago that our notes had been more about telling each other that we loved one another or missed each other. These days the pad served only to pass benign notes back and forth like that we needed milk or that dinner was in the fridge.
I watched as Noah began writing something on the pad. He slid it over to me.
I don’t think he drank any of it. I saw him last night. The bottle wasn’t opened.
“You were with Killian last night?” I asked.
Noah nodded, then his eyes went almost comically wide. He began violently shaking his head and I swore I heard him whimper. He snatched the pad back and tried to write something on it. He was so distressed that he was actually ripping the paper with how much pressure he was applying.
“Hey, it’s okay,” I said as I grabbed his hands to stop him. “I know you didn’t mean like that.”
Noah was breathing hard as he stared at me. Then he dropped his eyes and I saw him blush. I felt my stomach fall as I took in his reaction.
“Did something happen, Noah?” I asked. The idea of Killian and Noah together had the same effect on me that picturing my lover and Liam together did. It excited and scared me at the same time.
Noah shook his head. He was clearly feeling guilty.
He ripped off the torn pieces of paper and then wrote something down.
I embarrassed him.
As I read the note, he started on another one.
He was trying to make me feel better. Nothing happened. He loves you.
I hadn’t even finished reading the note before another one was thrust in front of me.
I promise, Zak. I’m sorry.
I looked at him and took in his fear-filled eyes. He was so young and innocent and sweet. I couldn’t help but reach out to run my fingers down his cheek.
“It’s okay, Noah. I believe you.”
And I did. Despite what had just happened between me and Killian, I knew in my gut he would never cheat on me. I dropped my hand and stared at the hastily written notes in front of me.
“I’m afraid things are a little more complicated than whether or not he drank that bottle.”
Another note appeared in front of me.
Liam and I don’t talk, either.
I looked at Noah, mostly because I was shocked that he was sharing anything about him and his stepbrother with me at all.
“Why not?” I asked softly.
He shook his head and pointed at himself.
“You think it’s your fault?” I asked.
He nodded.
“I’m sure he doesn’t believe—”
Noah shook his head, and I snapped my mouth shut because I recognized the look in his eyes. He didn’t want empty reassurances.
He wanted understanding.
I fiddled with the notes he’d written me. “I did something to Killian about eighteen months ago,” I admitted. “I thought… I thought I was going to lose him, and I wasn’t thinking, but it just ended up fucking everything up and I don’t know how to fix it.”
No note appeared…
There was no attempt at a comforting touch…
I looked up and saw Noah watching me intently.
Listening.
Just listening.
So I talked.
And talked.
And fucking talked.
I said the things I couldn’t say to Killian to a barely legal young man who I knew in my heart understood everything I was saying… had felt those things himself.
By the time I was done, my body was shaking, and it was all I could do not to just break down completely. I was staring down at the tabletop when I heard Noah’s chair move. I was both glad and disappointed that he was going to leave me to my misery.
But he didn’t leave.
Not even close.
I let out a little whimper when I felt his slim arms wrap around me from behind. I began to cry in earnest. Noah’s chin settled on my shoulder, but it wasn’t enough for me. I shut off the part of my brain that reminded me I was leaning too heavily on the young man and turned so I could wrap an arm around his waist. He came into my hold easily, willingly. I wrapped my other arm around him and buried my face in his chest. Even with me still sitting and him standing, I nearly reached his shoulder.
Noah’s hands came up to cradle the back of my head and neck as I clung to him. I could feel his mouth moving near my temple, but there was no sound to accompany it. But it didn’t matter because just having his warm body to hold onto was enough.
For now.
Part IV
Liam & Noah
Chapter Fourteen
Noah
“We can’t get too close to them, Noah,” were the words I heard when I entered the bedroom and saw Liam sitting on the bed staring out the window that overlooked the back yard. He’d been asleep when I’d left the room to get him some coffee. I personally didn’t like the stuff, but I knew Liam couldn’t function without it.
I came to a stop in front of him and handed him the hot mug. He took it but used his free hand to grab mine before I could draw it away.
“You understand that, right?”
I nodded.
My heart was still breaking for Zak, but I didn’t regret what I’d done. It didn’t surprise me that Liam had overheard us… well, Zak. With how I’d taken off on Liam right before he’d been beaten up, it was no wonder that waking up and finding me gone this morning would have immediately had him seeking me out.
I wrapped my fingers around Liam’s and held onto his hand as I maneuvered so I could sit down next to him. I, myself, was feeling much better, though I was still more physically tired than I would have liked. Liam was also on the mend, but his bruised ribs were definitely still bothering him. Whenever he shifted in bed, he groaned. He’d started taking some of the ibuprofen that Zak and Killian had left for him, but I knew it would be a while before he was able to move around more comfortably.
Liam’s fingers played with mine as he sipped at the coffee.
I thought back to the conversation I’d overheard between Killian and Zak and the information I’d learned from Zak. I doubted the man had intended to tell me so much, but I was glad he had.
I released Liam’s fingers and got up so I could grab the notepad off the nightstand. There was a pen next to it, so I grabbed that too. I wasn’t sure who’d put it there, but I was glad someone had been considerate enough to do so.
My hands began to tremble as I started writing, but I forced myself to focus on the words I was writing and ignored the darkness I could feel simmering in my belly.
I turned the notepad toward Liam.
How much did you hear?
“Most of it,” Liam murmured.
Which meant he’d likely seen me giving comfort to Zak. I wondered if that was the part he was most worried about. Not from a jealousy perspective, because I knew that wasn’t even a possibility. But his comment about not getting too close to the men proved something else.
He didn’t want us to get too comfortable.
Getting too comfortable was dangerous in our world. Being complacent meant you were basically inviting something bad to happen to you. We’d learned that the first time a guy had offered to give us a ride the last fifty miles to Las Vegas so we wouldn’t have to walk because “it was the right thing to do.”
Liam and I had been so tired that we’d ended up falling asleep in the back seat. When we’d woken up, we hadn’t been anywhere near the interstate anymore. If Liam’s reflexes hadn’t been spot-on, there was no doubt we never would have gotten out of the isolated cabin the guy had driven us to in the Mojave National Preserve. After that, we’d realized people just didn’t do things for free or out of the goodness of their hearts.
Payment was always expected.
In some form or another.
I’d foolishly believed that money was still the most coveted form of currency when I’d tried to leave Liam at the truck stop.
