Delphi Complete Works of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle (Illustrated), page 925
or shall be some day. And then we are journalists, and
can describe your dresses in the papers.
GIRLS. Oh! (Cross over to STUDENTS.)
JACK. But we shave twice a day.
A STUD. Why, there is not of us who could not read Theocritus
in the original.
JACK. But we are to give a dance next week.
MILLY. Oh, you dear things, how nice of you! (Cross to
OFFICERS.)
Dance. All exeunt except JACK.
JACK. And now to find Bab.
Enter TOM.
TOM. I can’t see my Bab anywhere. (Sees JACK.) Hullo!
JACK. That fellow here!
TOM (shortly). How are you?
JACK (shortly). H’are you?
TOM (after a pause). Very warm day.
JACK. Cold.
TOM. Cad!
JACK. What do you want here?
TOM. Private business.
JACK. Let us be plain with one another. How could you, a
beggarly Press Student, support a wife?
TOM. How could you, a beggarly lieutenant?
JACK. But I am also a novelist — at least I’ve — I’ve
bought a pound of sermon paper. Haw!
TOM. Well, I am also a dramatist. Why, I have a completed
play in my pocket.
JACK. And a very good place for it too. Haw!
TOM. What is more, it has a strong literary flavour.
JACK. Don’t be afraid of that. They’ll knock it out in
rehearsal. Haw!
TOM. Nonsense. It’s most original also.
JACK. That’ll damn it.
TOM. Originality damn a play! Why?
JACK. Because ours are a healthy-minded public, sir, and they
won’t stand it. Haw!
TOM. It’s an Ibsenite play.
JACK. Then why not produce it at the Independent Theatre?
TOM. I did.
JACK. Well?
TOM. And it promised to be a great success; but,
unfortunately, just when the leading man has to say,
“What a noble apartment is this,” the nail came out and
the apartment fell into the fireplace.
Enter CADDIE and BAB. They walk back and forwards as before.
JACK (amazed). Bab!
BAB. Oh, Jack! Oh, Tom!
CADDIE. Silence!
JACK. What does this mean?
BAB. I am a prisoner, he is giving me an airing.
CADDIE. Silence!
JACK (drawing his sword). Promise not to interfere, or I
shall run you through, by the bones of my ancestors!
CADDIE (aiming a catapult at him). Advance another step and
you are a dead man, so help my bob!
JACK is discomfited, but TOM seizes CADDIE from behind, and they
get him to the ground.
JACK. Promise!
CADDIE. I gives in! You have my word of honour! It’s your hole.
(Mimicking JACK.) Haw! (Exit CADDIE followed by TOM.)
JACK. My precious! The gates are locked, but we can cross the
river.
BAB. I have been thinking that — I’m not sure whether it is
you or Tom I prefer.
JACK. That is awkward.
BAB. Before I decide I want to ask you both two questions.
JACK. What are they?
BAB. First, why did my heart beat so violently last night?
JACK. It was because — because I am so worthy of its love.
Haw!
BAB (aside). H’m! Vanity!
JACK (aside). Good answer I think. Hope I shall get round
her wealthy papa as easily.
BAB. Second, will you still love me when I am old and
wrinkled?
JACK (aside). I question it. (Aloud.) Don’t talk of anything
so unpleasant, dear. Let us try to think that we shall
always be young and handsome.
BAB (aside). I don’t like that answer.
JACK (aside). I flatter myself I got out of that bunker very
neatly.
TOM re-enters.
BAB. Now go, while I ask Tom.
JACK (aside). She’s mine! Haw! Haw! (Exit.)
DUET. — BAB and TOM.
BAB. Last night when we were forced to part
I heard a pit-a-pat
Upon the window of my heart —
Tom, tell me what was that?
Oh, tell me true,
For I’m a little maid,
Of all the world afraid.
TOM. ‘Twas my heart which would entrance win,
‘Twas ‘neath the window hiding,
You raised the sash, and said “Come in,”
And there it’s now residing.
BAB. Tom, will your love grow cold to me
When silvered is my hair?
Or do you make believe that we
Shall aye be young and fair?
Oh, tell me true,
For I’m a little maid,
Of all the world afraid.
TOM. Eternal youth’s for no one here,
That secret’s to discover;
But when you’re old and grey, my dear,
I still will be your lover.
BOTH. I’ve/He’s told her/me true
This little maid
No longer is afraid.
Come joy or strife,
Come weal or woe,
Sunshine or stormy weather,
As man and wife
We’ll face the foe,
And face him thus together.
TOM. Oh, Bab — you will be my wife?
BAB. Yes, if you want me very, very much, Tom.
Enter BULLDOGS and PROCTOR softly R. TOM sees them and flies L.
BULLDOGS rush after him and exeunt.
BAB. Oh! (Jumps into PROCTOR’s arms.) Saved!
PROCTOR. Caught, you mean.
BAB. No, saved.
PROCTOR. Eh, what? I don’t understand.
BAB. I was only going with him because he promised to take
me to you.
PROCTOR. To me?
BAB. Oh, I feel so safe now that I have reached you — you
are so solid and satisfying, like a great plum pudding,
you know.
PROCTOR. You mean well, my child, I have no doubt; but you have
an unfortunate way of expressing yourself. (He puts arm
round her. TOM rushes across stage and exit. He is
followed by BULLDOGS. They stop when they see PROCTOR
and BAB.)
GREG. Hullo!
SIM. Ahem!
PROCTOR. What do you mean?
SIM. Beg pardon, but your arm you know — eh?
PROCTOR (fiercely). What about my arm?
GREG. It is round — don’t you see?
PROCTOR. I do not.
GREG. Allow me. (Takes PROCTOR’s arm off BAB.)
PROCTOR. Oh, thanks!
BAB. Oh, there is Miss Sims! Save me, Mr. Proctor!
PROCTOR. In here, quick! (Pushes BAB into arbour.) She is a nice
girl. (To BULLDOGS.) Remember, you have not seen any
girl here, if you are asked.
GREG. Not here! Why, she is in the arbour.
PROCTOR. There is no one in the arbour. What you see is — is an
optical illusion. Furthermore, my orders to you are
that you see no one in the arbour for the next half-
hour, do you hear?
SIM. We — we hear.
PROCTOR (aside). In half an hour I am sure I can convince Bab
of the error of her ways. (Aloud.) And stop, if any one
inquires for me, I am — I am — gathering flowers by
the river’s brim. Do you — do you —
GREG. Twig?
PROCTOR. Yes, twig?
SIM and GREG. We twig.
PROCTOR. Good. (Goes to BAB.)
GREG. Now, Sim, do you give him up?
SIM (after a struggle). No!
Exeunt L., expostulating with each other.
BAB. I knew that you would save me.
PROCTOR. Yes, but you must me a good girl in future. You know
it’s best in the long run.
BAB. Oh, how beautifully you talk!
PROCTOR. To be happy you must be good.
BAB. Yes, but to be awfully, dreadfully, excruciatingly
happy, you must be naughty. But I am sure I should be
good if Miss Sims would talk to me as you have done.
PROCTOR. Really! Do you mind my calling you Baby?
BAB. Not at all. May I call you Little One?
PROCTOR. Certainly. Do you know I feel a strange something
creeping over me!
BAB. So do I.
PROCTOR. I like it!
BAB. So do I.
PROCTOR. Yum yum!
BAB. So do I.
DUET. — BAB and PROCTOR.
PROCTOR. I’m a man of erudition,
And a scorner of frivolities,
With loftiest ambition,
And most domineering qualities.
The rowdiest grow meeker
When I fix them with this eye;
But I feel I’m growing weaker,
And I don’t know why —
No I don’t — not I.
I’m growing quite gelatinous, and can’t guess why.
BAB. I’m just a little girlie,
Who still am in my teens, you know.
For love it’s much too early,
And I can’t guess what it means, you know.
But since I saw that simper,
And the twinkle of that eye,
I feel I’m growing limper,
And I can’t guess why —
No I can’t — not I.
I’m growing quite invertebrate, and can’t tell why.
PROCTOR. I’ve a will that’s adamantine,
And my nerve is quite unshakable,
My strength is elephantine,
And my spirit is unbreakable,
I cow the flippant cabby,
I can make the coster cry,
Yet I feel I’m growing flabby,
And I can’t tell why —
No I can’t — not I.
I’m growing quite blanc-mangeical, and can’t tell why.
BAB. I’m just a little dolly,
With an uneventful history,
They tell me love is jolly
But to me it’s still a mystery.
I love my playthings dearly,
And my dolls and apple pie,
But I’m feeling, oh, so queerly,
And I can’t tell why —
No I can’t — not I.
I’m growing quite gutta-perchical, and can’t tell why.
PROCTOR. I fancy that this weakness
May seem to you undignified.
BAB. Ah me, these words of meekness,
Now tell me what they signified?
BOTH. Your love can hide no longer,
It beckons from your eye;
We’re unquestionably stronger,
And we both know why.
Do you? So do I.
We are feeling dry-champagnified,
And both know why.
BAB. Oh, how nice-looking you are! You would look so pretty
with this round your neck. (Puts her long boa round.)
Now, it should come across your chest like that.
(PROCTOR smiles indulgently). Then round like this, and
fasten so. (Ties it behind the chair and fastens it.
Then laughs and claps her hands.)
PROCTOR (struggling to rise). What is this? What do you mean?
BAB. Oh, he mustn’t make a noise. (Puts a handkerchief round
his mouth. PROCTOR glares horribly and frowns.) Ha! ha!
ha! (Goes up stage calling “Tom!” PROCTOR gurgles. The
BULLDOGS enter and stand one on each side of the
arbour.)
GREG. There is no one in the arbour, Sim.
SIM. N — No. (PROCTOR gurgles.) I thought —
GREG. So did I. But it’s only an optical illusion, Sim.
SIM. So it is, Greg. I wonder where the Proctor is?
GREG. He is gathering flowers by the river’s brim.
BULLDOGS close arbour and retire.
Enter TOM.
TOM. Now, darling, are you ready?
BAB. My own! (They embrace.)
Enter JACK followed by JANE ANNIE.
JACK (aside). I am sure she will choose me. Eh — ah — ho -
- what’s this?
BAB. Don’t you see?
JACK. I wish I didn’t. Haw!
BAB. Jane Annie, you promised to help me if I took Tom.
JANE A. And I shall.
JACK (aside). That unpleasant girl again.
TOM. But what can you do?
JANE A. One of the letters I made Miss Sims write was to the
livery stables, requesting that a carriage should be
sent to the other side of the river at two o’clock
today. It is there now.
TOM. Are you sure?
JANE A. Listen! (She whistles — an answering whistle is
heard.) See, there it is! (A carriage is seen driving
up.)
BAB. Let us cross at once.
JANE ANNIE signs to carriage to go on, and it goes out of sight.
CADDIE (entering). You can’t get away. Ho! ho!
BAB. Why not?
CADDIE. Because I’ve locked the boat-house and hidden the key.
JACK. Good boy!
CADDIE. That’s a stimie for you.
TOM. Quick, the key!
CADDIE. Sha’n’t!
BAB. What’s to be done?
JANE A. Leave him to me. (Hypnotizes CADDIE.) Now give me the
key.
CADDIE begins to undress.
JACK. What is he doing?
TOM. The key must be concealed about his person.
BAB. This is becoming improper.
TOM. Wait a moment. (To CADDIE.) Caddie, where is the key?
CADDIE whispers to him. TOM whistles and whispers to JACK, who
rubs his hands gleefully.)
BAB. Tom, do something with him at once!
TOM (primly). If Caddie will retire with me to some
secluded spot for a few moments I shall return with the
key.
Exeunt TOM and CADDIE.
BAB. Good-bye, Jane Annie, dear.
JANE A. But I am coming with you.
BAB. You?
JANE A. Yes, and so is Jack.
JACK. Not I.
JANE A. Silly boy, yes, you are. Tom is eloping with Bab, and
you are eloping with me.
JACK. I’ll see you far enough first.
JANE A. Isn’t he shy?
TOM (entering). The key!
BAB. Jane Annie proposes that she and Jack should come with
us.
TOM. But the carriage will seat only two.
JANE A. Well, that won’t matter.
BAB. Won’t it? (JANE ANNIE chuckles.) Oh Tom! Jane Annie and
I see no difficulty.
TIM. How? (He and JACK chuckle.) Do you agree?
JACK. If you will exchange girls. Haw!
TOM. Never!
BAB. Come, Tom.
JANE A. Come, Jack, and make it a foursome.
JACK. This girl terrifies me. I’ll bolt. (Exit.)
JANE A. Come back. (To TOM.) Don’t go without us. (Exit.)
BAB. Now let us fly at once.
TOM. Would it not be a little shabby?
BAB. Not in the least.
Bell begins to toll.
BAB. We are betrayed.
TOM. It is Jack — the villain — I see him.
BAB. Quick, we have time yet.
They are going to the boat-house. CADDIE appears.
CADDIE. Back! (They run L. Enter MISS SIMS, L.)
MISS S. Back! (They run R. Enter JACK, R.)
JACK. Back!
The GIRLS, STUDENTS, and OFFICERS rush on.
MISS S. Seize them! (JACK seizes TOM, and CADDIE seizes BAB.)
